So What's the Point?

Some years ago, an idea or a thought came to me that seemed to be the Truth, at least to my head, and it was this: What if when we pass on from this life, we're asked only one question, and it is this: "Did you appreciate the life you were given?"

I think this question came to me at that time because, no, I really didn't appreciate the life I was given. For the most part, I thought it sucked, and I didn't see the point of it all. I was unable to see all the good around me and in me. I was unable to appreciate anything, even the seemingly good things in my life.

To appreciate really means to add value to or to give value to something. I think that I'm just beginning to appreciate my life now. I'm beginning to recognize the value of my life. Where I first started noticing it was when I felt that others valued my life more than I did. When I began to accept that, I noticed that I began to value the lives of others more than I had previously. And now I find myself valuing my life for itself.

Much, if not all, of what I value about my life revolves around my connection with others. I do stuff today that uplifts others. I shine light. I'm of real service. I let the healing stuff of the Universe work in me and through me, and I'm not ashamed to express that. I know what happens when I open up and let It flow. 

And I get this feeling inside like I've never experienced before - a feeling of wholeness and belonging and love and warmth. It's what I've wanted my entire life, and always looked for outside of myself, and never found. When I began looking inside, and sharing what I found in there, I began to be fulfilled. And I began to appreciate what I've been given in this life - the good, the bad, the ugly - it's all good. And I began to love myself not for what I've done, but for who I am - a beloved Child of the Universe, filled with all the goodness of the Universe. And I appreciate all the Universe creates in and through me today. 

So what's the point? To understand this journey I'm on just a little better, and to know deep down that, even after all the pain and heartache and disappointments, that it is worth it. There is great Joy to be found when I get past the fear and begin to mine the Soul to find out what's really there. And today I appreciate my life. I still think lots of stuff, but I no longer regret being born. I am grateful. I am grateful, and I feel privileged to be on this journey.

Namasté,

Ken

Recovery from Depression

Regarding my Facebook post about being in recovery for 3 years, a couple people asked me what I did to recover from depression. I know the answers a woven through this blog of mine, but I answered one person pretty concisely, and I was surprised at how involved recovery has been. Here are the steps I took/am taking to stay in recovery from depression:

1. Accept that I have a mental illness that I have no clue how to recover from.
2. Stop drinking.
3. Pray.
4. Begin trusting others to guide me.
5. Begin treatment.
6. Begin taking prescribed medication.
7. Improve my diet and try to alleviate possible nutritional deficiencies with supplements.
8. Begin going to mental health support groups (along with alcoholism recovery support groups).
9. Enter into therapy and learn CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). Apply these lessons to my life daily (hourly or second-by-second).
10. Develop a support network.
11. Be of service to others.
12. Share my story.
13. Drain the shame.
14. Take risks.
15. Exercise my body.
16. Do the things I love.
17. Learn to love myself, trust God, and trust others.
18. Reach out to those I don't even know.

Now, there's a few problems with this list. First of all, it's my list. I had to go out and discover what I need to to. Another person will have a different list, depending upon what that other person discovers they need to do. The second problem is that if you had given me this list 3 years ago, I would have done one of two things: I would have crumpled it up and thrown it away and given up, or I would've tried to do everything on the list in a week's time, failed, and given up. The third problem with this list is it's dynamic. I don't necessarily do all of those things every day, and I might add or subtract something tomorrow. The fourth problem I see is that it really leaves out a lot of stuff - stuff like getting out of bed when I don't want to get out of bed; talking to someone about feeling suicidal rather than toughing through it; accepting the good in my life, even if I feel I'm not up to it (that might fall under taking risks); plus, a lot more.

Probably a better answer to the question of "How do I or a loved one recover from depression" is: seek out every resource you can, choose what works best for you, and stick with it.

We live in a society of followers - we follow what the government says is good for us, what the pharmaceutical companies tell us is good for us, what doctors who have never recovered from anything tell us is good for us. I've had to put on the explorer hat and coat and find out for myself. There's a lot of good information and other stuff out there, but I had to seek it rather than waiting for it to come to me. I had to become the leader in my own life, and I had to make recovery my quest. It wouldn't have worked for me any other way.

I hope that answers your question!

