Lessons from Relapse - Desiring a Better Me

In May of 2015 I was at the lowest point in my life. I didn't have a life - it was all gone - and I had no hope of ever having a life again. So I started working on me.

In previous stabs at recovery, and there have been plenty, I've always desired a better life. We all want a better life - it's the American way! In previous recovery attempts, I would go about piecing my life together again - the job, the car, the apartment, the girlfriend/wife whatever. The problem with that is that I'm bringing the same director (me) to a different situation. We, or at least I, have a tendency to think of our lives in terms of what we have, rather than what or who we are. It really doesn't work that way. Whatever we, or at least I, have in my life ultimately is an outpicturing of what is inside of me. 

Jesus spoke of putting new wine into old wineskins, which doesn't work - the wineskins burst, spilling the wine. This is exactly what Jesus, who taught the Laws of the Universe, was talking about - changing our situation does not change us. If my way of thinking and doing isn't working now, whatever I try bringing into my life to make my life better will soon be lost. If I continually screw up jobs, getting a new job isn't going to help. If I continually screw up relationships, the problem is me, not the women I marry.

So when I got to my lowest point, where I was out of ideas (and money, and a job, and a place to live), I wasn't thinking of Jesus' teachings, I was just alive, and had nothing else to do but work on me.

I did not realize what was happening until after it was happening. I went to treatment, and I listened and talked honestly. I went to therapy, and learned CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) which showed me where my thinking was flawed. I began to take different actions than I did in the past. I began to look at myself and life in different ways than I had in the past. I began to realize what was happening when good things started coming into my life without me going after them as I had in the past. I got a place to live rather than being homeless. I got a job, then I got a decent job, and then I got two even better jobs that I didn't even apply for - all because I was paying attention to what was going on with me, what was happening in my head, and what was coming out of me.

I began to learn to live life from the inside out rather than the outside in. I began to judge my life not by what I had, but by what was going on inside of me. And the outside began looking better pretty much by itself. I of course took the actions I needed to take - paying my rent, paying my bills, going to work - but I was no longer attempting to direct what when on outside of me. I was learning to direct what was going on inside.

So, in order to change my life, which is again nothing more than a mirror of what's going on within, I work on changing me, instead of figuring out how to manipulate what's going on around me. It's actually much simpler.

I used to run my life like a person who drives a car while looking only at the rearview mirror. As you might expect, I had lots of crashes. So I must understand that if I have crashed, or ended up in a place that I really didn't want to be, then I must have had my attention directed to a place that wasn't serving me well.

This relapse has shown me that I still have work to do inside of me. In order to find out what that might be, I will open myself to accepting more help, and more guidance. I will get back to a beginner's mind, so that I can see more possibilities than I saw before.

Each day is a new opportunity to become a more skillful, mindful, conscious person than the person I was yesterday. When I set that as my primary goal, a good life naturally follows.

Namasté,

Ken

What Am I Learning?

In the post Listening to Pain Part I I mentioned that pain is my friend. Physical pain can tell me, "Don't touch that," or "Don't bend that way," or "Stop eating." A dull physical pain tells me that my muscles are tight and need movement. A dull psychic pain, like I've been experiencing lately, tell me that I'm out of alignment - that my thinking, or my actions, or both are not in alignment with who I am and my purpose here.

I used to react to this psychic pain by drinking alcohol or taking drugs, or engaging in behaviors that took my mind away from the pain, like eating or spending money, or spending hours mindlessly surfing the internet. Then I learned more constructive ways to deal with the pain - I could go to support group meetings and exercise. These drugs and actions are called palliatives.  Palliatives do not cure or fix what's going on; they give the person comfort. Palliatives really aren't for living; they're for giving a person who is at the end of their life a little bit of comfort to make the transition easier.

I'm not dead yet, and not even really close, I think. So it occurs to me that to cover up the pain I've been feeling lately is not the best option. It's the first option that comes up in my mind because covering up the pain one way or another is what I've done most of my life. This practice has gotten me by, but it hasn't gotten me too far. So maybe it's time for me to put on my big boy pants and face the music, whatever the tune is.

Let me state here that I am not denigrating myself or anybody else. Painkillers, in all their glorious forms, exist for a reason. There is a process by which a person awakens to themselves, and it rarely happens overnight. 

But after a while, the still small voice inside chides that the things I've been using to get by don't work so well anymore. And that's the signal that it's time to do something different.

I've been off of the medication that was prescribed to me 3 years ago for 6 weeks or a month now. I've been slowly weaning off of it for about a year. I've noticed that I am more sensitive now, and my moods go a little lower than they have over the past 3 years. I am grateful for the medication - it got me to a point where I could learn and practice helpful recovery tools. I've gotten a lot stronger, smarter, and wiser over the past 3 years, and I have medication to thank for the mood stability I needed to learn how to live in recovery. 

The psychic pain I've been experiencing lately has been similar to the pain that use to drive me to self-destructive behaviors. The difference now is that it is not as intense, overwhelming, or debilitating. I'm sensing it more as a signal that change is needed. The pain I'm experiencing now is my friend - it's not going to kill me.

