The subject of stigma is dealt with often by people in recovery from mental health conditions and addiction/alcoholism. One of the bars to recovery is stigma; stigma keeps people from asking for help, or even admitting and accepting that they have a condition that needs attention. People can become afraid of the 'mental illness' label or the addict label to the point that they try to shove the condition under the rug. Mental illness and addiction don't go away, however, simply by ignoring the conditions. Eventually symptoms of the conditions arise, quite against the will of the person living with the condition.
When I entered into recovery from all my conditions four years ago, I wasn't concerned with who knew about my conditions - they had consumed me, so there was no pretense that I was not affected by alcoholism and major depressive disorder. Then I began working in the fields of addiction and mental health, so it still didn't matter; in fact, recovery became my identity (which isn't necessarily a bad thing). There was a problem with this, however, that I didn't realize until recently - I didn't have empathy with others who struggled with stigma. I wasn't experiencing stigma enough to really be able to relate and help others who were experiencing stigma.
That all changed once I got a job in the GP (general population). Suddenly I found myself surrounded by people who may or may not be sympathetic to my situation. Suddenly I found myself covering up and actually lying about my life when someone I work with was asking me questions about me. Suddenly I found myself being affected by stigma - it was causing me to behave in a manner contrary to my principles, which are about openness, honesty and authenticity. Suddenly I became empathetic with others who struggle with the same thing, and suddenly I felt a lot of admiration for those who are able to come out of the closet, so to speak, and damn the consequences.
I need to point out here that the stigma I'm experiencing so far is self-induced. I didn't walk into my new job and find people who don't understand mental illness and addiction - my stigma comes from my own fear and my own projections onto others about how they're going to think about me. So in a way, I can't empathize with those who have been discriminated against one way or another for having a mental health condition or an addiction; I can only empathize with those of us who walk around in fear about being discovered.
I've already gotten a dose of closed-mindedness from one person with whom I closely work regarding alcoholism - this person, through their voluntary sharing, has let me know they think alcoholism and addiction are a choice that can easily be managed by willpower whenever the person chooses to do so. This person has also shared with me much of their family history. Actually, they've volunteered a whole bunch of information that I think I could do without hearing.
Contrary to what I do in this blog, I don't walk around freely advertising my experience and thoughts regarding spirituality, mental health, and alcoholism. I would like to be open enough in real life to be a resource for those who may be affected by their own or someone else's mental health condition or addiction. I was fairly open in last GP job, and I was able to offer resources to my co-workers and create some bonding.
I've got a couple of choices. Since most folks at work don't advertise their conditions (almost everybody has something), I can choose to not talk about my mental health and substance use conditions and, when asked, say "I don't feel comfortable talking about this." The other choice would be, when asked, to be truthful about my experience, and let others feel about me the way they feel about me.
I'll choose the latter, for a couple of reasons: one, I can't go on lying about myself and expect to stay in recovery. Authenticity, though sometimes uncomfortable, is essential to my well-being. Two, stigma is battled by changing one mind at a time. My example of recovery coupled with my honesty can show someone that people with mental health conditions and/or substance use disorders do recover. As a bonus, I may be able to help someone else in a similar situation.
Eradicating stigma must start, I believe, with those of us who have been affected by a mental health condition, either from living with it or having an affected loved one. Part of my purpose, I suppose, is to help eradicate stigma (and not add to it) - otherwise, my experience in the trenches is for naught.
I will definitely be writing more about this as I am now committed to 'coming out' if and when the opportunity arises. I'll let you know what happens!
Namasté,
Ken
Sunday, April 7, 2019
Sunday, March 31, 2019
Am I Legitimate?
Yes, my parents were married when I was born. In the not-so-old days, if one's parents were not married by the time one was born, one was considered 'illegitimate' or a bastard, which meant one was not heir to one's father's estate or title. Curiously enough, I found the followiing in Wikipedia regarding illegitimacy: "In Scots law, the terminology of natural son or natural daughter has the same implications. The prefix "Fitz-" added to a surname (e.g., FitzRoy) sometimes denoted that the child's parents were not married at the time of birth." So you may legitimately say of your neighbor, "That bastard Fitzsimmons!" At any rate, legitimacy is not really an issue as much as it used to be, but there was a stigma to being born to a single mom.
When I was released from prison for the last time in 2002, I had no ID except for my prison ID, and I had no keys. When I was able to procure a legitimate Wisconsin ID, I felt more legitimate. This ID says legally who I am, and allows me to do things like buy liquor, gamble, and fly in an airplane. (Note that only one of those things is good for me to do). When I received the key to the apartment that the DOC (Department of Corrections) had provided for me, I felt more legitimate. The key meant that I had a place, that I wasn't homeless.
I write about this because I used to feel like I didn't belong most of the time. This feeling of not belonging is a symptom shared by many who live with alcoholism/addiction and depression and other mental illnesses. I've heard from many who share that early on, before the onset of their illness, they felt like they didn't belong. I felt foreign in my family, I felt foreign in kindergarten, I felt foreign growing up and into much of my adulthood, and I can still feel foreign, or what I call illegitimate, today.
