Miracles Happen

Two days ago I sold my car. On December 1st I earned a DUI, so my license is suspended until the case is determined, and I needed the money, so why not? I received $2400 cash. That's not the miracle - I probably could've gotten a bit more, as there were at least 40 hits on my FB ad. I wanted to have an auction! Here's where the miracle starts - I met with the first person who responded, and he bought the car. As it turns out he is in recovery from heroin addiction for 5 years, and we had a lot to talk about as we drove around Waukesha. (By the way, for anybody who cares, the accent on Waukesha is on the first syllable, not the second - it's WAU kee shaw). The miracle completes with what I didn't do. I had $2400 cash in hand, and what I would've done without a doubt some years ago is fly to Vegas and go on a killer bender. I did not do that. I put the money in the bank and wrote checks to people to whom I owe money. Miracles aren't always flashy.

Miracles are personal. We can observe someone else's miracle, but we can't experience it. I can observe a miraculous healing in someone else, but I don't get to experience it until the healing happens in me.

When I was a member of Unity Church of Christianity, I heard often that Jesus wasn't the exception, He was the example. Jesus discovered His oneness with God (Source) and His oneness with all of Creation - this is why He could seemingly manipulate circumstances and produce miracles. Some will tell you that Jesus didn't perform miracles - He simply saw what was possible in people, and people who had faith in Him responded accordingly.

Take the paralyzed fellow who was laying by the pool of Bethesda for 38 years waiting for someone to help him in while the waters were roiled. Jesus asked him if he'd like to be healed, and the man explained his situation, so Jesus said, "Not a problem!", and nudged the man with His foot so he rolled into the pool and he was healed! Sometimes we just need a little nudge! But what the Bible says happened (John 5:1-9) is that Jesus told him to take up his mat and walk, and the man did so - he was healed. Jesus had the ability to see past appearances, and know the Truth - that God is in us all, and all things are possible with God. The man at the pool had the miracle in him all along, he just needed a little nudge from someone in whom he had faith.

And that's what we need in recovery from mental illness and addiction - someone who believes in us and in whom we can believe. We don't recover by accident. 

Miracles are extraordinary - outside of the ordinary - events. The person who lives after receiving a death sentence from their doctor. The homeless person who meets 'by chance' the right person on the street who sets him on the path to homefulness. The person who recovers from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body, and ends up staying sober for the rest of their life. The person whose life is destroyed by mental illness, finds ways to recover, and ends up with a better life than they had before. All of us in recovery have experienced a miracle - the unfortunate fact is that most people who become alcoholic will remain alcoholic until the end of their lives, so recovery is definitely an extraordinary event - a miracle. It doesn't mean that those who don't recover can't experience the miracle, it just means they haven't yet. All of us, when we develop the ability to look past or above appearances, can experience miracles. It takes faith, courage, and an open mind.

I am fortunate today. I believe things can be different. I believe I can be different. I have the faith, the courage, and the open, expectant mind to receive miracles in my life. I look past the mountain of debt; I look past my history; I look to the angels in my life, and I look forward to a clean, sane life filled with joy and purpose. And so it is! Thank you God!

Namasté,

Ken

The Challenge of Self-Care

In my last post, The Challenge of Medication, I discussed issues surrounding taking prescribed pharmaceutical medication. A few people sent me comments, letting me know how much medication has helped in their lives for their medical conditions, and the consensus is that the Universe has provided us with many options for treating what ails us. I'm not going to counter that, because it is true.

Again, the reason I'm linking this post, The Challenge of Self-Care, with The Challenge of Medication is twofold: taking prescribed medication is part of self-care, and, as I mentioned in the last post, medication is more effective for any health condition when combined with other healthy living habits (self-care).

Self-care is just what it sounds like - taking care of ourselves. It is taking care of ourselves physically, mentally/emotionally, and spiritually. It is making sure that we are as fit as possible in all those areas. Books can be and have been written on taking care of ourselves; in this post, I'm going to write a little about what it looks like and write a little about my own challenges with practicing self-care.

