Remnants, Symptoms, & Actions

Years ago, during my first treatment for alcoholism, I completed the MMPI - the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory. It is an exhaustive questionnaire designed to determine what mental health issues a person may have. From the results, I was diagnosed with Schizoid Personality Disorder. As I look back on that, I wonder why nothing was ever recommended for that. I didn't do any counseling or anything to address that. Anyway, some of the symptoms are social isolation, a lack of close friends, a limited range of emotions, and an avoidance of relationships. There's more, but that about covers it, except that one of the symptoms is also lack of knowledge that there's anything wrong. 

I am fortunate today that I no longer suffer from alcoholism, major depressive disorder, or schizoid personality disorder. I still have them, but in recovery I don't suffer from them, and this is the distinction. The symptoms of my disorders no longer rule my life.

I did not actively attempt to recover from SPD (schizoid personality disorder). I believe that my attempts at recovery from alcoholism overrode the main symptoms of SPD, as much of recovery from alcoholism involves doing things that are opposite the symptoms of SPD. Much of alcoholism/addiction recovery, and I believe recovery from mental health disorders, revolves around taking actions that we don't necessarily feel like doing.

And this is one of the ways I know I'm in recovery - not necessarily by how I feel, but what I am doing. Am I doing something today that makes me feel uncomfortable? Good! If I do only the things with which I feel comfortable, I won't stay in recovery. 

My mornings have gotten a lot better, but every day when I wake up, I still would feel more comfortable staying in bed than getting up and facing the day. That is a remnant of major depressive disorder. It becomes a symptom again if I actually stay in bed and miss work or something else I have planned for the day. 

I don't much care for social events, and I feel  that I could live without them. This is a remnant of SPD, and possibly alcoholism. It becomes a symptom again if I avoid social events which would be good for me. 

I get uncomfortable when I feel myself getting close to someone. This is a remnant of SPD. It becomes a symptom when I actively avoid opportunities presented to me to develop friendships.

The list goes on and on, but I define my recovery more on what I'm doing than by what I'm feeling. In this way, my focus is on healthy things, not on symptoms. One of the laws of the Universe is that that which I focus on increases. So, for instance, if I focus on the feeling I have every morning that I'd rather stay in bed, I'm going to have a lot more difficulty actually getting up. If I change my focus in the morning to the benefits of getting out of bed, like keeping my job and getting paid and eating and having a home, then that's what happens, and the desire to stay in bed dissipates. I can recall days past in which all day long my desire was to go back to bed. I no longer have that. 

I don't mind the remnants anymore. I've come to accept that I may still feel these unhealthy things - the blessing is that today, I know I can take healthy actions that are different than what I'm feeling. In this way, my unhealthy feelings no longer determine how I show up today.

By the way, if the day ever comes where I am 100% happy with me and my life, and I never feel anything negative or think about unhealthy things, please be assured that I will let you know!

Namaste,

Ken