You see, currently I'm homeless, but not really. I'm in a state of limbo. I don't have my own place to live, so I sleep at the shelter (the Salvation Army in Waukesha, which is the best shelter I've ever slept in, and I've experienced a number of shelters across the United States), but I'm not really homeless because I have the keys to my girlfriend's apartment (I'm here right now) and I have permission to come and go as I please (so long as I'm sober). I have a job to go to. I can vote in the upcoming election. I can drive a car (sort of - my license was suspended, and now it's valid, but it could be suspended again in the near future; it's complicated).
See all qualifiers in the preceding paragraph? Those are qualifiers to my current life; however, they aren't qualifiers to my existence, or to my legitimacy. I exist, therefore I am. My stance on humanity is that if I can see you, touch you, smell you, and feel you, and you look pretty much like a human being, you exist, and you are; therefore, you are legitimate. It doesn't matter if your parents are married, or if you have a place to stay, or if you have a job. If you are, you are a child of God, and you get treated that way.
However, I have a hard time sometimes applying that policy to myself. I want to feel, in a deep-down way, that I belong, that I am 'legit', no matter what - that I am because I am, and that is enough. Job or no job, girlfriend or no girlfriend, home or no home, swelling bank account or no account, I deserve to be here because I am here.
Did you know that as Children of God (or of Source or of the Universe or whatever works) that we are heirs to all that God or the Universe has? That we are intrinsically a part of the Universe, and nothing and nobody can take that away from us? We are because we are, and it can be no other way.
Yet the mind, or, more accurately, the ego, tells me I'm not, that I'm different, that I'm somehow less than if I don't have things like a job and a 'valid' place to live, a partner, nice clothes, etc. Even when I have those things, I can feel less than.
I think we're born knowing who we really are. I think we forget along the way, or we're taught differently. I think along the way we get taught conditional love, and get it confused with Unconditional Love.
When I was in prison, I had a couple of guys threaten my life. I stood up to them and told them to go ahead and try to kill me, because that's what you have to do in prison. Obviously they didn't. Nowadays the only guy I have to be wary of is me! I would like to get to the point where I don't make choices or take actions that are harmful to me. I don't even want the harmful thoughts.
That's it - it's fairly simple, really. I want to think and behave from a place of Unconditional Love toward myself and others. But since I learned one incident or one word at a time that I was unworthy, I must work back toward knowing who I really am one word and one action at a time, and I must be forgiving of my mistakes. I learned who I am from people who had no idea who they really were; now I must relearn from the Power greater than myself. Day in and day out, this must be my priority over all else - is my thinking and my behavior coming from a place of Unconditional Love, and if not, how do I move it into alignment with Unconditional Love?
It looks like I'll have enough things to keep me busy for a lifetime!
Namasté,
Ken
When I was released from prison for the last time in 2002, I had no ID except for my prison ID, and I had no keys. When I was able to procure a legitimate Wisconsin ID, I felt more legitimate. This ID says legally who I am, and allows me to do things like buy liquor, gamble, and fly in an airplane. (Note that only one of those things is good for me to do). When I received the key to the apartment that the DOC (Department of Corrections) had provided for me, I felt more legitimate. The key meant that I had a place, that I wasn't homeless.
I write about this because I used to feel like I didn't belong most of the time. This feeling of not belonging is a symptom shared by many who live with alcoholism/addiction and depression and other mental illnesses. I've heard from many who share that early on, before the onset of their illness, they felt like they didn't belong. I felt foreign in my family, I felt foreign in kindergarten, I felt foreign growing up and into much of my adulthood, and I can still feel foreign, or what I call illegitimate, today.
You see, currently I'm homeless, but not really. I'm in a state of limbo. I don't have my own place to live, so I sleep at the shelter (the Salvation Army in Waukesha, which is the best shelter I've ever slept in, and I've experienced a number of shelters across the United States), but I'm not really homeless because I have the keys to my girlfriend's apartment (I'm here right now) and I have permission to come and go as I please (so long as I'm sober). I have a job to go to. I can vote in the upcoming election. I can drive a car (sort of - my license was suspended, and now it's valid, but it could be suspended again in the near future; it's complicated).
See all qualifiers in the preceding paragraph? Those are qualifiers to my current life; however, they aren't qualifiers to my existence, or to my legitimacy. I exist, therefore I am. My stance on humanity is that if I can see you, touch you, smell you, and feel you, and you look pretty much like a human being, you exist, and you are; therefore, you are legitimate. It doesn't matter if your parents are married, or if you have a place to stay, or if you have a job. If you are, you are a child of God, and you get treated that way.
However, I have a hard time sometimes applying that policy to myself. I want to feel, in a deep-down way, that I belong, that I am 'legit', no matter what - that I am because I am, and that is enough. Job or no job, girlfriend or no girlfriend, home or no home, swelling bank account or no account, I deserve to be here because I am here.
Did you know that as Children of God (or of Source or of the Universe or whatever works) that we are heirs to all that God or the Universe has? That we are intrinsically a part of the Universe, and nothing and nobody can take that away from us? We are because we are, and it can be no other way.
Yet the mind, or, more accurately, the ego, tells me I'm not, that I'm different, that I'm somehow less than if I don't have things like a job and a 'valid' place to live, a partner, nice clothes, etc. Even when I have those things, I can feel less than.
I think we're born knowing who we really are. I think we forget along the way, or we're taught differently. I think along the way we get taught conditional love, and get it confused with Unconditional Love.