Namasté,

Ken

The Power of Connection

Today I went to work, and I was blessed to hear an awesome recovery speaker. That's the way things happen for me of late - I suit up and show up and good things happen for me. Anyway, the man sharing his story really touched my heart in so many ways. You know, when we say 'touched my heart,' it's not just a figurative saying, it's literal. I could feel the effects of his sharing in my body, mainly in my chest. I get lots of stuff that goes in and out of my head all day long, but the things that really affect me, that are transformative, I feel. But as I'm listening to this guy, I realize that I'm on the clock - I'm getting paid to sit here and be uplifted. It doesn't get any better than this, and I haven't done anything other than suit up and show up.

Story telling is as old as humanity. People got together at the end of the day and shared their experiences with one another. That's how humans bond and feel connected - we have different experiences, yet we feel the same things - love, joy, fear, doubt, terror, humor, happiness, mystery, etc. 

Early on, I acquired the belief that it was better to live life alone - to not share my experiences or feelings with others. That sounds very lonely, but it's also very safe. Safety trumps connection. For me, however, being a hermit did not get my other needs met, so I learned to create the appearance of connecting with others. Basically, I learned how to act. I've spent much of my life acting as if I liked and trusted people and knew how to get along, when, in reality, I didn't. I trusted no one.

I do regret a little bit that I didn't have bigger cojones - all the times I had opportunities to look someone, someone who was trying to help me, in the eye and be honest and say to them, "You know what? I don't trust you. You know why? Because you're a human being, and human beings suck. If I put any trust whatsoever in you, you will hurt me, and that's not going to happen." I was way, way, way too nice and polite for my own damn good. In my own defense, I thought I was protecting myself, because to me, the threat was real. I was living the way I believed I had to live to survive.

So I managed to go through life acting as if I had friendships and relationships without ever really letting my guard down and letting people in. And every couple of years I would have a meltdown and become despondent and suicidal, surprising the people around me because I was such a good actor.

Five years ago, I understood that I would never be able to stay sober until I became authentic - until I let my guard down, allowed others to know the real me, and be vulnerable. That's a pretty tall undertaking for someone who didn't even know himself, and was pretty sure that himself wasn't someone anyone would want to be around anyway. I never liked me, why would anybody else? So I worked on knocking down the walls. I had one more relapse before I got to the point where I realized the job was too big for me alone.

I want to take a paragraph to interject about God and spirituality. Most of my life I've sought God, or Spirit, or Source, and, as I've mentioned in previous posts, I've got a pretty good radar for the Truth.  Somewhere inside I knew a relationship with God would 'fix' me. I thought if I could seal that relationship with God, I wouldn't have to worry about my relationship with others. My logic was a little fuzzy, now that I look at it, but I wanted the security and safety of having God in my life without the ickiness of having to get involved with the rest of His children. Some people may be able to do this; however, it doesn't seem to be my path.

So this last relapse, a little over 3 years ago, did it for me. Alcohol and depression had stripped me bare. It took me back to being the helpless, vulnerable 5 year old boy who was very afraid of living and had no idea what to do about it. I was exactly where I needed to be, and I surrendered - I stopped trying to cover up. I stopped trying to be the person who knew what he was doing. I just stopped. 

Perhaps the greatest blessing of my life is that I've always had great people in my life. Wherever I've been, from church to prison, from Ivory Towers to Skid Row, I've met the most giving, wise, compassionate, loving people a person could ever desire to meet. I've recognized this fact for a long time, but I failed to accept the gifts the Universe kept shoving in front of me - until 3 years ago. I began to say 'yes' to the kindness and compassion of those around me. I began to say 'yes' to the gifts that were laid at my feet - tentatively at first, sort of like an abused, starving dog will tentatively accept food from a kind stranger. After a bit of accepting the kindness and help from the good people in my life, I began to feel more secure. I began to feel safe. And I began to get better. I began to believe that I am a valuable person who is deserving of life and who has something to offer to others. And I discovered that that person was there all along, buried under a mountain of hurt and shit and shame. And I let others help me dig him out and clean him up. 

