Adventure Road

I took advantage of an opportunity to be of service to a stranger today. A person who was traveling to Chino Valley got 'stuck' in our store parking lot overnight because they were driving with an invalid driver's license, and the Prescott police instructed them to park and not drive anymore. They were hauling a trailer full of goats to auction today, and came into our store this morning to see if someone could drive their truck for them. I had started work at 5 this morning and had completed my tasks around 7, about the time this person was asking for some kind of assistance. They were talking to the manager at work who has given me so much assistance and support over the past two years, and the manager (my friend) asked me if I would be willing to drive this person and their cargo to Chino Valley to the livestock auction. As I had no commitments for the rest of the day, I said I would.

I am so grateful I agreed to help this person out. It was an adventure for me - safely take this stranger and their trailer full of goats to Chino Valley and find my way back to Prescott. I've driven to Chino Valley and back before, but never in a truck with a trailer, and I've never been out to the auction. It's been about 34 years since I've towed a trailer, and the traffic between Prescott and Chino Valley is never good in the daytime. The trip is only about 15 miles, but there are a million stoplights and several traffic circles to navigate along the way. And today we came upon a bad accident, which led us to take a detour. 

The person whom I was assisting was pleasant and grateful. They seemed elderly and frail, and I wondered about their ability to complete their journey even with a valid driver's license. My companion told me the past month has been hard for them, and this trip to the auction was important for them. It seems that determination is a characteristic of many people around these parts, and it goes a long way. They had not been out to this auction, so we relied upon my GPS to guide us. The last two miles were on an unpaved, washboard road, and the going there was very rough and slow!

We found the auction place. Today was the first time I was at a livestock auction, so I had no idea what the procedures were. This auction place is operated by people of Mexican descent, and that made me feel very comfortable, as I've usually found Mexicans to be very courteous and more than helpful. We were instructed to back the truck/trailer up to the corral gate in order to tag and unload the goats. I asked my companion to back the trailer up, as I was sure they could do a better job than I; however, they seemed to be having a lot of difficulty maneuvering, so I asked one of the auction folk to take over. One did, and got things lined up well. They tagged the goats while my companion filled out the paperwork. I stood around and watched, which I usually do quite well. 

We left the goats and the trailer at the auction site, and I drove us back to Chino Valley proper - to our sister store. My companion was going to take care of some business and try to find a driver to take them home to Kingman after the auction. I set out to find a way back to Prescott. 

There is a regional bus service in Yavapai County, and currently it is free. I was planning to take the bus back to Prescott, but I missed the first opportunity. I called a few cab companies, and one got back to me and was able to pick me up. While waiting for the cab, I met a person who needed to get to Prescott for a mental health appointment at the outfit I worked briefly at last year. This person had no money, and I offered to share the cab with them (which made the large cab fare seem more palatable to me). This person was about my age, and, like me, had suffered much over their lifetime from poor mental health. They were currently in an unhoused condition, and facing the prospect of moving into a group home, which wasn't very attractive to them. I understood. They were very grateful to be able to make it to their appointment on time and hopefully get the assistance they need.

I am very grateful for all that transpired today. I am grateful that I got to be of service to two strangers today. I am grateful that I am fit to be of service - sober, reasonably sane, and legal to drive. I am grateful that I had the opportunity to throw caution to the wind today - I took the opportunity to get outside my 'safe' zone in a skillful way. My safe zone is comfortable, but it's not a place where growth and fulfillment occur, and eventually, my safe zone becomes untenable, and I feel myself desiring to break out of it in unskillful ways.

And lately I've been desiring some hard evidence that we really do live in a loving, supportive Universe, and today I got it. I am grateful. 

Namasté,

Ken

Starting at the Top

 My current counselor recently introduced me to a new (to me) concept. We were talking about doing our best vs seeking approval. My counselor used to teach, and he said that when he began the semester, he told his students that they all had A's - that all they had to do if they wanted to have an A at the end of the semester was to maintain it by learning and doing the work. This sounded to me both intriguing and a little fishy. The more I started to think about it, and to examine my past regarding doing my best vs approval seeking, the more it made sense, especially spiritually.

