I've known for a while that 'languaging' is very important to my recovery and my spiritual growth (which are becoming more and more inseparable). The way in which I use words, the way in which I think, can make a big difference in the way I feel about myself and the world in which I live. This morning, in a flash of insight, I realized that 'Have To' is one of the causes of anxiety.
I'm going to go back now about 50 years. I went to public school kindergarten. The school district had rented out some classrooms in a church for kindergarten. The church and school was situated on one side of the street, and there was a parking lot across the street which was used as a playground during recess. While school was in session, the street was blocked off so there was no traffic between the school and the playground.
Kindergarten is where I received some very formative lessons. The first day of kindergarten, when we went to recess, the teacher led the class of 5- and 6-year olds across the street to the playground. Of course, being the good leader she was, she had us use the crosswalk. Being still young and not informed in the ways of the world, or maybe because I just didn't see the point, I did not walk within the crosswalk. Our teacher noticed this and yelled at me to get back within the lines. I could say in retrospect that if she had explained to me that we are walking within the crosswalk because it's a good idea to practice safety rules even when it doesn't seem necessary, I might have gotten it and wouldn't have felt hurt and angry. There are two things wrong with that idea - 50 years ago we did not explain shit to children - you either did what you were told and everybody was happy, or you didn't and suffered the consequences. 'Why?' wasn't usually discussed. The 2nd thing is that I don't think I would have understood what the hell she was talking about. All I knew was that I got yelled at for no good reason, just for doing what I wanted to.
I'm going to preface just a little more here - I am a rebel. I have a rebellious nature inside of me. Tell me to do something, and I'll want to do the opposite. Couple the rebellious nature with a personality that has an unhealthy need for the approval of others, and you get a boy who learns to rebel in very sneaky ways. I had some friends growing up who were very outwardly rebellious. It seems like their middle finger was in an upright and locked position all of the time. This is one of my small regrets - that I hadn't been outwardly rebellious. I think it caused me a lot of pain later on in life. Depression has been said to be the opposite of expression, and perhaps if I had been more outwardly expressive with the way I really felt inside, I would have been emotionally healthier. But this is the way things worked out, so here we are. Today I am still rebellious, which I think is just fantastic - I no longer shame myself for thinking outside of the box. I do try to stay constructive with my rebellion, because rebellion, in and of itself, is a good thing. Rebellion is what causes change, and change is good (or at least inevitable).
So how does any of this relate to my thesis statement, that 'have to' causes anxiety? Because we don't have to do anything. Nor 'should' we do anything. Both 'have to' and 'should' can occupy the same spot in the trash can.
We are spiritual beings having a human experience. As spiritual beings, we are free. There are no 'shoulds' or
'have tos'. 'Have to' is a purely human, social construct, and, when I'm told I 'have to' do something, it causes cognitive dissonance. On the one hand, I've been trained that there are certain things that I 'have to' do. That's a neural pathway in my brain. However, my soul knows that there is nothing that I have to do - my soul can express as much or as little as it does, but it doesn't have to do a damn thing. So when someone tells me, or my brain tells me, that I have to do something, that is in disagreement with what I know to be the Truth, and it causes anxiety.
Please be so kind as to read on a little bit so you don't leave with the conclusion that I've gone totally off the rails. But you don't have to read on if you don't want to do so.
As I've mentioned before in several posts, the human brain is set up for automatic pilot. It is a protection mechanism, so we don't have to take the time to process everything in order to figure out whether or not it's a threat to our survival. It's a good thing; however, it causes us to sometimes accept things without examination or create associations that aren't true. If I tell you that I was born on Friday the 13th, which I was, your first thought that comes up might very well be, "Well, that explains a lot, doesn't it?", seeing as Friday the 13th is associated with bad luck. However, we know that, in reality, being born on Friday the 13th has had little, if any, influence in the path I've taken. So, in order to use our brain to our best advantage, it is a good idea to become conscious and ask ourselves once or twice in a while, "Is what I just thought really correct?"
In the crosswalk example, my teacher's advice was actually very sound. It is helpful to practice safety habits, like using crosswalks, even if it's not necessary. I did not interpret what she said in that way. My interpretation was, "You're trying to take my freedom from me," and this caused me some anguish.
I don't have to do anything. I don't have to eat (but if I want to survive, it's probably a good idea to eat); I really do not have to pay taxes (but if I want less trouble from the government, perhaps it would be good for me to pay them). I don't have to get out of bed in the morning (but if I'd like to enjoy life and maybe earn a little money in order to eat the food I don't have to eat, getting out of bed is a good idea).
There are a lot of things that we've learned that we 'have to' do, depending upon how we grew up. We have to go to school. We have to stand for the national anthem (please note that 'national anthem' is not capitalized, so I'm not necessarily talking about the National Anthem of the United States. These are concepts). We have to attend church on Sunday, we have to avoid meat on Fridays, we have to get married before we experience sexual intercourse (again, this all depends upon in which religion one was raised, if any). We have to wear clothes when in public. We have to marry within our ethnic heritage. If we're female, we have to become mothers.
There is nothing wrong with any of those 'have tos' that I listed above, or about the million other 'have tos' that are out there. The problem is the feeling, either conscious, or subconscious, that comes with the have to. When I was young, not doing something that I had to do (or was 'supposed to' do) had dire consequences - it could make the people who had my life in their hands very angry (please try to look at it from the eyes of a 5 year old). When we are that age, our survival depends upon keeping adults happy. Deeply ingrained in us is this idea that we have to do the things we have to do, or there will be dire consequences indeed!
So, 'have to', 'should', and now 'supposed to', are associated with not only survival, but also guilt, and shame (at least in my mind). What is the remedy?
I believe the way to relieve myself of this unnecessary cause of anxiety is to write a really long-ass essay about it. But, seriously, I can recognize that these associations exist in my brain, but not necessarily in reality, and begin to understand that I have a choice in everything I do. Here is an example of the line of thinking I can take:
I don't feel like getting out of bed. It's ok to feel that way; it's just a feeling. What will happen if I stay in bed? What will happen if I get up anyway and go about my day, honoring the commitments I made? What will I choose?
This line of thinking prevents guilt about wanting to sleep all day, and allows me to rationally make a choice. Additionally, it prevents me from creating resentments about whatever I might be doing today. I'm choosing to go to work, or I'm choosing to go to church, or I'm choosing to visit relatives. This is empowering, and it allows me to express who I am. I've heard some people say, "I 'get to' go to work today," which is a very positive way of putting it. And it's not just words, it changes the way we feel.
And what about that rebel? The rebel in me is happy today, because I go out on a limb a whole lot. I might dress and look like everyone else (I actually don't - that's another cognitive distortion), but a lot of my choices about the way I live and think are very much my own, and come from my own heart, not someone else's directive (that they probably got from someone else).
So many people I know feel like they have no control over their lives to the extent that they have no control over their actions, either. "I had to run that red light, or I'd be late to work!" Not healthy. Not empowering.
I'm beginning to see how this human experience is really about learning how to be free in the confined space of these Earthbound bodies. That makes life, for me, a pretty cool journey. Thank you for traveling this part with me.
Namaste,
Ken
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