Where the Impossible Becomes Possible

I had an odd, interesting, eye-opening experience tonight. To preface, in case you're not aware or if you're reading this in the future, this is April 2020 and we are in the middle of a pandemic. Because of this, certain restrictions are in place, and people are quarantining themselves, and group gatherings, like recovery meetings, have been cancelled or are done online with programs like zoom.com and gotomeeting.com. This was the case tonight - I was virtually attending a recovery meeting from Wisconsin that I used to physically attend regularly. People's faces were flashing on the screen, people I've known for years, and who've known me for years, and I began to feel very uncomfortable, very anxious, and I didn't want these people to see me or know that I was there. I pressed the 'leave meeting' button and noped right out of there.

I was really surprised by my reaction, as I've physically returned to meetings where I've been absent for a while, and it's been ok. Tonight, I felt fear, anxiety, guilt,  shame. I didn't want my old friends to see me, and I virtually turned around and walked away.

About two weeks ago I had a crisis. I was seriously depressed, had no hope, and no longer wanted to live. I was hospitalized for a few days. One of the things that came out of that experience was I was put on different medication. The doctor asked me if I wanted to try it, and I said, "yes," thinking what the f*&k difference does it make anyway? I also had a similar experience to the one I described in my last post - I had come into the hospital with a plastic water bottle filled with vodka. My property was taken and stored during my hospitalization, and returned upon discharge. I did not know whether staff had discovered my vodka or not, but, as in the last post, that bottle was on my mind. I discovered that staff did not discover my bottle, and I left that hospital on the fence - do I continue to do whatever I can to get well, or do I start drinking again, hoping I'll permanently self-destruct? I chose to pour the vodka on the ground and throw the bottle away.

What I have discovered after leaving the hospital and the vodka behind is that I feel better, more clear, brighter, than I have in probably two years. I feel almost functional. I have hope. I have willingness to do whatever it takes to stay in recovery. I can't attribute it all to the medication change, as I haven't been taking it that long; however, I think the medication might have a lot to do with it. The interesting thing is that the medication I accepted is medication that I would not in my 'right' mind take - I took it with a screw it attitude, and found out it isn't like I thought it would be. Imagine that!

I've also discovered that spontaneous feelings are beginning to return. What I have been guilty of most of my adult life is learning what feelings I should have in which situation and acting. The only real feelings I had for a long time were anger and fear. I don't recommend this way of living. And the miracle is that I am no longer afraid to experience my feelings. I am willing to have them, learn from them, and let them go.

As I mentioned earlier, the feelings I felt going into that virtual recovery meeting were fear, guilt, and shame. Why? Because these people were my friends. Even though I kept them at arm's length, they always showed they cared for me and wanted me around. They probably would have done the same tonight if I'd stuck around, but I chose to run. And when I moved from Wisconsin to Arizona, I consulted nobody. I picked up and moved without saying a word. I abandoned my friends, and they had no idea what happened to me. That's a shitty, shameful way to behave, and I realized tonight that I owe them amends.

And that brings us to the title of this post - 'Where the Impossible Becomes Possible.' I had another virtual meeting to go to which started an hour after the first one that I bugged out of. Between the first meeting and the second, I sat with what happened and what I was feeling. Tonight my feelings were visceral. The remarkable thing is that I didn't have a desire to cover up or stuff the way I was feeling; I was able to sit with it and learn from it. That is when I realized I need to offer amends to my friends, but I have no idea when or how this is going to happen. It seems impossible.

So I went virtually to the second meeting, which featured a speaker sharing his experience, strength, and hope with addiction and recovery. I related a lot to his story - he also had created situations in his life that seemed impossible to overcome. But by putting down the alcohol, and doing the things other alcoholics before him had done to recover, he began to get well - he began to overcome those impossible situations that he had created in his life. Because we work a spiritual program of recovery, God is able to do for us what we cannot do for ourselves - if we let Him.

I do not know how to have a real relationship with another human being. I learned how to push people away and bring alcohol closer, and my level of distrust and disconnectedness of others grew. It seemed easier to distrust from the get-go than it would be to grow close and eventually experience the disappointment of a person abandoning me.

How do I begin to recognize, acknowledge, and embrace my connection with others? I don't know exactly how it is going to happen, but I do know this - that when I embrace an attitude of willingness to get well, the Universe opens all sorts of doors that I didn't know were there. I have seen it happen in others, and I have seen it happen in myself, and I see it happening now. Nothing is impossible with God. I don't have to know how things will get better; all I have to do is apply as much honesty and willingness that I can, and be open-minded and accepting of what shows up in my life. So many times I have closed the doors that Source has opened for me, but I must remember this: there is not a problem I can create that is bigger than my Higher Power. 

