What's Cooking Today?

My recovery is made up of many small actions and attitudes. It's not just about abstaining from drugs and alcohol, or taking my prescribed medication, though both of those are important. Abstaining from alcohol and taking my medication satisfies my doctor and my therapist, and, if I had one, my probation officer - but doing that and nothing else leaves me irritable, restless, and discontent. 

What brought this topic on is that I cooked a meal today. I cooked it the week before as well. It's a keto diet recipe, and I've been working on going full keto for the past couple of months. I keep relapsing back into carbs. But that's not the point. What is remarkable about cooking two meals in the past couple of weeks is that it's been about 10 years since I've done any real cooking. I've been a lazy eater, choosing to eat foods that don't take much prep. Or eating utensils.

So a couple of weeks ago when I cooked, and again today, I really enjoyed the cooking. And the eating. There is something quite creative about taking a bunch of ingredients, putting them together in a certain way, and cooking them that brings some satisfaction to me (I'm not really up to joy yet - satisfaction is about as good as it gets). And then there's the satisfaction of eating what I've cooked - nourishing my body, my mind, and even my soul by consummating a cooking experience.

I found tearing myself away from web sudoku in order to prepare my meal to be a little bit challenging. My girlfriend's presence helped me to unglue myself from from the computer and get into the kitchen and engage in a 'live' activity. I should've taken a video and posted it to YouTube! But it is true that of late it's been difficult for me to put down the passive activities like surfing the web and playing computer games, and get up and do something that engages body, mind, and soul.

I've been avoiding using the 'l' word, because I'm not lazy, and calling myself lazy is pejorative, unhelpful, and incorrect. The periods of engaging in no meaningful activity are symptoms of depression. For me it's mild. For others, it can be as severe as avoiding personal hygiene tasks, eating, or even getting out of bed. I've not come across a medicine that will make me get and stay motivated, so I must do those things that I really don't want to do - otherwise, it's likely that I will get to the point of not being able to get out of bed.

Many years ago, I listened to a person in long-term recovery from alcoholism describe recovery as a recipe - that it's like making a cake. There are necessary ingredients and important instructions to follow lest the cake turn out crappy. In other words, to avoid having a less-than-desirable recovery, I must include certain attitudes and actions in my recovery.

Some of the ingredients that for me make a nice, full, enjoyable recovery (life) include, but aren't limited to:

• Abstaining from alcohol and other mood altering substances;
• Taking my medication as prescribed and consulting my psychiatrist (and others) before making any changes;
• Preparing and eating healthy, nutritious food that is satisfying and adds to my mental health and overall well-being;
• Contact with others in recovery, or others who want recovery, both in support group meetings and outside of meetings;
• Engaging in physical activity that I find challenging that strengthens my body and mind and makes me feel good (exercise). For me it is yoga, some weightlifting, and aerobic exercise like walking and bicycling. I don't run because the last time I did, the police caught me anyway;
• Engaging in creative hobbies or even vocations that utilize my talents and skills - like cooking, writing, and music;
• Nurturing my spiritual life through prayer, meditation, reading, counting my blessings, and helping others - and there are many ways to help others;
• Exercising my brain through reading and learning - some subjects of my interest are the latest neuroscience developments in mental health as well as what works best for nourishing my body and my brain;
• Having an job that engages as many of my skills and gifts as possible.

I think that's a good recipe for my recovery. It's good to make this list, because I see all of the healthy choices I have available to me, and I see some of the areas that could use a little more paying attention to. I still have the teenager's mind of, "There's nothin' to do," yet when I make this list I see I have a whole bunch to do.

Recovery is about alleviating the outer symptoms of my conditions, but it's also about developing and strengthening those characteristics within me that make this existence not only bearable, but enjoyable and fruitful.

Namasté,

Ken

Create a Merry Christmas

I was poking around my blog to see if I posted anything on the last two Christmases, since I didn't really have an inspiration for anything to write for this Christmas. Apparently, I wasn't inspired the last two Christmases either, which isn't surprising. Christmas isn't my favorite holiday.

I think in one of the previous incarnations of this blog I wrote a Christmas piece. I won't try to re-create it; I'll tell it like it is today.

I'm working today and tomorrow. I set it up that way. Well, today's shift was scheduled; tomorrow's I volunteered for. I generally try to work the Christmas holidays, but not for extra money; I'm avoiding Christmas as much as possible while still participating. 

