Grand Canyon

 

I visited the Grand Canyon (Arizona, USA) last week with two friends of mine. It's been 29 or 30 years since I last visited the Grand Canyon. At that time I was with my then-girlfriend and her two young boys. We had flown to Phoenix to visit her brother in Paradise Valley, and drove up to the Grand Canyon for an overnight visit. It was then, driving through Arizona, that I decided I would one day live in Arizona. And here I am!

This excursion was vastly different than my experience 3 decades ago. First, even though I was sober on the last trip, too, I'm in a completely different head space (good thing!) and heart space than I was back then. Second, there were no rambunctious boys in our party on this trip, so we went down into the canyon! 

I went with 2 friends, a couple, in recovery. My female friend led the excursion, as she is an avid hiker, and very adventuresome. A couple of nights before we went, she mentioned she was going, and I got excited and invited myself. The next day I realized I might have been a bit pushy, so I apologized and let her off the hook. She said I could come anyway!

It's about a 3 hour drive from Prescott, and we left in the evening. On the way there, we stopped to admire the sunset:

This picture was taken at a place called Hell's Canyon. There is also a swimming/fishing hole there, and some sort of large concrete structure that might be intended for flood abatement, but is currently only used for graffiti. 

We stopped at a free campsite near the Grand Canyon. My understanding is that there are a lot of free camping areas in Arizona. These do not have facilities. Our leader lent me her one-person hiking tent, which was really cool. It is basically a screen tent, so I could sleep under the stars without the bugs. It does come with a rain fly if needed. I brought along my sleeping bag and yoga mat, hoping it would be enough to keep me comfortable. It wasn't. In the morning I realized it would have been smart to gather up all the pine needles in the area to create a soft base onto which to pitch the tent. Live and learn. I also brought along a headlight (a very bright light one actually wears on their head) which I usually use for night biking. It came in handy and facilitated setting up the tents. 

With everybody snug in their respective tents, I tried to fall asleep. Realizing that that wasn't going to happen for awhile, I looked up at the brilliant night sky. I haven't seen the night sky without ambient light pollution for a long time, so it was quite a treat! I wasn't upset that I couldn't get to sleep; I just relaxed my mind and enjoyed the experience. Everything on this trip was so awesome and first-time, it wasn't hard for me to stay engaged in the moment, whether I needed some rest or not.

One of the things that did come to mind - our leader had planned for us to do a 9-mile hike with a 3000' elevation at the Canyon. I got to thinking about that, and on a good day on flat level pavement, walking 9 miles isn't very appealing to me. I resolved to set aside my fear of appearing old and out of shape and talk with her and her SO about it in the morning. The next morning I talked with my traveling companions, expressing my concerns, and even offered to do other stuff around the park while they went hiking. We all decided that the 9 miler was a bit ambitious, and opted instead for a 6 mile, 1500' elevation hike. I bring this up because it's something relatively new for me to express how I feel or what I think if it involves me possibly appearing less-than. As it turned out, we were all pretty much in the same physical shape, even though my companions are a few years younger than me. Well, ok, a lot of years younger. 

So we de-camped, packed up, and headed to the park. I was surprisingly awake and energetic for the amount of actual sleep I got. It is true that if one can't sleep, just being quiet and resting does have value. We stopped for breakfast, loaded up on water, and headed for the Canyon.

I was quite surprised at how the Grand Canyon has grown since I last visited it! Actually, what happened, is the last time I visited, I had a very small, narrow mind, and the visual memory that always surfaced whenever I thought about the Canyon was very small compared to how large it actually is. I was speaking with another friend about our trip, and he said every time he goes there, he is amazed at its enormity.

And then, as we began our trek, I realized I've retained very few memories about my original trip, and some of them aren't that good. This experience was turning out to be totally different - so much so, the two experiences aren't really comparable, other than 30 years ago I happened to occupy the same geographical space. 

Time for another pic:

So, we began the descent. I let my two companions lead the way so I could go slower, if needed, and so that I could take pictures. Now, of course, we don't go straight down (although that would be quicker); the trail has a lot of switchbacks. As I think I mentioned before, walking is not my favorite thing; bicycling is. I am a novice hiker - this is the 2nd hike I've taken in Arizona. I experienced some anxiety at the beginning of the hike, and it wasn't unwarranted. Hiking is risky business! I often experience a bit of anxiety before going on a long bicycle ride, because that has its risks, too. In bicycling, the anxiety leaves quickly because of the chemicals produced through the exercise. Here, it didn't dissipate as quickly, but it did leave. I was there for the overall experience, not just the hiking aspect, so it really didn't matter too much. 

This is a picture from near the bottom of our particular trail. We didn't go quite to the end, but rested here for awhile. Here, and during the whole hike, we talked about a lot of things. For some moments, we sat in the silence, surrounded by the canyon walls. In these moments, I felt that I could hear the silence - it seemed palpable. The experience was indescribably beautiful and awe-inspiring. There was nowhere else I needed or desired to be in those moments except where I was at with the people whom I was with. I haven't had such a deep experience of serenity in a long time, if ever.

Then, we began the climb back up. O.M.G! I began huffing and puffing almost immediately, and at first I felt embarrassed, because my breathing was very audible. Then I realized we were all having difficulty with the climb back up, and I felt better. I imagine I couldn't hear my friends' breathing because mine was so loud. Here I was met with the challenge I experience on almost all of my longer bike rides - and which I now actually enjoy - something inside of me wants to give up. But I can't! I mustn't! I can make it! And hitting the SOS button on our leader's GPS is too embarrassing! But, yeah, when you go down, you HAVE to go back up.

