I used to have jobs that were fairly objectively quantifiable. At the end of the day I could count how many pieces I'd assembled, or how many screens I had repaired, or how many customers I'd helped, or how many calls I received. That was my measure of success - a number in a column.
I've had to change my mindset about what successful is. I've written about this before, but it bears repeating because we live in a culture that is governed by the bottom line. Let me repeat that - we live in a culture that is governed by the bottom line. 'Our' success is determined by numbers - what's your GPA? How many kids do you have? How much do you make? How much is in your 401k? How much did you spend on that engagement ring? How many years have you been married? How many big screen TVs do you own and how many countries have you visited? How many wins versus losses does 'our' team have? And, in recovery, it can be, "How many years have you been clean/sober?"
Bottom lines can be deceptive. People can have lots of money, but their bank balance and McMansion tell me nothing about their character. Not a thing. I've met some folks that have decades of not using drugs or drinking, but I can't stand to be around their attitude. I've worked beside people who produced more work than I did simply because they didn't stop to correct their mistakes. To me, success is not in the numbers anymore - it's not in the output, it's in the input and the process.
So I look at my work today, and my life (of which my work is a huge part), in a more subjective way: how well did I seek to share myself with others? Did I put forth the effort to give what I've been given, whether I felt like it or not, or whether I was tired or busy? Did I seek to add to someone else's life more than I did my own (knowing that my blessings come and I can't add anything to my own life myself)?
I felt I had a really good day at work today simply because that's how I interpreted it, and, in a couple of cases, I received feedback that said I was really helpful. I may actually be that way every day - that's my aim, to be of maximum service - but some days I'm not feeling it.
At my job at the halfway house, I call it a good day if nobody died and the house didn't burn down. So far, I've been very successful at that job, though there have been a couple close calls 😉 (I forget that I can do emojis here, and I can also post pictures. I'm planning on doing that to make life more interesting). At any rate, at the halfway house, my job is to not only keep the residents safe, but also to model recovery in whatever way I can. Keeping the residents safe is the easy part. However, in order to do my job, I have to always be 'in recovery,' and I find that helpful to me. I hope the residents benefit from that.
As I mentioned, my definition of success has changed so that I can experience success today, and others can benefit from my success. It's called a win-win. Today I like to think of the work I do as a sower - I sow ideas and actions that uplift and encourage people, and hopefully ease suffering. Once in a while I help save an actual life. But most of the time, I don't get to know the outcome of my sowing. I have to trust. I have to trust that the love I put forth into the world lands somewhere and does some good somehow. Was today a day in which I reaped (reapt?) what I sowed? I really don't think so. I think today was one of those so-far infrequent days when my Chief Judge and my Soul were on the same page. I think I reap in more subtle ways - another day that I didn't have to drink or use, and I wasn't obsessed with figuring out the best way to die. That right there is gold for me. I also get to reap peace of mind, a feeling of security, and people in my life that are the best people on earth. And, sometimes, I get to feel useful.
None of that stuff can you quantify on an Excel spreadsheet, and today, I'm ok with that.
Namaste,
Ken
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