As discussed in an earlier post, one of my core beliefs that doesn't work for me anymore is that I am inferior, I'm not good enough, I don't have what it takes (whatever it is). I have reinforced that belief time and time again through sabotaging the opportunities that came my way. When I had an opportunity, instead of doing my best, I did what I thought would bring me approval and love. Living for approval is not sustainable in the long run for (at least) two reasons: the first is that if I need approval from someone else as motivation to live life, I've made another human being (or an institution or corporation) my higher power, and no human being (or institution or corporation) is equipped to take on the job of being mine or anyone else's higher power. The second reason is that I have an addictive personality, and approval is like a drug to me, and eventually, I can't get enough. So the end result of living life to get others' approval is discouragement, disappointment, and resentment. Not good.

Those of us who have lived through mental illness and/or addiction and/or incarceration can probably relate - we've hit bottom in one way or another. When we get out of the hospital, or the treatment center, or the prison, if we don't want to go back, it looks like we're at the base of a very tall mountain - the mountain being recovery and regaining health, dignity, and respect. Lots of us get a little way up the mountain, get exhausted, fall down and roll back down, somewhat like Sisyphus.

What if I changed my thinking on this? What if, instead of starting at the bottom, beaten and broken, and having to scrabble my way up, I start at the top, meaning cultivating a belief that I already have what I need to be successful in whatever I desire to do today? Cultivating this belief, however, has a few prerequisites - I must be willing to live a day, or even a moment, at a time; I must be willing to act as if I have a loving Higher Power that provides me with everything I need today to have a successful day; I must be willing to not only count the mistakes I make in a day, but to count the things I've done well during the day.

I have a new job - I work at a grocery store as a courtesy clerk and, more recently, as a checker. Most days I open, meaning I start at 6 am  checking and preparing certain things for the day's business. In other words, I clean the bathrooms and the break room, sweep the floors, take out the trash, and perform other miscellaneous tasks. Then when customers begin coming, I help bag groceries, collect carts, check prices, and other miscellaneous tasks. I love what I'm doing (being of service) and I feel extremely grateful and fortunate to be working in a grocery store. It has great meaning for me - 23 years ago I worked in grocery, and I really messed that job up in a big way. I feel like I've been given another chance and an opportunity to make indirect amends to the grocery store for which I used to work, as well as direct amends to myself - I get to work each day at being a different person than I used to be. I go at my job each day with enthusiasm, and I do my best. Apparently my best is very good, as my work has been noticed several times in a positive way. 

Because I see this job as a gift from God or an opportunity from the Universe, I am interested in seeking my approval regarding how I show up and perform each day. I know what I need to do to feel like I'm doing a good job. I'm not interested in anyone else's approval, though I do get it. (And that's one of the paradoxes in my life - when I do something for it's own sake - for instance, being authentic - rather than in an effort to gain approval, I get more approval than I would have gotten if I had tried for it, and it feels better, too, because it's genuine. I did not solicit it).

What I'm not doing is coming at this job from an angle of 'not good enough' and trying to prove myself. I suit up, show up (on time), and do all my tasks believing that they are gifts. So I don't get paid a whole bunch monetarily, but I am wealthy beyond belief in self-esteem and gratitude.

Now let's take a look at recovery. My current counselor, and a lot of people in recovery, say that the only thing I have to do today in order to be successful is to abstain from using alcohol or drugs. That is really tough for me to swallow, because I counter with, "You mean I could stay in bed all day and do nothing and I'm a success?" Well, sort of. The thing is that staying in bed all day is not conducive to sobriety or mental health recovery. However, if I put my recovery first, I am going to be doing things to support my recovery, and those will be good, healthy things. So maybe I lose my job and crash my car - I'm a success today if I don't allow those circumstances to drive me back to drinking or mental illness. If my reaction to life today is constructive, rather than destructive, and even if I didn't finish everything, or not everything went according to plan, and can still consider myself a success this day. 

I've met so many people who've had difficulty in recovery because addiction or mental illness had crushed their idea of what success "should" be. Nobody has to buy in to another's idea of success. When I follow my heart and conscience, that's success to me today. When I do today what brings joy and peace into my life and the lives of others, I am successful today. I don't need to measure up to anybody else's ideas of success.

