My therapist has told me at least twice that if I continue to practice improving my thinking, a more positive attitude will become natural to me, just like my negative attitude is still fairly prevalent - at least as far as first thoughts go. I doubted this, even though it's part of what I preach.
This morning, I was loading my laundry onto my bike when I heard something hit the ground. I looked down and saw that my mirror had broken off. I immediately said, "Oh, fuddy-dud." Then I stopped and thought, "Where did that come from?"
You see, I'm very familiar with feeling frustrated and overwhelmed. Laundry is not my favorite household task, especially when it involves traveling some distance to get it done. And early morning has not historically been the best time to catch me in a good mood. I was shocked this morning, because my former response to my mirror falling off would have been much more profane, and possibly even a little violent. I have been practicing finding a better thought/reaction to the little things in life that frustrate/overwhelm me. I don't like the fact that little things can really get to me. Now it looks like I can say, "I used to let little things get to me."
It looks like my therapist might be right!
And little things like this, while not really fit for the front page of the newspaper, give me confidence and hope that I can turn my thinking around, with practice. That's good news!
Namaste,
Ken
Wednesday, June 22, 2016
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
Flow Like Water
A few weeks ago I was planning on giving something to a friend whom I was to meet at a recovery meeting. I was unable to go to the meeting, so I gave the item to another friend who was going there too, and he took it. The friend whom I was supposed to meet texted me and said he wouldn't be at the meeting either, so I called another friend whom I knew would probably be there and would be able to get the item to my friend. He said he'd be there and pick up the thing for me and give it to my friend in a few days. I texted my friend, the intended recipient of the item, and said it was taken care of, and I felt really good inside. I felt good that I was able to 'manage' that, and that it went off really well. I don't feel that way too often - in fact, I feel that way so infrequently that it is notable when I do feel that way - like things are going my way, or like my will is aligned with 'God's will'.
Then I began to think about it all, and really wondered if I felt good because I thought I had orchestrated it. My plan worked! I was able to get object X from point A to point B by using my own resources! I smelled a little ego.
I've been taught, and I have experienced, that not everything that seems 'bad' to me is really ultimately bad, and not everything that I think is 'good' is necessarily good. I've gotten lots of stuff I've prayed and wished for, and then turned around and prayed to be relieved of the stuff I've gotten. It wasn't what I wanted after all.
I've been taught, and I have experienced, that the Universe is conspiring for my (and everybody's) highest good. If I look back on my fifty-some-odd years (and some of them were pretty odd!) I can see that it is true - I'm reasonably happy with where I'm at today, and with what I've experienced and learned so far.
What if what happened that day that made me feel so good was going to happen anyway, and I just happened to be there to witness it? What if I viewed everything that happens in me, through me, and around me, with acceptance and gratitude? For instance, what would happen if I became grateful for the mental and emotional anguish that makes me seek out others for the solution? (Which happens to be sharing my recovery with others, which I judge as really cool). What if everything really was all right? What would that look like? How would that feel? It's such a radical, against most everything I've been taught idea, that I really can't wrap my head around it all at once. However, I can, bit-by-bit, experience-by-experience, begin to be open to the idea that it's all good. And I can begin to become more happy and at peace.
A friend of mine had suggested a couple of years ago that I might 'flow like water'. Water takes the path of least resistance. Water can move quickly, it can move slowly, it can move with great force or as a gentle caress. What it doesn't do is try to do what it can't, nor does it get pissed off when its way is blocked, turn around, go home and sulk. It simply moves another way. No regrets - maybe some tears, it's hard to tell with water - it just moves in the direction in which it moves. Yet, water is very important and very powerful. Humans and many (all?) life forms would not exist without it. Water can carve the Grand Canyon, generate power for millions of people, and sink unsinkable ships. What would it feel like to flow through this day like water, neither fighting or running away from whatever I encounter, but accepting what I encounter and flowing through it or around it, as the case may be?
Namaste
Ken
Then I began to think about it all, and really wondered if I felt good because I thought I had orchestrated it. My plan worked! I was able to get object X from point A to point B by using my own resources! I smelled a little ego.