Physically, self-care is doing things to optimize our physical health. Basically, it includes diet, exercise, and sleep; however, it may also include changing our habits if we use tobacco, alcohol and/or other drugs, if we're overweight or underweight, if we have medical conditions such as heart disease or diabetes, if we get stressed out at work, or overwork, or if we get too little or too much sleep. Self-care is individual, and if a person wants to pay more attention to their self-care, honest self-appraisal is necessary.

Physical self-care also includes a person's living and working environments. Having a home that is neat and clean is a lot more enjoyable and healthy than living in clutter and/or filth. A person may feel they live in a neighborhood that is not conducive to good health - there may be crime, or it may be near a factory that gives off constant noise. Some people love living in the city, while others prefer a more bucolic setting. The same things go with the work environment - do I enjoy going into work, or do I dread going into work?

Mentally and emotionally self-care looks like adding things to our lives that enrich our minds and give us emotional balance while letting go of things and people that detract from our mental/emotional health. There is a wide range of things someone can do to improve their mental and emotional health. Someone may want to learn more, or learn something new, so they enroll in school. Someone may find they spend more time on the internet than they'd like, so they look for ways to decrease their amount of screen time. Another person may feel that they have some toxic relationships, and would like to let those go and possibly find more enriching and supportive relationships.

Spiritually, self-care is about having a sense of purpose and/or connection. Again, this is a very individual thing. Do I feel like my life has meaning, or am I just going through the motions, trying to get through each day the best that I can until I die? Do I feel connected, either to my friends and/or family, my community, the world, or the Universe? Do I have values that guide my actions, and do I know what my beliefs are? If someone were to ask me what was most important in my life, would I be able to tell them without hesitation? Some people use organized religion as a part of their spiritual self-care; others of us prefer to walk a more solitary path, and yet others do not recognize religion or spirituality at all. However, I hope it would be rare to find a person who has no connection to others, or has no guiding purpose. Spirituality is about those things, connections, values, beliefs, and purpose, that we can't see, touch, smell, etc. It's about the bonds we create in our lives and the things we do that contribute to our own peace and the happiness of those around us.

After reading the preceding four paragraphs, one might rightfully come to the conclusion that self-care is a bit more than turning off the TV at a reasonable time or cutting red meat out of our diets; for me, it's about examining how I'm living and thinking and deciding what I'd like to change, and what I can change, in each of those areas listed above. Self-care is also dynamic - as we grow and age, our needs change. The way we live at 20 years old probably doesn't fit too well when we're 50 years old!

As promised, here are my challenges surrounding self-care (and maybe some of your challenges, too!):

1.  I haven't, through the years, developed a firm sense of purpose for myself. It's firming up lately, but my life has been a cycle of depression, drinking, recovery, depression, drinking, recovery for so long that I never really got to the business of living.

2.  People pleasing - I've gotten a lot better regarding this, but most of my life has been about seeking the approval of others. This has given me the habit of you first, me last. That might seem very selfless and admirable, but it's not. Because I don't take care of myself very well, I'm not really giving you my best. If I can reverse that and say, "Me first, you next," then you're going to get a lot more good stuff from me. 

We live in a society where self-sacrifice is admirable. If we can put in 60 hours at work, that often looks better than if we find ways to become more efficient and do 60 hours worth of work in 40 hours (or less!). We constantly need more money and more time so we can buy bigger houses and newer cars, all in the name of 'providing for our families'. Perhaps what our families really need is a little more time and attention from us, not our paychecks.

3.  My own fear of success. Crappy though it is, I've actually gotten used to the cycle of failure that I've been living. I understand at an intellectual level that I'm not living up to my potential, that I could be putting a lot more into this lifetime if I were to ramp up my self-care habits, especially in the spiritual area; however, success is unfamiliar to me and scary. I'm pretty sure that I cannot consistently grow to my potential until I find a mentor who has what I want and can guide me. I can also use a lot more willingness on my part.