To start at the top, I do these things: I open myself, my mind, and my heart to life today - this is where I am, right here and right now, and attempting to avoid or escape it only brings me suffering. In prayer, I align my will with my Higher Power's will, and if I am fuzzy on how to do that, I ask for help. I become grateful for the multitude of gifts that I have, which makes me feel good inside, which in turn motivates me to keep moving in a positive direction. I acknowledge my mistakes, and rectify them if I can and/or learn from them - I no longer beat myself up for them. I no longer say, "I should have known better," because obviously I didn't. I endeavor to live life from the inside out, to be of service, and to utilize the gifts and talents that I have. Through this, I see I have the potential to add a lot to life; this doesn't mean that I have to do it all today. I understand that in order to get wherever I'm going, I have to pass through today, so I endeavor to make today satisfying and joyful.

I've been symptom-free from anything for over two months now. Life is challenging, but it has not been a struggle. I do not recall a time in the recent past when I've felt so engaged with life and actually happy to be alive. I am very grateful.

Namasté,

Ken

Morning Manifesto 1/10

Thank You Source for another day to move closer to a true realization of my Oneness with You. As I move through this day, I commit to be of service to You and my fellows here on Earth. Thank You for granting me all I need and more to do Your will today.

As I move through today, show me what I need to do for myself to make me of maximum service to You and others. Grant me the courage to put You and me first - to treat my body and mind as a temple, and to nourish my Spirit with prayer and meditation. Show me how to be strong and steadfast in Your service.

Remind me today to look past appearances, and, like Mother Teresa, to look for you in all who come into my presence and my consciousness, knowing that You really are there. Also, teach me today what a precious bit of Creation I really am, despite what my brain might say to me. Let me grow this day into the realization that I am Your Beloved, and guide me every moment toward this realization.

I trust in You with all my heart, and lean not on my own understanding. I acknowledge You in all situations, knowing you guide me on my path. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Today, through Your Love, strength, courage, and wisdom, I, like Winston Churchill, will never, never, never give up!

And so it is!

Namasté,

Ken

Riding Uphill

If nothing else, what I have gained in nearly 3 years of recovery is a better perspective.

Some years ago, I trained for and rode in the MS 150, which is a 2 day 150 mile bike ride to benefit the Multiple Sclerosis Society. One of the things that I learned is that training for something physical is 90% mental. Part of training, as well as the ride itself, is hills. Now, on a perfectly flat surface, it's fairly easy, if one's muscles are used to it, to ride at a good clip for a long way. However, I don't live in Kansas, I live in Wisconsin; which means part of the ride is going to include some hills. Riding uphill is tough. It hurts. I did learn that riding as hard as I can to the top, where my chest hurts, I can hardly breathe, and I think I might have to call 911, is not the best way to train on hills. The best way, for me, is to not look too far ahead, gear down, and send conscious signals to my legs to pump, pump, pump. I don't enjoy hills. I do know that practicing on hills makes them easier to climb, but I still don't look forward to the challenge. They're tough, and I don't really feel like doing tough things. 

So why do it? Because it's part of riding, and overall I enjoy riding. That's just the way it is. Also, riding the hills gives me a sense of accomplishment, and it makes me stronger and healthier. Also, usually, once I get to the top of a hill, there is a downhill portion in which I can go fast and pedal lightly, or not pedal at all. The ride downhill is the reward for the ride uphill. Sometimes, after the top of a hill, there's a plateau and then another hill. Do I stop, get off my bike, sit down on the side of the road and cry? Sometimes I feel like it, but no, I don't. Somewhere down the line there's going to be the downhill coast, where I can go 25 mph (or faster) using only gravity. It's there. But I never would have found that if I had quit (like I felt like doing) on the uphill portion.

