The Calling from Within

Have I written yet of my intense dissatisfaction with life, as I knew it? I think I have. Genetics aside, my experience is that alcoholism and depression stem from an inability to connect with life as it appears. It's an inability to derive pleasure or satisfaction from the activities people around me are enjoying. So the search begins, and the search has taken me to different states and countries, through prison, definitely to different substances, and behaviors. 

The journey has been worthwhile. To the average, standard person, however, my life has been a waste. I've got no credit, no property to speak of, no education, no family - I got nothin'. To me, however, I have an immense encyclopedia about what doesn't work, and I have the experience to back it up. There are those of us on Earth who hear, "Don't do that," or "Just say no," and they say, "No" and then don't do it. I'm not one of those people. I know from my own personal experience that jail and prison is dehumanizing and a terrible waste of life. I know from experience the pain, shame, remorse, and sometimes terror that comes from alcoholism. I know from experience the deep depression that comes from having a fully functional brain and body yet being unable to live life successfully (as we know success). I know from experience what it's like to have hope dashed time and time again by abysmal failure in every area of life. I know from experience the intense loneliness and emotional (and often physical) isolation that those of us who live with addiction and mental illness suffer. I know what it's like to be looked down upon by my own family. What makes all of this worthwhile is that today I'm on the other side of that. What makes it worthwhile is that I can share my experience, and now my strength and hope, with others who have found the same dissatisfaction with how life looks. What really makes it worthwhile is the journey to something deeper and more meaningful.

In the United States, we live in a medicated society. For everything that makes us feel bad, there is something available to numb the bad feeling. And I'm not only talking about alcohol and illegal drugs and pharmaceuticals. There are myriad ways to numb our feelings and quiet our cognitive dissonance - entertainment, sports, sex, patriotism, nationalism, the internet, social media, consumerism, religion, and many many more. Distractions. Distractions from the pain that tugs the soul of humanity. Distractions so we don't have to focus on the fact that we are killing ourselves. If we feel the pain of knowing that we're a nation that can disregard the very lives of our children, there's something to take to numb that pain, or something to do that can distract us. And, for a lot of people, that works.

[Let me mention here that a lot of the things that we use to distract ourselves aren't bad things in and of themselves. In fact, if you follow the creation stories in Genesis, God didn't make anything bad. What is harmful is when we use things in order to avoid looking at ourselves or the Truth]. 

And, for a growing number of people, it doesn't work anymore. There's not a substance or an activity that can blind us to the mass destruction we are wreaking on ourselves. I'm one of those people.

And, the personal deal for me is that I don't necessarily always want to be one of those people. It's a challenge and it's scary. I know what is 'expected' of me by society, and I can live up to those expectations when I'm sane and sober. But those expectations don't do it for me. If I do only what is expected of me by others, my depression gets so deep that I want to self-destruct. 

So my journey is two-fold: One, to become quiet enough to listen to the still small voice within, and two, to overcome the fear and discomfort of being unconventional - of being myself. Neither are easy. Another obstacle is that my first thought always seems to be to look outside of myself for the answers, even though a lifetime of doing that has gotten me to the point of some understanding that the only answers are within.

It's a challenge. I'm not one of those people who seek enlightenment from the mountaintop - I'm one of those souls who seeks to find it in the trenches. And in the trenches, I have to do icky things, like connect with people and live and speak in ways that might be unpopular. However, when I look at life as an adventure, knowing that somewhere along the line I did chose this path, and understand that I'm fully equipped to live it, it is fun and enriching (not depressing). So I lurch along in staggered forward movements, with gratitude for the path that is mine.

Namaste,


Ken

Distractions!

One of the main challenges to recovery is distractions. The recovery that I want to experience, which includes complete sobriety and freedom from the debilitating symptoms of my mental health condition, requires consistent attention to maintain. Freedom from the symptoms of my conditions does not guarantee that I will remain symptom free. And my understanding from others is that this is something everybody in recovery has to deal with - my head wants to think that just because I'm sober and sane today, I'm good to go. In reality, that's not the case.

I have experienced this enough to understand that it isn't necessarily the 'bad' things in life that will send me back to my diseases. Very often, probably most often, it's the 'good' things that come my way as a result of recovery that will start me on the road to relapse. What starts me on the road to relapse is forgetting that I deal daily with a chronic, fatal condition. Even though I appear 100% (well, maybe 90%) healthy in mind and body today, I need to pay attention to my thoughts, feelings, and actions more than your average guy walking down the street. I don't know if it's good or bad, but relapse doesn't wait for me just around the next corner, ready to pounce. It's further down the road. I can get into trouble long before I'm aware of it, and that is why vigilance is a good thing to practice if I want to stay in recovery.