4.  My lack of self-esteem. This is getting better - self-esteem builds on self-esteem, but again, progress is slow, and seemingly fragile. I'd like to think that I take setbacks, like losing my jobs, in stride, but, pretty obviously, I don't. But lack of self-esteem generates an 'I don't care' attitude, to where I don't necessarily care if my health is shitty or I live in a pigsty, so long as I do #2 above and make sure that I appear to be living ok.

So that's a lot of stuff in one blog post, but I felt compelled to write about where I'm at with the self-care stuff. Right now I'm trying to behave as if my life matters and I know it. My hope is that soon it will be very genuine and from the heart. I'm trying.

Namasté,

Ken

The Challenge of Medication

I'm currently in an outpatient treatment program, and have a new psychiatrist. He's a good psychiatrist; he possesses one of the most important yet rare traits a good physician can possess - he knows how to listen. At any rate, after many questions regarding my life and my condition, he has prescribed 4 medications for me. This is the greatest amount of medications I've ever been on at one time in my life, and it presents a challenge for me.

If you've read the white space in my blog, you might know that deep down, I want to be dependent only upon the Christ Presence within - that is, the unique individuation of the Universe that I Am. I'm not there yet. 

During this current outpatient treatment, I'm not only releasing my dependency upon alcohol, I'm releasing my dependency upon nicotine and pseudoephedrine, an over-the-counter (but controlled) nasal decongestant and antihistamine. It's mood-altering because of its stimulant properties and it seems to be habit forming, at least for me. Pseudoephedrine is also one of the ingredients used to make methamphetamine. I suppose caffeine and sugar are next on the chopping block - they're both mood-altering for me.

So I may be sober, but not really, because I still rely upon substances to get through life, to get through the way I feel. And my good doctor is telling me, "Get off of that stuff (the stuff that in the long run no longer works and will make me sick or kill me) and get on this stuff (the stuff that is sold by pharmaceutical companies and works today and doesn't make me sick yet)." 

And this is the challenge: I know deep down that the chemical and culinary methods I've been using to stay sane don't work to well anymore (if at all) and I don't have a lot of faith that the medication regimen that I'm on now will work forever and ever, and I don't want to get hooked into the pharmaceutical merry-go-round, which really isn't all that merry. Added to this challenge is the fact that on my current regimen of medications, I'm feeling better than I have in a long, long, time, if ever. I was walking today in the frigid weather, and I was making up a song, out loud, as I walked! It's been years and years since I've done that! And there's a lot of other stuff happening in my life that indicates the cloud is lifting.

The clouds might lift, but they always seem to be waiting in the wings to return (that's depressing, isn't it?). So what's the answer to the challenge that I'm feeling great now, but because of the temporary nature of solutions that originate from outside of me, I'm bound to fall again? I believe the answer is in proper self care along with putting first my recovery and learning to live, not just know, my connection with the Universe. All the answers are hidden within; my task, while I'm feeling weller, is to go within and earnestly seek. In this way, I will know what to do when the medications' effects begin to wane. 

In the next post, The Challenge of Self-Care (which will be linked just as soon as it's written), I'll discuss how I might go about developing habits which reduce the need for chemical relief from life.

Namasté,

Ken

Morning Manifesto 1/10

Thank You Source for another day to move closer to a true realization of my Oneness with You. As I move through this day, I commit to be of service to You and my fellows here on Earth. Thank You for granting me all I need and more to do Your will today.

As I move through today, show me what I need to do for myself to make me of maximum service to You and others. Grant me the courage to put You and me first - to treat my body and mind as a temple, and to nourish my Spirit with prayer and meditation. Show me how to be strong and steadfast in Your service.

Remind me today to look past appearances, and, like Mother Teresa, to look for you in all who come into my presence and my consciousness, knowing that You really are there. Also, teach me today what a precious bit of Creation I really am, despite what my brain might say to me. Let me grow this day into the realization that I am Your Beloved, and guide me every moment toward this realization.