So, we stopped and rested several times on the way up. I'm sure it was easier because we were doing it together. And we were aided a little bit by light rain and a cool breeze. But we made it! And I made a commitment to more aerobic exercise to improve my cardiovascular stamina.

Takeaways 

Even with pictures accompanying my words, I have done a poor job of describing the immense positive impact this less-than 24 hour excursion had and still has on me, my recovery, and my spirituality. 

Perhaps the biggest miracle for me is how comfortable I felt being with my new friends. They really are good people with huge hearts, and, aside from a few brief moments already mentioned, I had no problem with being myself around them. I had no anxiety about adventuring with them, I felt no need to impress. I was just myself, and that was more than good enough. There was no competition, and we seemed to move in unity. It really was the most simple, pure experience of friendship I've ever felt in my life. 

Another big takeaway is the kind of spiritual experience produced being in the Grand Canyon. It's an experience that is still with me, in my heart. It brings tears to my eyes when I think about it. I haven't, in the past, experienced a lot of awe and wonder (except maybe to wonder how I managed to survive this long). I feel like I could explore the Grand Canyon for the rest of my life and never tire of it's beauty, wonder, and mystery. This coming from a guy who a year ago didn't really believe there was anything more to experience from life.

And last, at least for now, is you know I didn't plan this. I jumped on an opportunity, an impromptu road trip because it sounded like it could be fun and I haven't been out of Prescott for awhile. It's another miracle that for the first time in my life I am actually enjoying my life. I'm liking it. I'm loving it. Somewhere in the last year I finally surrendered - I stopped struggling, I stopped trying to find ways to make this life tolerable - and in letting go of what I thought my life should be like, I've received an even better life than I could have possibly imagined. And, as an old friend always says, it just keeps getting better and better.

Thank you for reading, and thank you my friends for who you are and your friendship, and thank you my Creator for never giving up on me, even when I did.

Namasté,

Ken

Breaking It Down

 My store director notified me 2 days ago that he had put me in for a merit raise. Wonderful! How much doesn't matter because, if you read my post Priceless, you'll know that I couldn't possibly be paid in dollars and cents what I'm truly worth (neither could you). But I am very grateful to receive a direct affirmation that I am appreciated where I work. I noticed, however, that I had mixed feelings about the news - I felt good that I'm being noticed and my work is appreciated, but I also felt some guilt, and I thought, "Why should I feel guilty?" So I decided to break it down. 

I've written recently about discovering that what was keeping me in a depressed mood or vibe most of the time can be called my Attributional Style - that I was living with the belief that everything 'bad' that was going on in my life was the result of me being a bad person, and that if something good happened to happen, it was a fluke, and I would surely screw it up. With that attributional style, it's difficult, if not impossible, to get out of depression. So what I'm learning to do is to break things down, and look at events, my thinking, and my feelings individually so that I can see if they really fit who I am or who I want to become. In other words, I turned off the autopilot and started to fly manually more often to see if I might end up at a different destination.

So this incident at work, my receiving word that my name was put in for a raise, and the subsequent mixed feelings, gave me the perfect opportunity to break things down and see where my feelings were coming from. (At the end of this post, I'll share what could have happened if I hadn't broken it down).

The question came to me, "Why do I feel guilty about receiving a raise?" and the answer is, I don't. I show up at work, usually on time, I've never called in, I'm honest, I do what is asked of me and more always to the best of my ability, and I'm good at what I do, I'm pleasant to be around, and I have a positive (outward) attitude, and occasionally I offer helpful suggestions. I deserve a merit raise, based on my performance. Ok, so where are the guilt feelings coming from? 

There were two places from which the guilty feelings stemmed. The first is that I know my own inner thinking, and I think it needs improvement. I'm not happy with some corporate policies that I think make my job more difficult or frustrating. I'm not happy that I think the store's (and maybe corporate's) management is short sighted, and is pennywise and pound-foolish. I'm not happy that I believe some of my co-workers don't give a shit about doing a good job. I'm grateful I'm not an outward complainer (most of the time), but I know that much of my thinking while I'm working takes away from my effectiveness - so that I am not the best worker that I possibly could be. However, I am doing my work to change this aspect of myself, and I am improving. There is no reason to feel guilty about having a bad inner attitude so long as I'm working to improve.

The second reason I was experiencing guilt was because I am not planning at working for my employer forever. I am currently in the process of becoming a certified Peer Specialist again - I'm aiming at employment that is a better utilization of my gifts and skills. And I'm not ungrateful for working where I am - despite my shitty-at-times thinking, I'm very grateful for the huge opportunity that has been given me by my current employer! But, most important, my store director knows of my plans - I've asked off for the 2 weeks of training in May, and I've spoken with him directly about my plans. So he knows - if he wants to give me more money despite the fact that I won't be there forever, who am I to say no? I'm not deceiving him in the least. So there's no reason to feel guilty.

Ok, a quick paragraph or two about guilt and shame, because I think the following points can't be driven home enough. Guilt is bad feelings about what I've done, or am doing, and shame is bad feelings about who I am. Both are negative states of consciousness, but guilt can be used in a positive way, whereas shame is useless (in my opinion). Shame says that I am a bad person, and nothing I can do will ever change that. I may strive to be 'good', and do all sorts of good stuff, but deep down I'm always going to be a piece of shit, and if anybody ever knew what a really shitty character I am, they wouldn't have anything to do with me. Maybe I'm a bad person because of my gender, my race or ethnicity, or the religion into which I was born, or because I was born with or acquired a disability, cognitive and/or physical - whatever! It's some aspect or fact about me that can't really be changed at the deepest level that, somewhere along the line, I've learned that I should (there's that s-word!) feel bad about. Shame can only be let go - there's nothing in this life I can ever accomplish that will erase shame. I have to simply (but not so easily) begin to judge myself differently and let it go.