Often people on a spiritual path in recovery, like myself, find points in life where life seems so easy! It's wonderful! Everything's going my way! And then we come to a hill. Or maybe even something that seems like a brick wall. And we falter. Often, to someone who is new in recovery, this time of struggle can be a big enough letdown to cause that person to give up. But if one has the support of people who have been there, one may get enough courage to see the struggle through. Sometimes, if a person has God as their Higher Power, they might feel that God has abandoned them. Things were going so good! And then God just pulled the rug out! Wtf! If one doesn't at least believe there is a purpose to or a reason for the struggle, one can be inclined to give up. Or think they've lost their connection, or they're no longer spiritual, or they're not even in recovery because they're not feeling it. But the struggle is exactly like the hill on a bicycle ride, and if one shortens their vision to what is in front of them, and keeps moving one step at a time, that person finds their way to the other side, to the 'blessing'. And then they're feeling it again! Personally, I don't believe God hands out struggles. I think I have things to learn, that are mine to learn, on this journey. And I have come to the conclusion that I can learn them now, or learn them in the next lifetime. The next lifetime is unknown to me, so it's preferable (really the lesser of two evils right now) for me to learn in the here and now, where at least I have some idea of what's going on.

I went to a work function tonight. It was a really nice evening that turned out well. People enjoyed themselves, I was surrounded by a lot of really great people, many of whom are friends of mine, the food was good, awards were handed out, and it was as enjoyable as last year's function. And you know what? I wasn't feeling it. But, because of the experience I've gained in recovery, I didn't behave like I wasn't feeling it. Recovery teaches me to suit up and show up, almost without exception. I could show up and do my part well and not have to miss it or piss on anyone's parade because I wasn't feeling it. In the past, I would have taken the way I felt as a sign that I'm not really in recovery, I'm just a big fake, and I'm really a useless piece of shit that might as well not even be here. I don't have to take it that way anymore. Today I can recognize a symptom of my dis-ease - one of the symptoms of depression is not being able to get pleasure from pleasurable things. Anything that I would have done tonight to change the way I felt would have made things much much worse. Instead, what I've learned to do is to carry on - to continue that uphill ride, whether my body or my brain is telling me, "Give up! Stop! Lay your bike down, sit down, and cry!" Because my soul knows that after this hill, if there's not a downhill run, there's at least a plateau before the next hill.

We honored a lot of people tonight, and one of the awards we give is named for a person who died from his illness. His memory lives on. And, to be very honest, I considered whether it would be better for me to be a memory. My decision right now is that it would not; there are people in my life whose lives I touch in a positive way. There are living people who are genuinely appreciative of my presence. So even when I'm not feeling it, I know that my life - that I - make a positive difference on Earth today. 

And the way I felt, or have been feeling recently, is not indicative of the quality of my recovery. When first riding the bicycle, even the slightest uphill grade feels tough. After a few hills, we tackle bigger ones. I was out in Colorado once during some bike race, and these guys (and gals, too) were riding up and down this mountain. I can't even imagine! But I saw it, so it must be possible. 

Sometimes I wonder if my dis-ease it not so much battling or struggling through the lows as it is learning to get rid of the unrealistic idea that life should (there's that s-word, indicative of an unrealistic expectation) be easy. If someone else's life looks easy to me, it only means that I haven't bothered to investigate. In The Road Less Traveled,  M Scott Peck wrote, “Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult - once we truly understand and accept it - then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.” 

So, no, the way I feel is not necessarily reflective of the quality of my recovery, the quality of my life. It can be an indicator that I need to change something, or it could just be an indicator that I'm going through a growth period right now, and the (temporarily) easy ride is just over the hill.

The truth of the matter is that it doesn't matter what I feel like; what matters is how I show up. And I showed up today, and I'm very grateful I did. My feelings, in this case, do not reflect reality. Reality is in what I do. And, to me, that's recovery.

Namasté, 

Ken

Thriving Through the Holidays

The holiday season is a stressful season for just about everybody. I think one would have to be comatose in a sensory deprivation tank to not be affected by the holiday season one way or another. For the person in recovery from addiction and/or mental health conditions, the holidays can be a particularly dangerous time. Because it is stressful, and because the symptoms of our disorders might have made past holidays worse, lots of us walk around already on edge and perhaps dreading upcoming events.

