I recently talked with a parent of a person who lives with co-occurring disorders - she has a mental health condition along with substance use disorder. I shared my experience with this parent - my experience of relying too heavily on my parents and others to take care of me, to 'fix' me, when it would have been better all around for me to learn to take care of myself. I shared with this person how my learning to be responsible and take care of myself was/is the scariest thing, and yet the best thing, that I've ever done. I felt very comfortable talking with this parent - I was in my element, I was in the groove.
That's not the secret. That's what I do for a living - allow myself to be vulnerable so that I can share my experience and knowledge so that others might gain hope and maybe insight.
My secret is this: I would rather not. People scare me. My brain, or my ego, tells me I would rather be alone all day than deal with people. My experience, on the other hand, tells me that the more open I am with others, the more I share the real me with others, the healthier I'll be.
So I live with this paradox. I like to speak in public, and I write this blog, and on Facebook I'm very open; yet sitting down to talk with someone 1:1 is very scary for me, at least before the event. Once I'm in there, the experience is good. And when I'm done sharing or doing whatever I'm doing, I feel very good inside.
I don't know if that fear of others, or that desire to isolate, will ever leave. It has its benefits - I must be spiritually prepared every day, through prayer and meditation, to meet whatever (or whoever) is mine to meet. This fear is the thorn in my side that St Paul describes - it keeps me coming back to Source, because I know what would happen if I did only what my head tells me to do - I would get sick and die. I've learned that if I'm not doing something today that makes me uncomfortable, I'm probably not doing anything today that's healthy for me.
I bring this up for two reasons: First, I need to remind myself that when I see someone else do something that looks very challenging to me, yet they're making it look effortless, there is probably a lot of preparation and stuff going on behind what they're doing of which I'm not aware. In other words, I ought not judge by appearances - things and people are rarely, if ever, what they seem at first glance. Second, I'd like to give some hope to someone who might read this and say to you, as Eleanor Roosevelt said, "Do one thing every day that scares you," and, "You must do the thing you think you cannot do."
I existed for a long time avoiding the tough stuff in life, and I was very empty inside. It's very painful to only go through the motions of living. Only when I began to do the things that I didn't want to do, the things that scared me, the things that exposed me, the things that I had no idea how to do, did I begin to experience the richness of life. One doesn't necessarily need to climb Mount Everest to experience a thrill; simply doing what's written on my heart while ignoring the screaming voice in my head can be quite thrilling. I have a lot of people in my life for whom I'm very grateful who would not be in my life if I were living by my old m.o. Simply put, it's really easy to get to know people who are really easy to get to know, but it's not very fulfilling. Inside of me, and I'm pretty sure inside of you, are those things that deep down my heart yearns to do, but my head has excuses not to do. For me, those are the things I do if I want to have the kind of life that I can feel good about. And I suppose I am, bit by bit, because, bit by bit, I'm feeling better about being me. It's been a long time coming.
Namasté,
Ken
Showing posts with label Effort. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Effort. Show all posts
Friday, July 13, 2018
Sunday, February 25, 2018
How Long or How Many?
Something that bothers me from time to time is the habit of measuring sobriety or abstinence by time. Very often one hears, "I've got 90 days!" or "I've got a year!" I know people in recovery that haven't had a drink or a mood altering drug in over 40 years. Length of abstinence is important - it shows others that recovery is possible, and it shows a certain amount of character.
I mentioned that I know people who have managed to remain abstinent for decades. A few of those people I would not want to be with in the same room - they're toxic. Length of sobriety is not the same as quality of sobriety (or quality of life); however, up until now, because I've never been able to string more than a couple of years of abstinence together, I haven't had much to say about it. I do now, because I understand recovery is about learning to live from the inside out.
Length of sobriety is important to people just starting out, and important to all the other people in the alcoholic's/addict's life. Length of sobriety is important to one's parole officer, boss, domestic partner, family, and any non-alcoholic/addict with whom I share my sobriety. But because the time away from mood-altering drugs is only a very small factor in how I'm really doing, it's not important to me.
Here is a short list of some things I ask myself about my recovery, and the questions, rather than starting with "How long," begin with "How many."
I mentioned that I know people who have managed to remain abstinent for decades. A few of those people I would not want to be with in the same room - they're toxic. Length of sobriety is not the same as quality of sobriety (or quality of life); however, up until now, because I've never been able to string more than a couple of years of abstinence together, I haven't had much to say about it. I do now, because I understand recovery is about learning to live from the inside out.