I have been cursed and blessed to have the desire to live a bigger life than I'm living. I can't sit with new information about who I really am an continue to live the way I've always lived - I must allow change for the better and healing into my life. I must let go of fear and old beliefs, and open my mind, my emotions, an my arms to what God has in store for me. I must continue to develop faith and courage as I become the man I would be. It's a tall order, but I don't have to do it alone. I have God, and I have a ton of good people around me who love and support me in proportion to my willingness to accept their love and support.

Namasté,

Ken

Mind Games

***Trigger Warning*** - this post deals with triggers & urges to drink.

Yesterday, I was walking to the drugstore on a path that runs next to Prescott Valley's big drainage ditch (built for monsoon season to help avoid flash flooding). I use this path all the time, and like any public path, there is sometimes trash strewn about. At one point, less than a mile to my destination, I noticed a bottle (a fifth) of Wild Turkey Rye Whiskey laying in the grass; only I really noticed it. I fairly often see stuff of this nature on my walks, and I usually give stuff a half-second glance. The glance I gave the bottle yesterday was much more than a half-second, and that bottle and its contents looked good.

If you are a non-alcoholic or non-addict, you might wonder what the attraction was. I walk into gas stations and grocery stores that sell beer and liquor all the time. I rarely have an issue being in close proximity to sealed alcoholic products sitting innocently on the store shelves waiting for some customer to buy them. I know I'm not that customer.

Fortunately, this happened yesterday. If I had happened upon that bottle of Wild Turkey two weeks ago, I'm fairly certain that I would have taken advantage of it, because two weeks ago I was not in a good space mentally or spiritually. Yesterday I was doing pretty good.

So I carried on to my destination, and after I was done with my business, I began my return trip using the same path. I came upon the bottle of whiskey again, and I stopped. Again, I knew the problem for me - it was there. So I decided to pour it out. I picked up the bottle, and it was nearly full. I can't comprehend someone leaving a nearly full bottle of whiskey alone in the wilds - that's alcohol abuse! I went to unscrew the cap, and noted it wasn't a cap, it was a cork - classy! I pulled out the cork, and... I've done this before - poured bottles out for myself or for someone I'm helping, and there's always this one little point, this hesitation, where the decision, or the final answer is made... Do I drink it or do I pour it out; could go either way. And I chose to pour that whiskey out onto the ground. When the bottle was empty, I flung it back in the grass, and continued on my way.

I spoke with my recovery coach a few hours later and related the experience to him. He asked if I felt good for doing that, and I told him that I did. It was a good feeling making the better choice. And we talked a little more about it, and I talked about possibly disappointing the person who bought the bottle in the first place. But he said I did the right thing, because by physically pouring it out, I got it out of my mind. We also realized that I might have saved some kid from a bad day or a bad life by removing this opportunity to use alcohol; who knows.

I'm grateful for this experience, and experiences like them. They remind me that I still need to be mindful on my daily journey. Triggers, urges, cravings happen to anybody who stops using a substance to which they are addicted, and there is no shame in having them. Addiction is tied into the part of our brains that ensure our survival, so automatically desiring something we were addicted to when triggered is not at all unusual. As a recovering person, I need to remember to not always believe everything I think. If I do, I can lead myself into some very destructive behavior.

Urges and triggers are just thoughts; however, they're thoughts that affect the pleasure center of our brain, and they can turn into physical cravings or obsessions. It's important to deal with them before they become out of control. I dealt with this one by taking action opposite to my desire (pouring it out), and talking with someone who understands (honesty). By dealing with this situation in a skillful way, I'm able to move past it and relate the story as an incident that happened yesterday. Had I dealt with this unskillfully, it'd be a pretty good bet that today would have been much, much different, and that bottle, or at least the consequences from drinking it, would still be with me. I'm grateful for the tools to stay sober, and I'm even more grateful when I actually use them.

Thank you for reading. I hope this piece has shed some light for you on alcoholism. Please share this with others if you think it would help.

Namasté,

Ken

Greetings from Prescott Valley, Arizona

On or about December 18th, 2019, I moved from Wisconsin and landed in Flagstaff, Arizona. From there, I spent some time in Holbrook, AZ, and from there moved to Prescott (prounounced presskit) Valley, AZ. The reasons for the move are still unclear, but I've wanted to live in Arizona for some time now. So here I am.