Here are some of the things I practice to make the holidays enjoyable:

Abstain from drinking/using or trying to escape

This almost goes without saying; however, many people feel stress so strongly that 'a little glass of wine' seems perfectly justified. However, we also know that a little glass of wine can turn into an argument, a drunk driving ticket, or even worse. Others of us try to escape by trying to ignore the holidays and isolating. This may be an ok coping mechanism, but for me, embracing this time of year makes me feel much better inside than trying to avoid it. I prepare some lines to say when offered that drink or drug: "I like the holidays better sober." "I'm allergic - whenever I drink (or use), I break out in handcuffs." "I'm driving the sleigh tonight." I also remember that under no circumstances am I required to justify what I  choose to abstain from putting in my own body.

Always remember that I'm not the only one who is stressed

That idiot driver on Bluemound Road who keeps creeping into my line while racing toward Brookfield Square has stuff on their mind, too. Be gentle and patient. It's not an easy time for anyone. And, along those lines,

Be extra kind to those who serve me this time of year

The servers who take my order, the retail clerks that check me out, anybody working this time of year is stressed out. Many people have to work extra hours, so they have the stress of working more, plus their own holiday celebrations, plus the stress that comes along with lots of people contact. It's not easy to maintain a pleasant demeanor when working for a million customers in a day, especially when the customers are often stressed and impatient.

Avoid ruining someone else's experience of the holidays

Everybody, and I mean everybody, has a different experience of the holidays. Personally, I believe I can do without them. I have my own views on the 'meaning of Christmas', but it's not necessary for me to foist my views on anybody else. I don't have to go along with everyone and everything, but neither do I have to make everyone conform with my view. For some people, this is their favorite time of year. For others, it isn't. And it's all ok.

Practicing gratitude

For me, gratitude is an appreciation of all that I've been given, and I've been given a lot! My life is abundant. I can show my appreciation for others by connecting with others this season and giving meaningful gifts from the heart - even if it's just taking a minute to let someone know that I appreciate their presence in my life.

Lower my expectations

Actually, for me, having zero expectations is best. When I take an attitude of, "Let's see what happens," life becomes more pleasant with less disappointment. So when I drive to Brookfield Square, I don't expect to park in front of the store I want to go to. When I'm shopping, I don't expect to be able to breeze in and out of the store in two minutes. 

Take care of myself by:

Adopt a service attitude

In any situation, when I go in with an attitude of 'how can I be of service here,' I usually have a pleasant experience. If I go in thinking, 'What am I going to get out of being here,' if I do actually get something, it probably won't be enough. I can control what I give; I can't control what's given me.

Supporting others

I go to more support groups, again with an attitude of service and giving. When I'm in giving mode, I don't feel lack; when I'm in receiving mode, I often feel lack. Also, when I go to more support groups, I generally feel pretty good about my situation. When I listen to others share what they're going through, I recognize that I'm pretty happy with my 'problems'.

Treating my body well

I make my health a priority. I get enough sleep. I endeavor to say 'no' when I've had enough food (always a challenge). I say 'no' to some commitments, and I try to avoid getting drained.

Taking time for connecting with my Higher Power

This is so important. When I quiet myself, and ask my Higher Power what is important, and how I should show up, I get strength and direction.

Rejecting guilt/staying in my integrity

I always give from the heart first; sometimes my wallet is involved, too. I don't give because someone else expects that I should. If I believe that desiring for someone that they have a prosperous and happy New Year is enough, then that's what I'm giving. I do not let others set my expectations for me. The bonus to this is that when I don't cave in to someone else's expectations, this gives freedom for others to do the same. Additionally, I do not overspend. There is absolutely no reason for me to rack up 3 months worth of debt to celebrate whatever I'm celebrating. That is, to me, insane, and I'm trying to step away a bit from insanity.

It can be very challenging to look out for ourselves during the holidays. We are inundated with ideas about the way the holidays 'should' (ooh, there's that dirty word) be celebrated. This can actually be a time for us to look into our hearts to see how we want to celebrate, and know that it is perfectly ok (just as it is perfectly ok for someone else to celebrate in the manner they choose).

So, to sum up, the holidays are an excellent opportunity for me to practice:

Compassion

Patience

Kindness

Loving service

Giving of myself

Living from the inside out

Peace

Joy

I wish for you a most joyous and healthy holiday season and a Happy and Prosperous New Year!

Namaste,

Ken

Are We There Yet?