When I was in prison, I had a couple of guys threaten my life. I stood up to them and told them to go ahead and try to kill me, because that's what you have to do in prison. Obviously they didn't. Nowadays the only guy I have to be wary of is me! I would like to get to the point where I don't make choices or take actions that are harmful to me. I don't even want the harmful thoughts.
That's it - it's fairly simple, really. I want to think and behave from a place of Unconditional Love toward myself and others. But since I learned one incident or one word at a time that I was unworthy, I must work back toward knowing who I really am one word and one action at a time, and I must be forgiving of my mistakes. I learned who I am from people who had no idea who they really were; now I must relearn from the Power greater than myself. Day in and day out, this must be my priority over all else - is my thinking and my behavior coming from a place of Unconditional Love, and if not, how do I move it into alignment with Unconditional Love?
It looks like I'll have enough things to keep me busy for a lifetime!
Namasté,
Ken
Saturday, March 23, 2019
A New Chapter
"...I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."
- The Road Not Taken, Robert Frost
A blank page. That's what is in front of me, and that's good news, since I can write whatever I want to write on it. It's a difficult concept to grasp, however - the fact that each and every day we have the choice to create whatever kind of day we choose.
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."
- The Road Not Taken, Robert Frost
A blank page. That's what is in front of me, and that's good news, since I can write whatever I want to write on it. It's a difficult concept to grasp, however - the fact that each and every day we have the choice to create whatever kind of day we choose.
Humans, at least American humans, get so hell-bent on obtaining a false sense of security. Living free is scary, so let's find the proper mate, the proper job, the proper home, and the proper insurance policy so that we can live out our lives as absolutely comfortably as possible. Life, however, has a tendency to throw a wrench in our works - a diagnosis, a new invention that makes our profession obsolete, a tornado or hurricane, or any number of 'unforeseen circumstances' can turn our comfortable, secure, serene world upside down. What then?
Time for a new chapter.
I'm fortunate that no man-made or natural disaster can match the catastrophes I create for myself. I'm currently homeless again, and it's not that I didn't see that train coming down the tracks. I have been unable, since October, 2018, of bringing myself to securing a regular source of income (getting a job), so it was just a matter of time, and the time was March 10th. Fortunately, this homeless gig isn't a new thing for me, and I haven't lost all my material possessions. I do believe this homelessness will motivate me more toward getting another job (in other words, it's not the market, it's me). I've also got more people supporting me than I've ever had before, and that counts for a lot. There are many who experience homelessness without having any moral support to help them through it. I've been there, and that sucks. I've got people to turn to, and even ways to make make a little cash until I get 'back on my feet'. (Where am I now, on my ass?)
Besides graduating high school and getting married twice, I've yet to, in this lifetime, start new chapters without creating some sort of catastrophe. It's not that catastrophes bother me much anymore; however, now that I'm no longer going through life alone, my catastrophes affect the people who love and care for me, and that bothers me. So, it behooves me to get this worked out as quickly as I can so I'm not stressing out my loved ones. I'd like to learn how to start new chapters more gracefully.
When I look at life as a series of catastrophes, it is a series of catastrophes. When I look at life as an adventure, filled with situations that test what I'm made of and stretch my self-made boundaries, then that is what life becomes. Everything is how I look at it. Last night was my first night in the shelter, and I was surprised at how accepting I was. Because it's still kind of cold, the shelter is overflowing, and a dozen or so of us ended up sleeping on army cots next to each other in the open spaces. Not fun, but it was ok, and I was grateful to be indoors. It's still a good motivator for me to do what I can do to become a bit more stable. I'd love to retire, but I'm not at that age yet, so I guess I'll work for a few more years.
As far as the mental health and sobriety goes, that always will be a daily process, and that's where my blank page starts - what am I going to do today to enhance my recovery? For without my recovery, I've got nothing. I'd be on the streets.
So I will continue to post about what I find along the way as I make this journey. Until then...
Namasté,
Ken
Sunday, February 17, 2019
Do Not Ask For Whom The Bell Tolls
I found out today that a man I knew lost his life to his mental health condition. He passed away a week ago after threatening a police officer who was questioning him. He threatened him with a knife and the police officer shot him.
I feel a lot of sadness right now - I'm sad for the man who lost his life, and I'm sad for the police officer. I'm sad for the community, because the community lost a good man who made a bad choice in a moment of stress. I'm sad for me because that could have been me, or could be me some day.
Our community has one of the best trained Crisis Intervention police forces around. Crisis Intervention Training allows police officers alternatives to deadly force when confronting citizens who are experiencing a psychiatric crisis. This community is a safe community, yet we're not immune to tragedy. I was not there, so I do not know how it all went down; all I know is that an officer was threatened by a man with a knife, and the officer protected himself.
We're all presented with possibilities each day. Stuff happens. A police officer in our community went to talk with my friend regarding a legal issue, things got out of hand, and my friend lost his life. That quick.
It's a reminder. It's a reminder not to take my health or anyone else's mental health for granted. Depression, bipolar disorder, and schizophrenia all have their dark symptoms, and, more often than I'd like, the result is loss of life. One of the aspects of mental health conditions is that the symptoms of a mental health condition rarely affect only the sufferer - they affect the people close to the person living with the condition, and sometimes they affect the community. In this case, the community lost a much loved individual, and a police officer has to live with a death on his/her hands.
