$omething to Con$ider

If one were to describe my condition before recovery without using medical terminology, one could call it, "intense dissatisfaction and unhappiness with life and living." Through the years, I have tried so many things to make myself happy. I found things that give me pleasure (good feelings in the moment), but the pleasure wasn't lasting, and each time I tried, I needed more. One of my long-held beliefs of which I needed to let go before I could find any satisfaction with life is the belief that having money brings happiness, or one needs money in order to be happy. Happily, I discovered this is not true for me. 

I've watched movies, like 'Ocean's 11', that have to do with acquiring large amounts of cash. When I'd watch these movies and the scene would show a huge pile of cash, my stomach jumped - it was an actual physical craving, just like someone who is addicted to cocaine might get when seeing the scene with the huge mountain of cocaine in 'Scarface'. There have been times, lots of them, in my life when I've felt down and depressed, and receiving money instantly changed my mood, like a drink would. Money was one of my masters.

When I began the practice of living within my means, my attitude toward money changed, and I was able to release the belief that I needed money to enjoy life. Here is how that happened:

• My priorities were paying my rent and paying back money I owed to individuals. I wasn't making a lot of money, I rode my bike or the bus to work, and I was able to get food without buying it or stealing it.
• There were often things I wanted, or thought I needed, but I stuck to my priorities. This taught me a couple of important things:  When I postpone buying things, very often the urge to buy disappears, and I can get along very well on a lot less than I thought I could.
• By opening my mind to the possibility that life could be lived without a ton of money, I began to see all the ways in which the Universe supports me - no cash involved. This is very important: When my mindset is 'I can't have enough because I don't have enough money,' I don't have enough. When my mindset is 'Let's see how the Universe provides,' I begin to have enough.

The same thing happens in addiction: as we get further and further into our addiction, our field of vision narrows, and solutions to our problems begin to disappear, until the only solution to what's going on in our life is our substance. When we begin recovery, our field of vision begins to open up again, and we begin to find solutions to life's challenges in all sorts of things. Substitute money for addiction or substance, and it's the same thing.

So, financially, if I'm looking to money to solve my problems, I'm missing alternative solutions.

Money is great. It can do a whole lot of good. But when I look to money as THE answer, I'm in trouble. I think growing up in this society has taught me ideas that I needed to unlearn - things like, 'If I accumulate money, I'll be successful.' When I take an honest look around, I see this isn't so. I used to work for a company that kept promoting itself to its employees as a great place to work, based solely on the fact they made a lot of money. The truth is, it was a crappy place to work. That was the job that propelled me into self-employment. 

I have found it true that money doesn't buy prolonged happiness - like alcohol, I'll always need more. I'm releasing the programs (beliefs) that I've been given, and learning to look inside myself to find my purpose and my happiness. As a result, I've been able to donate a relative lot of money to organizations doing service work. I've been able to live on a portion of what I make, rather than having to always look for more. Money matters no longer make me fearful, because today I recognize money as one of the tools I use to live a rich life. It is no longer my master.

Namaste,

Ken  

More Than Enough

(Originally titled "Money Matters")

I was in court on December 27th to take care of a traffic ticket. I wasn't going to try to say that the deputy was wrong, that I didn't go before the light turned green; I surely did do that, right in front of one of Waukesha County's finest. I didn't go to court to get the fine reduced, or to make a payment plan. I simply wanted to see if I could get the charge amended to a no-point violation so that my insurance rates wouldn't go up. (This is a common practice - if one shows up for court, and hasn't been a real bad driver, the court will usually reduce the charge, but still gratefully accept your money). So I did the deal and paid my fine, grateful that I did get the charge reduced to 'improper signal', and grateful that I had the money to pay the $175.30 fine. What was unusual was that I didn't kick myself for wasting money on a fine. In years past, that's been the worst thing about traffic tickets - paying out money and getting nothing in return. 

I like to ponder when I experience an attitudinal change, because it doesn't happen all that often. I think part of not being angry that I shot $175 for nothing is that I've been working on being more accepting of me and my behavior and beating myself up less; but I think the bigger reason is that lately I've consistently felt like I have everything I need. 

I'm going to interject here and say "Nada me falta," which is
Spanish. It translates literally into 'nothing lacks me', and figuratively into 'I lack nothing or nothing is lacking in me.' It's from the Spanish version of the 23rd Psalm: "El Senor es mi Pastor; nada me falta." Our English version says, "The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want." Sometimes the Spanish version of things makes more sense to me, and in this case it certainly does. If the English version said, "The Lord is my Shepherd, I want for nothing," that would make more sense to me, because that is the belief that I've been cultivating within myself.

2017 was a phenomenal year for me as far as finances go. No, I didn't win the lottery, and nobody wealthy who likes me died. I went to work and lived within my means. So what's so phenomenal about that?

It's the 2nd full year that I've been able to live without financial assistance from friends, family, or friendly decedents - for the first time in my life. And two and a half years ago I believed I'd never work again and that I'd have to go on disability. 