I recently surpassed 30 months of recovery. It wasn't a milestone that I was looking for; I happened to be in a recovery meeting and simply counted how many months I've been in recovery, and I was surprised - 30 months seems like a long time to me! And, in truth, it is the longest that I've ever been in this kind of recovery. 30 months is a long time, if taken a month at a time. Taken day by day, or even moment by moment, it goes by relatively quickly.

I've heard that recovery/sobriety is a journey, not a destination. It's a neat concept to think about, and perhaps a comforting thought if I'm not where I want to be after 30 days, or 6 months, or 2 years. But what does it really mean? What does it feel like to be on this journey with no visible or even conceptual end? If there isn't a pinnacle, or a finish line, then what is there?

I was chatting with my supervisor the other day (the same one who called me an overachiever for oversleeping), and I happened to mention that what my aim is in recovery is to die from something besides alcoholism or suicide. That's not really the aim of recovery, but a 'successful' recovery from alcoholism/depression ends with a heart attack, or a car accident, or maybe a jealous ex-boyfriend - who knows? So we pretty much know what the destination of this plane of existence is - the transition from this physical plane to the next, whatever that looks like.

But I've lived a destination-oriented life before, and it's not enjoyable. It's filled with disappointment. For me, the disappointment usually came in the form of missing my destination, but sometimes it came in the form of making my destination, and finding out it wasn't the heaven I'd imagined it to be. 

I couldn't wait to get to high school - I'd be a big kid then, and life would be fun. I got to high school. I wasn't a big kid, parts of high school were fun, but for the most part, it sucked. So I couldn't wait to graduate from high school - I had it set up that I was going out of state for college, and I was really looking forward to that! I'd be free, and be rid of my crappy high school and the crappy town in which I grew up, and I could go have fun as a young adult and be on the road to success - life would be great! Well, I had a lot more fun after high school than I did in high school, but after a while, it began to suck as well. I spent the next 20 years looking for just the right physical situation/location where I could be successful and happy. I didn't find it, but, as I began to get tired of searching, I ended up back in Wisconsin, and very, very slowly began to learn that what I was seeking was inside of me, not outside of me. 

I began to learn that God was inside of me, rather than outside, and life was what I chose it to be, not what happened to me. I had a lot of difficulty with the concept that everything I needed was already here, inside, ready and waiting - not because I couldn't grasp it intellectually, but because I felt so rotten on the inside, I didn't believe it applied to me. There was no way I could be goodness and light, because I was such a useless piece of crap.

But the good news is that, by some miracle, I stuck around on this vile, barren, piece of shit rock floating in an empty, barren universe (now if that's not a depressing thought, I don't know what is!) long enough to begin to see some light. The patient and gentle people in my life led me to believe that I might have it all wrong - that my concept of me and my life was light years away from the Truth of my being.

Somewhere along the line, I learned how to 'be in the moment' - to be right here, right now, rather than in the past (depressing) or in the future (fearful and anxious). And do you know what I found in this moment? Nothing. Absolutely nothing! But I found out that nothing was what I've been looking for, and nothing is better than what I had. There was no past and no future, there was only the here and now, and because there is nothing in this moment, there is room for me to make this moment whatever I want it to be.

And that's what the journey is becoming for me - finding out what I can put into each moment to make life a blessed, peaceful, joyous experience. The destination is the next moment. There are 24 hours in this day, 1,440 minutes, 86,400 seconds. And in those 86,400 seconds, there are an infinite number of moments. So I have, each day, at least 86,400 opportunities to find out what I can give or what I can do or how I can show up to create more heaven on Earth. And that is the Truth. My only limit is the present state of my imagination. That's pretty awesome, and it makes the journey something to look forward to rather than something to be endured.

So, fellow traveler, I wish you well on your journey today, and look forward to the moment when our paths collide again.

Namaste,

Ken 

Sowing and Reaping

I had a really good day at work today. I assisted several people over the phone and a few people in person, and I really really felt really useful. On the flip side, there are some days at work where I go in prepared to do my best, and it feels like I haven't helped a soul. Either way I get a paycheck, but I don't go to work for a paycheck.

I used to have jobs that were fairly objectively quantifiable. At the end of the day I could count how many pieces I'd assembled, or how many screens I had repaired, or how many customers I'd helped, or how many calls I received. That was my measure of success - a number in a column.