I trust in You with all my heart, and lean not on my own understanding. I acknowledge You in all situations, knowing you guide me on my path. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Today, through Your Love, strength, courage, and wisdom, I, like Winston Churchill, will never, never, never give up!

And so it is!

Namasté,

Ken

The Joys of Therapy

I am resuming therapy next week to address my recent relapse and the issues that caused it. I'm looking forward to it; the work I was able to do the last time I was in therapy really was life-changing (for the better) for me. 

It occurred to me as I was thinking about it this afternoon that there is probably still a lot of stigma surrounding therapy for mental or emotional health. We, as a society, have no difficulty with going to physical, cardiac, or respiratory therapy; but often our collective heads go down in shame when we talk about going to therapy to improve our mental and emotional health. This is unnecessary, and probably harmful. Therapy can provide improvement in marriages, in parenting, in work life, in social life, and the ripple effect is that improved mental health usually results in improved physical health (thus lowering medical costs overall - learning ways to deal with stress through therapy is tons cheaper than open-heart surgery, and a lot safer too!). Therapy can also result in improved societal health - less drug abuse, spouse abuse, less crime in general - meaning that our police and emergency services are less taxed and better able to serve us. So, I'm not really seeing a downside here.

Stigma results from lack of knowledge, so I'm going to share the little bit that I know about therapy, mainly from my own latest experience. Again, people go to therapists for all sorts of reasons - certainly, therapy is warranted for past trauma that has not healed, or recent trauma, and of course individuals use therapy to manage chronic mental health conditions. Other reasons for going might be common life issues, such as couples' counseling, or parenting issues. There are also major change of life issues such as grief therapy or divorce therapy. Folks might go after retiring in order to find a new life purpose, and people go to learn how to deal emotionally with diseases such as cancer, or chronic diseases such as MS or fibromyalgia.  One doesn't need to be 'kooky' or 'weird' to seek the advice of a professional; one simply needs a desire to improve the quality of their life.

What happens in a therapist's office? This varies widely, depending upon the specialty of the therapist. Generally, 1:1 therapy lasts 50 minutes (a therapist's 'hour'). You and your therapist will probably set some goals that you determine, and then each session will be spent discussing issues that come up relating to your goals. A good therapist will allow the client to steer the boat, within certain parameters. A good therapist also spends more time asking questions and listening, rather than talking. A good therapist draws the answers out from their clients.  A therapist uses the therapy in which they are trained to guide their client toward their goals. In my opinion, if one's therapist is content to listen to a client ramble on for 50 minutes each week or however often, rehashing the same stuff over and over, that client would be better off talking to a bartender (unless you have an alcohol problem) - it'd be cheaper and you'd get the same results.

In Wisconsin, and probably all 50 states, everything said in the confines of the therapist's office is confidential, except if you have plans to harm yourself, someone else, or you are discussing child/elder abuse that you are perpetrating.

There are different levels of licensing for therapists and counselors. I'm not familiar enough with them all to list them here; however, a person can contact a counseling center and ask who would be best to help them with attaining their goals. There are many ways to find a counselor or therapist - through word of mouth, one's insurance company, one's county's Health & Human Services, or on the internet. The tough part can be finding one with whom one clicks. A person need not be afraid of 'shopping' - if a therapist is offended because you're not a good match, they're not a good therapist. This is your life, and your money - a therapist works for the client.

I'm looking forward to rejoining therapy - it's nice to be able to talk about things without embarrassment and know that they'll be left in that person's office, and I'm ready for moving life to a new level.

Namasté,

Ken 

Social Media and My Recovery

Social media (Facebook, Twitter, blogs, YouTube, etc.) is a wonderful development in my life, but, like anything in my life, I can use it skillfully or unskillfully. I was first on Facebook several years back, and deleted my account fairly soon after I opened it - I found I became very judgmental, and when I made a snarky comment to a friend in response to their post, I decided to get off of Facebook. I saw that I was being consumed by my friends' lives, and something told me that wasn't very helpful to me.