Please know that most often people with mental health conditions are not violent towards others, and that mental health conditions are treatable. It takes education and understanding as well as compassion.
I write this to bring awareness to whomever reads this about mental health conditions. They exist, and people live with them. Often, we are unaware that someone we know lives with a mental health condition - when we are in recovery, our symptoms don't show up in a way that is remarkable, so people may not know we are living with a life-threatening illness. Sometimes it's a surprise when someone we know begins behaving out of character or engages in self-destructive behavior. It is often scary.
I hope his death was not in vain. There is good that comes from every tragedy, and if a person suffering with a mental health condition can get appropriate treatment and live, then this gentleman's death was not in vain. But he will be missed for all he did for his community. Rest in peace.
Namasté,
Ken
I feel a lot of sadness right now - I'm sad for the man who lost his life, and I'm sad for the police officer. I'm sad for the community, because the community lost a good man who made a bad choice in a moment of stress. I'm sad for me because that could have been me, or could be me some day.
Our community has one of the best trained Crisis Intervention police forces around. Crisis Intervention Training allows police officers alternatives to deadly force when confronting citizens who are experiencing a psychiatric crisis. This community is a safe community, yet we're not immune to tragedy. I was not there, so I do not know how it all went down; all I know is that an officer was threatened by a man with a knife, and the officer protected himself.
We're all presented with possibilities each day. Stuff happens. A police officer in our community went to talk with my friend regarding a legal issue, things got out of hand, and my friend lost his life. That quick.
It's a reminder. It's a reminder not to take my health or anyone else's mental health for granted. Depression, bipolar disorder, and schizophrenia all have their dark symptoms, and, more often than I'd like, the result is loss of life. One of the aspects of mental health conditions is that the symptoms of a mental health condition rarely affect only the sufferer - they affect the people close to the person living with the condition, and sometimes they affect the community. In this case, the community lost a much loved individual, and a police officer has to live with a death on his/her hands.
Please know that most often people with mental health conditions are not violent towards others, and that mental health conditions are treatable. It takes education and understanding as well as compassion.
I write this to bring awareness to whomever reads this about mental health conditions. They exist, and people live with them. Often, we are unaware that someone we know lives with a mental health condition - when we are in recovery, our symptoms don't show up in a way that is remarkable, so people may not know we are living with a life-threatening illness. Sometimes it's a surprise when someone we know begins behaving out of character or engages in self-destructive behavior. It is often scary.
I hope his death was not in vain. There is good that comes from every tragedy, and if a person suffering with a mental health condition can get appropriate treatment and live, then this gentleman's death was not in vain. But he will be missed for all he did for his community. Rest in peace.
Namasté,
Ken
Saturday, February 2, 2019
Seeing the Beauty Again for the First Time
I think it's time again for a reminder that this blog is about my journey - my experience of coming to terms with my humanity while knowing that I am an infinite spiritual being. Because mental health and substance use disorder has been a major part of my life, these topics are the majority of what I write about. However, I want to note here that what I write about is my recovery and my journey - this isn't the gospel according to Ken; it's more like taking a look inside my head at the squirrels and other creatures that exist up there, and seeing if Ken can actually master this three ring circus. So, if something I write touches your heart or affects you positively, awesome! And if it doesn't, don't worry, it's ok, simply move on. But I appreciate all who read my blog, so thank you. Now, please enjoy today's topic:
Recently I've noticed an upswing in my enjoyment of life. One of the symptoms of depression is lack of interest in things I once enjoyed, or lack of interest in life in general. I was walking today in my back yard (Frame Park and the Riverwalk) and I took some pictures and noticed how pretty everything is. This is a phenomenon; usually winter time, with only a few exceptions, is a long, gray, yuck. Lately, it hasn't been, even with some atrocious weather.
I feel grangry - grateful and angry. And I'm experiencing cognitive dissonance, mainly because I think too much it's a challenge to accept the gifts I have without looking them over and scrupulously studying them.
I feel grateful for enjoying life again. I feel angry at myself, because I lived in the 'gray zone' for so long, even in recovery. I could have gone to any provider and said, "I'm still not enjoying life like I think I could." I did not do that. I toughed it out and tried to change things on my own, instead of going to my support system and saying, "Something isn't quite right." I allowed myself to stay too close to the bottom of the hill.
What's done is done, and I must accept it or suffer the consequences of regret and guilt. However, I can learn from this, I hope.
So what happened is that I surrendered to psychiatry. For those who are unaware, a psychiatrist is a medical doctor (in other words, has had the same pre-med and medical training that every other medical doctor has had) and the psychiatrist has chosen psychiatry as their specialty. Although during the past few months I've met 4 psychiatrists that I actually like, I, for the most part, do not like psychiatrists. Most aren't interested in listening, and most seem interested only in pushing the latest pharmaceutical, and 'f#@k you if it doesn't work for you' (sorry). So this time I have a psychiatrist who listens to me and who I can tell has an interest in helping me get better. He's also an addictionologist. A psychiatrist's role on the treatment team of a person with a mental health condition is mainly to prescribe medication for that person that will be one facet of helping to alleviate the symptoms that person is experiencing. My current doctor has prescribed well for me, and I am currently on 4 medications. I have noticed that I'm way more engaged with life and with people than I have been for a long time. So, what my doctor is doing is working.