I've still got lots of healing to experience - I expect it to take the rest of my life. But along the way, I can help others find their way to healing. And I know that I can do that by fostering a connection with others. That's still very challenging for me. I don't get out of bed in the morning and say, "Oh wonderful! Another day of connection with the sick and injured of the world!" But I do know what is mine to do, and I willingly do it because I know I am supported in this endeavor by the Universe. I feel enough safety and security today to go out and share what I've been given.

Connection to others is what I rely upon to stay sober and sane today. Simply put, I couldn't connect with others because I was afraid and I could not trust. 

Connection is dropping the shields and letting another human being that I know what it's like to feel lost and alone, and to let that other person know that they're not as alone as they think they are, and that they are safe. It's about showing someone that it's ok and it's safe to be vulnerable, and that true Love doesn't hurt, it heals. And when I drop my shields and give my Love away, I get more Love back and I heal a little more. It's really a pretty good deal. 

Namasté

Ken

Prayer: An Inside Job

Prayer is an important part of my recovery, and an important part of recovery for a lot of people. I have learned that prayer doesn't change God's mind, it changes mine. Prayer is really about endeavoring to align my will with God's will for me. 

I don't write much about prayer - believe it or not, it's a little too personal for me to write much about publicly. Prayer comes from the deepest part of me, and the way I pray and the content of my prayers is unique to me. I know a lot of prayers from different faith traditions, and I'll usually run with one set of prayers for awhile, and then move on to another set, and so forth. Sometimes I really get into the Psalms from the Hebrew Bible, and then I'll ignore them for awhile.  I pray for others' highest good, and it aligns my thinking into looking for their highest good. For instance, say there is someone I know whom I don't hold in very high regard; if I pray for that person's highest good, it causes me to look for it in them, and that can help bring it out. If I don't, then that person just remains a schmuck in my mind, and I can't do anything for them.

One of my favorite prayers, and one I've recently been practicing lately, is the Prayer of St. Francis (of Assisi). It has special meaning for me because he had PTSD (my opinion). St. Francis, before he was a saint, fought in the Crusades. In the Crusades, he had some experiences that deeply affected him. When he returned from the Crusades, he went crazy and nearly killed himself. This is when he had a religious or spiritual experience that caused him to live the life of a monk. The Franciscan Order of the Catholic Church came out of his practices and his band of followers. His story is really interesting. Following is the prayer that is attributed to him:

Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace - 
that where there is hatred, I may sow love;
that where there is injury, I may sow pardon [forgiveness];
that where there is doubt, I may sow faith;
that where there is despair, I may sow hope;
that where there is darkness, I may shine light;
that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.

Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be comforted, as to comfort; to be understood, as to understand; to be loved, as to love;
For it is in self-forgetting that one finds, it is in forgiving that one is forgiven, and it is by dying to self that one awakens to eternal life. Amen

This is a wonderful prayer with which to start the day, because it prepares my mind to be a selfless healer, and it tells me what I need to be about today. But for the past couple of days I've prayed it and started crying, because I realized that I could also turn it inward. I can apply this prayer to those things which I still harbor inside that are injurious to me - remnants of shame and self-hatred, despair, doubt about who I Am, darkness, and sadness. I can use this prayer to help heal myself. 

I've been in recovery nearly three years, and it has just been the past couple of months that I've started to really enjoy living. In this post, "Why Even Bother?", which was written a little less than a year ago, I wrote about surviving without having an automatic joy for life and living. It's not that I've been unhappy this whole time and just been faking it; it is that I've had to put in a fair amount of conscious, consistent effort to stay at a level where I can function comfortably. So, I've been chugging along comfortably, but lately, I've noticed a feeling deeper inside where I'm really starting to like living for the sake of living. I feel like I could have a day where I accomplished absolutely nothing, was of service to no one, and be perfectly ok with that - to just take some time to just be here now. It's a nice change; it's nice to be just for the sake of being. It's nice to feel like being here, without necessarily having to do something to make living tolerable. Being alive is starting to feel...natural. Wow!

Motivation brings more motivation, and success breeds success. Feeling better, healthier, makes it easier to do the things that make me feel healthy. I feel my world expanding, my consciousness expanding, and I'm getting eager for more. And prayer is a big part of that. 