Guilt, on the other hand, is bad feelings stemming from something I've done, or, something I'm thinking about or thinking about doing. Guilt is good when the feelings keep me from harming someone else or myself in some way. Guilt can be bad for me when I feel bad about doing something that is not harming myself or someone else - for instance, I can (and often do) feel guilty about asking for help. I'm not going to elaborate on that, that's a whole 'nother post. But here's an example of positive guilt:

I work right in the middle of the addictive section of my store - between bakery, liquor, and ice cream. Because of good practice, I am rarely bothered by thoughts about alcohol, but I still often have to make tough choices regarding the bakery and the ice cream, so guilt surrounding those items hasn't been helpful yet. Here's a guilt story about liquor: At the store, we get rid of stock that doesn't sell or is outdated or going to be outdated. We do this by offering it for half-price, and then, eventually, distressing it (getting rid of it and calling it a loss). For whatever reason, when I see a skid full of liquor or beer is basically trash, my interest is piqued. Most recently, it was some Stolichnaya Vodka. If you're not familiar with it, it's a fairly high-end vodka that I've never sampled. Anyway, thoughts of stealing it or drinking it give me feelings of guilt - bad feelings inside because if I follow through on the thought, I'm being harmful to myself and others. That's good guilt - it says there are consequences from following this line of thinking that I no longer want in my experience. The way guilt turns bad is if I do not listen to it, or, again, if I have constant guilt about taking (or not taking) actions - then it can turn to shame. Guilt is often a useful tool if I use it.

So there you have it. And, as I promised, I will let you know what can happen if I don't dissect how I'm thinking or feeling. If I were to assume that I should feel guilty about getting a raise, rather than analyzing what's really going on, I would continue to feel guilty and add it to my shame bucket. Eventually, I would do things to sabotage my job, like calling in, or not doing what is assigned to me, or giving voice to the complaints in my head. Eventually, probably more sooner than later, I would feel like my whole life sucked, and I would create evidence to prove that I don't deserve the good that comes to me. I would drink again, and I would go back into active addiction and depression, and I would be unable to keep my job, my apartment, and, eventually, my life. That's just how the cycle runs. So it's important to me that I nip relapse in the bud and at the source - my thoughts and feelings. Once I release something by taking an action, I give up control; however, I do have tools to help me steer my thinking and feeling into better actions.

I am grateful today for the insight that has been given to me, and I'm especially grateful for the willingness, motivation, strength, and courage that it takes to use this insight to allow life to be good.

Namasté,

Ken

Takeaways From A Mistake

I love lessons that aren't all that painful. Today I had off from work, but I usually go in on Thursdays to cash my check and shop. Today I cashed my check, bought a money order for May rent, and shopped. I carried my backpack with me for a place to put the money order where it wouldn't get wrinkled or damaged (like it would in my pocket). So I do my shopping, pack my groceries, and head out. Shortly after arriving home and unpacking my groceries, I received a text message from one of my managers saying I had left my backpack at the store. Oh! Now, mind you, I didn't leave it in the employee area, I left it in the store. I was a customer today, not an employee (even though I faced the shelves where I took my items from). I hightailed it back to the store, retrieved my backpack, and was relieved to find its contents (a blank money order) intact. 

I immediately went to gratitude - I am grateful to God, the Universe, and to my co-workers that I didn't lose a month's worth of rent. But, more important than retrieving the money, and this is the miracle for me, is that I did not beat myself up for making this mistake - especially since earlier in the day I felt a little down because I didn't feel I was doing such a good job at 'adulting'. My pattern in the past has been to pick, pick, pick at my mistakes until I get feeling good and depressed because I'm such a schmuck. In my post Dismantling the Program - Part II, I discussed learning about Attributional Styles, and the attributional style of a person living with depression (namely me) is that anything bad happening in my life is happening because deep down, I'm a bad person. (When something good happens, it's a fluke, and the other shoe is sure to drop soon!) I've been practicing and learning over the past 9 months to separate incidents, and to avoid attributing them to my worthiness (or lack thereof) as a human being. If I make a mistake, I make a mistake - it's because I'm human. Can I learn from it? Maybe! 

I also think a lot more quickly nowadays, and as I was biking back to the store, I thought, "What will I do if the money order isn't there?" Well, because I've actually been adulting (living skillfully) a little bit better, I would still have enough for May rent. It would still be a financial hit, but I'd make it. 

And because I was so pleased with being so self-forgiving, I began to think about compassion. You see, in my head I can still be pretty unforgiving of people who make mistakes. I've been struggling with this at work for a while. It's a good thing I'm not a manager, because with my managerial style I'd have to change my name to Richard. The thought hit me pretty loud and clear today that if I am able to have compassion and forgiveness for myself, why not others? Why not let others be human and make mistakes as well? Sometimes Lots of times, I think people do stupid stuff on purpose - probably because I've done a lot of stupid things in life even though I supposedly knew better. 

9 months ago, shortly before my last relapse, I had prayed with someone at the church of which I'm a member (but have yet to attend in person) about being able to see myself as God sees me, because, up to that point, I hadn't been able to accept that my Higher Power loves me unconditionally and wants the best for me. I see today, looking over the past 9 months, that my attitude is shifting, and I am beginning to love myself, and, in doing so, beginning to express the beautiful child of God that I Am.

I was reminded tonight of a long-forgotten incident that happened at the first university I attended. I was 19 or 20 at the time, and deep into my alcoholism. A fellow student had dropped his wallet on the floor in my dorm. I happened upon it, picked it up, and opened it. I noted that there was identification within it as well as $100. I took the $100 and dropped the wallet back on the floor. 