I've been taught, and I have experienced, that not everything that seems 'bad' to me is really ultimately bad, and not everything that I think is 'good' is necessarily good. I've gotten lots of stuff I've prayed and wished for, and then turned around and prayed to be relieved of the stuff I've gotten. It wasn't what I wanted after all.
I've been taught, and I have experienced, that the Universe is conspiring for my (and everybody's) highest good. If I look back on my fifty-some-odd years (and some of them were pretty odd!) I can see that it is true - I'm reasonably happy with where I'm at today, and with what I've experienced and learned so far.
What if what happened that day that made me feel so good was going to happen anyway, and I just happened to be there to witness it? What if I viewed everything that happens in me, through me, and around me, with acceptance and gratitude? For instance, what would happen if I became grateful for the mental and emotional anguish that makes me seek out others for the solution? (Which happens to be sharing my recovery with others, which I judge as really cool). What if everything really was all right? What would that look like? How would that feel? It's such a radical, against most everything I've been taught idea, that I really can't wrap my head around it all at once. However, I can, bit-by-bit, experience-by-experience, begin to be open to the idea that it's all good. And I can begin to become more happy and at peace.
A friend of mine had suggested a couple of years ago that I might 'flow like water'. Water takes the path of least resistance. Water can move quickly, it can move slowly, it can move with great force or as a gentle caress. What it doesn't do is try to do what it can't, nor does it get pissed off when its way is blocked, turn around, go home and sulk. It simply moves another way. No regrets - maybe some tears, it's hard to tell with water - it just moves in the direction in which it moves. Yet, water is very important and very powerful. Humans and many (all?) life forms would not exist without it. Water can carve the Grand Canyon, generate power for millions of people, and sink unsinkable ships. What would it feel like to flow through this day like water, neither fighting or running away from whatever I encounter, but accepting what I encounter and flowing through it or around it, as the case may be?
Namaste
Ken
Fear Sells
I don't watch TV news regularly anymore - not having a TV helps with that quite a bit. I discovered that the script was the same for each newscast, it was just the names that changed - who killed who, which politician was found to be a child molester, how bad the economy is, etc. The newscasts go on, even though I rarely watch them, but my view of life improves. Today I have more choice in what I choose to focus on, and I learn every day how to focus on what is good in life, good in people, and good in me. And it is a Universal Law that what I focus on increases. As it turns out, I have my work cut out for me, as I have a long history of focusing on the negative, and it takes a long time to create new neural pathways so that I can learn to automatically focus on what is going right with me rather than what is going wrong. It can be done, though.
Our society is such that very often we get into a state of what singer-songwriter Jana Stanfield has termed, "Too much not-enoughism." Each day we're told, in one way or another, ways in which we're lacking, or things that we should fear. Much of the time, we accept this without question. We accept what the media and politicians tell us is wrong with us and wrong with our country and the world. Very rarely are we told that, as far as human beings living on this planet at this time in the United States, we've got it made. (I know I have some international readers, so this may not be true for them). If one thinks about what one has today compared with what their parents and grandparents had, it's easy to see that, in a relative way, we are living in safe times and in the lap of luxury.
I'm not a social commentator. Well, I am, sort of, but that's not my aim here. My aim here is to write about my experience in learning how to view this world, this life, and myself in a way which is constructive and contributes to my mental, emotional, and physical well being, and hopefully to the well-being of those with whom I have contact.
I know that mental illness and alcoholism feeds on fear - fear of what the consequences of my behavior might be, fear of the future, fear of people, and what they may do to me, fear that I'll never be good enough, fear of (fill in the blank). When fear overwhelms me, I crawl inside my safe (but miserable) little shell and begin to self-destruct.
Alcohol erased those fears - for a minute. Other drugs and other behaviors did, too - but when the fears returned, they were bigger and stronger than before, and I discovered that there's not enough booze distilled to drown my fears. So what is my solution?