One person once told me, after I had been praying for them, "Your prayers are powerful." I don't think they meant my prayers; I think they meant prayers are powerful. I've known that prayer can be a powerful thing. When I was a young boy, I swallowed 3 pennies. Boy, did that hurt! I couldn't tell anyone, of course, so I prayed and asked God to relieve me of the pain, and it instantly left. I've had other occasions where prayer has been very effective, and I know it's been effective in the lives of others. But something inside - doubt, perhaps? - has caused me from time to time to stop praying, or stop believing in prayer. 

Now I'm getting excited because this recent shift is telling me that I can do more and be more than I've ever been and done before. My faith tradition tells me that I already have every quality of my Creator inside of me - it would be impossible for me to not have it (or you or anyone else) - and that my job is to do whatever needs to be done to let everything go that is not me, that is not allowing the Light within to shine brightly. And St. Francis' prayer really seems to fit that purpose, if I turn it inward. It would be a lovely thing if I had all the faith in the Universe to believe without seeing, but I don't - sometimes I need to see. That's ok today - all I need to know today is that I am loved and supported, whether I'm feeling it or not.

So, like a teenage boy with a new car, I'm eager to take this new level of faith out on the road and see what She'll do. I'll keep you posted!

Namasté,

Ken

The Strengths of Recovery

I'm a grateful person, and the more grateful I am, the more I find for which to be grateful.

It's important for me to recognize the blessings I have today, and it's important to me to share them with others. I get to share at support groups, Stories of Hope, working one on one with others, and through this blog. Here are some of the things for which I am grateful:

• Challenges (formerly problems) - I wouldn't have any of the 'problems' I have today if I weren't in recovery. I'd be dead.
• A growing self-respect and self-esteem
• A career and 2 great jobs
• An increased appreciation for life
• Real peace of mind
• Faith
• Hope
• An increased sense of security and safety
• Great people in my life
• The ability to recognize my gifts and share them
• Courage
• An increasing awareness of who I am
• A feeling of belonging
• I'm comfortable in my own skin
• Courage to be me
• Honesty
• Decreased shame
• Zero guilt
• Self-confidence
• Purpose
• Good health
• Confidence and courage to face life without fear
• Resilience
• I'm useful
• I have an appreciation for others and an ability to know people at more than a superficial level

If I were asked to write down my gifts and strengths and the good things in my life 3 years ago, I would not have been able to come up with one thing. I wasn't even grateful to be alive. Even during the times when I was sober it was hard to come up with things that I truly felt good about.

To be very honest, recovery hasn't given me these things - I've had them all along. Alcoholism and depression covered them up. What recovery has given me is the ability to recognize my strengths and to develop them and use them to serve others while at the same time create a great life. This is why I don't walk around with a lot of shame (I'd love to say that I have zero shame, but I'm not there yet) - I am becoming the person I was born to be. There is great joy in that.

My spiritual beliefs support the idea that each and every one of us is a great person. The people with whom I identify best are others who have walked the path of addiction or mental illness, so those are the people who I direct my energies to the most. I support others in becoming the people they were meant to be. I assist others in discovering and developing their strengths. Some people come into recovery thinking their lives are over; I get to be there when they discover that their lives have just begun.

I'm really glad I didn't miss out on this.

Namasté,

Ken

My Investment in Life

I did something really strange (for me) today - I did something that will benefit me 10 years from now. It has to do with student loan repayment and yadda, yadda, yadda, that's not what this post is about. It's about believing that I have a future and trying to manage that future as best I can from today.

Most of my life I did not envision my future in any kind of realistic way. I certainly had wishes, daydreams, and pipe dreams, but none ever came true because: 

• I believed I was undeserving of anything good;
• I believed I was incapable of attaining anything that 'normal' people had;
• The symptoms of my disorders did not allow me to live too much past surviving today.

A big part of the problem was that I was unable to recognize these factors at all, and, when I did recognize them, I didn't know how to change them, or even if it were possible. Basically, my life ran on autopilot, and the programming was not good. It took a lot for me to accept that I am responsible for my 'programming', whether I made it up on my own or whether it was given to me by someone else.