I haven't written here lately. It's difficult for me to write when times are tough, and times have been tough. I decided to move rather abruptly, so I landed here without a plan. Additionally, I found it necessary to drink alcohol on the way down here. So, I'm basically a homeless drunk in Arizona. Actually, I was only drinking for about a week, so the consequences weren't too severe. However, the drinking caused me to be suicidal, so I landed in the psychiatric hospital and then off for a 30-day treatment. After treatment, I came to a sober living house in Prescott Valley.

It's also difficult for me to write when I feel unsure of what I'm writing about. If I only wrote about that which I knew for sure, I would write, "Moved to Arizona - sober again." I know there's much more to the story, I just don't know what it is yet.

And that's going to have to be ok. I am grateful for a friend who wrote to me, "It will all work out." My ego wants to defend, rationalize, justify, but I can't - I can only say, "It just is," and go from there. And going from here means learning to trust in and rely upon Source that it will lead me to the next right step; building my recovery support network here in Prescott Valley and Prescott, working vigilantly on learning how to manage depression and keep it from informing my choices, and being of service wherever and whenever I can. Same schtick, different state.

So I think that's about it for now. Pretty sketchy, but I needed to break the ice on the latest leg of my journey. I hope you'll continue to travel with me!

Namasté,

Ken

When the Going Gets Tough...

the tough get going! (attributed to Theodore Roosevelt)

One often wonders if all the coping mechanisms, recovery plans, crisis plans, and support people actually work when the shit hits the fan - well, they do. 

They don't work as seamlessly, quickly, and completely as alcohol and other drugs seemed to work in getting through (or blotting out) a crisis, but they do work. They make the pain, confusion, and fear bearable so I can move forward and through the crisis without causing harm to myself or others. I will survive, and I will thrive. 

Short post.

Namaste,

Ken

What's Cooking Today?

My recovery is made up of many small actions and attitudes. It's not just about abstaining from drugs and alcohol, or taking my prescribed medication, though both of those are important. Abstaining from alcohol and taking my medication satisfies my doctor and my therapist, and, if I had one, my probation officer - but doing that and nothing else leaves me irritable, restless, and discontent. 

What brought this topic on is that I cooked a meal today. I cooked it the week before as well. It's a keto diet recipe, and I've been working on going full keto for the past couple of months. I keep relapsing back into carbs. But that's not the point. What is remarkable about cooking two meals in the past couple of weeks is that it's been about 10 years since I've done any real cooking. I've been a lazy eater, choosing to eat foods that don't take much prep. Or eating utensils.

So a couple of weeks ago when I cooked, and again today, I really enjoyed the cooking. And the eating. There is something quite creative about taking a bunch of ingredients, putting them together in a certain way, and cooking them that brings some satisfaction to me (I'm not really up to joy yet - satisfaction is about as good as it gets). And then there's the satisfaction of eating what I've cooked - nourishing my body, my mind, and even my soul by consummating a cooking experience.

I found tearing myself away from web sudoku in order to prepare my meal to be a little bit challenging. My girlfriend's presence helped me to unglue myself from from the computer and get into the kitchen and engage in a 'live' activity. I should've taken a video and posted it to YouTube! But it is true that of late it's been difficult for me to put down the passive activities like surfing the web and playing computer games, and get up and do something that engages body, mind, and soul.

I've been avoiding using the 'l' word, because I'm not lazy, and calling myself lazy is pejorative, unhelpful, and incorrect. The periods of engaging in no meaningful activity are symptoms of depression. For me it's mild. For others, it can be as severe as avoiding personal hygiene tasks, eating, or even getting out of bed. I've not come across a medicine that will make me get and stay motivated, so I must do those things that I really don't want to do - otherwise, it's likely that I will get to the point of not being able to get out of bed.

Many years ago, I listened to a person in long-term recovery from alcoholism describe recovery as a recipe - that it's like making a cake. There are necessary ingredients and important instructions to follow lest the cake turn out crappy. In other words, to avoid having a less-than-desirable recovery, I must include certain attitudes and actions in my recovery.