And as I got to thinking about that, I realized that my attitude is not in line with my vision for living. It happens; that's how I grow - set the bar a little higher, and move toward it, and set it higher again. So by avoiding Christmas, I'm not living in integrity. I'm pretty sneaky, because I'm still doing stuff with my girlfriend and her family, so when people ask me what I'm doing for Christmas, I've got something to say. If I were living in integrity, I'd say, "I'm avoiding it as much as possible," instead of using my alibi. Or, if I were living in integrity, I'd be embracing Christmas in my own way, because nowadays I try to be about embracing life rather than avoiding life.

Growing up, I acquired the habit of wishing things would never come. Things came anyway, so it wasn't a realistic wish. So then I learned how to avoid or escape, and lived that strategy for many, many years. I see today that avoid/escape isn't the best strategy for dealing with life, either, so I decided to put my big boy pants on and learn to embrace life. It's a slow process.

So, as far as Christmas goes, I already know what I don't like about it. What can I do to make it a holiday season for me? Here are some tips for me for next Christmas:

• Plan ahead! Start planning now, so I'm ready next year. Make a list.
• Lights - the part I really like about Christmas is lights. After Christmas, one can purchase Christmas lights at ridiculously low prices at places like Steins. Buy a lot of lights so I can make a brightly obnoxious display next Christmas.
• Handmade cards - I used to be a photographer - take pictures and make meaningful cards for certain people in my life, and remember - I don't have to send cards to everyone!
• Save up for a special Christmas donation to my favorite non-profit (NAMI Waukesha) or my second favorite non-profit (Lutheran Social Services).
• Think of and create gifts for my special friends.
• Spend time with those who might be having a less-than-merry Christmas.
• Spend more time with the special people in my life.

So, doing that would make Christmas meaningful and enjoyable to me, and today I'm not obligated to follow anyone else's idea of Christmas. I do believe in being a giving person all year round, and I can still set aside a special time to give more.

Merry Christmas, or whatever you're celebrating!

Namaste,

Ken

Creative Expression

I recently (about 2 minutes ago) saw a FB post talking about more artists coming forward to seek help for depression and some of the other maladies that seem attracted to creative types. I wrote this as a reply to the post: "I used to think that my creativity came from my darkness. After being relieved from some of the darkness, I recognize the Source as being much deeper. My creativity flourishes even better in the Light." With all of the deaths in the past few years of musicians and actors and such from addiction and or mental health issues, I'd say it's about time to banish the myth that drug use or alcohol use or mental disorders are nearly a requirement for creativity. 

It seems since forever that we've had artists and writers and musicians who, along with creating masterpieces still admired today, lived tragically troubled lives. To name a few, just off the top of my head: Vincent Van Gogh, Ludwig Von Beethoven, Edgar Allan Poe, Ernest Hemingway, John Belushi, Robin Williams, Janis Joplin, Freddie Prinze, Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain, Joe Walsh, Dr. John, Sylvia Plath...the list can go on and on and on. So, I think we almost come to expect that creative people often have something 'wrong' with them.

The creative mind is an open mind. Open minds are dangerous. Open minds think outside the box. Open minds see things that closed minds don't necessarily see - and someone who has the capacity to see great beauty also has the capacity to see incredible ugliness. Very often, I think, creative people will use substances to control the mind - to sort of close it up a little bit. However, in those with addiction, the substances can take over, closing off all creativity, and often killing the host. 

But what can happen is that the creative person who has an addiction or a mental health issue believes that the addiction or disorder is a necessary part of their creativity.  The creative person, when presented with an opportunity to recover, may feel s/he has to make a choice between physical life and their own true love, creativity. 

I think it is time to understand that creative brains do indeed fall outside the 'normal' range in so many ways, but the creative person's life doesn't have to end tragically for them to be creative. I think it's time to understand that a brain that falls outside the norms simply means that the person who possesses that brain has the challenge of finding healthy ways to harness their powerfully creative brain to use it in constructive, yet still creative ways.

I know many people in recovery from addiction and mental health conditions that were creative before they got so sick, and have chosen to be creative in their fields post-recovery. Personally, I have written more over the past four years than I have the previous 50. I understand today that I have a wide-open mind, and I no longer shame myself for it. I am learning how to live well with the mind I have, and to express what is inside of me in ways that are enriching for me and, hopefully, uplifting for others. I no longer live in the prison of my own mind; the walls are crumbling, and I get to see the beauty both within me and the beauty surrounding me. I am grateful today for that which makes me different, because I get to experience and enjoy life today in a way that is 'outside the box'.

I am grateful that I lived long enough to recognize that what I once thought were overwhelming burdens are actually wonderful gifts. Learning to master this thing between my ears is the challenge of a lifetime, but, again, well worth it.

Many blessings to you, and may your creative juices flow freely!

Namaste,

Ken