Did I know what the proper thing was to do? Of course I did. Why didn't I do the right thing? Because nobody was looking, and because at that time in my life, I was pretty sure that if I were to receive any blessings in this lifetime, I'd have to steal them. I went on like that for a long time. 

I'm grateful to be able to truthfully say today that I know I don't have to steal anything - that the Universe is constantly supplying me with everything I need in abundance, and all I have to do is get into alignment with it:  to raise my consciousness from that of a worthless, useless, scum-lapping piece of shit that will never be able to amount to anything to a beloved Child of God. That's a big leap to make. It takes work, and the work doesn't involve becoming a better person so that God loves me more - it involves me letting go of those parts of my consciousness that aren't in agreement with Who I Really Am. I won't bullshit you - it's a lot of work. But it gets easier, because the more I let shit go, the lighter I get, and the better I feel about myself, Life, and living.

I mention this because I've told people of today's events previous to putting it down here on cyberpaper, and some folks' comments don't ring quite true to me. Now, you believe what works for you, but, in order to continue to grow more in alignment with Spirit, I have to believe that God couldn't possibly love me any more today than It did last year, or 5 years ago, or 58 years and 9 months ago - that God's love for Its Creation is infinite, and really unfathomable to the human mind. It certainly does appear that if one does good, good stuff follows. But in this world of form, that doesn't always happen, does it? Sometimes the seemingly bad guys get off, and sometimes the seemingly good guys get screwed. And my very human mind would take a fact like that and say the Universe is capricious or ambivalent, when the Truth is, it is neither. It's simply that I usually lack complete Understanding of what's really going on. 

My father once told me, "The birds just sing for some people, and they certainly sing for you." He was right. I don't deserve to be here today, much less be here living the life I'm living. I was so incredibly self-destructive. And through my time in and around recovery, which has spanned more than half my life, I have seen much better humans than me suffer immeasurably and die from the disorders from which I'm now in recovery. I've seen families lose their beloved children. I don't have answers for that. I like to think that I have answers for almost everything, but I don't really. I have a few answers that seem to be working for me today, but that's about it.

What I endeavor to do today is to be accepting and grateful - for it all. I try to remember to look for the God in everything, because it's there. I don't always succeed in seeing it right away, but I find more good to Life when I'm looking for it than when I'm focusing on the bad. And today I endeavor to live up to the person God thinks I Am.

Here are some applicable Holy Bible verses that I didn't bother to insert into the text. Look 'em up if you've a mind to:

Isaiah 55 - the whole thing

1 Corinthians 13: 9-13

Matthew 7: 7-8

Proverbs 3: 5-6

I wish for you much love, peace, and alignment.

Namasté,

Ken

Releasing the Fear of Disapproval

 Nowadays, my overall purpose is to be in alignment with the Universe. What this means is that on a daily basis I do my best to use the many tools I've acquired over a lifetime of living to go with the flow of Life today rather than against it; to be creative and constructive, rather than destructive; to think and behave as though I live in a loving, supportive Universe where I can live openly and unafraid, rather than in a hostile universe where fear informs my thinking and actions and I always have to be on guard. I'm very fortunate in that I know what living in the flow looks and feels like for me, and I know what the opposite is. So when I observe myself moving toward distrustful and fearful thinking and actions, I know I need to take action to reverse my direction and begin moving in alignment again. A very simple example is driving along the freeway - when I'm in my lane, driving the posted speed limit (of course!), life is good; if I begin to veer out of my lane, perhaps due to inattentiveness, my tires hit the rough pavement on the side of the road, and I am aware that I need to move back into my lane if I want safe, happy travels. If I ignore the warning strips and fail to take corrective action, I'm liable to end up in the ditch, and my journey stops.

For the past several weeks, I've been having difficulty at work staying in alignment. I mainly work in the dairy department, keeping the shelves and coolers stocked and making sure the product we're offering is fresh and safe. It sounds simple enough, and it is for me - I have a not-very-challenging-for-me job right now so that I can work on those things within me that tend to move me out of alignment. The difficulty that I've been having is that, no matter what my intention going into my day has been, my inner thinking shifts to irritation and blame toward my co-workers and customers who 'make my job difficult' through their actions or inaction. Sound complicated? It is - much too complicated for the job that I have. So I know something within me needs addressing.

The challenge for me is that I see the mistakes people make. I see the lack of forethought, the lack of accuracy, in some of my co-workers; I see the lack of consideration in some of my customers, who like to pick up a product to look at it and put it back in a place different whence it came. The good news is that I know the problem is me, not them. (1st cognitive rule - if I'm blaming someone else for something that upsets me, I'm not taking responsibility for my own thinking and feelings, and nothing will change). 

I've been trying to change my attitude, because I know it's not helpful - to anyone. I've noted that I've been focusing on mistakes and imperfections of others, and tried to focus on their skillful qualities. I've prayed to see the best in others rather than seeing shortcomings (which does work, but I was having to apply that all the time). I've prayed for acceptance, peace of mind, all of that. Some days have been better than others.

Finally, after some contemplation and meditation, I realized what was informing my bad attitude at work - it was the fear of disapproval.

I've mentioned before in this blog that one of my driving desires had been approval from others. This desire often overrode ethical and moral considerations and personal boundaries. When I committed several years ago to becoming my authentic self, I knew that approval-seeking would have to go. I began to get rid of it by being honest with others about me. It's an ongoing process, but I began practicing showing up as me, rather than showing up as who I thought you wanted me to be. 

So why is this fear of disapproval showing up for me at work, and how does that make sense? It doesn't show up as much in other areas of my life. 