I was thinking back to circa 2008 - at that time, I lived in a two-income household, was paying about the same rent I'm paying now, had received a small inheritance from my aunt, and I was making about $3 an hour more than I make now, and we still couldn't make ends meet. So what is the difference between then and now, or between two years ago and now?

The difference is that I began to live what I want to believe. I began to rely upon my Higher Power, even when I had no personal evidence that would assure me that it worked. I've known in my head for a long time that, being a child of God, or a child of the Universe, that all of my needs are already met. They can't not be. What kept me in a constant state of lack was the fear of the unknown - what would happen if I let go of my addictions and my unhealthy attitudes? Remember, from previous posts, that my addictions and my unhealthy attitudes served me very well at one time. They were my friends. They allowed me to get through situations that I thought I couldn't survive. The situations are long gone, but the addictions and attitudes survived. 

So I had to take this leap of faith. Of course, it wasn't that much of a leap of faith, for I had nothing to lose but my life, and I was already willing to do that. Often the most faithful people are also the most desperate. So I went against the grain in my head, and I began to rely upon and trust in my Higher Power. I took the Universe up on its deal, which is, simply this: I (the Universe) will take care of you if you let Me.

I began to live in this manner: So long as I keep moving forward and doing what's in front of me, I don't have to worry about having enough or about getting what I need. Of course, I had to lower my expectations on what I need to basic clothing, basic transportation, food, and a roof over my head. Along with that, I began to practice gratitude. And from this simple practice, my faith developed and strengthened, because I could see it working. 

I still have debt, but I've cleared away thousands of dollars in debt over the past two years. Most importantly to me, I don't owe any individuals any money. I still have between $40k and $80k in debt. It is made up of student loans and money I owe to counties for past treatments, and I'm working on that. (I'll note here that I have a $40k bill from 20 years ago that I'm ambivalent about paying. I probably will pay some day, just to be able to say that I did).  I have faith that if I continue as I am going, I will get my debt cleared up. The most important thing, though, is that debt does not weigh me down. I am not controlled by it, and neither are my feelings.

So, back to the top - what makes it ok for me today to throw away $175.30 on a traffic ticket? I know today, I live with the feeling today, that I have more than enough to do what I need to do today, even if I make a mistake. So, I'm not going to drive around with a devil-may-care attitude; but, I do know today that mistakes are allowed. My success is not contingent upon me living life perfectly, and that's a very good thing, because I don't live life perfectly. I do my best, and try to learn from my mistakes. So I have this feeling of security that comes from knowing that it's all good. 

I know today, too, that faith can grow infinitely - in other words, I'm going to encounter situations that will cause me to have to exercise my faith muscle and make it even stronger. I feel like I'm getting to a place in life where I look forward to challenges more than I dread them.

Namaste,

Ken

Wants and Needs

Back in October, I think - or maybe even earlier - I posted a picture of the big Cadillac that I encountered while riding in the MS 150 last August. I've had that picture on my desktop since then. That kind of car was, and still is, to some point, desirable to me.

Two months ago I posted on Facebook a picture of the car I actually purchased (the 2nd car - a 2004 Hyundai Elantra). I had been 22 months without a vehicle because I was (am) learning to live within my means. 

During those 22 months I learned a lot about myself. I learned that I'm not lazy, like I thought I was. I learned that I can be happy and fulfilled without lots of stuff. I learned that nobody but me really gives a shit whether or not I have a car or what kind it is. I learned the value of money - what it stands for, and what it doesn't stand for. I learned (and continue to learn) that each and every day I really am very well provided for. I learned about what I truly value, and I learned how tough I really am.

A living lesson I continually get is that I don't always get what I want, but I always get what I need. I think this car thing is a good example. The second day I was driving my new car, it was raining. I really dislike driving in the rain - I can't see well, I don't think other drivers see well, and it's just a scary experience. I was glad I was driving a Hyundai rather than a Cadillac.

In my Hyundai, I can make a U-turn in most streets.  Parking is a snap. The only drawback to parking is it looks like every other silver Asian vehicle in the world, and there are lots of those.

So I backed into a tree one night to give my car a little character and individuality - nothing major, I just dented the top of the trunk lid. After I heard the crunch, I got out and looked, said "Hmph," locked the door and went to bed. I don't think I would've felt the same way if I had backed the Cadillac into a tree.

Then there's mileage - when my clutch was bad and slipping a lot, I was getting 24 mpg. I don't think I could get that coasting with the engine off in the Cadillac. I anticipate getting better mileage now that I have a new clutch assembly installed.

There's this really weird human thing where getting the stuff I want gives me some sort of immediate pleasure that usually wears off pretty quickly, while getting and appreciating the stuff I need gives me a lower, but longer lasting hum. That's for another post.

I'm just very grateful that I do recognize I have all that I need, and I'm grateful for the 1/2 ounce of wisdom that allows me to appreciate its value.

Namaste,

Ken