My solution is not to keep looking outside of myself for the solution. My solution is to continually discover that I am not alone (that is simply an illusion of physical reality), that I am one part of a greater whole, and that I am, in Truth, always connected, and that I am already equipped with everything I need to live an abundant, joyous, productive creative life.
One of the methods I like to use to visualize this concept is to go out into nature. As I look at an oak tree, for instance, I realize that at one time this oak was an acorn on the ground. It needed no instruction to begin to germinate, and to eventually become the oak it is today. Today that oak knows when to shed its leaves and when to grow new ones. The oak has available to it all it needs to survive, and it doesn't need to be told to breath in carbon dioxide and to give back oxygen, which helps give life to the squirrels and birds and such that live around it. The oak tree probably doesn't fret when it rains or when it's cold, and doesn't get angry when a squirrel has the audacity to build its home in its branches.
The oak tree probably is not really aware that some oaks are bigger and some are smaller, and I doubt that the oak would like to be a maple tree next year. The oak does what it does for its life-cycle, caring not whether it's going to get what it needs, or how it appears to the other oaks, or if it smells bad, or how much it will gain during its lifetime. And at the end of its life, it returns to the ground from which it came to provide nutrients to other plants, animals, and insects (or it provides toasty, cozy evenings to humans who cut it up and warm their homes with it). The oak tree doesn't question its purpose, nor does it wonder whether it measures up as an oak. I've got a lot to learn from that oak tree.
So, how does studying an oak tree help me get rid of my fear of living? I can recognize today that, just as the oak did not decide one day to become an oak, I did not create myself. Something or someone else did. So, there is something greater at work here. There is a process happening of which I am mostly unaware most of the time. But the same process that supports the oak through its lifetime is also supporting me through my lifetime, and supporting all life everywhere, despite any outward appearances.
This is not the only method I use to support my mental health and my sobriety by far, but it is the basis - for me, I have to know that my life has purpose, meaning, and value, and that I am safe and loved.
When I look for things to fear, I find them. Doom and disaster lurks just around the corner. When I look for things to live for and for people to support me and walk through this experience together, I find people and experiences that help me to experience life in a new way, with less fear.
Namaste,
Ken
Friday, June 17, 2016
Trusting Myself
One issue I hear a lot about from people newly in recovery is about trust - "When is my (partner, spouse, parent, child, boss) going to trust me again?" If we have experienced addiction, mental illness, or both, we have very often damaged the trust of those who are close to us and those who rely upon us. We may have stolen from others, lied to cover up our activities, or simply not shown up or been available when we were expected to be. We have broken promises and sometimes engaged in very bizarre, unexplainable, destructive, and anti-social behavior. We were unpredictable, or predictably unpredictable. Our loved ones and peers knew we could do better, but we didn't, and so they began to lose faith in us.
Most of us when beginning recovery have no desire to repeat the behaviors that got us into recovery in the first place. We don't want to use alcohol or drugs anymore, or at least we don't want to experience the trouble that their use brings. We don't want to have the symptoms of our mental illness inhibit our ability to be responsible and caring individuals. And we would like those around us to believe us. Yet it is difficult - after repeated lies, promises to do better, and even periods of recovery followed by more relapse and the same ol' stuff, the people who are closest to us will find it difficult to believe us and to be supportive. What can we do?
I believe that the first step in regaining the trust of anyone is to let go of any expectation that anyone will ever trust me again, and to let go of the need for others' trust. That allows me to do what I need to do, to do the right thing, without it being contingent on anyone believing I'm doing the right thing or not. For example - if due to my using or my illness, my attendance at work was unpredictable, I need to be willing to show up at work when I'm supposed to show up and perform to the best of my ability without expecting any accolades for doing the right thing. Personally, this is the best thing, because as far as accolades go, they're like alcohol to me, and if they start coming I can never get enough. However, if I am not expecting that I deserve or need them, when they do come, and they do, they are pleasant surprises for which I can be thankful.
