I Have a Voice, Part Two

In order to stay in recovery, one of the things I must practice is releasing blame. I heard a speaker say recently, “Victims don’t stay sober.” And I can probably extrapolate from that that victims don’t maintain mental/emotional health, either. I don’t necessarily need to accept responsibility for everything that has happened to me; however, I do need to accept responsibility for my reactions and I do need to accept responsibility for my healing. Others may assist in my healing, pointing things out to me, holding my hand, and/or guiding the way, but in the end, I am the person responsible for my life. A big part of accepting responsibility is acknowledging and accepting those instances where my thinking and actions have been less than skillful, forgiving myself, and learning new, more skillful ways to think and act.

All that being said, I wanted to write down a couple of things I experienced while I was an elementary school student that I’ve never written down before, and almost never talked about. The first is what I remember from 1st grade: I remember standing in the corner in the front of the classroom with my back toward the class. I turned around to look at the class, and my 1st grade teacher said, very sternly, “Turn around. Nobody wants to see your face.” This is one of those things that some folks can use for humorous stories later in life. Not me. First, I do not remember to this day what I said or did that sent me into the corner. Second, as was my custom back then, I never talked about this incident – to anybody. Third, I believed what she said, and my thinking back then was that if somebody was pissed at me, they were pissed off for life. There was no forgiveness, or problem resolution or anything like that. Each ‘bad’ thing I did, each mistake I made, became another brick in my wall of self-hatred that separated me from you, God, and everybody else.

The second thing that impacted me greatly in elementary school involved the band. Starting in the 5th grade, we had the opportunity to begin to learn to play band instruments and take lessons. The instructor was on loan from the middle school. I was interested in learning to play the baritone. I am musically inclined, and had begun my piano studies some 3 years earlier. The band met before school started in the little library. Due to the low amount of regular attendees, the instructor began thinking about cutting out the band program at our school. I did not want to lose this opportunity, and I voiced (to somebody, I don't remember exactly who) that I really would like the band to continue. I remember a teacher, a Mrs. ____, telling me in no uncertain terms that whether or not the band existed was none of my business, and that I needed to learn to keep my opinions to myself. As I write this, I feel a great amount of sadness, hurt, and anger. Back then, I probably felt that too, but, per my M.O., I kept it to myself.

I use these examples to illustrate what I learned very early in life - #1, I needed to avoid pissing anybody off. #2, If I needed or wanted something, the thing to do was not to ask, but to somehow get what I wanted without you knowing I was getting what I wanted. Over the years, I honed my skills at being a devious little shit.

There have been lots of consequences from running my life this way, not the least of which has been spending 5 years of my life incarcerated in jail and prison. The deeper damage was that I never learned to express my true self in appropriate and healthy ways, and I stuffed a lot and I tried to drink and drug a lot away. I really am surprised to this day that I am as physically healthy as I am. I understand that stuffing our feelings and covering up who we are creates all sorts of stress-related disease processes in our body, and, so far, all I seem to have acquired is alcoholism and depression. I suppose that's enough.

Today I am learning a different way. I'm learning that, yes, there are some people who do want to see my face, despite the fact that sometimes I do and/or say stuff that is inappropriate. Today I'm learning that it is ok to be human, that the experience, though messy and fraught with trials and tribulations, is quite natural and normal and can sometimes be quite joyful. Today I'm learning that I was not created to cover up who I am, but to discover who I am and to share who I am (appropriately) with others. And I'm learning that it's ok for someone to be pissed off at what I say or do, that my responsibility is not to regulate anyone else's feelings, but to regulate my thoughts, feelings, and actions so that I am always endeavoring to express the best of that which I am capable. Today I'm learning to ask for what I need or want, and that it's ok to be told no. Today I'm learning that it is much better to be up front, that my desires aren't wrong, they are simply my desires.

It's a long process. This blog is part of that process. Sharing my story in person with others is part of the process. Openly and honestly interacting with others is part of the process. To this day, there's not a day that goes by that I don't hear the critical voice in my head telling me how stupid I am for speaking up or for taking risks. I don't think there's a medication to shut that voice up, but I think I'm teaching that voice bit by bit that I am safe and loved, and it is ok for me to have a voice and express who I am.

Namaste,

Ken