More on acceptance. Acceptance is such an important quality to have for recovery from probably any condition, but especially for recovery from a mental health condition (including addiction). Acceptance is a hard concept to define, to say exactly what it is. I can tell you what it looks like, and I can tell you what it doesn't look like. I can tell you when I am in acceptance and when I'm not. But I can't define it perfectly, and each person's path to acceptance looks different for each person.
I'm not depressed today (even though it's raining and winter is just around the corner). I'm not drinking alcohol or using other drugs today. So, how can I say I have the diseases of alcoholism and depression? My mind says, "I don't have a disease. I am perfectly healthy. My vital signs are perfect, my cholesterol is perfect, I've got no pain, there's no pus or discharge anywhere. I am disease free!" This is very true in this moment (other than the cold I have, but I wanted to use the statement above for an example), but if I allow this thinking to continue without qualifiers, I'll get sick again. If I don't add the statement, "because of all I'm doing to stay healthy," I'll get sick again. In other words, I'm in remission today from those things that have plagued me most of my life, and in order to stay in remission, there are certain things that I must do.
Many years ago, my 1st wife and I were looking into getting life insurance. We invited the insurance salesman into our home, and let him give his spiel. It turns out that, even though I was sober at that time, my life was not insurable by his company because I had been through treatment for alcoholism. I was outraged! I asked him, "You mean that if I were still drinking today and had not been through treatment, you could sell me a life insurance policy?" Yep.
Today I'm not outraged. Today I understand that my life expectancy is, well, to be honest, zero. I'm past it. If I take an honest look at my history, I cannot guarantee to anyone - my friends, my family, my employers, anyone - that I won't become self-destructive today to the point that I die. Of course, I can't guarantee that anybody won't pass away today; however, odds are better for me to go today than for a lot of people because, you see, I have this thing.
Now, I don't go charging into job interviews and first dates with this happy news. I don't preface every interaction I have with the warning, "Danger: if you get close to me and care for me or invest your time, money, and energy in me, I'm going to eventually disappoint and probably hurt you." I have a lot of hope today that the good things I'm doing for myself are going to keep me from becoming the Ken who dies from alcoholism or suicide. I'm about 95% certain today that if I do die today, it'll be from something else. That's kind of a crappy way to look at things, because it's not entirely optimistic. It is, however, realistic.
And I think that's a lot of what acceptance is for me today - the continuing knowledge that I'm on life support at this moment, and this life support consists of many things. If I stop doing something that I am doing for my recovery, I may start getting sick. And the really neat thing is I don't know what that something is. I don't know if there is a 'key' to my recovery. I prefer to think that it is a healthy mix of many things.
So, back to acceptance - I don't like saying, "I am an alcoholic," because today I'm not drinking alcoholically. I'm not drinking at all. I don't like saying, "I have depression," because today, I have none (I think). Very often I will tell peers that I am in recovery from alcoholism and mental illness. I'm functioning today, sober and relatively sanely, because I am currently doing the things I need to do to stay sober and sane. I'm not cured.
There's the joke about the doe that came staggering out of the woods, panting, her fur disheveled, and said, "Boy, that's the last time I do that for two bucks!" Chances are, if she liked any part of the experience, it's not the last time. My point being that with some things, I will never learn my lesson. Even though I have been severely beaten by alcohol, and my vast experience with it has been negative, I can't simply say, "I'm finished, and I'll never do that again." I have accepted that I will drink again, I'm bound and destined to drink again, unless I maintain a certain attitude (acceptance) and continue to practice a recovery lifestyle.
In other words, for me, acceptance is not permanent. Acceptance is something that is dynamic - ever changing depending upon what I'm doing or not doing, and what I'm inviting into my life. This is why it's difficult to define, and also difficult to come up with a specific formula to gain acceptance.
I do, however, know the basic ingredients of acceptance - self-honesty, humility, openmindedness, willingness, and surrender. I have to be able to take a realistic look at myself and my life; I have to be convinced that I can't think my way out of my situation, and that in and of myself, I am powerless to do anything about my situation; I have to understand that I need to do things that with which I'm not comfortable and to believe, at least a little, at first, that if I cooperate with the process, I'll be ok and things will get better.
And that's why recovery from mental health conditions is not easy. There's not one thing that needs to be done to recover, there are many things. I can't watch a Youtube video and figure out how it's done. Figuring out how it's done is a daily deal.
So, no matter if I call it a disease or anything else, I have this thing, and if I want to live happily and free, I must do certain other things. And that is acceptance. The good news is that pretty much everything I do, if not everything, to stay in recovery benefits me, makes my life rich and meaningful, and benefits others. So part of acceptance for me is continuing to do the things I do to stay in recovery and remain conscious on a daily basis of the things that are working in my life. It's a daily cycle, just like my drinking and my depression used to be. It's the other side of the coin, because I no longer fight myself or anything else; I accept, deal with, and overcome on a daily basis.
Namaste,
Ken
No comments:
Post a Comment