Have I written yet of my intense dissatisfaction with life, as I knew it? I think I have. Genetics aside, my experience is that alcoholism and depression stem from an inability to connect with life as it appears. It's an inability to derive pleasure or satisfaction from the activities people around me are enjoying. So the search begins, and the search has taken me to different states and countries, through prison, definitely to different substances, and behaviors.
The journey has been worthwhile. To the average, standard person, however, my life has been a waste. I've got no credit, no property to speak of, no education, no family - I got nothin'. To me, however, I have an immense encyclopedia about what doesn't work, and I have the experience to back it up. There are those of us on Earth who hear, "Don't do that," or "Just say no," and they say, "No" and then don't do it. I'm not one of those people. I know from my own personal experience that jail and prison is dehumanizing and a terrible waste of life. I know from experience the pain, shame, remorse, and sometimes terror that comes from alcoholism. I know from experience the deep depression that comes from having a fully functional brain and body yet being unable to live life successfully (as we know success). I know from experience what it's like to have hope dashed time and time again by abysmal failure in every area of life. I know from experience the intense loneliness and emotional (and often physical) isolation that those of us who live with addiction and mental illness suffer. I know what it's like to be looked down upon by my own family. What makes all of this worthwhile is that today I'm on the other side of that. What makes it worthwhile is that I can share my experience, and now my strength and hope, with others who have found the same dissatisfaction with how life looks. What really makes it worthwhile is the journey to something deeper and more meaningful.
In the United States, we live in a medicated society. For everything that makes us feel bad, there is something available to numb the bad feeling. And I'm not only talking about alcohol and illegal drugs and pharmaceuticals. There are myriad ways to numb our feelings and quiet our cognitive dissonance - entertainment, sports, sex, patriotism, nationalism, the internet, social media, consumerism, religion, and many many more. Distractions. Distractions from the pain that tugs the soul of humanity. Distractions so we don't have to focus on the fact that we are killing ourselves. If we feel the pain of knowing that we're a nation that can disregard the very lives of our children, there's something to take to numb that pain, or something to do that can distract us. And, for a lot of people, that works.
[Let me mention here that a lot of the things that we use to distract ourselves aren't bad things in and of themselves. In fact, if you follow the creation stories in Genesis, God didn't make anything bad. What is harmful is when we use things in order to avoid looking at ourselves or the Truth].
And, for a growing number of people, it doesn't work anymore. There's not a substance or an activity that can blind us to the mass destruction we are wreaking on ourselves. I'm one of those people.
And, the personal deal for me is that I don't necessarily always want to be one of those people. It's a challenge and it's scary. I know what is 'expected' of me by society, and I can live up to those expectations when I'm sane and sober. But those expectations don't do it for me. If I do only what is expected of me by others, my depression gets so deep that I want to self-destruct.
So my journey is two-fold: One, to become quiet enough to listen to the still small voice within, and two, to overcome the fear and discomfort of being unconventional - of being myself. Neither are easy. Another obstacle is that my first thought always seems to be to look outside of myself for the answers, even though a lifetime of doing that has gotten me to the point of some understanding that the only answers are within.
It's a challenge. I'm not one of those people who seek enlightenment from the mountaintop - I'm one of those souls who seeks to find it in the trenches. And in the trenches, I have to do icky things, like connect with people and live and speak in ways that might be unpopular. However, when I look at life as an adventure, knowing that somewhere along the line I did chose this path, and understand that I'm fully equipped to live it, it is fun and enriching (not depressing). So I lurch along in staggered forward movements, with gratitude for the path that is mine.
Namaste,
Ken
No comments:
Post a Comment