Thriving Through the Holidays

The holiday season is a stressful season for just about everybody. I think one would have to be comatose in a sensory deprivation tank to not be affected by the holiday season one way or another. For the person in recovery from addiction and/or mental health conditions, the holidays can be a particularly dangerous time. Because it is stressful, and because the symptoms of our disorders might have made past holidays worse, lots of us walk around already on edge and perhaps dreading upcoming events.

Here are some of the things I practice to make the holidays enjoyable:

Abstain from drinking/using or trying to escape

This almost goes without saying; however, many people feel stress so strongly that 'a little glass of wine' seems perfectly justified. However, we also know that a little glass of wine can turn into an argument, a drunk driving ticket, or even worse. Others of us try to escape by trying to ignore the holidays and isolating. This may be an ok coping mechanism, but for me, embracing this time of year makes me feel much better inside than trying to avoid it. I prepare some lines to say when offered that drink or drug: "I like the holidays better sober." "I'm allergic - whenever I drink (or use), I break out in handcuffs." "I'm driving the sleigh tonight." I also remember that under no circumstances am I required to justify what I  choose to abstain from putting in my own body.

Always remember that I'm not the only one who is stressed

That idiot driver on Bluemound Road who keeps creeping into my line while racing toward Brookfield Square has stuff on their mind, too. Be gentle and patient. It's not an easy time for anyone. And, along those lines,

Be extra kind to those who serve me this time of year

The servers who take my order, the retail clerks that check me out, anybody working this time of year is stressed out. Many people have to work extra hours, so they have the stress of working more, plus their own holiday celebrations, plus the stress that comes along with lots of people contact. It's not easy to maintain a pleasant demeanor when working for a million customers in a day, especially when the customers are often stressed and impatient.

Avoid ruining someone else's experience of the holidays

Everybody, and I mean everybody, has a different experience of the holidays. Personally, I believe I can do without them. I have my own views on the 'meaning of Christmas', but it's not necessary for me to foist my views on anybody else. I don't have to go along with everyone and everything, but neither do I have to make everyone conform with my view. For some people, this is their favorite time of year. For others, it isn't. And it's all ok.

Practicing gratitude

For me, gratitude is an appreciation of all that I've been given, and I've been given a lot! My life is abundant. I can show my appreciation for others by connecting with others this season and giving meaningful gifts from the heart - even if it's just taking a minute to let someone know that I appreciate their presence in my life.

Lower my expectations

Actually, for me, having zero expectations is best. When I take an attitude of, "Let's see what happens," life becomes more pleasant with less disappointment. So when I drive to Brookfield Square, I don't expect to park in front of the store I want to go to. When I'm shopping, I don't expect to be able to breeze in and out of the store in two minutes. 

Take care of myself by:

Adopt a service attitude

In any situation, when I go in with an attitude of 'how can I be of service here,' I usually have a pleasant experience. If I go in thinking, 'What am I going to get out of being here,' if I do actually get something, it probably won't be enough. I can control what I give; I can't control what's given me.

Supporting others

I go to more support groups, again with an attitude of service and giving. When I'm in giving mode, I don't feel lack; when I'm in receiving mode, I often feel lack. Also, when I go to more support groups, I generally feel pretty good about my situation. When I listen to others share what they're going through, I recognize that I'm pretty happy with my 'problems'.

Treating my body well

I make my health a priority. I get enough sleep. I endeavor to say 'no' when I've had enough food (always a challenge). I say 'no' to some commitments, and I try to avoid getting drained.

Taking time for connecting with my Higher Power

This is so important. When I quiet myself, and ask my Higher Power what is important, and how I should show up, I get strength and direction.

Rejecting guilt/staying in my integrity

I always give from the heart first; sometimes my wallet is involved, too. I don't give because someone else expects that I should. If I believe that desiring for someone that they have a prosperous and happy New Year is enough, then that's what I'm giving. I do not let others set my expectations for me. The bonus to this is that when I don't cave in to someone else's expectations, this gives freedom for others to do the same. Additionally, I do not overspend. There is absolutely no reason for me to rack up 3 months worth of debt to celebrate whatever I'm celebrating. That is, to me, insane, and I'm trying to step away a bit from insanity.