Up until 2010, my main goal at work was to get people to like me, and I did all sorts of things that weren't in my job descriptions in order to meet that goal. In 2009, I learned workplace ethics - how I wanted to show up at work - because the rules I was playing weren't sustainable. So I learned and began practicing these things at work: Dependability (showing up), Honesty (admitting my errors), Humility (asking when I needed help or didn't know something), Doing My Best (being thorough and accurate) Doing My Job (not management's job). These are some of the basics, and these workplace ethics give me a process so that if problems develop, I can adjust accordingly. Using these workplace ethics, kissing ass isn't necessary, and neither is throwing co-workers under the bus (either in my head or in real-time). Adopting workplace ethics - principles to work by - has served me well. There have been other factors that have caused me to lose jobs, but it was no longer ill-advised approval seeking behaviors that did it.

Here is what has been happening - even though I have been satisfied with the way in which I show up at work, the results are not meeting my approval. I have been doing my best, but the department still looks messy, and we still have too much outdated stock showing up. I am dissatisfied with the results, even though I'm doing the best I can. And I realized that, even though nobody in management has told me I'm not doing well enough, that these imperfections within the department are like painting targets on my back. No matter how well I do, there is room for me to not meet someone's approval. Irrational? Yes!

This is just a grocery store, and I'm trying to lose my mind over not having things work out like I think they should. Many years ago, I desired to be an EMT. I shudder to think of what would have happened had that worked out! One can be the best EMT in the world and still have patients die. I'm grateful I can learn trusting in the process, acceptance, and humility in an environment where the stakes are fairly low. 

And it's not that I don't admit and accept when I make mistakes at work -I do, and it's ok. But I needed to be shown that if I am living my life ethically and doing the best I can, then if someone judges me on a certain outcome, that has to be their problem, not mine. And again, this hasn't happened where I'm working now, but because I am an imperfect human being and the department in which I work is imperfect, the door is unlocked for someone to come in and tell me I'm a useless piece of shit. Ok, yes, that's irrational, but I needed to see that that idea is still smoldering within me.

The solution: I do not have enough resources to make sure the department is in perfect condition by the time my shift is done. I can release my fear of disapproval because I know that I am doing my best - I show up at work wearing my best ethical suit, and I am a good employee. That's all I need to be; I don't need to be a miracle worker. I thank God for the strength, energy, and motivation to do my best, and I leave the results of my work in God's hands. I release my fellow employees and my customers from the burden of needing to make me look good, and I accept that I am the only person responsible both for what I do and how I look.

In the beginning (of this post), I expressed what my desire is - to be in alignment with the Universe and with Life. I understand, on a cognitive level anyway, that acceptance and trusting in the process help me be in alignment. One thing I've omitted in this whole post is perfectionism, but hanging onto perfectionism makes it harder to stay in alignment. Anyway, I'm concluding with I don't think this post is really complete, but I'm posting anyway because I haven't posted in nearly a month and I've got 5 other posts started, and I will feel better for posting even if it's not perfect.

Namasté,

Ken

Faith: A Simple Yet Effective Example

 Years ago, when talking and listening about "turning it over" and "letting go" in recovery meetings (lessons in faith), an image came to me that fit in my brain what that was all about. The image was of hiring a lawyer (or any professional, really) to do my bidding for me, or to do what I am unable to do on my own. I'm not very sure how effective that image was for me, and back then I was more of a spiritual theorist than an actual participant in living a spiritual life. Very fortunately, when I don't get a message or a lesson the first time (or second, third fourth...), the Universe always sees fit to provide me with yet another lesson. This past week, when I actually had occasion to hire a lawyer to take care of a mess I had created, I was reminded of the theory about faith that had come to me many years ago. This time, I'm able to add a little more flesh, and hopefully real-life experience, to the theory.

So in my last post, I wrote about a misdemeanor that I committed in Las Vegas nearly 12 years ago and skipped out on. I expressed the desire to resolve this issue so that I can move on to bigger and better things while I live in this area. One of my options, which I didn't mention in my last post, is to travel to Las Vegas and turn myself in. I know that the police department there and the judicial system would accommodate me. Then I could spend some time in jail until I had a hearing or two in front of a judge and see what we could do to resolve this. This is one way of getting it done; however, my life is really stable right now, and taking this action would destabilize it. I desire to resolve my legal issue while maintaining the stability I'm currently experiencing, and I need help doing that, so I hired a lawyer. I have confidence and faith that comes from my intuition that my legal situation will now be resolved in a way that is mutually beneficial to everybody. An ingredient to this faith is the knowing I have that my Creator wants only the best for me and is constantly giving me guidance on the path to my highest good - so my attitude isn't, "I've got to beat this case;" it's more along the lines of resolution - again, finding a solution and then moving on.

Okay. So I hired the lawyer by sending him a $xxx deposit and signing a contract with him. Here is where the issue of "turning it over" effectively is fleshed out. And the problem with me, and possibly many people, is not a lack of faith - I've got plenty of that - but in two things: how I understand faith, and how I direct it. When I spoke with him on the phone, he asked me, "So I assume you'd like to avoid jail time?" and I agreed. Avoiding incarceration has not been guaranteed, but that's the destination we're keeping in mind. As stated earlier, if I want to go to jail, I know how to do that. And an attorney who took my money and then said, "Ok, show up at the Clark County Justice Center and your warrant will be quashed and your case will be resolved," probably would not stay in business very long. So I hire the lawyer with a certain end in mind. I don't expect to get off scot-free, but I am hoping to get this thing done with as painlessly as possible.

The contract I signed with the attorney said, to me, basically two things: that the attorney would use all of his knowledge, experience, and connections to get me the best deal possible, and that he would do this all for $xxx if possible. Here are the 5 things that might make me have to pay extra to get the job done:

Events that may cause attorney to engage in hourly billing include, but are not limited to: (1) the other party’s unwillingness to cooperate in litigation; (2) Client making unreasonable demands upon the Attorney; (3) Client failing to communicate with Attorney; (4) Client taking steps that Attorney has not authorized or advised that are adverse to Client’s case; or (5) Client’s case is, or becomes, complex and requires extensive work beyond the retainer stated herein.

