In my last post, I wrote a bit about building my own prison, and how, if I've constructed the walls that keep me from living a joyous and abundant life, then I also have the power to deconstruct those walls.
I've found that tearing down the walls is a stone-by-stone process. That's sort of bad news for a person who wants everything the moment I think it - in other words, NOW. The good news is that the process of tearing down the wall I've built is a process that makes me stronger the more I do it. Additionally, I don't have to do it alone, or by my own wits. I have lots of help. I only have to be willing.
I have been saving up money and looking for an apartment - a nicer place to live than where I'm living now. That's not a bad goal. It's a good goal. But, there were a couple of hitches that I was aware of, but thought that I could work my way around. Apparently not - it looks like I'll have to work my way through.
I've applied for a place I really like and can afford. I hadn't heard anything back from the apartment manager, and I left a message with them yesterday or the day before, asking about the status of my rental application.
The challenge for me in looking for a new place to live is my past - it's a little spotty in places. On paper, I don't look like someone who would necessarily make a desirable tenant. Or, to put it in a bit of a nicer way, there are other apartment hunters out there who are probably more desirable than I am. So, I have been concerned with that. It's been in the back of my mind, and sometimes the front, for a few weeks now.
This morning, I woke up with a resentment. That doesn't happen often, so I usually pay attention when it does. Resentments are poison for me. (Actually, they're poison for anyone, but for folks in substance abuse recovery, resentments are particularly potent poisons). It doesn't matter what or who the resentment is about. In that way, it's like alcohol - it doesn't matter if I'm drinking Chivas Regal or Night Train, it's all poison to me. The same with resentments - no matter who it's about, no matter if it's justified or not, or even real or not, a resentment is poison.
So anyway, I wake up with a resentment this morning toward a person whom I think is keeping me from my good (a nice place to live) by some actions they took several years ago. And this is what Source and wisdom point out to me:
(This is my Higher Power speaking): First of all, Ken that person's action was a reaction to your irresponsible actions, and it was perfectly justified. Second of all, you have not yet faced the consequences of your irresponsible actions. To blame someone else for anything that is going on in your life negates your Power of Choice, and makes you a victim. YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM! So don't play one. I understand you want a nicer place to live, and YOU understand that you can't have anything until you own it in your consciousness. So here's what you need to do:
1. Pray for the person you resent - bless them, forgive them, and release them. They have no influence on you today, other than what you come up with in your mind.
2. Have you noticed that the amount you have saved up for your apartment is the same amount of the consequences of your irresponsible actions? If you take your 'apartment' money and change it into 'restitution', your way will be made clear.
3. Speaking of resentment - have you noticed, too, that you hate where you're living now? That's a lot of negative energy you're sinking into a place you don't want to be. If you really want to move on, accept and bless where you're at, and make the best of it. You haven't been doing that lately, have you? If you did get a new place today, you'd f%$# it up with your shitty attitude, no matter how nice a place it might be. Your happiness is your business, and it's an inside job. Remember, when you allow Me to fix your insides, your outside will take care of itself. Isn't that the way it's been working this past year? So...
Do what you know in your heart to be right. Pay your restitution, and take care of the space where you're at. You might not move to another physical place right away, but the space that counts - the space in your heart and in your head - will be much more pleasant and comfortable than it has been.
And after I decided to do the right thing, the apartment manager called me and let me know my application was denied. I thanked her for getting back to me, and I knew in that moment what my course of action was to be.
So that's it. At least for this particular stone. I'm really very grateful, because until recently, every mess I've made has seemed impossible to rectify, so I've always sought ways to ignore or evade the consequences of my actions. This experience of being a responsible individual with integrity is still very new to me, so each time I step up to the plate rather than running away, it's a miracle to me. And I've learned, too, that my miracles are my miracles - nobody else in the world needs to give a darn but me.
Namaste,
Ken
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