Some of the ingredients that for me make a nice, full, enjoyable recovery (life) include, but aren't limited to:

• Abstaining from alcohol and other mood altering substances;
• Taking my medication as prescribed and consulting my psychiatrist (and others) before making any changes;
• Preparing and eating healthy, nutritious food that is satisfying and adds to my mental health and overall well-being;
• Contact with others in recovery, or others who want recovery, both in support group meetings and outside of meetings;
• Engaging in physical activity that I find challenging that strengthens my body and mind and makes me feel good (exercise). For me it is yoga, some weightlifting, and aerobic exercise like walking and bicycling. I don't run because the last time I did, the police caught me anyway;
• Engaging in creative hobbies or even vocations that utilize my talents and skills - like cooking, writing, and music;
• Nurturing my spiritual life through prayer, meditation, reading, counting my blessings, and helping others - and there are many ways to help others;
• Exercising my brain through reading and learning - some subjects of my interest are the latest neuroscience developments in mental health as well as what works best for nourishing my body and my brain;
• Having an job that engages as many of my skills and gifts as possible.

I think that's a good recipe for my recovery. It's good to make this list, because I see all of the healthy choices I have available to me, and I see some of the areas that could use a little more paying attention to. I still have the teenager's mind of, "There's nothin' to do," yet when I make this list I see I have a whole bunch to do.

Recovery is about alleviating the outer symptoms of my conditions, but it's also about developing and strengthening those characteristics within me that make this existence not only bearable, but enjoyable and fruitful.

Namasté,

Ken

No Whining! (Being Grateful)

I generally ride the bus to and from work. My schedule is such that I get off work at 10:00pm, and I have about 12 minutes to catch the last bus going my way. Up until last night, I've made the bus every day.

Last night at work I got a call at my workstation at 9:58pm. I saw that the call was going to be longer than just a couple of minutes, so I was hoping that I could still make the bus anyway. I patiently and kindly took the customer's order, and realized about halfway through that I wasn't going to be riding the bus home. When I was through with the call, I logged off, punched out, and said goodnight to my coworker.

It's a 3 mile walk home from work, and my first thought was, "Well, this sucks." It was chilly, windy and raining lightly - not my favorite weather. As I began my walk, I started looking for someone to blame. There weren't a lot of targets - I couldn't really be mad at the caller. I could have passed the call on to somebody else, but I didn't feel that was right, for either the customer or for any of my coworkers. I decided that walking home in the rain was my doing, because last year my driver's license was revoked because I earned a DUI and I sold my car. 

Fortunately, I avoided going into self-pity/I'm going to give up mode. I began to count my blessings in this scenario:

• I had proper clothing for the weather - I was warm and cozy, despite the cold wind and rain.
• It's not a hardship for me to walk 3 miles, so
• I'm grateful for my legs.
• I'm grateful for my heart.
• I'm grateful for my lungs.
• I'm grateful for my overall good health.
• I'm grateful the wind is at my back (that was a nice bonus, as usually the wind would have been in my face, and last night it wasn't).
• I'm grateful I live in an area where it's relatively safe for me to walk at night.
• I had forgotten my earphones (that sucked, too), so I'm grateful I was able to direct my thinking into gratitude and do constructive thinking on the way home.
• I'm grateful I was walking in the city rather than the country - I felt more secure.

And on it went. I made it home safely and in a good mood.

Gratitude doesn't prevent sucky situations, but what it did for me last night was allow me to go through the situation without going into blaming, self-recrimination, or worse, self-pity, which leads to depression and resentment. Gratitude allows me to see that I am richly blessed when I look at my situation from a different angle.

Moreover, a consistent practice of gratitude allows me to maintain a higher vibration throughout my days. I am better able to see the good around me and in me. 

What I focus on grows. When I focus on the negative, I have more negative on which to focus. I'm living in it. When I put gratitude lenses in my glasses, my blessings grow, and the negative diminishes.

Namasté,

Ken

Thriving Thru the Holidays

Holidays have almost always been challenging for me. The only times when they weren't were when I was in jail over the holidays, and I could ignore them. That's sad, I know, but it uncovers the mindset I have to overcome in order to not only survive the holidays, but to enjoy them.

So in order to both survive and thrive through the holidays, I need to consider a couple aspects - what do I need to do to protect my sobriety and my mental health, and then what I can do to add to the holidays - in other words, what can I give into the holidays to make them more enjoyable, as opposed to what can I get from the holidays.