I've had to change my mindset about what successful is. I've written about this before, but it bears repeating because we live in a culture that is governed by the bottom line. Let me repeat that - we live in a culture that is governed by the bottom line. 'Our' success is determined by numbers - what's your GPA? How many kids do you have? How much do you make? How much is in your 401k? How much did you spend on that engagement ring? How many years have you been married? How many big screen TVs do you own and how many countries have you visited? How many wins versus losses does 'our' team have? And, in recovery, it can be, "How many years have you been clean/sober?"

Bottom lines can be deceptive. People can have lots of money, but their bank balance and McMansion tell me nothing about their character. Not a thing. I've met some folks that have decades of not using drugs or drinking, but I can't stand to be around their attitude. I've worked beside people who produced more work than I did simply because they didn't stop to correct their mistakes. To me, success is not in the numbers anymore - it's not in the output, it's in the input and the process.

So I look at my work today, and my life (of which my work is a huge part), in a more subjective way: how well did I seek to share myself with others? Did I put forth the effort to give what I've been given, whether I felt like it or not, or whether I was tired or busy? Did I seek to add to someone else's life more than I did my own (knowing that my blessings come and I can't add anything to my own life myself)? 

I felt I had a really good day at work today simply because that's how I interpreted it, and, in a couple of cases, I received feedback that said I was really helpful. I may actually be that way every day - that's my aim, to be of maximum service - but some days I'm not feeling it.

At my job at the halfway house, I call it a good day if nobody died and the house didn't burn down. So far, I've been very successful at that job, though there have been a couple close calls 😉 (I forget that I can do emojis here, and I can also post pictures. I'm planning on doing that to make life more interesting). At any rate, at the halfway house, my job is to not only keep the residents safe, but also to model recovery in whatever way I can. Keeping the residents safe is the easy part. However, in order to do my job, I have to always be 'in recovery,' and I find that helpful to me. I hope the residents benefit from that.

As I mentioned, my definition of success has changed so that I can experience success today, and others can benefit from my success. It's called a win-win. Today I like to think of the work I do as a sower - I sow ideas and actions that uplift and encourage people, and hopefully ease suffering. Once in a while I help save an actual life. But most of the time, I don't get to know the outcome of my sowing. I have to trust. I have to trust that the love I put forth into the world lands somewhere and does some good somehow. Was today a day in which I reaped (reapt?) what I sowed? I really don't think so. I think today was one of those so-far infrequent days when my Chief Judge and my Soul were on the same page. I think I reap in more subtle ways - another day that I didn't have to drink or use, and I wasn't obsessed with figuring out the best way to die. That right there is gold for me. I also get to reap peace of mind, a feeling of security, and people in my life that are the best people on earth. And, sometimes, I get to feel useful.

None of that stuff can you quantify on an Excel spreadsheet, and today, I'm ok with that.

Namaste,

Ken

Mindful Helping

I unintentionally opened a can of worms this morning in our reflections group. Without going too far into specifics, I made what I thought was a fairly clear and straightforward statement about living in community and looking out for each other. A discussion that was longer and more in-depth than I had anticipated (or desired) ensued. I don't think we came to any hard and fast conclusions about when and how to help the people we live with.

The incident got me to thinking about how I determine when and how to help someone. I looked at my past behavior and my present behavior regarding this, and what 'rules' I follow. I'm pretty sure this is a topic upon which a whole book could be written, and, even after it was written, there'd still be questions about the 'right' way to help someone.

In the past, helping someone was rarely done from my heart, or with any sense of rationality or even humility. I helped when I had something to gain from helping. Often, that gain came in the form of ego gratification or to escape confrontation. A pretty girl had a lot better chance of getting help from me than some guy did. (In fact, sometimes with women I would get obsessed with helping them out, which usually ended with me getting resentful and then drunk. Obsession deserves its own post). Inside, I usually expected something in return for my giving of myself or my money. Sometimes I helped because then I could feel superior to those I was helping. Sometimes I withheld help in order to punish. Often I helped to receive pats on the back, to make someone else make me feel better about myself.