Two years ago I got back on Facebook. Besides this blog and YouTube, Facebook is the only social media I use (I think - I use so much internet technology it's sometimes hard to tell how 'out there' I am). I'm going to write mainly about Facebook, since that particular medium soaks up the majority of my time. 

I won't lie - Facebook this time around has made a tremendous impact upon my life. I have 'friends' in 6 of the 7 continents. It has opened me up to information and people and ideas I might not have ever known without Facebook. I've found another area of spiritual support through Facebook, and I have been challenged to look at what I believe and the way I think through the posts I've explored.

I'm listing some ways I've discovered Facebook to be helpful and harmful to my recovery by listing 'skillful' and 'unskillful' ways I've used it, with the unskillful ways first. Please note that these aren't "do's and don't's" for me - I'm not perfect, and waver between skillful and unskillful every time I'm on the computer or my phone. This is simply what I've discovered so far that seems to work and not work for me.

Unskillful

• Making assumptions about peoples' lives as well as comparing myself to others by what I read on Facebook. Even though people tend to share a lot more (sometimes too much!) about their lives than ever before, I must remember that what I see on Facebook is still just a snippet of someone. Some people share what they feel is going wrong in their lives, some people share what they feel is going right, some people share only their children or pets, and some people don't share at all and comment only on others' posts. Nobody, me included, shares everything (even in this blog). Still the best way to get to know someone is to sit down with them and spend some time with them.
• Sharing my political opinions on Facebook. Opinions are like buttholes - everyone has them and they all stink. But, seriously, for me, there are a few things that aren't good for me about sharing my political opinion:
• I've found that it's not my path to share political views. If I go by the number of responses to posts I've made with political views versus the number of other posts I've made, I can tell most people aren't interested in my political opinions.
• I've also discovered that, since I really don't research too deeply into any political issue, my comments about political issues parrot one side or the other and aren't very insightful or useful to anyone.
• My role in life is a helper, a person of service to my Higher Power and my fellows. Sharing my political opinions is not only not helpful to that role, it can actually detract from it by alienating people with strong opinions opposite mine. If I can be of service to you, it doesn't matter (for the most part) what your orientation of any type is to me.
• Reading posts that are intended only to inflame. Related to sharing my political or other irrelevant opinions, reading posts that are intended to rile or inflame rather than inform is not good for my mental health. Imagine sitting down for a nice enjoyable session at the computer only to read stuff that riles me up and evaporates my peace of mind - not good for my recovery, so why do it? I've un-followed people for whom the majority of their posts is inflaming political rhetoric (and memes) whether I agree with them or not! My peace of mind is of utmost importance to me and my recovery; most posts that inflame me give me 'information' that I can do nothing about, so there's no good point to exposing myself to them.
• Spending too much time on Facebook. I don't know what is the correct amount of time to spend on Facebook and other social media; however, I think I spend too much time on it. Some ways to tell when I'm spending too much time on Facebook:
• When I'm looking for you or other posters to entertain me. Sometimes I scroll and scroll and scroll looking for something to pique my interest or fill that hole inside. It's time to get off and do something else.
• When I'm procrastinating. Sometimes I have things that would be better for me to do - like the dishes - but I instead engage with Facebook.
• When I let social media keep me up later than is healthy. Sometimes I do personal YouTube concerts for two hours or more. I like them; I'm not sure how helpful they are.
• When I do Facebook first thing in the morning, before anything else. My belief is the first things to do in the morning that are best for me are those things that align me with my Higher Power and Higher purpose.
• Decreased social interactions. This is preferable to my introvert personality, but detrimental to the whole me. My last post was about feeling again, and since I put it out to the Universe that I'd like to start feeling again, I imagine my social interactions will increase,  because those feelings I want to feel again are often caused by messy real human interactions.