Ok, so where is all of this stuff going? Well, a few months ago I got back on Facebook. I had been on Facebook a few years back, and had gotten off of it because back then, I didn't understand that I did not have to respond or react to everything everybody posted. I realized I was getting way too far into others' business, and I didn't want to do that, so I deactivated my account. It was really on a whim that I signed up again, but I thought maybe I could do some good sending good vibes out into the community. The results on that aren't in yet.

I find Facebook fascinating and addictive. Peering into your life is so much more fun and interesting than peering into my own (It just struck me that I'm the one responsible for that, so I'll have to make my own life so interesting that I don't feel the need to escape into yours. Pretty way of saying, "Get a life!") So, I found myself spending a lot of time on Facebook. This time around, I know enough to keep a lot of my opinions to myself. However, I still have trouble keeping your opinions to yourself. With all of the political unrest we've been experiencing here in the US, I've been witness to what a lot of people are feeling and (not) thinking. And it has upset me. And instead of turning it off, turning my attention elsewhere, I just kept at it. And that was the warning sign for me - my behavior was making me sick, and yet I felt compelled to continue on with it. What was becoming important in my life was the news and views of everybody else and their brother. Not good if I want to stay in recovery. Not healthy at all.

A distraction is anything that takes my attention away from my recovery, for whatever reason. I am not being dramatic when I state that in order for me to stay alive, much less function as a useful human being, I must keep recovery at the center of my life. If I don't I will die.

So I 'fessed up to one of my accountability partners as to what was going on, and it was suggested to me that I stay off of Facebook for a while until I get back on track. In other words, abstain. I haven't been able to do that yet, but I have cut back on my time spent on Facebook. Sometimes I feel like I need to get away from things totally for a little while, like Jesus did from time to time, but I'm afraid that if I get out of life for a minute, I won't be able to get back in. Hmmm, that sounds like something that needs to be faced.

Facebook is a quasi-addiction for me, for whatever reason. I can tell, because I will spend time doing that and neglect more important parts of my life. That's a simple definition of an addiction. I don't want to let it go entirely because I think it's possible to use Facebook in a positive way, and it's kind of fun. And here's the rest of my reasoning:

I mentioned earlier that distractions can lead me down the road to relapse. The problem isn't what the distraction is, the problem is how I pay attention to it. One of the things that I try to impart to others in recovery is that anything can be a distraction. Many people come into recovery with nothing - we've lost it all. We begin with "I'm powerless over ______, and my life is unmanageable." Once we've surrendered to that, we can begin getting better. And as we recover, the things we've lost in life start coming back to us - our physical health, our mental/emotional health, friends, lovers, a job, a place to live, a vehicle, a drivers' license, etc. All of these can be distractions. A distraction isn't necessarily a bad thing; the dangerous thing about a distraction is, again, it can aid in my downfall by taking my attention away from what is most important - my recovery. A good job will do that to a lot of people. How many people have I known that once they get their job and apartment line up, they're done with the recovery community. And I don't know that every one of them relapsed, but I know for myself that in order to stay in recovery, I need to stay in recovery. 

How do I keep recovery at not only the center of my life, but the center of my being? Let me tell you what happens when I allow something to begin to take precedence over recovery - I don't get enough sleep. It doesn't matter what it is - Facebook, a job, a relationship, a shiny new car, whatever. When I lose sleep, getting up in the morning is really, really difficult, and so I revert to my old habit of getting up late, getting cleaned up enough to get out the door and go to work. In other words, I meet the world unprepared. An important practice in keeping my recovery first is starting the day in communion with my Higher Power, my Source, my top priority. Without my Higher Power, I don't exist. If I try to live life without my Higher Power, pretty soon my life won't exist. I have to get back in the habit of starting my day with God. However I do that, I have to do it. I cannot sustain what I have on my own steam.

Distractions are out there. Or maybe in here, not sure which. In any event, they are a part of life, and I don't want to can't stay sober and sane by avoiding life. That's why I drank! I wanted to escape! So, I suppose the answer is to, as part of my daily spiritual practice, ask Source to guide me in where I should be placing my attention and time today. When I let go and surrendered 20 months ago, I was given, day by day, a life that I love but I couldn't dream of. Nothing has changed; God provides, I just need to concern myself with what is mine to do today. So I go to God for my recovery and my sustenance.

Namaste,

Ken