How Long or How Many?

Something that bothers me from time to time is the habit of measuring sobriety or abstinence by time. Very often one hears, "I've got 90 days!" or "I've got a year!" I know people in recovery that haven't had a drink or a mood altering drug in over 40 years. Length of abstinence is important - it shows others that recovery is possible, and it shows a certain amount of character. 

I mentioned that I know people who have managed to remain abstinent for decades. A few of those people I would not want to be with in the same room - they're toxic. Length of sobriety is not the same as quality of sobriety (or quality of life); however, up until now, because I've never been able to string more than a couple of years of abstinence together, I haven't had much to say about it. I do now, because I understand recovery is about learning to live from the inside out.

Length of sobriety is important to people just starting out, and important to all the other people in the alcoholic's/addict's life. Length of sobriety is important to one's parole officer, boss, domestic partner, family, and any non-alcoholic/addict with whom I share my sobriety. But because the time away from mood-altering drugs is only a very small factor in how I'm really doing, it's not important to me.

Here is a short list of some things I ask myself about my recovery, and the questions, rather than starting with "How long," begin with "How many."

• How many opportunities have I taken to share my story with someone else contemplating sobriety?
• How many times have I admitted I was wrong?
• How many times have I told the truth when what I really wanted to do was cover up my actions or my embarrassment?
• How many times have I attended support groups to share recovery with others?
• How many times have I said, "I don't know," when I didn't know?
• How many times have I picked up someone else's litter without complaint?
• How many times have I done the right thing, even though it was harder and more scary than doing what first came to mind?
• How many times have I wanted to give up, but instead called someone, or prayed, or simply persevered?
• How many times have I set aside my wants to be of service?
• How many times have I paid an obligation before buying something I wanted?
• How many times have I taken constructive criticism without becoming angry or resentful?
• How many jobs have I had since I got sober? How many girlfriends/boyfriends? Cars? Apartments or rooms?
• How many times have I dared to travel the road less traveled?
• How many times have I spoken up about something important, even though it might make me unpopular?
• How many times did I do what my mentors suggested, even though I didn't believe it would work?
• How many times did I seek out people rather than isolate?
• How many times have I given someone the benefit of the doubt when I thought they had wronged me?
• How many times have I prayed for people I really can't stand?
• How many times have I attempted to make an honest connection with another human being?

And the list can actually go on and on and on. 

How long has it been since I had a drink of alcohol? 33 months and a couple of days, which is the longest stream of continuous sobriety I've experienced. That's great, wonderful, but the really miraculous part of that time is how many of those 'how many' questions I can answer positively. 

I've already gotten through all of the hard days in my life, and I've survived! So the hardest day of my sobriety, and the only one that matters to me, is today. If I apply what I've learned along this journey, it'll be a great day. If I don't, and just stay home and do nothing, who knows?

Namasté, 

Ken

Living an Inspired Life

When I began writing this blog (all three times), my sole intention was to journal for myself. That still is my sole intention; even if nobody else reads this, I get something out of writing it. When I started it around 4 years ago, one other person knew of its existence. Then a few people knew, and then a few more. Now I think 6 or 7 know about it (real human beings, that is - unfortunately, bots are aware of it, too. Bots are like the mosquitoes of cyberspace). Lately I've had the urge to express a few things in my blog for anybody that might be reading this, and today I responded to a FB post that confirmed I should express these things, and it really boils down to this: today, I am the person I am because of a number of things: heredity, environment, my desires, my disorders, my experiences, my Higher Power, the absolutely wonderful people in my life, the things I've learned, and the effort I've put forth. 

