One issue I hear a lot about from people newly in recovery is about trust - "When is my (partner, spouse, parent, child, boss) going to trust me again?" If we have experienced addiction, mental illness, or both, we have very often damaged the trust of those who are close to us and those who rely upon us. We may have stolen from others, lied to cover up our activities, or simply not shown up or been available when we were expected to be. We have broken promises and sometimes engaged in very bizarre, unexplainable, destructive, and anti-social behavior. We were unpredictable, or predictably unpredictable. Our loved ones and peers knew we could do better, but we didn't, and so they began to lose faith in us.
Most of us when beginning recovery have no desire to repeat the behaviors that got us into recovery in the first place. We don't want to use alcohol or drugs anymore, or at least we don't want to experience the trouble that their use brings. We don't want to have the symptoms of our mental illness inhibit our ability to be responsible and caring individuals. And we would like those around us to believe us. Yet it is difficult - after repeated lies, promises to do better, and even periods of recovery followed by more relapse and the same ol' stuff, the people who are closest to us will find it difficult to believe us and to be supportive. What can we do?
I believe that the first step in regaining the trust of anyone is to let go of any expectation that anyone will ever trust me again, and to let go of the need for others' trust. That allows me to do what I need to do, to do the right thing, without it being contingent on anyone believing I'm doing the right thing or not. For example - if due to my using or my illness, my attendance at work was unpredictable, I need to be willing to show up at work when I'm supposed to show up and perform to the best of my ability without expecting any accolades for doing the right thing. Personally, this is the best thing, because as far as accolades go, they're like alcohol to me, and if they start coming I can never get enough. However, if I am not expecting that I deserve or need them, when they do come, and they do, they are pleasant surprises for which I can be thankful.
Second, to regain the trust of those around me, I need to admit promptly when I'm wrong. This has been the biggest help to my relationship with those around me, especially at work. My routine used to be to try to cover up my mistakes. I lied. I blamed. I told the other person they were wrong. Now when I make a mistake, or say something stupid, I admit my error and apologize. Quick story - I did not discover how well this worked because I am virtuous - I discovered it because I didn't want to be responsible for killing anybody. I used to work for an outfit that manufactured control panels and units for high powered electrical stuff. If I made a mistake and whatever I was working on went out the door without anyone else discovering the mistake, there was the potential that down the road someone could be seriously injured or killed. So I got in the practice of letting people know when I screwed up. In turn, when a supervisor asked me about a mistake they discovered and I told them it wasn't mine, they believed me. I think this concept will fit any area of life, not just work.
Third, and probably most important in regaining the trust of those around me and creating a sustainable recovery, I must begin the process of trusting myself. We may not think about this much - I know I didn't, until somebody brought it up. I will write in the first person singular, but I'll bet many can relate: I continually had high aspirations for myself that I was unable to meet because of my illness and/or my substance abuse. I remember saying that I'd never go to jail. I actually did want to finish college. I did want to stay married for the rest of my life. I do want to keep this job. I do want to get up on time tomorrow. I do want to stay sober. I do want to stay sane. Each and every time I broke a promise to myself, each and every time I disappointed myself, I broke my contract with me - I broke my own word. Coming into recovery there's no way I could say to myself or anybody else that I'll never drink again or never get sick again, because I've said that to myself so many times and gone ahead and done it anyway. I did not come into recovery because, "Gosh durn it, I need to start living differently!" I came into recovery because it's the last stop before giving up entirely.
So, how do I begin to trust myself? I think there are a few guidelines I can follow for myself:
1. Watch what I say. Can I do what I say I'm going to do? Or am I just trying to please and appease others?
2. Set reasonable goals. If I plan on showing up somewhere on time, how will that happen? What resources do I need? Do I need to enlist the help of others? This applies, too, to any personal goals I might have. If I say to myself that I'm going to lose 20 pounds by next week, uhm, that's not going to happen. At least not in any way that is healthy and positive.
3. Live a day at a time. No matter what day it is, there's a lot going on. If I'd like to go back to school next year, what can I do today to make that a reality? If I want to have a car 6 months from now, what can I do today to make that happen?
4. Ask for help/be accountable. I'm not an island. I don't live in a vacuum, and everything I do affects somebody else, if only indirectly. So, it makes sense to have someone in my life to whom I go for sound advice/support, and someone with whom I share my plans with so I can be held accountable.
5. Begin to trust in Divine or Universal guidance. I live in a friendly supportive universe that is constantly conspiring for my highest good. (That's a bit of a turnaround from what my view use to be, so I'll say it again: I live in a friendly supportive universe that is constantly and continuously conspiring for my highest good.) The bottom line is that I'd be dead by now if this were not true. So, what does that mean to me? I don't have to manipulate, lie, or steal to receive all I need for today and beyond. I simply have to find the flow and go with it. When I encounter resistance, I can take a step back and see whether that resistance is coming from within or without, and find out what I need to do about it. Trusting that the best days of my life are ahead of me, I don't have to wheel and deal to make it so, and that eliminates just a whole bunch of un-trustworthy type thoughts and behavior right there.
6. Accept that I am human and admit when I make a mistake. And don't beat myself up for it. Mistakes are lessons. Mistakes are indicators that I have room to grow, which is a good thing. Mistakes are indicators that I need a higher power, which is a good thing. Mistakes can be used to help others, which is a good thing. Mistakes are indicators that I'm not better than nor worse than anybody else, and that's a good thing, too. I guess my mistakes are good!
Anyway, I certainly can't change anyone's view of me. What I can change is how I think, behave, and view myself, and how I view others. When I allow others their own opinions and concern myself only with how well I'm living up to my standards, and adjust my behavior accordingly, I'll begin to trust myself, and the trust of others will follow along.
Namaste,
Ken
No comments:
Post a Comment