Length of sobriety is important to people just starting out, and important to all the other people in the alcoholic's/addict's life. Length of sobriety is important to one's parole officer, boss, domestic partner, family, and any non-alcoholic/addict with whom I share my sobriety. But because the time away from mood-altering drugs is only a very small factor in how I'm really doing, it's not important to me.
Here is a short list of some things I ask myself about my recovery, and the questions, rather than starting with "How long," begin with "How many."
- How many opportunities have I taken to share my story with someone else contemplating sobriety?
- How many times have I admitted I was wrong?
- How many times have I told the truth when what I really wanted to do was cover up my actions or my embarrassment?
- How many times have I attended support groups to share recovery with others?
- How many times have I said, "I don't know," when I didn't know?
- How many times have I picked up someone else's litter without complaint?
- How many times have I done the right thing, even though it was harder and more scary than doing what first came to mind?
- How many times have I wanted to give up, but instead called someone, or prayed, or simply persevered?
- How many times have I set aside my wants to be of service?
- How many times have I paid an obligation before buying something I wanted?
- How many times have I taken constructive criticism without becoming angry or resentful?
- How many jobs have I had since I got sober? How many girlfriends/boyfriends? Cars? Apartments or rooms?
- How many times have I dared to travel the road less traveled?
- How many times have I spoken up about something important, even though it might make me unpopular?
- How many times did I do what my mentors suggested, even though I didn't believe it would work?
- How many times did I seek out people rather than isolate?
- How many times have I given someone the benefit of the doubt when I thought they had wronged me?
- How many times have I prayed for people I really can't stand?
- How many times have I attempted to make an honest connection with another human being?
And the list can actually go on and on and on.
How long has it been since I had a drink of alcohol? 33 months and a couple of days, which is the longest stream of continuous sobriety I've experienced. That's great, wonderful, but the really miraculous part of that time is how many of those 'how many' questions I can answer positively.
I've already gotten through all of the hard days in my life, and I've survived! So the hardest day of my sobriety, and the only one that matters to me, is today. If I apply what I've learned along this journey, it'll be a great day. If I don't, and just stay home and do nothing, who knows?
Namasté,
Ken
Monday, January 15, 2018
Living an Inspired Life
When I began writing this blog (all three times), my sole intention was to journal for myself. That still is my sole intention; even if nobody else reads this, I get something out of writing it. When I started it around 4 years ago, one other person knew of its existence. Then a few people knew, and then a few more. Now I think 6 or 7 know about it (real human beings, that is - unfortunately, bots are aware of it, too. Bots are like the mosquitoes of cyberspace). Lately I've had the urge to express a few things in my blog for anybody that might be reading this, and today I responded to a FB post that confirmed I should express these things, and it really boils down to this: today, I am the person I am because of a number of things: heredity, environment, my desires, my disorders, my experiences, my Higher Power, the absolutely wonderful people in my life, the things I've learned, and the effort I've put forth.
There is a whole huge market out there for self-help and inspiration. I am grateful that I have a lot of hope and inspiration to give, but, lemme tell you, I'm like Robin Hood - I get it from those who got it and give it to those who need it. There's a line from an old (ooh, that hurts) movie called Paper Moon, in which Ryan O'Neal plays a grifter who finds some responsibility when he is given custody of his illegitimate daughter (played by Tatum O'Neal). Tatum becomes Ryan's moral compass, and at one point in the movie, they are arguing about some scam in which he's involved. Ryan says to her, "I got scruples, you know. Do you know what scruples are?" and she replies, "I may not know what they are, but I know if you got 'em, they used to belong to someone else!" I've always remembered that, and today it's one of the things that allows me at least enough humility to stay sane and sober.
The reason I mention it is this: I used to be the person who would read something inspirational - like a recovery story - and feel good about reading it, and want what that person had. And then I'd go back to doing whatever I was doing, so that nothing changed. Here's another one from someone else: Robert Bradshaw, who, in the 70's and 80's studied and wrote about toxic shame and relationships, said, "Most people would rather read about happiness rather than experience it." And it's true! I've read and read and read about great people, both famous and unknown, and listened to their stories and been inspired, and it's only been recently that I've begun to put into practice probably a sliver of what I've read and heard. A good case in point: I had a Christian upbringing, but I didn't really begin to study the words attributed to Jesus until 1993. When one studies, for themselves, the words of Jesus, one finds very useful teachings for living sanely in an insane world. But even after all that study, I didn't really begin to try to live what I had learned until a few years ago. Al Jolson said, "It takes 20 years to make an overnight success." I did not begin to experience success in any area of my life until I began to consistently apply the things I've learned through study and experience.
