The Benefit or The Goal?

Just musing today...

I've been feeling more joyful lately - just spontaneously feeling good for no reason at all. Of course, no good thing goes un-analyzed. I believe these moments are the result of a consistent effort over time to practice the strategies and principles of recovery.

My mind works in a strange way (big shock there, right?). I remember the last class I took at the second-to-last university I attended. The grade was completely dependent upon 4 papers we wrote during the semester. The professor loved my writing, loved what I had to say - I was doing perfectly. So, by the time I got done with the 3rd paper, and, big surprise, received an A, I'm wondering why I would want to do the final paper. Isn't it obvious that I'm going to get an A? I knew that that wasn't the correct way to think about it, and I did the 4th and final paper and got an A, of course. But I had lost most of my motivation, knowing that the grade was pretty much in the bag.

Looking back at the past couple of years, I can't really say what my motivation has been. I don't know why I decided to give recovery another shot. Maybe it's that unseen life force within me that I fail to recognize. But I'm not all like, "Ooh, I'm going to get my life back," or, "I'm going to make a million bucks." I don't have lofty goals. I don't even have any retirement goals, other than I would like to travel. I don't have any longevity goals - I think longevity in and of itself is overrated. Living to the end of this day would be good.

Maybe I'm like the athlete who wants to optimize her physical performance - I want to see what I can do with what I've got, not only physically but mentally and spiritually. That makes sense to me. There's always room for improvement. When I was in that class, there was no room for improvement - that was as good as it was gonna get.

So the joy I've felt is not my goal. It cannot be my goal; if it were, then I've made it and I can quit now. Been there done that. Joy, however, can be used as a tool, because operating out of a place of joy is supposed to be very powerful. I haven't hit that place enough times to really say yet.

I think probably what has me a little confused, or at least thinking about this, is that the whole "set goals and achieve them" is really a western society ideal, and I no longer subscribe to that. Maybe I never really did. Yes, I have daily goals and things I'd like to accomplish, but I no longer feel the need to 'make something of myself.' It's very freeing, actually. No regrets.

I recognize benefits from recovery every day - everything from not being sick and not being in jail to connecting with other human beings and every once in a while catching a glimpse of my divinity or of yours. When I really think about it, it feels good that I want to keep going just for the sake of keeping going.

Namaste,

Ken