It can be very challenging to look out for ourselves during the holidays. We are inundated with ideas about the way the holidays 'should' (ooh, there's that dirty word) be celebrated. This can actually be a time for us to look into our hearts to see how we want to celebrate, and know that it is perfectly ok (just as it is perfectly ok for someone else to celebrate in the manner they choose).

So, to sum up, the holidays are an excellent opportunity for me to practice:

Compassion

Patience

Kindness

Loving service

Giving of myself

Living from the inside out

Peace

Joy

I wish for you a most joyous and healthy holiday season and a Happy and Prosperous New Year!

Namaste,

Ken

Holding on Loosely

I don't claim to know what's best for anybody, myself included. I do, however, often think I know what's best - I just try not to claim it because I know that I really don't know. That's my lame disclaimer.

As many of my 3 readers know, I've been taking stabs at recovery for over three decades. Perhaps the biggest obstacle to my long-term success has been my denial that in addition to alcoholism, I also live with what is called Major Depressive Disorder. However, my spiritual teachings and experience have led me to always look for the deeper meaning. What is beneath the alcoholism? What is beneath the depression? What is beneath the denial? For instance, many of us in recovery believe that alcoholism has very little to do with drinking alcohol, and very much to do with what was beneath our drinking - what causes us to value the use and effects of alcohol more than we value our family, our jobs, our possessions, our freedom, and, ultimately, our lives? Until we come to some understanding of causes and conditions, we can't really hope for long-term or contented sobriety. Yes, we have a physical allergy to alcohol; but if that were all we had, our problem would be solved by abstaining from alcohol. But it's not - we also have the mental obsession that, if left untreated, guarantees we will drink again.

I did not find the recovery I enjoy today until I was able to 'let go absolutely.' What that looked like at the time was really simply that I just stopped giving a rat's ass about how my life was going to turn out. I gave up. So I took what came my way as far as resources and help and I gave it my best shot. And I did not have any expectations that anything would work. This isn't to say that I believed it wouldn't work; I had simply released any expectations as to the outcome of my efforts.

And the result of this Method of Operation, if you will, is that I have a great life that I know I couldn't have planned.

I've written this before, but it bears repeating. I still have an ego; my decisions aren't as much informed by it as they used to be, but it's still there. And one of the traits of the ego, since egos are fear-based, is that it likes to know what's going on. It likes to plan, to insure its survival. Basically, my ego takes this particular lifetime way, way too seriously, because it doesn't believe in eternal life. My ego believes life is limited.

I, on the other hand, have begun to believe in unlimited, infinite life, and so I have a different view of this experience called 'My Life' than my ego has. And with my new view, I don't have to make sure everything will be ok and I'll be safe and protected. I already know that it is. Everything is already ok, no matter what the appearances are. And so my daily endeavor has gone from making sure Ken is ok (and all the things it takes to make that happen) to making sure that my consciousness stays in alignment with the Infinite. In some recovery programs, this is called knowing what God's will for me is today, and knowing that that is all I need to be concerned about.

I am very fortunate that I work with people in early recovery. What happens when I talk with these men is that simple stuff comes out of my mouth that they can use. This is what I heard come out of my mouth today, and it's a phrase that I believe encompasses the concept of holding on loosely: "I don't need to know today exactly where I'm going; I just need to make sure that I'm pointed in the right direction."

Here is a very concrete example of this concept: Say I want to go to California from here. I have a car, but I don't have GPS, I only have a compass. I know that California is generally WSW from here, and so I head out, in my car, going in a generally WSW destination. Because roads are the way they are, I know I won't be able to take a straight shot to California; however, if I head in that general direction overall, I'll arrive. And the bonus is that along the way I can enjoy the journey, because I haven't plotted out a specific path that I must take. Along the way I run into towns and rivers and mountains and prairies that I hadn't planned on visiting, but there they are! And my trip to California becomes an adventure, because I took it, I didn't plan it.