Here are some examples of good stuff I was unable to accomplish because deep down I didn't believe I could, or that I was worth it:

• Higher education - To date, I have attended 4 institutions of higher education and have earned something like 170 credits (which is more than enough to graduate with a bachelor's degree from any institution) but no degree.
• Marriage - I've been married and divorced twice. I joke that my cell phone contracts last longer than my marriages. I wasn't invested enough in these relationships to even try to change or grow with the relationship. I accepted defeat way too easily.
• Legal issues - I have 5 felonies on my record. The first felony would have turned into a misdemeanor if I had bothered to find a way to pay back the bad checks I wrote in the time given me to do so. The 3rd felony would have turned into a misdemeanor had I bothered to complete my probation, and I wouldn't have served my last prison term. It appears as though I just didn't care, but it goes deeper than that - I really do care about my freedom, but for the longest time I didn't feel I deserved it. I've punished myself more than anybody or any DOC ever could.
• Vocational issues - see marriage. I've had some fine jobs that never went anywhere because when the going got rough, I got going. I've never seen myself as an asset to any entity until recently.
• Sobriety - each time the symptoms of depression would reappear in force, I would relapse and return to drinking. Here I see that, because I was in denial that my symptoms were actually symptoms, and not the truth of my being, it was impossible for me to stay sober. When I felt suicidal, I really believed I was meant to die - so why stay sober? Today I can observe suicidal ideation and recognize it as a symptom - something going on that's not me.

So that's the short list. And it's not that I haven't experienced success in my life - I certainly have! It's just that I always turned it around into a failure, or quit when it got hard. And each time I failed at something that was supposed to be good, I added another layer of shame, making it even more probable that my next adventure was going to end in failure.

When I started my total recovery (recovery from alcoholism and major depressive disorder) I had people supporting me who believed in me, and I didn't think they were crazy. Bit by bit I began to get better, because I took up little goals and kept them, and saw them through to completion even if there were obstacles. With medication and therapy, I was able to discover the things within me that had previously held me back and learn to view them in the light of reality. I was able to focus on me getting better, rather than on getting a decent job, the right girlfriend, a nice place to live, etc. 

Can I say something here? I cringe when working with a young person newly diagnosed and I hear them or their parents say, "I need to get a decent job. Help me find a good job." If your child had just suffered a major heart attack, would you want them to go out and get a good job to recover from it? Does that even come close to making any kind of sense? Yet when someone's brain presents with a disorder, we think a job will cure them. Oh-kay.

Thank you for allowing me to digress. So, I learned in recovery to focus on me getting better, and the rest of the things in my life seemed to fall into place. At the very beginning, I did what was suggested of me to get better out of a sense of surrender - I didn't have or know of anything better to do. Remember, I started recovery thinking that I would have to get on disability, that I'd have to live in a group home, and that I'd never work or be useful again. So I did these things with not a great deal of hope that anything would turn out differently than it ever has before. Early on in recovery I couldn't even look too far to the future (maybe 2 weeks?) without getting depressed. So I focused on today, and what can I do today.

I began to realize I could stay in recovery today, but I didn't have any real hope for tomorrow. After a couple years in recovery, I began to believe that I might have some kind of life ahead of me, and it was different than my pipe dreams and wishes of yore - this was real. 

There are two kinds of living a day at a time. In active alcoholism and addiction, we survive - or, more accurately, our disease survives - a day at a time. Each day's concern is centered around our addiction, and getting through each day means avoiding anything that might interfere with the continuation of that addiction while doing whatever we need to do to feed that addiction. It's a pointless life, and eventually every addict realizes that it's pointless. Because it's pointless, there's very little joy or accomplishment, and the future is eclipsed by the very real needs our addiction presents to us today. Not a fun way to do 'one day at a time.'

In recovery, we learn about a different one day at a time. We learn that all we have to do is today is abstain from using our addictive substance. Then we learn that there are other things we can do and learn (our 'program') to make living without our substance easier. After practicing these things for a while, the practice gets easier, and we can begin looking, a day at a time, a little past abstinence and our recovery program at the things that make life life. We begin to be relieved of some of the problems we experienced, and can move on to developing things in our life that please us - things we can look forward to. In active addiction, or in depression, there's not a lot to look forward to.

