An Idea Whose Time Has Come

I used to have as low a level of self-esteem as I think one can have and still maintain life. When I realized what self-esteem was, and when I realized I lacked it, I went in search for it. [cue "Lookin' for Love in All the Wrong Places" (Mickey Gilley)].

I thought I had found it in a bottle. It didn't last. I thought I had found it in sex. Again, it wasn't real and it didn't last. I found it in new jobs, and it wore off along with the honeymoon period. I once had a hefty sum of money - didn't do it for me (maybe because the money wasn't mine?). I looked for it in prescription medication. I looked for it everywhere, including not drinking. I went to counseling - lots of it. I successfully completed parole - felt good, but the feeling didn't last. I love playing piano, but if that actually gave me self-esteem, I'd be practicing a lot more than I do. Same with writing. Same with education - 168 college credits, and debt I'm still paying today, with no degree, no self-esteem.

When I wasn't trying to gain self-esteem through the various methods listed above, I covered up my lack of it through false pride and arrogance. God, I used to know it all, and I let people know I knew it all too. The problem (or maybe the good thing) is that that, too, didn't work forever. 

Three years ago, when I ran my own business, I remember realizing, for the first time in my life, that I could support myself. I had the skills necessary to do that. It was really nice to realize that. I don't think I realized it deep enough at the time, or perhaps that was just a taste of what was to come.

When I began my recovery, I knew that I would have to be true to myself, and I knew that I had to learn how and then take responsibility for my life. Actually, I knew this stuff in my head a long time ago, but 2-1/2 years ago, I really knew it deep down - enough to begin to take action. So when I was discharged from Genesis House and got a room on my own, I endeavored to make my top priority (regarding my finances) my rent and paying back money to my friends and former customers. I began living within my means. After a relatively short time of living within my means, and starting to really take responsibility for this life, I began to notice a strange new feeling emerge. It was a good feeling, but it wasn't euphoria. It was kind of a motivating feeling, almost like pride, but not quite. I felt good about myself and the way I was living. I felt more 'solid'. I did not know what this feeling was, and at alumni group one evening at Genesis I reported this feeling and wondered if anybody could help me name it. The counselor said, "It's called self-esteem." Wow.

Self-esteem has it's levels - it's not an on/off thing - it fluctuates. But I've been noticing some things over the past year happening to through me that I didn't ask for specifically. I began valuing the people in my life, and people in general, a lot more than I used to. I began respecting my jobs - meaning that I came to work prepared, and I wasn't just there to put in my 8 hours. I began to become interested in ethics and boundaries, and began following them, even when I was tempted not to. Weird stuff like that. I used to be honest and ethical when it suited me, or when I had nothing better to do. Now I do it all the time the majority of the time.

In the process, somewhere along the line, I began to really value my gifts, and value myself as a human being. Again, it used to be that if I received a compliment for something I had done or for a particular trait, I passed it off. Either the person giving the compliment was crazy and didn't know what they were talking about, or I felt inside that I had fooled them, or maybe they were just being nice. Nothing that was ever said good about me was real. Now it it's becoming real. 

Today for work I went to a meeting in Janesville with others who are engaged in the kind of work we do at work. (That's actually less cumbersome than trying to explain the whole thing in detail). I gave a 30 minute presentation on "The Role of the Certified Peer Specialist [that's me 😊] in the PATH Program." It went well. But I came away from today really really feeling like I belong in what I'm doing. I did not feel fake, I did not feel arrogant, I did not feel untrue to myself. I felt that solid feeling inside that comes from doing what is mine to do, and knowing that I have inside of me what I need. More self-esteem. 

And since true self-esteem does not come from doing harm to others, or from trying to make myself big, it is lasting, and it increases. The more I operate from my True Self, the more I operate from my True Self. Make sense?

So today's topic/point is not self-esteem - self-esteem is the example. Today's topic is "Everything in my life (and creation) begins with a thought." However, since I've been writing a long time, I'll make this quick.

Decades ago, I realized I had no self-esteem, and thought to myself, "I gotta get me some of that shit." (I used to be a lot cruder). And I held onto that thought - I didn't let it go. At some level, it was always with me, and though I sought after self-esteem very unskillfully, I began to arrive there. When we have a deep desire for something, it gets fulfilled. That's the way the Universe works. We live in a 'Yes' Universe. After a while, hopefully, we become a bit better skilled at requesting things, and at receiving. Really, 30 years ago, I didn't even know what I was asking for. 

Another Truth of the Universe (and the Wizard of Oz) is that everything we seek is already within us. I was born with self-esteem, because when we're born, we know where we come from. I un-learned self-esteem pretty early on, and it was a long and circuitous journey to get back to even the outer borders of it. I feel like I've entered a new country.

Seek and ye shall find; knock, and the door shall be opened unto you [attributed to Jesus]. Doesn't necessarily mean today, but it's there. 

Enjoy the journey!

Namaste,

Ken