That's what I've been doing the past couple of years, and it seems to be working. Thanks for reading!

Namaste,

Ken

A Great Discovery

If I haven't done so already, in this post I will expose myself as being a little slow on the uptake...

I always like finding stuff that works for me. It's fun. It's useful. Discovery is a big part of recovery.

I'm enrolled this fall at WCTC to begin the journey of earning an associate degree in Human Services. Even though I've engaged in tons of post-secondary education, I haven't yet experienced what I'm about to experience. I'll be in the 'Blended Options' program, meaning the coursework will be mainly online done with the same group of people over the next two years. We'll meet once a week in person. 

It sounds like this endeavor will require lots of dedication and discipline - Yikes! So, I have experienced a great deal of anxiety over the past couple of weeks - can I do this? Can I not? (that doesn't make sense - of course I can't if I don't want to). As you may have already surmised, a lot of anxiety isn't the best thing for my mental health or my sobriety. But I've been trudging forward anyway, despite feeling like I want to escape.

Class has already started. It doesn't officially start until next week, but we've been doing preliminary assignments, which only added to my anxiety. I made the Great Discovery today as I completed the final preliminary assignment.

The final assignment was to write a 350 word blurb (a little short for an essay) about what I would need to do to prepare myself for this adventure. So, I took some time to sit down and write it out. Here's the Great Discovery: When I got done writing down what I would need to do to prepare myself for success, I realized that I had written a plan of action that will work and I realized that I will succeed. And my anxiety left, or at least turned into excitement.

So here's why this is such a great discovery and why it exposes me as not the sharpest tool in my father's shed: When I write with purpose, what comes out is better than what I am. It's as though I have my own little prophet inside of me. I've known for almost my whole life that excellent written communication is a gift of mine - perhaps my greatest gift in this lifetime. However, I've hardly used this gift for anything really useful. I've been using it more and more - this blog, I believe, is a big part of my recovery. Although I don't always live up to what I write, I know that I have it in me, because I know that what I am writing is the Truth (for me, at least). It comes from deep within me. So I know it's there. I can't claim to be a useless piece of shit if I've got this goldmine inside of me - I can only claim that some days I don't put on my little miner's hat and go mine the stuff.

So the gift is that if I have something that I want to do in my life and I don't know how I'm ever going to accomplish it, sit down and write it down.

There ya have it - it's there - use it!

Namaste,

Ken

Letting It Happen (Cooperation with the Universe)

I like things that work consistently and reliably. I have reliable transportation to work (my car, walking, or my bike), the electricity in my home is reliable, my paychecks get deposited consistently every 2 weeks. The law of inertia is reliable, which comes in handy when playing sports or throwing one's unreliable cell phone.

Spiritual principles, when practiced consistently, are reliable as well. One of them that I have used consistently for the past couple of years that works reliably for me is Letting. Michael Bernard Beckwith claims that our spiritual connection can be boiled down to Letting Go (of those things that don't serve us well) and Letting In (of Spirit).  The abundance and power of the Universe is available to us now, but I have to unlearn and let go of my beliefs that restrict that abundance, and learn how to let the power in. Perhaps better said, I need to learn how to get in the flow and go with it.

I have an interview today to see if I can be admitted into the Wisconsin Certified Peer Specialist training. I've been wanting to do this for about a year and a half. A peer specialist is a person who is in recovery from a mental health condition and/or a substance use disorder who is trained and certified to work with his/her peers - others who have mental health conditions. I've put in the footwork to get to today. I filled out the application a couple of weeks ago, and I was pleasantly surprised that I did it with ease (my history is that I loathe filling out applications. I still haven't filled out the initial application to work at NAMI, and I've been working here about 9 months). My application was accepted, and I got on the list to be interviewed. I was reviewing the list - there were 140 applicants, and they're doing 48 interviews over the next few days to fill 18 spots. And I started fretting a bit, wondering what I needed to do to get in. 