So it becomes fairly clear to me that at least 60% of the outcome in this matter is dependent upon what I do or don't do. Furthermore, I've been informed that if the job at hand takes more than the initial deposit I put down, that I will be billed at an hourly rate of $350/hour! Now, at that rate, it becomes way less expensive for me to just go up to Vegas and sit some time; however, I better know that if that's the outcome, the responsibility is mine, nobody else's.

What are the elements of faith in this example, and what are my responsibilities? First, I've allowed this person to become a higher power in my life regarding this matter. I've come to allowing this because I did try on my own to see if I could resolve it myself, and found that I couldn't. I chose this attorney through some direction from the Nevada Bar Association, my own intuition, and my own judgment. Also added in is some humility - even though I have a lot of experience with the legal system, and even though I've watched hours and hours of Matlock, LA Law, and Law and Order, I've conceded that my attorney's knowledge, experience, and wisdom outweigh my own. So I've put trust and faith in him.

Second, because I've already conceded that my attorney can do a better job, I'm going to let him. I'm following his instructions - I'm being honest, and I'm refraining from meddling in his job, and I'm trusting that if he needs more information from me to do a good job, he will ask. 

Third, I've let go of any doubt or anxiety surrounding what it going to happen. This is a practice that gets better with time and, well, practice! I note that throughout my life, when I've let go of doubt, fear, and anxiety about my own well-being, things turn out better than I expected. It really is that simple.

Lastly, I am willing to accept whatever the outcome of this is. In fact, when I've taken the steps of cultivating faith and pointing it in the right direction, the outcome no longer becomes important. I recognize that the important experience is the journey itself (practicing faith) rather than the destination.

In the recovery program I was brought up in, which has steps, members often explain the first 3 steps in the following way: I can't, He can, and I let him. In this example, I can't effectively represent myself in getting this matter resolved; I believe he (my attorney) can, so the wise part of me is going to let him do his job without interference. And lastly, because I've committed to turning this case over to my attorney, I'm going to accept the results. By the way, I do have a couple ideas of how things might turn out, but I'm not married to any of those ideas. It's like going to Disney World - if I plan a rigid itinerary of what I'd like to do and experience, I increase the odds of becoming disappointed; however, if I just show up with the idea in mind that I'm going to have a good time, I most likely will.

For me, this is a good example of how faith works when I have an understanding of what faith is and when I'm directing it skillfully. Again, it is less about getting what i think i want out of a situation and more about learning how to trust and believe in my Creator to lead me to becoming the best person I am destined to become and doing the things that will allow me to live an enriching life abundantly. The biggest difference in the example I've given and other faith examples in my life is that I often have more footwork to do than I do in today's example. 

I will be writing more about faith in the coming days, because this experience has sparked a lot of reflection about faith, and how I use it both consciously and unconsciously, skillfully and unskillfully.

I appreciate your allowing me to share my journey with you.

Namasté,

Ken

CBT: A Quick Case Study

 One of the tools I use to improve my thinking, and therefore my overall mood and actions, and ultimately my experience of life, is called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (the link leads to a good article explaining CBT). I've extolled the virtues of CBT before in this blog, and a situation came up recently in which I used CBT to quell some anxiety I was experiencing around the issue.

Background:

Nearly 12 years ago, while visiting Las Vegas, I was charged with misdemeanor battery due to an incident in which I kicked another person while I was intoxicated. The police did not arrest or detain me, they only issued a citation with a court date. I chose to be doing something else for the court date, and eventually went back home without ever appearing in court or otherwise trying to resolve the issue. I knew a bench warrant would probably be issued for my arrest, but, because it was a misdemeanor, and also because that's just the way I used to roll, I did my best to ignore the situation. Since that time, I've had several police contacts and a few jobs in Wisconsin, and the issue has never come up. It didn't even come up for the last two real jobs I had in Wisconsin, which was surprising to me, but, hey - whatever.

So a little over a year ago I moved to Arizona. After I got well enough to think about working, I thought about working in human services again. I had talked to people working in human services, and they told me of this thing Arizona has called a fingerprint card. Apparently, before getting hired in a human services job, the applicant shows up at their local police station, has their fingerprints taken, and a records and warrants search is done. Any outstanding warrants will prevent a person from getting the job for which they are applying until said warrants are cleared up. 

I knew about this close to a year ago, and knew that I'd have to take care of the warrant in Vegas; however, I didn't do anything about it until the warrant came up on a background check done by the management company of the apartment in which I'm now living. I explained the situation to the management company representative, and told her what it was about and that I'd take care of it. So, life is going good for me, and I have some money, and so I start looking into what I need to do to clear this thing up. 

The Activating Event:

Last week, I contacted an attorney outfit in Las Vegas, and they set up a free phone consultation with an attorney for me. Just doing this caused me some anxiety, but, as I'm usually able to do for future events, I simply put the anxiety on a shelf (that's not CBT). The phone consultation was today, and so yesterday and today (especially today) I'm feeling the anxiety about all of this. Let me note here that if I were not seeking to improve my future, I would continue to ignore my open warrant in Las Vegas. If I planned on keeping my current job until I retire, and thought I could live in my apartment forever, I'd just let it ride and avoid ever setting foot in the Great State of Nevada (which might present a problem as Arizona borders Nevada and vice versa).