There is a whole huge market out there for self-help and inspiration. I am grateful that I have a lot of hope and inspiration to give, but, lemme tell you, I'm like Robin Hood - I get it from those who got it and give it to those who need it. There's a line from an old (ooh, that hurts) movie called Paper Moon, in which Ryan O'Neal plays a grifter who finds some responsibility when he is given custody of his illegitimate daughter (played by Tatum O'Neal). Tatum becomes Ryan's moral compass, and at one point in the movie, they are arguing about some scam in which he's involved. Ryan says to her, "I got scruples, you know. Do you know what scruples are?" and she replies, "I may not know what they are, but I know if you got 'em, they used to belong to someone else!" I've always remembered that, and today it's one of the things that allows me at least enough humility to stay sane and sober.

The reason I mention it is this: I used to be the person who would read something inspirational - like a recovery story - and feel good about reading it, and want what that person had. And then I'd go back to doing whatever I was doing, so that nothing changed. Here's another one from someone else: Robert Bradshaw, who, in the 70's and 80's studied and wrote about toxic shame and relationships, said, "Most people would rather read about happiness rather than experience it." And it's true! I've read and read and read about great people, both famous and unknown, and listened to their stories and been inspired, and it's only been recently that I've begun to put into practice probably a sliver of what I've read and heard. A good case in point: I had a Christian upbringing, but I didn't really begin to study the words attributed to Jesus until 1993. When one studies, for themselves, the words of Jesus, one finds very useful teachings for living sanely in an insane world. But even after all that study, I didn't really begin to try to live what I had learned until a few years ago. Al Jolson said, "It takes 20 years to make an overnight success." I did not begin to experience success in any area of my life until I began to consistently apply the things I've learned through study and experience. 

I have several people in my life who are heroes to me. Some are presently living, some aren't. Something that I have in common with all of my heroes - we all came into this world helpless, naked, and crying. Because my heroes are or were  driven, either by an inside desire or outside circumstances, they all did or are doing something to make the world a better place. I have experienced great and profound unhappiness in much of my life, but I've also experienced humongous amounts of good. Presently the scale is tipped to the good side, for which I am extremely grateful. I experience miracles regularly nowadays, but the only thing that I can take credit for is consistently saying "yes" over the past couple of years to the life that's been presented to me rather than trying to avoid, escape, or simply read about it. I recognize that I sometimes am a hope and inspiration to others. That hope and inspiration I have received from many channels. But I have to pick it up and use it in order for it to do any good at all. 

In this blog I share my experience. My opinions creep in, as well, but it's not about my opinions; it's about what happens when I use the tools I've 'borrowed' along the way. It takes a little bit of time to be inspired, either through reading or listening to the stories of others; it takes a lifetime of consistent practice to become an inspiration. But we all have it within us! We all came into this world helpless, naked, and crying.

Namaste,

Ken

An Idea Whose Time Has Come

I used to have as low a level of self-esteem as I think one can have and still maintain life. When I realized what self-esteem was, and when I realized I lacked it, I went in search for it. [cue "Lookin' for Love in All the Wrong Places" (Mickey Gilley)].

I thought I had found it in a bottle. It didn't last. I thought I had found it in sex. Again, it wasn't real and it didn't last. I found it in new jobs, and it wore off along with the honeymoon period. I once had a hefty sum of money - didn't do it for me (maybe because the money wasn't mine?). I looked for it in prescription medication. I looked for it everywhere, including not drinking. I went to counseling - lots of it. I successfully completed parole - felt good, but the feeling didn't last. I love playing piano, but if that actually gave me self-esteem, I'd be practicing a lot more than I do. Same with writing. Same with education - 168 college credits, and debt I'm still paying today, with no degree, no self-esteem.

When I wasn't trying to gain self-esteem through the various methods listed above, I covered up my lack of it through false pride and arrogance. God, I used to know it all, and I let people know I knew it all too. The problem (or maybe the good thing) is that that, too, didn't work forever. 

Three years ago, when I ran my own business, I remember realizing, for the first time in my life, that I could support myself. I had the skills necessary to do that. It was really nice to realize that. I don't think I realized it deep enough at the time, or perhaps that was just a taste of what was to come.