I don't need to do anything other than show up and be me. I've already done the footwork and preparation. There's nothing left to do but show up and see what happens. That's what Letting is - I do the footwork, and leave the results to the Universe (God). As I've mentioned in other posts, my concern is only with the process - how am I showing up - not the outcome. I am confident about today, but my expectations are still to 'see what happens'.

My ego tells me that I need to wheedle, cajole, and manipulate to get what I want. My higher self tells me that all that wheedling will do is destroy my peace of mind, and my peace of mind is a requirement for my sobriety and mental health. It seems like an easy choice, but sometimes, when I really want something, it's not an easy choice.

The prerequisite to this practice is to be willing to see if what I've been told is correct - that, despite appearances and any core beliefs I might currently hold, the Universe is always conspiring for my greatest good. I don't have to be a 'good' guy, I don't have to be an excellent prayer and meditator, I simply have to be a part of the Universe. And I don't have to believe this with 100% of my heart - 51% will do. (However, the more I believe, the better it works). 

So, I will go forth today to that interview, be the best me that I can be, and see what happens, and then go from there.

Namaste,

Ken

True Poverty

When I began working for NAMI-Waukesha, I was asked to be on the board of the Housing Action Coalition for Waukesha County. The by-laws of the board require that one of the members be someone who is currently experiencing homelessness or has recently experienced homelessness. I've experienced homelessness a few times in my life, the most recent being May - September 2015, right here in Waukesha. Thankfully, as I progress in my recovery, I move further away from homelessness. I'm not sure exactly what my role is on the HAC other than to add my perspective. Because of this, I was introduced to the CAC, the Community Action Coalition, which deals specifically with poverty. I'm not sure (and perhaps I should be) what the actual government definition of poverty is, but I believe it has to do with a certain level of income, underemployment, lack of adequate housing, or inability to survive without public assistance.

I no longer meet the government definition of poor. However, that doesn't mean that I'm not living in poverty.

Many years ago, because both my parents worked, I was in day-care (this is before day care was commonplace). The very kind Catholic lady that took care of me and some other children also helped out the sick and the poor. One of the ladies she helped was morbidly obese, but my caretaker said she was suffering from malnutrition. I asked how that was, and was told that she ate nothing but potato chips, and one can't get all the nutrition they need from potato chips. I know, I've tried!

So, is true poverty lack? Lack of money, lack of decent housing, nutrition, clothing, etc? Or are those things simply evidence of true poverty?

This is today what I believe poverty is - it is the idea that what I need today can't be got by me. True poverty is a state of consciousness. I'm going to give one more anecdote, and then list the elements of true poverty.

It is my understanding that there is a person living in the 'richest' suburb of Milwaukee who has a fear every day of becoming homeless. I can kind of relate - I live in some relatively low-rent housing (it's a nice place, though), so it's easy for me to maintain my housing status. I would imagine that if I 'owned' a 1/2 million or million-dollar home, that I might be a little more worried about making the monthly mortgage. But what does one really have if their consciousness surrounding property ownership causes only fear?

So here is my definition of True Poverty:
Rarely, if ever, feeling I have enough and am enough. The belief that if someone takes away my property, or if I lose it through some catastrophe, my life will be over. A feeling of disconnect with and distrust of those around me. The belief that there is always a 'them', and I always need to be on my guard. The belief that I always have to watch my back, or I'll get screwed. The belief that I alone am the source of all I am or all I have, or the belief that my good comes from any human made, temporary thing, including a job, government, or religion. The belief that my bank account and investment portfolio is an accurate measure of my true worth. The constant urge to always acquire more - that nagging emptiness inside that leads me to look for food, sex, money, goods, education, social status, and approval. It's the feeling that I am lacking in any way, no matter how much or little I have materially, what my job is, or who is or isn't my mate.