CBT works if the person working it understands, at the very least, that it is an individual's thinking, or reaction to life, that contributes to psychological distress. A person has to understand that their own thinking is rife with what are called "cognitive distortions." In other words, and put very nicely, I don't see the world in a way that works very well for me, so if I want to change how I see the world, I need to change my thinking. I was first exposed to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in the 90's when I was in prison. It didn't help me back then because I thought that whatever went on in my head was correct. Now that's sick! I held that attitude for many years, which kept me in my sickness.

Application of CBT:

For today's anxiety, I looked at what might be causing it. I ruled out the fear of going to jail, because, if I never set foot in Nevada, that's unlikely to happen (in most, if not all, states in the US, the police will not detain a person if they discover s/he has a misdemeanor warrant from another state. Felony warrants are different). There's a slight fear of having a 'violent' crime on my record - so far, everything I have is about theft and fraud. Yes, that really isn't anything to write home about, but in Earth law, some crimes are more forgivable than others. But I have hope that maybe the DA will let me plead to disorderly conduct and pay a fine. Even if it does stay as battery, I need to take my chances. So that's not where the fear was.

My fear and anxiety surrounded talking with the lawyer, and being judged by the lawyer. Secondary to that fear was the lawyer would ask for as much money as I have saved up. In CBT, we look for the evidence that supports our thinking. The only evidence that supports being worried about speaking with an attorney is that they can be an authority figure - when engaging an attorney, one is giving the attorney some power over their life. That's not what bugged me - I do that with doctors all the time. What my anxiety was focused on was the fear of being judged. The same thing happens when I do any sort of application - I feel like I'm giving someone an opportunity to judge me. (I don't know why I don't have that anxiety surrounding writing this blog or sharing in meetings).  

Reframing:

Sometimes we need help with seeing things in a different light; sometimes we can do it on our own. Today I chose to do it on my own. What I came up with is that it is a criminal attorney's job to help people who have been arrested and charged with a crime. They protect people's rights and try to get them the best deal possible. People like me are criminal attorneys' bread and butter - if s/he were to judge me, they'd be a piss-poor attorney. What's s/he going to do - call me a useless shithead and hang up on me? Probably not. Even if s/he did, it's not like s/he'd done anything to really harm me, but I doubt that the attorney is going to judge me. As far as the secondary fear about the money - I just have to find out how much it will cost and go from there. But this is the kicker: At any point in the process, I have the power to stop the process - I don't have to go through with anything. 

Outcome:

I would love to write that after I worked the above process, the anxiety completely dissipated; however, that's not what happened. What did happen was I was able to see more clearly that erroneous thinking and a belief that no longer serves me were informing my anxiety. If I want to progress and enjoy my life more abundantly, I need to get past my fear of being judged - ever, by anyone. (I have to some extent, but not entirely). The other thing that happened was my anxiety abated enough for me to go through with the call.

We could leave it at that, because, in a way, whatever happened with the attorney doesn't really matter. But I'll let you know: The attorney called me at precisely 1 pm, and we had a call that lasted 5 minutes and 11 seconds (so I screwed myself out of nearly 25 minutes of talking with a lawyer for free!). I briefly outlined the charge and explained why I haven't done anything about it for 12 years. He explained that he can look into what he can do for a deposit of $xxx. Notice it's 3 figures - I can work with that. So, I'm going to send him the money and he's going to see what he can do and let me know. The guy was really nice to talk with, too - very friendly and professional.

Summary:

The way CBT is supposed to work is that if I follow this process enough times, my skillful thinking will become automatic, just like my shitty thinking is automatic now. Much has already changed in my thinking using this process, but, obviously, there's still more to work on.

The Spiritual Angle:

If the faith that my Creator always loves me and supports me in doing the right thing were more in my heart than in my head, I wouldn't have needed this process. Fortunately, my Creator has given me many paths to faith, and if I continue to follow them, I will find myself more and more in spiritual alignment.

Thank you for reading. I hope this has given you something positive to keep.

Namasté,

Ken

Priceless

I received a raise at work. It was a surprise to me - I didn't expect it, and nobody told me it was coming. I found out by looking at my paycheck stub, and noticing that my rate of pay was higher starting January 1st. It's a nice way to start the New Year. So I don't know if this raise was based on performance, or if it was a New Year raise that was given across the board. Maybe I'll find out, maybe I won't.

One of my core beliefs that I am working to change because it has informed some of my less-than-skillful behavior is that "I am worthless and I can't take care of myself, and nobody else will, either." There's a lot of evidence for this belief, but it's self-fulfilling evidence. There's also been some evidence over the past few years that supports the opposite of this belief, and informs the belief that "I am valuable, and I am able to take care of myself when I'm aligned with the Universe (or God's will or however you want to put it).

I am valuable, and I have value - whether I'm working or not, or whether or not I have money. As humans, we have a tendency to 'rank' things - to say this is more valuable than that, or even this person is more valuable than that person. I may not say it out loud, but in my mind it's there. 

I feel that in my heart is a recognition that all of us, our lives, are valuable. The evidence for that is that in the 80's I worked with people with disabilities, and I valued them. In the 10's (this century) I again worked with people with disabilities, and I valued them as well. In customer service, which I've done off and on throughout my life, I've valued the people whom I served. Once I take a few seconds to talk with or get to know someone a little, I see the person inside, rather than their outward identity. At the end of my posts, I write 'Namasté', which is a word that is often used to say, "The Divine in me honors the Divine in you." Like every other spiritual principle, I don't practice this perfectly. Sometimes I meet people whose outward identity, persona, personality, is so strong that I cannot see past that to recognize our kinship in Spirit; but, for the most part, if I make the effort, I can connect with another person enough to see the Divine in them. 