The common ingredient in the way in which I helped others in the past was me. Or, more accurately, my fragile, arbitrary ego. These are not healthy ways to help for me. They threaten my recovery. One way to avoid helping in this manner is to stop helping. I don't think that's healthy, either. Another way for me to learn to help others helpfully is to constantly be on the lookout for the things I put in italics above - is it part of an obsession? Do I have expectations surrounding my help? Is my helping someone helping me to feel superior? Is my ego getting stroked? Am I helping out of fear - like a fear of rejection?

Now, my experience has been that I don't change overnight. This means that in my giving and helping, there are probably still elements of selfishness and ego gratification. However, I can move toward a more healthy helping and giving. For instance, I gave someone a handmade gift (I've probably mentioned this before), and the giving had healthy and unhealthy elements. I care for this person, and I wanted to give him something nice that came from my creativity - that's healthy. I also recognized that I had expectations surrounding the gift. He was supposed to open it in front of a bunch of other people - that didn't happen, and I watched how my thinking went to the disappointment of the dashed expectation. Because I was being observant and mindful, it didn't really matter that part of me went there, because I chose not to focus on what my expectations were, and chose to focus on the fact that I was able to give someone a nice gift that came from the heart.

I think, too, that now that I recognize a higher power that is not only operative in my life but the lives of everyone, the way in which I give is different. I no longer try to be someone's higher power through helping and giving (obsession). And there seem to be a lot of times, especially lately, when people may come to me for something that isn't mine to give. In those cases, I can give support and referral to other resources. There's a part of me that wants to be the Godfather - you come to me needing something, I can supply it. That attitude is 'playing God' (hence the term Godfather), and I avoid doing that. I have to trust that if I can't give someone what they need, our Higher Power will give it to them another way.

Another helpful guideline someone gave me a few years ago - If I do something for someone that they can do for themselves, I'm subconsciously telling them that I don't believe they can do it. This is very important to me in my role as a peer specialist, and even in general as a human being. The greatest discoveries in my life have been when I've been able to do something that I thought I couldn't do. I don't want to deprive anyone of finding out how powerful they really are by doing things for them that they can be doing themselves. Now, sometimes, maybe often, this puts me in a position where I have to say 'no' to folks, and I really don't like doing that. It still makes me uncomfortable, so I guess I have room to grow in that area. But people desiring recovery from addiction and mental health conditions come from a state of helplessness. I still remember vividly when I believed I would never be able to support myself or live by myself. Had I had too many people agree with me on that, I might not be alive today. I certainly wouldn't be doing what I'm doing right now. So it is very important to allow people to discover what they're really made of.

I also have professional ethical boundaries, which give me guidance on how much I can help another. They are useful guidelines, but sometimes I cross those boundaries when I feel I'm doing the right thing. I'm not a big stickler on following rules simply because they're the rules (just kidding if any of my supervisors are reading this!).

Lastly, I need to be mindful of my own needs, which is very much a challenge for me. I still have a tendency to overextend myself in the 'service' of others. Just thinking about it now, writing about Helping Myself could be its own post, if not an entire book. Taking time for myself, by myself, recharging, taking care of my physical, mental, and spiritual health all require time, and very often I find myself out of time to take care of myself. To be of maximum service to others, I must make sure my own house is in order, to quote one of the recovery texts out there. In other words, if I haven't been taking care of myself, I will be deficient physically, spiritually, or mentally, or all three, and whatever I have to give to someone else might not be all that great. It's a definite balancing act right now on my recovery journey.

Halfway through writing this I changed the title to what it is now, Mindful Helping, and I think this is the key. Practicing mindful helping means being aware, very basically, of my motives and how my actions will impact others and me when helping others. This doesn't mean that all of my choices will be the best choices possible, but it does mean I'll be paying attention to help me avoid the pitfalls I used to experience. Today I can learn from my experiences, and when something doesn't feel right to me, I discuss it with another. 

What I'm most grateful for is that the spirit of service seems to be deeply embedded in me. It's like a gift or a talent that I desire to develop as much as I can. So when I do mindful helping, I'm benefiting not only another human being, I'm benefiting myself, and affirming our connection with the Universe. 

Namaste,

Ken