My definition of Prosperity is a lot less complicated: I know that the Universe (God, Source, the Lord, HP) is my Creator and therefore I am connected. I am whole. I am safe, I am loved, I am protected. I am provided all I need today physically, emotionally, spiritually, and my task is to open my eyes more and more each day to this reality. My other task is to give of myself as much as I possibly can to make room inside of me for more. Everything, absolutely everything in my life is an outpicturing of my inner life; it is the effect, not the cause. So when I feel lack in any area, I must turn within if I want lasting satisfaction.

To put it really simply, the first definition I gave is called fear, the second called Love. Today I choose to live life in Love.

Namaste,

Ken

Simplicity

In addition to having abstained from alcohol for over a year, I've also found that it has been over a year since I've felt compelled to engage in road rage. That's not a causal relationship; what it is is that my last vehicle took it's final dump in April, 2015, and I haven't replaced it with another motor vehicle. I now walk, ride my bicycle, ask for rides, or ride the bus. If I get road rage while riding the bus, then I've really got issues!
Here are the benefits I've experienced as a result of motor vehicle liberation (that's the positive way of saying 'I don't have a car'):
Increased serenity.
Reduced stress - I don't have the stress of trying to navigate my community's crazy traffic; I no longer worry when my next brake job is due every time I step on the brake; I don't have to worry about the weird noises coming from underneath the hood (I never really did - that's what car radios are made for); I don't have to worry about my vehicle breaking down; and I don't have to worry about how I'm going to fill the gas tank. Add to the list anything you want - insurance expenses, traffic tickets, depreciation, whatever.
Increased health - walking and riding my bike is healthy! And it's more enjoyable, which leads to reduced stress and increased serenity. And when I listen to my MP3 player on the bus, I can meditate or listen to motivational/inspirational messages on my ride in to work.
Money Savings - I haven't actually calculated the amount of money I haven't spent on gas, repairs, and insurance, but I'll bet it's a lot. The reason I haven't calculated that total is because I don't yet make enough money to spend on gas, repairs, and insurance. So, I'm avoiding the stress of figuring out where to get money to support a vehicle and, in turn, I'm reducing stress, increasing serenity, and benefiting my health!
Increased organizational skills - because I can't just hop in my car and go when an idea strikes me, I have to plan my trips to work, to the store, to recovery meetings, to just about everywhere. I have to say 'no' to some opportunities presented me. I have to ask for help sometimes. All of this keeps me more mindful of what I'm doing and where I'm going and what's important to me. If something important to me is happening in Appleton, I'll find a way there.
Smaller carbon footprint - I'm not contributing as much as I used to to world pollution and global warming. I don't really care that much, to be honest, but it is true.
Increased socialization/decreased isolation -  this could go either way, really - I could choose to use the excuse of not having a car to avoid interacting w/my fellow human beings, and I have done that a few times. Most of the time, however, I'll ask for a ride and spend time getting to know my chauffeur, and letting them get to know me.

So, for the past year I've experienced all of the above benefits and more. My brain likes to tell me that the more I do, the better off I am. My brain lies a lot. I used to spend a good chunk of each day in my vehicle, running here, going there, doing this and that. Much of it was unproductive and unnecessary. Much of it unnecessarily increased my stress, which in turn decreased my health and serenity. I would take on stuff which wasn't mine to take on, and I seriously complicated my life. I now know that the lifestyle I led contributed greatly to my relapse.

Now, as a responsible adult with a valid driver's license, I know that eventually I will have a car or a van again. I have more responsibilities in my life than I had a year ago, and having my own vehicle will facilitate the fulfillment of my responsibilities. I hope I remember when I do get a vehicle to use it mindfully, and to continue to use my other forms of transportation as well. Most of all I hope to always remember to keep my recovery and my serenity and my health as #1, and to remember that I do not need a motor vehicle to be happy, healthy, and sober.

Namaste,

Ken