Second, to regain the trust of those around me, I need to admit promptly when I'm wrong. This has been the biggest help to my relationship with those around me, especially at work. My routine used to be to try to cover up my mistakes. I lied. I blamed. I told the other person they were wrong. Now when I make a mistake, or say something stupid, I admit my error and apologize. Quick story - I did not discover how well this worked because I am virtuous - I discovered it because I didn't want to be responsible for killing anybody. I used to work for an outfit that manufactured control panels and units for high powered electrical stuff. If I made a mistake and whatever I was working on went out the door without anyone else discovering the mistake, there was the potential that down the road someone could be seriously injured or killed. So I got in the practice of letting people know when I screwed up. In turn, when a supervisor asked me about a mistake they discovered and I told them it wasn't mine, they believed me. I think this concept will fit any area of life, not just work.
Third, and probably most important in regaining the trust of those around me and creating a sustainable recovery, I must begin the process of trusting myself. We may not think about this much - I know I didn't, until somebody brought it up. I will write in the first person singular, but I'll bet many can relate: I continually had high aspirations for myself that I was unable to meet because of my illness and/or my substance abuse. I remember saying that I'd never go to jail. I actually did want to finish college. I did want to stay married for the rest of my life. I do want to keep this job. I do want to get up on time tomorrow. I do want to stay sober. I do want to stay sane. Each and every time I broke a promise to myself, each and every time I disappointed myself, I broke my contract with me - I broke my own word. Coming into recovery there's no way I could say to myself or anybody else that I'll never drink again or never get sick again, because I've said that to myself so many times and gone ahead and done it anyway. I did not come into recovery because, "Gosh durn it, I need to start living differently!" I came into recovery because it's the last stop before giving up entirely.
So, how do I begin to trust myself? I think there are a few guidelines I can follow for myself:
1. Watch what I say. Can I do what I say I'm going to do? Or am I just trying to please and appease others?
2. Set reasonable goals. If I plan on showing up somewhere on time, how will that happen? What resources do I need? Do I need to enlist the help of others? This applies, too, to any personal goals I might have. If I say to myself that I'm going to lose 20 pounds by next week, uhm, that's not going to happen. At least not in any way that is healthy and positive.
3. Live a day at a time. No matter what day it is, there's a lot going on. If I'd like to go back to school next year, what can I do today to make that a reality? If I want to have a car 6 months from now, what can I do today to make that happen?
4. Ask for help/be accountable. I'm not an island. I don't live in a vacuum, and everything I do affects somebody else, if only indirectly. So, it makes sense to have someone in my life to whom I go for sound advice/support, and someone with whom I share my plans with so I can be held accountable.
5. Begin to trust in Divine or Universal guidance. I live in a friendly supportive universe that is constantly conspiring for my highest good. (That's a bit of a turnaround from what my view use to be, so I'll say it again: I live in a friendly supportive universe that is constantly and continuously conspiring for my highest good.) The bottom line is that I'd be dead by now if this were not true. So, what does that mean to me? I don't have to manipulate, lie, or steal to receive all I need for today and beyond. I simply have to find the flow and go with it. When I encounter resistance, I can take a step back and see whether that resistance is coming from within or without, and find out what I need to do about it. Trusting that the best days of my life are ahead of me, I don't have to wheel and deal to make it so, and that eliminates just a whole bunch of un-trustworthy type thoughts and behavior right there.
6. Accept that I am human and admit when I make a mistake. And don't beat myself up for it. Mistakes are lessons. Mistakes are indicators that I have room to grow, which is a good thing. Mistakes are indicators that I need a higher power, which is a good thing. Mistakes can be used to help others, which is a good thing. Mistakes are indicators that I'm not better than nor worse than anybody else, and that's a good thing, too. I guess my mistakes are good!
Anyway, I certainly can't change anyone's view of me. What I can change is how I think, behave, and view myself, and how I view others. When I allow others their own opinions and concern myself only with how well I'm living up to my standards, and adjust my behavior accordingly, I'll begin to trust myself, and the trust of others will follow along.