I have several people in my life who are heroes to me. Some are presently living, some aren't. Something that I have in common with all of my heroes - we all came into this world helpless, naked, and crying. Because my heroes are or were driven, either by an inside desire or outside circumstances, they all did or are doing something to make the world a better place. I have experienced great and profound unhappiness in much of my life, but I've also experienced humongous amounts of good. Presently the scale is tipped to the good side, for which I am extremely grateful. I experience miracles regularly nowadays, but the only thing that I can take credit for is consistently saying "yes" over the past couple of years to the life that's been presented to me rather than trying to avoid, escape, or simply read about it. I recognize that I sometimes am a hope and inspiration to others. That hope and inspiration I have received from many channels. But I have to pick it up and use it in order for it to do any good at all.
In this blog I share my experience. My opinions creep in, as well, but it's not about my opinions; it's about what happens when I use the tools I've 'borrowed' along the way. It takes a little bit of time to be inspired, either through reading or listening to the stories of others; it takes a lifetime of consistent practice to become an inspiration. But we all have it within us! We all came into this world helpless, naked, and crying.
Namaste,
Ken
There is a whole huge market out there for self-help and inspiration. I am grateful that I have a lot of hope and inspiration to give, but, lemme tell you, I'm like Robin Hood - I get it from those who got it and give it to those who need it. There's a line from an old (ooh, that hurts) movie called Paper Moon, in which Ryan O'Neal plays a grifter who finds some responsibility when he is given custody of his illegitimate daughter (played by Tatum O'Neal). Tatum becomes Ryan's moral compass, and at one point in the movie, they are arguing about some scam in which he's involved. Ryan says to her, "I got scruples, you know. Do you know what scruples are?" and she replies, "I may not know what they are, but I know if you got 'em, they used to belong to someone else!" I've always remembered that, and today it's one of the things that allows me at least enough humility to stay sane and sober.
The reason I mention it is this: I used to be the person who would read something inspirational - like a recovery story - and feel good about reading it, and want what that person had. And then I'd go back to doing whatever I was doing, so that nothing changed. Here's another one from someone else: Robert Bradshaw, who, in the 70's and 80's studied and wrote about toxic shame and relationships, said, "Most people would rather read about happiness rather than experience it." And it's true! I've read and read and read about great people, both famous and unknown, and listened to their stories and been inspired, and it's only been recently that I've begun to put into practice probably a sliver of what I've read and heard. A good case in point: I had a Christian upbringing, but I didn't really begin to study the words attributed to Jesus until 1993. When one studies, for themselves, the words of Jesus, one finds very useful teachings for living sanely in an insane world. But even after all that study, I didn't really begin to try to live what I had learned until a few years ago. Al Jolson said, "It takes 20 years to make an overnight success." I did not begin to experience success in any area of my life until I began to consistently apply the things I've learned through study and experience.
I have several people in my life who are heroes to me. Some are presently living, some aren't. Something that I have in common with all of my heroes - we all came into this world helpless, naked, and crying. Because my heroes are or were driven, either by an inside desire or outside circumstances, they all did or are doing something to make the world a better place. I have experienced great and profound unhappiness in much of my life, but I've also experienced humongous amounts of good. Presently the scale is tipped to the good side, for which I am extremely grateful. I experience miracles regularly nowadays, but the only thing that I can take credit for is consistently saying "yes" over the past couple of years to the life that's been presented to me rather than trying to avoid, escape, or simply read about it. I recognize that I sometimes am a hope and inspiration to others. That hope and inspiration I have received from many channels. But I have to pick it up and use it in order for it to do any good at all.
In this blog I share my experience. My opinions creep in, as well, but it's not about my opinions; it's about what happens when I use the tools I've 'borrowed' along the way. It takes a little bit of time to be inspired, either through reading or listening to the stories of others; it takes a lifetime of consistent practice to become an inspiration. But we all have it within us! We all came into this world helpless, naked, and crying.
Namaste,
Ken
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