I started off this post with mentioning a raise. My wage is currently a little bit above minimum wage. Fortunately, minimum wage in the state in which I live is currently a lot higher than the federal minimum wage. For the most part, I enjoy my job, and I do my best, no matter what I get paid, because I endeavor to live my life from the inside out. However, I know my wage does not reflect my true worth, even my true worth to the company; my current wage reflects, in part, my own beliefs about how worthy and valuable I am. Let me say that again - my current wage reflects, in part, my own beliefs about how worthy and valuable I am. It isn't about how others see me - it is about how I see myself. So I am working on recognizing, appreciating, and sharing my strengths, my abilities, and my purpose with others.

Nobody can pay me what I'm really worth. Nobody can pay you what you're really worth. Often, we use monetary value to judge another's worth. Often, it seems, it's tops on the list of ways in which we categorize and judge others. We look for signs of material wealth to try to know what value another holds. This is a very human thing to do. Human egos need to categorize and place a value on everything - this person is worth more than that person; this person is the richest person in the world.

So I'll say right here that how ever much money the richest person in the world possesses is chump change to God, because God owns everything, and has infinite abundance. So when I place a judgment on someone's worth by how much they have, or how rich they look, or by how poor they look, I am using my limited human perception, and am missing much. As spiritual beings having this human experience, we all have more value than we can fathom with our limited human mindset. 

I always struggled with money in the past. I usually never had enough, even though I've had jobs that paid fairly well and received money through other channels. The reason I never had enough was because I one of the biggest ways I judged myself was by how much money I had, and deep down I did not have a belief that I was worth anything. Money meant something different to me than it does now - money was an indicator of how good I was, or how much I deserved to just be. Yep, it was that sick. And I was putting the cart before the horse - I thought more money would give me more intrinsic worth. It's actually the other way around - the more I value myself and my life, the more likely I am to not have problems or issues surrounding money. 

For about the past four months, I have not been broke, even for a day. This is a lifetime record for me, I think. It's close, anyway. I have never prospered financially, even though I've had a few great opportunities in my life to at least break even. I know that this year we've had assistance and such due to the pandemic, but I can say quite confidently that if I didn't have a new attitude, those financial boosts wouldn't have helped me much. Money used to burn a hole in my pocket, so to speak - if I received a large amount, it usually dissipated quite quickly, and I was broke again.

I don't know how it happened - I don't know how a lot of stuff happened over the past year - but my attitude toward myself, toward money, and toward a lot of things began to turn. My self-worth and self-esteem skyrocketed (it's still not great, but it's a lot lot better than it ever was). Part of it was coming to Arizona. I came here sick and broke, and people took care of me. Nobody, absolutely nobody suggested that I go back whence I came, or at least go to another state. A huge amount of money, time, and love has been spent on helping me get better. I began to look at that, and say and think to myself, "This can't be happening if I have no value. I have to be worth something!" 

So I began to concentrate on all the ways in which I am valuable. Remember, whatever I focus on grows and grows - if I focus on my weaknesses, they grow; if I focus on my strengths, they grow. And let me tell you, over the past 15 months, I've discovered a lot of strengths. I began to discover that I am worthy, and I began to believe it and act like it.

I began to receive valuable things - food, clothing, shelter. I began to give back - earn my keep, so to speak. I began practicing gratitude, and I began to see all the blessings in my life - even when I didn't have a dime in my pocket. I began to appreciate things, and I began to appreciate how I am loved and supported by the Universe - love and support that is always there if I am open to it. I began to learn how to accept my many blessings, instead of ignoring them or pushing them away. And as I began to really accept and appreciate my blessings, the amount of money I possessed became less important, and, when I did receive money, I didn't blow it - I used it wisely. I treated it as a precious gift, like everything else I've been given. I know how much money I have, and I know how much I need on a monthly basis to sustain myself, but it isn't my number one priority. I trust today that if I'm doing the right thing and staying connected to my Source, I will be taken care of. 

I recently became homeful, and I am living with a housemate in a very nice place that is affordable, which is unusual for this city - the rents are inflated for some reason. Yesterday, I submitted our move-in inspection form to our rental agency. I mentioned on it that all three of our faucets have leaks. They weren't bad, but I wanted to mention it. Today their maintenance guy/handyman came in and replaced all 3 faucets! I never expected that. I didn't expect anything! So I'm still like "Wow"! I accept the new faucets; I value them, appreciate them, and I am grateful. And I didn't spend an extra cent. So things like this happen - unexpected gifts - and I see in them my Higher Power taking care of me. I see in our affordable rent, and the cushion or float that I have saved, my Creator taking care of me. 

So here's my point - or points:  

In essence, I am priceless. I started out talking about how I make now a little over minimum wage. I am not bothered by that - it is not an indicator of what I am truly worth. My store couldn't pay me what I'm worth. Nobody can. But I am grateful for what I do receive, and it becomes enough for me to live on, plus a little extra to save, plus a little extra to give. And I know that the more I discover and appreciate my true worth, the more I will move into positions to receive more, and the more I'll have to give - not only in money, but in friendship, time, love, and support.

Additionally, I have to keep the belief that you are priceless as well. And you and you and you. And even you! You are priceless. We all have great gifts given us that we have yet to uncover and utilize. I need to remember this in order to avoid thinking that I'm better than anyone else according to what I have. I used to think that I was lower or worse than everyone else - this is false humility. And there have been times that I thought I was better than everybody else. The Truth of the matter is that I am no better nor any worse than anyone else.  

The evidence of our worth is not how much we have, but how much we give. We cannot outgive our Creator, and the more we give of ourselves, the more we find we have to give. That's been true for me all along my journey - when I freely give, and freely receive, I receive back more than I give. My human brain doesn't comprehend that, but my heart does. And when I let go of my fear of not having or not being enough, and give without worry, I am well taken care of.

Namasté,

Ken