And here is where the cognitive dissonance comes in - as I wrote in a recent post, The Challenge of Medication, I want to believe that I can enjoy this life without using pharmaceuticals. The addict in me, still alive and well, thinks that changing the way I feel with chemicals is just fine. I appease the addict in me by using a lot of natural supplements; some of them actually do stuff, and others are just placebos. So the medication is working and part of me isn't accepting that.
Many people responded to the previous post about medication, and some mentioned that they wouldn't be here today if it weren't for medication. Some mentioned that God has provided us with scientists and doctors so that we can live better lives. I believe that, yet I don't want to be dependent upon doctors and scientists and their medications. And that's my sticking point - I'm doing what I don't want to do and it's working. I'll look for a way of getting over it, or accepting what is.
Back to seeing the beauty - as a result of being able to see it again, and as a result of having a phone with a fairly nice camera, I've been able to really enjoy my surroundings and share it with others. I remember one time in the 90's, I was trying to escape myself by driving a stolen car cross-country. I was depressed and suicidal at the time. I went through Utah, and I knew in my head that the landscape was incredibly and stunningly beautiful, but I didn't feel it and I couldn't absorb it. Today I can feel and absorb the beauty around me, and when I'm doing it, it doesn't really matter how I'm doing it - whether it's the medication, or just me enjoying my surroundings. But life is a lot richer today, and I cannot deny the positive effect that proper medication is making in my life. Is it real? Everything I experience is real, so yes it is real. In the future, I may experience my surroundings in a different way, but it'll still be real. My prayer is my surroundings will be as beautiful or more beautiful than they are today.
Namasté,
Ken
Recently I've noticed an upswing in my enjoyment of life. One of the symptoms of depression is lack of interest in things I once enjoyed, or lack of interest in life in general. I was walking today in my back yard (Frame Park and the Riverwalk) and I took some pictures and noticed how pretty everything is. This is a phenomenon; usually winter time, with only a few exceptions, is a long, gray, yuck. Lately, it hasn't been, even with some atrocious weather.
I feel grangry - grateful and angry. And I'm experiencing cognitive dissonance, mainly because I think too much it's a challenge to accept the gifts I have without looking them over and scrupulously studying them.
I feel grateful for enjoying life again. I feel angry at myself, because I lived in the 'gray zone' for so long, even in recovery. I could have gone to any provider and said, "I'm still not enjoying life like I think I could." I did not do that. I toughed it out and tried to change things on my own, instead of going to my support system and saying, "Something isn't quite right." I allowed myself to stay too close to the bottom of the hill.
What's done is done, and I must accept it or suffer the consequences of regret and guilt. However, I can learn from this, I hope.
So what happened is that I surrendered to psychiatry. For those who are unaware, a psychiatrist is a medical doctor (in other words, has had the same pre-med and medical training that every other medical doctor has had) and the psychiatrist has chosen psychiatry as their specialty. Although during the past few months I've met 4 psychiatrists that I actually like, I, for the most part, do not like psychiatrists. Most aren't interested in listening, and most seem interested only in pushing the latest pharmaceutical, and 'f#@k you if it doesn't work for you' (sorry). So this time I have a psychiatrist who listens to me and who I can tell has an interest in helping me get better. He's also an addictionologist. A psychiatrist's role on the treatment team of a person with a mental health condition is mainly to prescribe medication for that person that will be one facet of helping to alleviate the symptoms that person is experiencing. My current doctor has prescribed well for me, and I am currently on 4 medications. I have noticed that I'm way more engaged with life and with people than I have been for a long time. So, what my doctor is doing is working.
And here is where the cognitive dissonance comes in - as I wrote in a recent post, The Challenge of Medication, I want to believe that I can enjoy this life without using pharmaceuticals. The addict in me, still alive and well, thinks that changing the way I feel with chemicals is just fine. I appease the addict in me by using a lot of natural supplements; some of them actually do stuff, and others are just placebos. So the medication is working and part of me isn't accepting that.
Many people responded to the previous post about medication, and some mentioned that they wouldn't be here today if it weren't for medication. Some mentioned that God has provided us with scientists and doctors so that we can live better lives. I believe that, yet I don't want to be dependent upon doctors and scientists and their medications. And that's my sticking point - I'm doing what I don't want to do and it's working. I'll look for a way of getting over it, or accepting what is.
Back to seeing the beauty - as a result of being able to see it again, and as a result of having a phone with a fairly nice camera, I've been able to really enjoy my surroundings and share it with others. I remember one time in the 90's, I was trying to escape myself by driving a stolen car cross-country. I was depressed and suicidal at the time. I went through Utah, and I knew in my head that the landscape was incredibly and stunningly beautiful, but I didn't feel it and I couldn't absorb it. Today I can feel and absorb the beauty around me, and when I'm doing it, it doesn't really matter how I'm doing it - whether it's the medication, or just me enjoying my surroundings. But life is a lot richer today, and I cannot deny the positive effect that proper medication is making in my life. Is it real? Everything I experience is real, so yes it is real. In the future, I may experience my surroundings in a different way, but it'll still be real. My prayer is my surroundings will be as beautiful or more beautiful than they are today.
