Stigma Revisited

First impressions can be lasting. They don't have to be, but, sometimes they are. I continue to discover the cognitive distortions (thinking errors) in which I engage that need to be corrected, or adjusted. Usually the problem with a cognitive distortion, as the term implies, is that there is some element of truth in every thought - it's just that I've distorted it, for whatever reason. I think that most often cognitive distortions are assumptions and suppositions that are applied too broadly, or sometimes too permanently.

I have heard that alcoholism is a disease of perception, and I know that major depressive disorder is as well. For me, I can take a grain of truth and create a beach of misery. A great deal of my recovery involves discovering my distortions, accepting that I have them and operate by them, and practicing moving my thinking toward something more workable in my life. It's a lot of work for me. A half-century of bad thinking habits doesn't get turned around in one day, just because I realize my thinking sucks. I had to have a lot of help in the beginning, and sometimes still need help to see where my thinking is tripping me up - creating less-than-desirable results in my life.

So what does all this have to do with stigma? As I've mentioned once or twice before, the default for the human brain is auto-pilot. It's a mechanism designed to protect us, so that we don't have to consciously repeat our thinking every time we see a snake <DANGER!>. It's a good mechanism, very protective, but it's not always true. We may get scared by things that look like a snake - a gnarled stick, for instance. We might decide that anything with scales is bad for us, and transfer our fear of snakes onto harmless fish. According to the first thing that came up when I Googled it, stigma is "a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person." I can stigmatize myself, and have often done so, and I can stigmatize others.

I attended a class a few days ago, and learned some more about the human brain, which, big surprise, really interests me. The brain is a hugely complex organ, even more complex than what I had previously thought. It seems a miracle to me that we don't have more breakdowns. But what struck me is this: Our two most noticeable organs our body has are our skin (yes, the skin is an organ) and our brain. The skin, because it's our clothing - it's what people see about us - and our brain, because the workings of our brain show up in our speech and behavior. So, if to the beholder, someone's skin looks different than our own, or their behavior is different than we expect, the beholder's little reptilian brain can go into yellow or even red alert. If we see somebody who appears or behaves outside of our 'normal' range, we take notice. It happens naturally.

There are lots of types of stigma, but here, I'll focus on appearances and behavior. Many years ago, my very first real job was at a sheltered workshop for developmentally disabled adults. Now, many people with a developmental disability (what used to be called mental retardation) have physical appearances outside the norm. Let's pick on folks born with Down Syndrome, a disorder caused by a chromosomal mutation before birth. People who live with down syndrome are often mildly to moderately developmentally delayed. Physically, "A few of the common physical traits of Down syndrome are low muscle tone, small stature, an upward slant to the eyes, and a single deep crease across the center of the palm – although each person with Down syndrome is a unique individual and may possess these characteristics to different degrees, or not at all. (https://www.ndss.org/about-down-syndrome/down-syndrome) [emphasis added]. The very first thought someone might have when they encounter a person with Down Syndrome is, "They're different." Stigma starts when the person who has that thought never bothers to think past that first thought. Stigma continues on when the person attaches a judgment to their first thought - "they're different, so they're bad (or dangerous, or stupid, or evil, etc)." The disgrace of being born with Down Syndrome. That's stigma - attaching a negative judgment to someone, most often for something over which they have no control.

So often folks are pre-judged base on the condition with which they live, not on their behavior. To get past the initial thought, one very often has to get to know someone - to sit down and talk with someone, and listen, and work at understanding. One has to look past the outer appearance, and past the brain, to see who is really in there. It takes time, it takes patience, it takes intention, it takes effort. Mother Teresa said she saw Jesus in everyone she met. In order for her to do that, she had to look. She had to put forth the effort, because most of the people she dealt with were sick and impoverished. 

I love people today that years ago I would have avoided. But the truth for me is that for years and years I only judged myself by my skin, my gender, and my brain. I felt ugly, I learned growing up that men were bad, so I was bad, and my brain surely didn't work right at all. It's no wonder I wanted to die. When I was given the opportunity to challenge my thinking and my beliefs, I began to see a Ken that I had never known. I began to see a multi-talented, kind, caring individual who really does have a pretty big heart, once all the calcium was chipped away. And I began to know that I am more than my looks, I'm more than my gender, and I'm more than my brain, and I began to become ok with all of me. I don't know if I started with me, or with other people, but I also began the scary and challenging work of getting to know others beyond their labels. And I stopped being so afraid of people. I began to see that, as we say in NAMI, we have more similarities than differences.

Here's the spiritual part of all of this - spirituality is about developing the ability to see and believe beyond appearances. It's about looking for the universal Truth that we are all children of a loving and benevolent Universe, and discovering that Truth in ourselves and others, and then living that Truth. We are all connected; that is why what I give out returns to me. So I seek to know you, the real you, underneath your human shell, because in getting to know you, I also get to know me, and I get to know God.

Namasté

Ken