When I began my recovery, I knew that I would have to be true to myself, and I knew that I had to learn how and then take responsibility for my life. Actually, I knew this stuff in my head a long time ago, but 2-1/2 years ago, I really knew it deep down - enough to begin to take action. So when I was discharged from Genesis House and got a room on my own, I endeavored to make my top priority (regarding my finances) my rent and paying back money to my friends and former customers. I began living within my means. After a relatively short time of living within my means, and starting to really take responsibility for this life, I began to notice a strange new feeling emerge. It was a good feeling, but it wasn't euphoria. It was kind of a motivating feeling, almost like pride, but not quite. I felt good about myself and the way I was living. I felt more 'solid'. I did not know what this feeling was, and at alumni group one evening at Genesis I reported this feeling and wondered if anybody could help me name it. The counselor said, "It's called self-esteem." Wow.

Self-esteem has it's levels - it's not an on/off thing - it fluctuates. But I've been noticing some things over the past year happening to through me that I didn't ask for specifically. I began valuing the people in my life, and people in general, a lot more than I used to. I began respecting my jobs - meaning that I came to work prepared, and I wasn't just there to put in my 8 hours. I began to become interested in ethics and boundaries, and began following them, even when I was tempted not to. Weird stuff like that. I used to be honest and ethical when it suited me, or when I had nothing better to do. Now I do it all the time the majority of the time.

In the process, somewhere along the line, I began to really value my gifts, and value myself as a human being. Again, it used to be that if I received a compliment for something I had done or for a particular trait, I passed it off. Either the person giving the compliment was crazy and didn't know what they were talking about, or I felt inside that I had fooled them, or maybe they were just being nice. Nothing that was ever said good about me was real. Now it it's becoming real. 

Today for work I went to a meeting in Janesville with others who are engaged in the kind of work we do at work. (That's actually less cumbersome than trying to explain the whole thing in detail). I gave a 30 minute presentation on "The Role of the Certified Peer Specialist [that's me 😊] in the PATH Program." It went well. But I came away from today really really feeling like I belong in what I'm doing. I did not feel fake, I did not feel arrogant, I did not feel untrue to myself. I felt that solid feeling inside that comes from doing what is mine to do, and knowing that I have inside of me what I need. More self-esteem. 

And since true self-esteem does not come from doing harm to others, or from trying to make myself big, it is lasting, and it increases. The more I operate from my True Self, the more I operate from my True Self. Make sense?

So today's topic/point is not self-esteem - self-esteem is the example. Today's topic is "Everything in my life (and creation) begins with a thought." However, since I've been writing a long time, I'll make this quick.

Decades ago, I realized I had no self-esteem, and thought to myself, "I gotta get me some of that shit." (I used to be a lot cruder). And I held onto that thought - I didn't let it go. At some level, it was always with me, and though I sought after self-esteem very unskillfully, I began to arrive there. When we have a deep desire for something, it gets fulfilled. That's the way the Universe works. We live in a 'Yes' Universe. After a while, hopefully, we become a bit better skilled at requesting things, and at receiving. Really, 30 years ago, I didn't even know what I was asking for. 

Another Truth of the Universe (and the Wizard of Oz) is that everything we seek is already within us. I was born with self-esteem, because when we're born, we know where we come from. I un-learned self-esteem pretty early on, and it was a long and circuitous journey to get back to even the outer borders of it. I feel like I've entered a new country.

Seek and ye shall find; knock, and the door shall be opened unto you [attributed to Jesus]. Doesn't necessarily mean today, but it's there. 

Enjoy the journey!

Namaste,

Ken

Becoming Better Organized - Part I

This is related to my last post. I recognize that if I want to succeed in my current vocational pursuits, I will have to become a little more focused, and a lot more organized. 