Namasté,
Ken
Sunday, January 27, 2019
Miracles Happen
Two days ago I sold my car. On December 1st I earned a DUI, so my license is suspended until the case is determined, and I needed the money, so why not? I received $2400 cash. That's not the miracle - I probably could've gotten a bit more, as there were at least 40 hits on my FB ad. I wanted to have an auction! Here's where the miracle starts - I met with the first person who responded, and he bought the car. As it turns out he is in recovery from heroin addiction for 5 years, and we had a lot to talk about as we drove around Waukesha. (By the way, for anybody who cares, the accent on Waukesha is on the first syllable, not the second - it's WAU kee shaw). The miracle completes with what I didn't do. I had $2400 cash in hand, and what I would've done without a doubt some years ago is fly to Vegas and go on a killer bender. I did not do that. I put the money in the bank and wrote checks to people to whom I owe money. Miracles aren't always flashy.
Miracles are personal. We can observe someone else's miracle, but we can't experience it. I can observe a miraculous healing in someone else, but I don't get to experience it until the healing happens in me.
When I was a member of Unity Church of Christianity, I heard often that Jesus wasn't the exception, He was the example. Jesus discovered His oneness with God (Source) and His oneness with all of Creation - this is why He could seemingly manipulate circumstances and produce miracles. Some will tell you that Jesus didn't perform miracles - He simply saw what was possible in people, and people who had faith in Him responded accordingly.
Take the paralyzed fellow who was laying by the pool of Bethesda for 38 years waiting for someone to help him in while the waters were roiled. Jesus asked him if he'd like to be healed, and the man explained his situation, so Jesus said, "Not a problem!", and nudged the man with His foot so he rolled into the pool and he was healed! Sometimes we just need a little nudge! But what the Bible says happened (John 5:1-9) is that Jesus told him to take up his mat and walk, and the man did so - he was healed. Jesus had the ability to see past appearances, and know the Truth - that God is in us all, and all things are possible with God. The man at the pool had the miracle in him all along, he just needed a little nudge from someone in whom he had faith.
And that's what we need in recovery from mental illness and addiction - someone who believes in us and in whom we can believe. We don't recover by accident.
Miracles are extraordinary - outside of the ordinary - events. The person who lives after receiving a death sentence from their doctor. The homeless person who meets 'by chance' the right person on the street who sets him on the path to homefulness. The person who recovers from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body, and ends up staying sober for the rest of their life. The person whose life is destroyed by mental illness, finds ways to recover, and ends up with a better life than they had before. All of us in recovery have experienced a miracle - the unfortunate fact is that most people who become alcoholic will remain alcoholic until the end of their lives, so recovery is definitely an extraordinary event - a miracle. It doesn't mean that those who don't recover can't experience the miracle, it just means they haven't yet. All of us, when we develop the ability to look past or above appearances, can experience miracles. It takes faith, courage, and an open mind.
I am fortunate today. I believe things can be different. I believe I can be different. I have the faith, the courage, and the open, expectant mind to receive miracles in my life. I look past the mountain of debt; I look past my history; I look to the angels in my life, and I look forward to a clean, sane life filled with joy and purpose. And so it is! Thank you God!
Namasté,
Ken
Miracles are personal. We can observe someone else's miracle, but we can't experience it. I can observe a miraculous healing in someone else, but I don't get to experience it until the healing happens in me.
When I was a member of Unity Church of Christianity, I heard often that Jesus wasn't the exception, He was the example. Jesus discovered His oneness with God (Source) and His oneness with all of Creation - this is why He could seemingly manipulate circumstances and produce miracles. Some will tell you that Jesus didn't perform miracles - He simply saw what was possible in people, and people who had faith in Him responded accordingly.
Take the paralyzed fellow who was laying by the pool of Bethesda for 38 years waiting for someone to help him in while the waters were roiled. Jesus asked him if he'd like to be healed, and the man explained his situation, so Jesus said, "Not a problem!", and nudged the man with His foot so he rolled into the pool and he was healed! Sometimes we just need a little nudge! But what the Bible says happened (John 5:1-9) is that Jesus told him to take up his mat and walk, and the man did so - he was healed. Jesus had the ability to see past appearances, and know the Truth - that God is in us all, and all things are possible with God. The man at the pool had the miracle in him all along, he just needed a little nudge from someone in whom he had faith.
And that's what we need in recovery from mental illness and addiction - someone who believes in us and in whom we can believe. We don't recover by accident.
Miracles are extraordinary - outside of the ordinary - events. The person who lives after receiving a death sentence from their doctor. The homeless person who meets 'by chance' the right person on the street who sets him on the path to homefulness. The person who recovers from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body, and ends up staying sober for the rest of their life. The person whose life is destroyed by mental illness, finds ways to recover, and ends up with a better life than they had before. All of us in recovery have experienced a miracle - the unfortunate fact is that most people who become alcoholic will remain alcoholic until the end of their lives, so recovery is definitely an extraordinary event - a miracle. It doesn't mean that those who don't recover can't experience the miracle, it just means they haven't yet. All of us, when we develop the ability to look past or above appearances, can experience miracles. It takes faith, courage, and an open mind.
I am fortunate today. I believe things can be different. I believe I can be different. I have the faith, the courage, and the open, expectant mind to receive miracles in my life. I look past the mountain of debt; I look past my history; I look to the angels in my life, and I look forward to a clean, sane life filled with joy and purpose. And so it is! Thank you God!
