More Than Enough

(Originally titled "Money Matters")

I was in court on December 27th to take care of a traffic ticket. I wasn't going to try to say that the deputy was wrong, that I didn't go before the light turned green; I surely did do that, right in front of one of Waukesha County's finest. I didn't go to court to get the fine reduced, or to make a payment plan. I simply wanted to see if I could get the charge amended to a no-point violation so that my insurance rates wouldn't go up. (This is a common practice - if one shows up for court, and hasn't been a real bad driver, the court will usually reduce the charge, but still gratefully accept your money). So I did the deal and paid my fine, grateful that I did get the charge reduced to 'improper signal', and grateful that I had the money to pay the $175.30 fine. What was unusual was that I didn't kick myself for wasting money on a fine. In years past, that's been the worst thing about traffic tickets - paying out money and getting nothing in return. 

I like to ponder when I experience an attitudinal change, because it doesn't happen all that often. I think part of not being angry that I shot $175 for nothing is that I've been working on being more accepting of me and my behavior and beating myself up less; but I think the bigger reason is that lately I've consistently felt like I have everything I need. 

I'm going to interject here and say "Nada me falta," which is
Spanish. It translates literally into 'nothing lacks me', and figuratively into 'I lack nothing or nothing is lacking in me.' It's from the Spanish version of the 23rd Psalm: "El Senor es mi Pastor; nada me falta." Our English version says, "The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want." Sometimes the Spanish version of things makes more sense to me, and in this case it certainly does. If the English version said, "The Lord is my Shepherd, I want for nothing," that would make more sense to me, because that is the belief that I've been cultivating within myself.

2017 was a phenomenal year for me as far as finances go. No, I didn't win the lottery, and nobody wealthy who likes me died. I went to work and lived within my means. So what's so phenomenal about that?

It's the 2nd full year that I've been able to live without financial assistance from friends, family, or friendly decedents - for the first time in my life. And two and a half years ago I believed I'd never work again and that I'd have to go on disability. 

I was thinking back to circa 2008 - at that time, I lived in a two-income household, was paying about the same rent I'm paying now, had received a small inheritance from my aunt, and I was making about $3 an hour more than I make now, and we still couldn't make ends meet. So what is the difference between then and now, or between two years ago and now?

The difference is that I began to live what I want to believe. I began to rely upon my Higher Power, even when I had no personal evidence that would assure me that it worked. I've known in my head for a long time that, being a child of God, or a child of the Universe, that all of my needs are already met. They can't not be. What kept me in a constant state of lack was the fear of the unknown - what would happen if I let go of my addictions and my unhealthy attitudes? Remember, from previous posts, that my addictions and my unhealthy attitudes served me very well at one time. They were my friends. They allowed me to get through situations that I thought I couldn't survive. The situations are long gone, but the addictions and attitudes survived. 

So I had to take this leap of faith. Of course, it wasn't that much of a leap of faith, for I had nothing to lose but my life, and I was already willing to do that. Often the most faithful people are also the most desperate. So I went against the grain in my head, and I began to rely upon and trust in my Higher Power. I took the Universe up on its deal, which is, simply this: I (the Universe) will take care of you if you let Me.

I began to live in this manner: So long as I keep moving forward and doing what's in front of me, I don't have to worry about having enough or about getting what I need. Of course, I had to lower my expectations on what I need to basic clothing, basic transportation, food, and a roof over my head. Along with that, I began to practice gratitude. And from this simple practice, my faith developed and strengthened, because I could see it working. 

I still have debt, but I've cleared away thousands of dollars in debt over the past two years. Most importantly to me, I don't owe any individuals any money. I still have between $40k and $80k in debt. It is made up of student loans and money I owe to counties for past treatments, and I'm working on that. (I'll note here that I have a $40k bill from 20 years ago that I'm ambivalent about paying. I probably will pay some day, just to be able to say that I did).  I have faith that if I continue as I am going, I will get my debt cleared up. The most important thing, though, is that debt does not weigh me down. I am not controlled by it, and neither are my feelings.

So, back to the top - what makes it ok for me today to throw away $175.30 on a traffic ticket? I know today, I live with the feeling today, that I have more than enough to do what I need to do today, even if I make a mistake. So, I'm not going to drive around with a devil-may-care attitude; but, I do know today that mistakes are allowed. My success is not contingent upon me living life perfectly, and that's a very good thing, because I don't live life perfectly. I do my best, and try to learn from my mistakes. So I have this feeling of security that comes from knowing that it's all good. 

I know today, too, that faith can grow infinitely - in other words, I'm going to encounter situations that will cause me to have to exercise my faith muscle and make it even stronger. I feel like I'm getting to a place in life where I look forward to challenges more than I dread them.

Namaste,

Ken