And I'm not sure if it's going to be 'more organized' or 'less spontaneous'. You see, as noted in an earlier post, one of the trademarks of those experiencing alcoholism and/or addiction is that we have our operating system reversed. So-called 'normal' people make most of their decisions based on intellect over emotion. Alcoholics and addicts get to the point in our lives where our emotions run the show. The way I feel is my top priority. That's not a skillful way to operate in life, and it takes daily practice to get back to the understanding that if I take the right actions, eventually my emotions will follow suit, and I'll get them under control. I got very used to controlling the way I feel by dabbling in chemicals or in certain behaviors (eating, shopping, etc.) that alter my mood. This makes my life unmanageable, and to turn that around I need to begin to take skillful actions no matter what my feelings are saying. So, that's really a lot of what I do each day - practice acknowledging what I'm feeling, and then practice doing the next right thing anyway.

There's also a part of me - a big part, admittedly - that fears organization. There's a part of me that prefers chaos over order. (Note: people who have grown up experiencing abuse have a tendency to become addicted to the physical 'excitement' that abuse creates, and when the abuse is gone, can go through a withdrawal). There is something exciting about sleeping until 1 hour before work starts and seeing if I can make it on time. There is something exciting about jamming my schedule so tight that if something unexpected happens, I'm going to be late or miss a commitment. There is something exciting about wondering if someone is going to be pissed at me because I'm running late or missing a commitment. And there is something exciting about going to the store and seeing if my card will be accepted because I really don't know how much is in my account. Yes, I like living on the edge!

And this is one of the reasons that recovery from addiction is so much more that removing the addictive substance from my life. The drug is only partially responsible for creating the un-manageability in my life - the rest of the un-manageability is created by deeply ingrained thought processes, and, if I don't work on transforming my thought processes into something that works for me, I will return to using the substance.

I do not want to say that I am disorganized - I'm not. Saying 'I am disorganized' is untrue, it's a cop-out, and it's making me my own victim. I am organized. If I were disorganized, I'd be starving, needing a shower, wearing stinky clothes (if I were wearing clothes at all), with no place to live, and no job to go to. My life is organized well enough to live at the level at which I'm living now. But I desire to be healthier, more useful, more purposeful, more prosperous. In order to move in the direction of my desires, I need to increase my level of organization.

Now, if I were to write a list of all the ways in which I could be better organized, I would be overwhelmed and just not do it. There's too much stuff! All areas of my life could stand some improvement! 

One of the areas of my life that seems to invite improvement is consistency. I know lots of good life practices. Tons. Practicing any of them consistently? Not so much. So perhaps I need to pick one or two things and start doing them consistently, and see what happens.

Here's where I'll admit something that is difficult for me to admit - I am not consistent with prayer and meditation. I pray daily, and I meditate daily, but I do it in different ways and at different times. Now, that's ok, and it's ok to pray and meditate whenever I get the chance. I don't need to stop doing that. But what's coming to me is that it would be helpful to have one set period of time each day to engage in reflection, prayer, and meditation. (This is not a new discovery folks).

So, what I am going to commit to, this one thing that I'm going to do to start down the road of becoming better organized, is to set aside a time each night that will be dedicated to quiet time with my Creator - prayer, meditation, and planning. Let's pick 10pm for starters (it's 10:14 right now, so I'm already late, but that's nothing new). The reason I'm picking night time is because my least productive time is when I wake up, and I happen to know, for myself, that how I go to bed heavily influences how I wake up. If I go to bed tired and pissed off, guess what? I wake up tired and pissed off. This might be why Jesus suggested not letting the sun go down on our anger - it makes for a crappy night's sleep, and when we wake up, we're still angry! Yesterday's problems today. Hmmph. Additionally, in the Hebrew tradition, the day actually starts at sunset, because, in the creation stories, the very first thing was darkness. And, if I start my day with prayer, meditation, planning, and 6-8 hours rest, it's bound to be a great day!

So there you have it. I'll start with that, and let you know how it goes.

I am grateful for the opportunity to think on paper, as it were - it's so much more helpful that swishing ideas around in my head.

Namaste,

Ken