Namasté,
Ken
Monday, January 21, 2019
The Challenge of Self-Care
In my last post, The Challenge of Medication, I discussed issues surrounding taking prescribed pharmaceutical medication. A few people sent me comments, letting me know how much medication has helped in their lives for their medical conditions, and the consensus is that the Universe has provided us with many options for treating what ails us. I'm not going to counter that, because it is true.
Again, the reason I'm linking this post, The Challenge of Self-Care, with The Challenge of Medication is twofold: taking prescribed medication is part of self-care, and, as I mentioned in the last post, medication is more effective for any health condition when combined with other healthy living habits (self-care).
Self-care is just what it sounds like - taking care of ourselves. It is taking care of ourselves physically, mentally/emotionally, and spiritually. It is making sure that we are as fit as possible in all those areas. Books can be and have been written on taking care of ourselves; in this post, I'm going to write a little about what it looks like and write a little about my own challenges with practicing self-care.
Physically, self-care is doing things to optimize our physical health. Basically, it includes diet, exercise, and sleep; however, it may also include changing our habits if we use tobacco, alcohol and/or other drugs, if we're overweight or underweight, if we have medical conditions such as heart disease or diabetes, if we get stressed out at work, or overwork, or if we get too little or too much sleep. Self-care is individual, and if a person wants to pay more attention to their self-care, honest self-appraisal is necessary.
Physical self-care also includes a person's living and working environments. Having a home that is neat and clean is a lot more enjoyable and healthy than living in clutter and/or filth. A person may feel they live in a neighborhood that is not conducive to good health - there may be crime, or it may be near a factory that gives off constant noise. Some people love living in the city, while others prefer a more bucolic setting. The same things go with the work environment - do I enjoy going into work, or do I dread going into work?
Mentally and emotionally self-care looks like adding things to our lives that enrich our minds and give us emotional balance while letting go of things and people that detract from our mental/emotional health. There is a wide range of things someone can do to improve their mental and emotional health. Someone may want to learn more, or learn something new, so they enroll in school. Someone may find they spend more time on the internet than they'd like, so they look for ways to decrease their amount of screen time. Another person may feel that they have some toxic relationships, and would like to let those go and possibly find more enriching and supportive relationships.
Spiritually, self-care is about having a sense of purpose and/or connection. Again, this is a very individual thing. Do I feel like my life has meaning, or am I just going through the motions, trying to get through each day the best that I can until I die? Do I feel connected, either to my friends and/or family, my community, the world, or the Universe? Do I have values that guide my actions, and do I know what my beliefs are? If someone were to ask me what was most important in my life, would I be able to tell them without hesitation? Some people use organized religion as a part of their spiritual self-care; others of us prefer to walk a more solitary path, and yet others do not recognize religion or spirituality at all. However, I hope it would be rare to find a person who has no connection to others, or has no guiding purpose. Spirituality is about those things, connections, values, beliefs, and purpose, that we can't see, touch, smell, etc. It's about the bonds we create in our lives and the things we do that contribute to our own peace and the happiness of those around us.
After reading the preceding four paragraphs, one might rightfully come to the conclusion that self-care is a bit more than turning off the TV at a reasonable time or cutting red meat out of our diets; for me, it's about examining how I'm living and thinking and deciding what I'd like to change, and what I can change, in each of those areas listed above. Self-care is also dynamic - as we grow and age, our needs change. The way we live at 20 years old probably doesn't fit too well when we're 50 years old!
As promised, here are my challenges surrounding self-care (and maybe some of your challenges, too!):
1. I haven't, through the years, developed a firm sense of purpose for myself. It's firming up lately, but my life has been a cycle of depression, drinking, recovery, depression, drinking, recovery for so long that I never really got to the business of living.
2. People pleasing - I've gotten a lot better regarding this, but most of my life has been about seeking the approval of others. This has given me the habit of you first, me last. That might seem very selfless and admirable, but it's not. Because I don't take care of myself very well, I'm not really giving you my best. If I can reverse that and say, "Me first, you next," then you're going to get a lot more good stuff from me.
We live in a society where self-sacrifice is admirable. If we can put in 60 hours at work, that often looks better than if we find ways to become more efficient and do 60 hours worth of work in 40 hours (or less!). We constantly need more money and more time so we can buy bigger houses and newer cars, all in the name of 'providing for our families'. Perhaps what our families really need is a little more time and attention from us, not our paychecks.
3. My own fear of success. Crappy though it is, I've actually gotten used to the cycle of failure that I've been living. I understand at an intellectual level that I'm not living up to my potential, that I could be putting a lot more into this lifetime if I were to ramp up my self-care habits, especially in the spiritual area; however, success is unfamiliar to me and scary. I'm pretty sure that I cannot consistently grow to my potential until I find a mentor who has what I want and can guide me. I can also use a lot more willingness on my part.
4. My lack of self-esteem. This is getting better - self-esteem builds on self-esteem, but again, progress is slow, and seemingly fragile. I'd like to think that I take setbacks, like losing my jobs, in stride, but, pretty obviously, I don't. But lack of self-esteem generates an 'I don't care' attitude, to where I don't necessarily care if my health is shitty or I live in a pigsty, so long as I do #2 above and make sure that I appear to be living ok.