One great thing I've learned over the past 3 years - when I accept and embrace those things I call hardships (life), those hardships turn into great blessings. I have consistent evidence that, if treated in the proper way, all the things that come my way make me stronger and better. I no longer feel like the next thing that comes my way is going to ruin me.

So, the next step is to ask and to listen - "What do I need to let go of now?" "Who shall I go to to learn from?" I know that when I ask, the answers are provided, and I'm grateful today for the willingness to listen and the courage to act.

Namasté,

Ken

What's Right

Following is a post I made to a Facebook group to which I belong called the Gratitude Circle:

I am grateful that I know how to raise my vibe w/out the use of alcohol or drugs. Sometimes I still have trouble feeling 'grateful', and today was one of those days. I felt stuck in 'what's wrong'. So I wrote a list about what's right:
I am alive
I am sober and sane
I am healthy
I am employed
I have a nice home
I have friends
I have choices
I am in charge of my focus
I have tools I can use to uplift me and others...
and the list goes on. So after I wrote the list and realized all the things that are right with me, I realized that I felt gratitude again, and, the the things that are 'wrong' fell into the background.

The Gratitude Circle is a daily opportunity to share and expand gratitude with others around the world. Today, and maybe lately, I found it difficult to post because I wasn't feeling gratitude. My mind was focused on what's 'wrong' with the world and my seeming powerlessness to affect anything.

I know from my own experience that when the gratitude cup is empty, it's empty! I knew I needed to raise my vibration (emotional state) up a few notches, but was finding it difficult. So I did just what I stated in the post - I didn't write a gratitude list, I wrote a What's Right list, with all the things that are going well in my life. By the time I got done with it, my vibe was raised, and I was feeling gratitude again.

The world didn't change, I did.

The ego can be a tricky thing - it likes to think that it has much more control over things than it actually does. I am a powerful being, as I believe we all are; however, when I put my focus on the things I can't change, rather than what I can, my power is wasted, and I feel discouraged and depleted. 

There is a great deal I can do to effect change in this world, but it begins with me. My strength comes from my relationship with my Higher Power, so I must put that relationship first. When I am peaceful inside, and grateful and receptive, I can allow my Higher Power to direct my actions where they will do the most good. 

I have the understanding today that each of us in our own way has the ability to make the world a better place to live. I also know that to the degree I allow healing to take place in me, the world has improved by that degree as well, because I am a part of this world. I can and do make a difference.

Namasté,

Ken

Mental Health Awareness

I met someone today who was seeking some help for their young adult child who is going through the challenges of a mental health condition. I asked how long their child had been experiencing this, and the answer was a few years. I gave the parent some hope, (along with a lot of supportive information) because the earlier a mental health condition is recognized and treated in someone's life, the better the chances are for solid recovery and a life not devastated by mental illness.

I don't even know if back in 1962, when I was born, post-partum depression was even recognized as an actual mental disorder. Probably not. Even if it was, I'm sure that it wasn't proper for nice ladies from the South to get post-partum depression. So my mother had something else - an undefined neurological disorder - that wasn't treated well. And as I was growing up, I wasn't aware that feeling useless and having no energy and thinking of death often and wishing I could go to sleep and not wake up were actually symptoms of a disorder. I thought it was just me. I was just a defect that shouldn't have been born.

Today I know differently, and I know how important it is for a person experiencing mental health challenges to know that it's ok to have something. I am not my illness. You are not your illness. Parents are not the primary cause of mental illness. Having a mental illness does not make a person any less of a human being. It is a brain disorder. I have a friend who had a congenital heart defect, which caused a heart murmur, which, over time, damaged his aorta to the point where he needed open heart surgery to repair the aorta and replace the faulty valve. He has always been one of the kindest, most decent human beings I know, and having a heart defect does not diminish his worth as a person at all. Yet the general view of people with brain disorders is that they are less than.

May is Mental Health Awareness month. Mental health awareness is important in order to counteract the myths and stigma surrounding mental illness. Understanding of what mental illness is (and is not) is necessary in order to properly treat it and diminish the devastation caused by mental illness - devastation that not only touches the life of the sufferer, but also the sufferer's families, and society as a whole. When mental health conditions are properly diagnosed and treated, good outcomes, like with my friend with the new heart valve, can happen.

Here are some mental health facts:

The more we know about mental health conditions, the more we'll be able to treat them properly; when treated properly, mental health conditions do not have to end in suicide, death, jail time, homelessness, unemployment, loneliness, misery, and despair. When treated with medicine, therapy, love, respect, understanding, compassion, and support, mental health conditions result in stronger people who, through their recovery, can live happy and productive lives.

I know. I am living it, and I know others living it as well.

I invite you to take some time to educate yourself or your family about mental health conditions so that more people have the opportunity to live healthy lives. If you have any questions regarding mental health issues, please visit NAMI, or, if you're in the Waukesha, WI, USA area, NAMI Waukesha.

Namasté

Ken