Skillful

• Choosing my path on Facebook. No matter what Mark Zuckerberg's intentions are for Facebook, and no matter what one might hear, an individual does have a great deal of choice about what appears on their Facebook feed. Here are some of my choices:
• Comedy - I enjoy a good laugh, and laughter is healthy. I had to go through a few humor pages until I found one that was funny without bashing anybody (for the most part).
• Peaceful - I un-followed some of my friends who prefer posting about weapons and the glory of war and such - not my thing.
• Grateful - somehow, I got linked up with a group called The Gratitude Circle. I think this group, more than any other, has had an influential part in my life.
• Spiritual - I chose groups that seem to align with the path I'm on, or groups that seem to be where I'd like to be.
• Recovery Oriented - I've joined groups that are filled with others in recovery in order to garner new ideas about recovery and share in others' experiences.
• Connection. I feel connected to some of my friends whom I've never met. This is a double-edged sword, as it would be good for me to have closer physical connections, but, on the other side of it, it's good for me to have connections at all, and the people with whom I'm friends are real people, even if I can't hug them.
• Healing relationships. Through Facebook, and Divine Providence, I think, I was able to re-connect with my two siblings and some other relatives with whom I had broken off communications some years ago. In addition, I've discovered some relatives I didn't know existed.
• Personal healing.  This blog and my interactions on Facebook have given me a medium that I can use to explore myself. I don't know that I can explain it any more than that.
• Expanding my horizons. As I've mentioned, I have friends on 6 of the 7 continents, and they're a diverse bunch. Facebook allows me to get a broader view of humanity without having to leave my apartment.
• YouTube. It was pointed out to me that the average US individual has more entertainment at their fingertips than kings and queens did just a couple of centuries ago. There is a wealth of free stuff on YouTube - from meditations, to music, to instructional videos on how to fix my car. All of these have enriched my life.

I chose to write about recovery and social media because of the impact it has had on me. It's important in recovery to pay attention to what we ingest - not only physically, but also mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I'm grateful that I have these tools in my life, and I'm glad I've been led to use them wisely. I will keep social media as long as it exists and helps me grow in my recovery.

Namasté,

Ken

Learning to Feel Again - Safely

I was a sensitive child. I felt things strongly, but I did not learn how to skillfully deal with the things I felt. In my teens, I learned that alcohol and some prescription drugs would effectively squelch the feelings I felt. If alcohol and drugs still worked, I'd still be using them; however, in my early twenties I began to recognize that my use of alcohol and drugs were causing problems with other people in my life, and, being addicted to people pleasing at that time, I chose to try to quit drinking. That did nothing for the feelings that I did not know how to control (and I never sought help for the way I felt, probably because I felt like the way I felt was 'wrong', and was ashamed of feeling. Now if that's not messed up!). In the early years of attempting sobriety, I turned into a binge drinker - I would stay sober for a period of time until I just couldn't take it any more, and I would drink until I couldn't anymore.

During my dry periods, I did learn methods for avoiding emotions fairly well. I'm a good actor, and I acted as if I had no feelings when I needed to do so.  That had adverse effects - there were times when it seemed I also had no conscience.  I didn't lose my conscience; it simply became subdued along with my feelings. 

Depression can come about due to oppression or suppression of one's expression. I have not been oppressed by anybody or anything (except myself) since I left prison in April of 2002 (and even that type of oppression I invited upon myself). I have, however, continued to suppress and cover up what's really in my heart.  Generalized anxiety disorder - that anxiety that comes about for no other reason than to just be there - also comes from the suppression of emotions.

So, suppression of my emotions leads to depression, emotional death, sickness, and lack of success. I cannot suppress only the feelings I do not like - sadness, hurt, grief - without suppressing the feelings I do like - love, joy, happiness, connection, passion. In order to live a vibrant, abundant life, I need to be able to feel those good-feeling emotions, and, in order to do that, I must learn how to feel and safely deal with those not-so-good feeling feelings.

One might rightfully ask, "How do you have the career you have if you don't feel?" I do feel. I feel empathy and sympathy, and I feel a connection with those who are going through the same things that I am. But I know I don't feel as deeply as I could. I did not lose my job because I'm crappy at it; quite the opposite, I'm very good at it. I lost my job because I failed to show up at work for 3 days without calling in because I was too busy with my suicidal binge. 