For me, and, I think, for a lot of people, this is a long process. Recovery doesn't take place in days, weeks, or even months. I am quite sure for me that, if I live long enough, I have enough stuff to work on for years. The sad news is that some folks don't seem to have patience for the work this entails. The good news, for me, is that if I can keep recovery the central part of my life (thanks A.J.), I will enjoy my recovery along with the benefits it brings. And through it all, continue to understand that today is the most important day of my life.

In a little less than 3 weeks I will have been in continuous recovery for 3 years. This is the longest amount of recovery without relapse that I have experienced in my entire life. And here are some things that have developed that I never seem to have had previously. It's looking like I might actually value my life:

• I care enough about myself to present my best self to others.
• I care enough about myself to work consistently on my spirituality, which is a huge part of my recovery. 
• I understand today that I could possibly live another 40 years (that's still a little tough to see), so I do things that aren't necessarily fun to do today, like abstaining from a certain food, or engaging in exercise, or putting off a purchase, because it'll help me in the long run.
• I understand that connections and relationships are extremely important to living happily both today and in the future, so I seek to foster the relationships I have, and, when conflict arises, I seek to work through the conflict. (I never said it was all fun and games).
• I look for ways to improve my brain health, knowing that I'm at an age where, in some people, brain health starts to decline.
• I look for ways to enjoy and appreciate life.
• I look for ways to develop, express, and share my talents and gifts.
• I look for ways to express my gratitude for all I've been given.

Two things to note: One, the above list is a short list, and two, the above list has nothing whatsoever to do with finding the right job, the right place to live, the right romantic partner, or the right car; however, I have all of those things right now too!

I'm learning to live like today could be the last day of my life and I could live forever. 

Namasté,

Ken

Mental Health Awareness

I met someone today who was seeking some help for their young adult child who is going through the challenges of a mental health condition. I asked how long their child had been experiencing this, and the answer was a few years. I gave the parent some hope, (along with a lot of supportive information) because the earlier a mental health condition is recognized and treated in someone's life, the better the chances are for solid recovery and a life not devastated by mental illness.

I don't even know if back in 1962, when I was born, post-partum depression was even recognized as an actual mental disorder. Probably not. Even if it was, I'm sure that it wasn't proper for nice ladies from the South to get post-partum depression. So my mother had something else - an undefined neurological disorder - that wasn't treated well. And as I was growing up, I wasn't aware that feeling useless and having no energy and thinking of death often and wishing I could go to sleep and not wake up were actually symptoms of a disorder. I thought it was just me. I was just a defect that shouldn't have been born.

Today I know differently, and I know how important it is for a person experiencing mental health challenges to know that it's ok to have something. I am not my illness. You are not your illness. Parents are not the primary cause of mental illness. Having a mental illness does not make a person any less of a human being. It is a brain disorder. I have a friend who had a congenital heart defect, which caused a heart murmur, which, over time, damaged his aorta to the point where he needed open heart surgery to repair the aorta and replace the faulty valve. He has always been one of the kindest, most decent human beings I know, and having a heart defect does not diminish his worth as a person at all. Yet the general view of people with brain disorders is that they are less than.

May is Mental Health Awareness month. Mental health awareness is important in order to counteract the myths and stigma surrounding mental illness. Understanding of what mental illness is (and is not) is necessary in order to properly treat it and diminish the devastation caused by mental illness - devastation that not only touches the life of the sufferer, but also the sufferer's families, and society as a whole. When mental health conditions are properly diagnosed and treated, good outcomes, like with my friend with the new heart valve, can happen.

Here are some mental health facts:

The more we know about mental health conditions, the more we'll be able to treat them properly; when treated properly, mental health conditions do not have to end in suicide, death, jail time, homelessness, unemployment, loneliness, misery, and despair. When treated with medicine, therapy, love, respect, understanding, compassion, and support, mental health conditions result in stronger people who, through their recovery, can live happy and productive lives.

I know. I am living it, and I know others living it as well.

I invite you to take some time to educate yourself or your family about mental health conditions so that more people have the opportunity to live healthy lives. If you have any questions regarding mental health issues, please visit NAMI, or, if you're in the Waukesha, WI, USA area, NAMI Waukesha.

Namasté

Ken