So that's a lot of stuff in one blog post, but I felt compelled to write about where I'm at with the self-care stuff. Right now I'm trying to behave as if my life matters and I know it. My hope is that soon it will be very genuine and from the heart. I'm trying.
Namasté,
Ken
Again, the reason I'm linking this post, The Challenge of Self-Care, with The Challenge of Medication is twofold: taking prescribed medication is part of self-care, and, as I mentioned in the last post, medication is more effective for any health condition when combined with other healthy living habits (self-care).
Self-care is just what it sounds like - taking care of ourselves. It is taking care of ourselves physically, mentally/emotionally, and spiritually. It is making sure that we are as fit as possible in all those areas. Books can be and have been written on taking care of ourselves; in this post, I'm going to write a little about what it looks like and write a little about my own challenges with practicing self-care.
Physically, self-care is doing things to optimize our physical health. Basically, it includes diet, exercise, and sleep; however, it may also include changing our habits if we use tobacco, alcohol and/or other drugs, if we're overweight or underweight, if we have medical conditions such as heart disease or diabetes, if we get stressed out at work, or overwork, or if we get too little or too much sleep. Self-care is individual, and if a person wants to pay more attention to their self-care, honest self-appraisal is necessary.
Physical self-care also includes a person's living and working environments. Having a home that is neat and clean is a lot more enjoyable and healthy than living in clutter and/or filth. A person may feel they live in a neighborhood that is not conducive to good health - there may be crime, or it may be near a factory that gives off constant noise. Some people love living in the city, while others prefer a more bucolic setting. The same things go with the work environment - do I enjoy going into work, or do I dread going into work?
Mentally and emotionally self-care looks like adding things to our lives that enrich our minds and give us emotional balance while letting go of things and people that detract from our mental/emotional health. There is a wide range of things someone can do to improve their mental and emotional health. Someone may want to learn more, or learn something new, so they enroll in school. Someone may find they spend more time on the internet than they'd like, so they look for ways to decrease their amount of screen time. Another person may feel that they have some toxic relationships, and would like to let those go and possibly find more enriching and supportive relationships.
Spiritually, self-care is about having a sense of purpose and/or connection. Again, this is a very individual thing. Do I feel like my life has meaning, or am I just going through the motions, trying to get through each day the best that I can until I die? Do I feel connected, either to my friends and/or family, my community, the world, or the Universe? Do I have values that guide my actions, and do I know what my beliefs are? If someone were to ask me what was most important in my life, would I be able to tell them without hesitation? Some people use organized religion as a part of their spiritual self-care; others of us prefer to walk a more solitary path, and yet others do not recognize religion or spirituality at all. However, I hope it would be rare to find a person who has no connection to others, or has no guiding purpose. Spirituality is about those things, connections, values, beliefs, and purpose, that we can't see, touch, smell, etc. It's about the bonds we create in our lives and the things we do that contribute to our own peace and the happiness of those around us.
After reading the preceding four paragraphs, one might rightfully come to the conclusion that self-care is a bit more than turning off the TV at a reasonable time or cutting red meat out of our diets; for me, it's about examining how I'm living and thinking and deciding what I'd like to change, and what I can change, in each of those areas listed above. Self-care is also dynamic - as we grow and age, our needs change. The way we live at 20 years old probably doesn't fit too well when we're 50 years old!
As promised, here are my challenges surrounding self-care (and maybe some of your challenges, too!):
1. I haven't, through the years, developed a firm sense of purpose for myself. It's firming up lately, but my life has been a cycle of depression, drinking, recovery, depression, drinking, recovery for so long that I never really got to the business of living.
2. People pleasing - I've gotten a lot better regarding this, but most of my life has been about seeking the approval of others. This has given me the habit of you first, me last. That might seem very selfless and admirable, but it's not. Because I don't take care of myself very well, I'm not really giving you my best. If I can reverse that and say, "Me first, you next," then you're going to get a lot more good stuff from me.
We live in a society where self-sacrifice is admirable. If we can put in 60 hours at work, that often looks better than if we find ways to become more efficient and do 60 hours worth of work in 40 hours (or less!). We constantly need more money and more time so we can buy bigger houses and newer cars, all in the name of 'providing for our families'. Perhaps what our families really need is a little more time and attention from us, not our paychecks.
3. My own fear of success. Crappy though it is, I've actually gotten used to the cycle of failure that I've been living. I understand at an intellectual level that I'm not living up to my potential, that I could be putting a lot more into this lifetime if I were to ramp up my self-care habits, especially in the spiritual area; however, success is unfamiliar to me and scary. I'm pretty sure that I cannot consistently grow to my potential until I find a mentor who has what I want and can guide me. I can also use a lot more willingness on my part.
4. My lack of self-esteem. This is getting better - self-esteem builds on self-esteem, but again, progress is slow, and seemingly fragile. I'd like to think that I take setbacks, like losing my jobs, in stride, but, pretty obviously, I don't. But lack of self-esteem generates an 'I don't care' attitude, to where I don't necessarily care if my health is shitty or I live in a pigsty, so long as I do #2 above and make sure that I appear to be living ok.
So that's a lot of stuff in one blog post, but I felt compelled to write about where I'm at with the self-care stuff. Right now I'm trying to behave as if my life matters and I know it. My hope is that soon it will be very genuine and from the heart. I'm trying.
Namasté,
Ken
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