So I do feel, but I feel minimally. There are moments, and sometimes days, when I believe I could turn my back on the whole world forever and not regret it one bit. There are times when I feel as if I could disappear, even though I have a great life with lots of people in it who love me.

That's what I want to feel - I cognitively know life is good, but I'm not feeling it, so I'm going to embark on this journey of re-awakening my emotional self and learn to deal with what comes up.  Scary shit, right?

I have work-arounds to help me deal with some feelings, but they don't always work. A work-around is a coping skill that isn't. It's a half-assed measure to avoid or escape what's going on without facing it and dealing with it. Some of my work-arounds for not feeling are avoiding people, places and events that make me feel uncomfortable, and avoiding forming deep relationships with other human beings. I can tell when people and things are getting too close!  I get that urge to escape, and if there's nowhere to escape, I implode. Not fun.

I am fortunate that nowadays I'm associated with some others who are challenged with strong emotions and feelings, and I've learned that there are ways to not only deal with it, but learn to harness the sensitivity and use it in a positive way. The problem is not feeling too much, the problem is, not understanding that there are positive ways of living with feelings and emotions. I have begun the process of re-opening my emotional body and learning to work with it instead of against it. This process is physical, behavioral, mental, spiritual, and, of course, emotional.

I'm getting into this and feeling like I could write a book on it, and I don't want to write a book today, so I'll give a thumbnail sketch:

Physically and behaviorally, I must discover those drugs, foods, and behaviors that I indulge in to assuage my feelings and begin to avoid them, while at the same time experiencing and embracing the feelings I'm trying to avoid (emotionally). Additionally, I've learned a practice called TRE® which allows me to release memories and traumas that are stored in the physical body. There are other methods as well, such as acupressure, acupuncture, various types of yoga, EFT, guided meditation, and others. Exercising regularly, especially aerobic exercise, also helps me stay grounded physically.

Mentally, I can use the skills I learned in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) to re-frame how I approach feelings on a cognitive level. CBT gives me a chance to stop the automatic thinking and automatic reactions so that I may approach my life in a rational and reasonable way. I can mentally wrap my head around, "I am feeling hurt - I do not need to run from hurt; I can acknowledge it, embrace it and feel it, thank it, and let it go." Thank it? Yes - our feelings tell us our preferences, and if I ignore my feelings, I essentially ignore who I am. Another therapy that I've heard works well for people who are challenged by their feeling is DBT, or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. I might check that out - it sounds promising. I am also learning to meditate, and there are many, many ways to meditate and tools that help. Meditation helps to ground me mentally and physically, and some forms of meditation allow me to go within to discover what really makes me tick. 

Spiritually and emotionally, I can improve my connection with Spirit through prayer and meditation, and I can also practice forgiveness. It's important for me to understand that those events in the past that caused me to shut down my feelings were not meant to hurt me, but to teach me compassion and understanding. Whoever or whatever hurt me came from their own brokenness. Prayer and meditation grounds me emotionally, helps me to feel safe, and allows me to go back and reclaim parts of myself I have lost over the years. There are also grounding skills that can be learned that allow me to protect myself in a healthy way when I'm in an uncomfortable space as well as allow me to be fully open when I'm in a safe space.

Some of these things I can do on my own, and some I need assistance and support. I'm grateful today that I either have what I need to accomplish my endeavor, or know that it's on its way.

I have the desire and willingness to become fully alive again. I know that I could go the rest of my life the way I am today, but I don't believe life is about waking up, going to work, and dying. I believe today that life is meant to be fully experienced, and the greatest part of that experience is feeling it, even if sometimes the feeling it isn't fun.  I desire to have a passion for living and a love for myself that I'm not yet experiencing; today I know it's possible, and I know what I need to do to get there.

I forgot to mention - how do I start this process? How do I start to feel again? Simply by becoming willing and open and receptive, the Universe will provide me with all I need to start feeling again - the people, places, and situations.

Namasté,

Ken