In order to protect my sobriety and mental health (they go hand in hand) over the holidays, I can fully utilize all of the tools I have been given. In other words, I maximize my use of the tools I have, which are:

• My support system - go to more recovery meetings than I usually go to, and talk to/be with the people in my support system. It's very important that as I do this, I recognize that others are often stressed out during this time of year, and in seeking support, I can also be of support. Again, it's about what I have to offer to others as much as, if not more, what I can get from others.
• Giving myself permission - I can give myself permission to duck out of an event temporarily to call someone in my support system. I can give myself permission to leave an event early if I feel triggered. I can give myself permission to say 'no thank you' to an event if I don't feel in the right place to attend. I definitely give myself permission to abstain from all mood altering drugs.
• Breathe - I think this is one of the most underrated forms of stress relief, but it can help me outlast a stressful situation. When I am feeling stressed, I can begin my breathing exercises. One of the best on-the-go breathing exercises is to fully breathe in to a count of 4, and exhale to a count of 8, and repeat as much as needed. This kind of breathing sends a signal to our vagus nerve and helps us relax and feel good. Concentrated breathing is also grounding, and helps me feel more whole in situations where I feel scattered.
• Rest - I know to not over-tax myself during the holidays. Parties and gatherings are fun, but I still need my rest! I think this is especially true for those living with bipolar disorder, as the go-go-go of the season can sometimes trigger hypo-manic or even manic episodes. I must consider that I don't feel the right time to get some rest, so I must rest even if it feels like I don't need any.
• Prayer, meditation, and alone time - these set my attitude, and I can increase the amount of time I engage in these. Prayer and meditation are therapeutic and set my attitude. Alone time - solitude, not isolation - allow me time to breathe and to relax. Alone time is mindful, so it can be taken in small chunks just about anywhere. For instance, when I go to the bathroom, I can either do my business and leave, or, I can take a breath (if it's safe) and revel internally that I have a few moments of peace. These little nuggets of alone time are incredibly refreshing.
• Nutrition - it's important to me, and also very challenging, to avoid over-indulging in all the tasty things I can eat over the holidays. Often I use food for comfort, and I can stay mindful that my body probably has all that it needs in the moment, and I can probably abstain from that next tasty treat. Like alcohol and drugs, there is value here in learning to say 'no' without explanation.

Now, what can I add to the holidays? This is personal for each of us, depending upon who we'll spend time with and what our personal customs and traditions are. Adding to the holidays can seem a bit the opposite of protecting my mental health and sobriety, but it doesn't have to be. 

The first thing to understand is that it isn't all about me. Some of us who haven't emotionally matured too much past our teens still think Christmas is all about us. Well, it really isn't, and the reason is that having it be all about me sets me up for being disappointed. When I was growing up, we opened gifts on Christmas Eve. Christmas Day I always woke up hoping there would be more under the tree for me, and there never was. It wasn't that I didn't get enough for Christmas; it's just that I had a mindset that nothing was ever enough. So I can lower whatever expectations I have about the holidays - about what I'll receive, about who I'll see, about how others will behave, and set my sights on what I can add into any given situation. High expectations lead to disappointment, and that's the beginning of a slippery slope for me - it leads to self-pity, which leads to depression and/or resentment, which are poison to my recovery. So there's the paradox: in keeping my recovery (not me) and others first, I have an enjoyable time.

Second, and very much related to the above, is I don't need to foist my ideas about what the holidays should be like on anybody else. I can have my own customs and still go with the flow. For instance, I'm not religious, and I personally can do without religious celebrations; however, because my loved ones enjoy going to Christmas Mass, I'll be going with them. I have to ask myself, "Will it kill me to spend an hour in church?" And I always enjoy it. Last year I met the Pope, and if I can find the picture, I'll post it. 

Third, I need to constantly keep in mind that it's not about the presents, it's about my presence. I hate buying presents, because my belief right now is that I can never get something good enough. So, I need to turn my focus away from the presents and understand that my presence with my loved ones is more important. Really, it's very obvious that they love me for me, and not for what I can give materially.

Lastly, I need to work my program of recovery. If my program falls apart, I fall apart, and if that happens I can really detract from a happy celebration of the holidays rather than add to it. My number one goal is to be of service to those around me, and my program must be well in place for me to do that effectively. I must offer myself up for help. A good example is decorating the god@$#& beautiful Christmas trees (I've got more than one to help with). It's not my favorite thing, but that doesn't matter.

The holidays can be a challenging time for someone in recovery, but they don't have to drag me down or make me miserable. I start each day knowing that the most important thing I have to do today, no matter what else is going on, is to make myself as ready as I can to spend the day sober and mentally healthy. Others can scramble around thinking that the turkey is the most important today, or the tree is the most important today, but I know that today, like any other day, if I don't have my recovery, the tree and the turkey aren't going to make a difference.

My wish for you is to have a happy holiday season!

 Namasté,

Ken