Namaste,
Ken
Most of us when beginning recovery have no desire to repeat the behaviors that got us into recovery in the first place. We don't want to use alcohol or drugs anymore, or at least we don't want to experience the trouble that their use brings. We don't want to have the symptoms of our mental illness inhibit our ability to be responsible and caring individuals. And we would like those around us to believe us. Yet it is difficult - after repeated lies, promises to do better, and even periods of recovery followed by more relapse and the same ol' stuff, the people who are closest to us will find it difficult to believe us and to be supportive. What can we do?
I believe that the first step in regaining the trust of anyone is to let go of any expectation that anyone will ever trust me again, and to let go of the need for others' trust. That allows me to do what I need to do, to do the right thing, without it being contingent on anyone believing I'm doing the right thing or not. For example - if due to my using or my illness, my attendance at work was unpredictable, I need to be willing to show up at work when I'm supposed to show up and perform to the best of my ability without expecting any accolades for doing the right thing. Personally, this is the best thing, because as far as accolades go, they're like alcohol to me, and if they start coming I can never get enough. However, if I am not expecting that I deserve or need them, when they do come, and they do, they are pleasant surprises for which I can be thankful.
Second, to regain the trust of those around me, I need to admit promptly when I'm wrong. This has been the biggest help to my relationship with those around me, especially at work. My routine used to be to try to cover up my mistakes. I lied. I blamed. I told the other person they were wrong. Now when I make a mistake, or say something stupid, I admit my error and apologize. Quick story - I did not discover how well this worked because I am virtuous - I discovered it because I didn't want to be responsible for killing anybody. I used to work for an outfit that manufactured control panels and units for high powered electrical stuff. If I made a mistake and whatever I was working on went out the door without anyone else discovering the mistake, there was the potential that down the road someone could be seriously injured or killed. So I got in the practice of letting people know when I screwed up. In turn, when a supervisor asked me about a mistake they discovered and I told them it wasn't mine, they believed me. I think this concept will fit any area of life, not just work.
Third, and probably most important in regaining the trust of those around me and creating a sustainable recovery, I must begin the process of trusting myself. We may not think about this much - I know I didn't, until somebody brought it up. I will write in the first person singular, but I'll bet many can relate: I continually had high aspirations for myself that I was unable to meet because of my illness and/or my substance abuse. I remember saying that I'd never go to jail. I actually did want to finish college. I did want to stay married for the rest of my life. I do want to keep this job. I do want to get up on time tomorrow. I do want to stay sober. I do want to stay sane. Each and every time I broke a promise to myself, each and every time I disappointed myself, I broke my contract with me - I broke my own word. Coming into recovery there's no way I could say to myself or anybody else that I'll never drink again or never get sick again, because I've said that to myself so many times and gone ahead and done it anyway. I did not come into recovery because, "Gosh durn it, I need to start living differently!" I came into recovery because it's the last stop before giving up entirely.
So, how do I begin to trust myself? I think there are a few guidelines I can follow for myself:
1. Watch what I say. Can I do what I say I'm going to do? Or am I just trying to please and appease others?
2. Set reasonable goals. If I plan on showing up somewhere on time, how will that happen? What resources do I need? Do I need to enlist the help of others? This applies, too, to any personal goals I might have. If I say to myself that I'm going to lose 20 pounds by next week, uhm, that's not going to happen. At least not in any way that is healthy and positive.
3. Live a day at a time. No matter what day it is, there's a lot going on. If I'd like to go back to school next year, what can I do today to make that a reality? If I want to have a car 6 months from now, what can I do today to make that happen?
4. Ask for help/be accountable. I'm not an island. I don't live in a vacuum, and everything I do affects somebody else, if only indirectly. So, it makes sense to have someone in my life to whom I go for sound advice/support, and someone with whom I share my plans with so I can be held accountable.
5. Begin to trust in Divine or Universal guidance. I live in a friendly supportive universe that is constantly conspiring for my highest good. (That's a bit of a turnaround from what my view use to be, so I'll say it again: I live in a friendly supportive universe that is constantly and continuously conspiring for my highest good.) The bottom line is that I'd be dead by now if this were not true. So, what does that mean to me? I don't have to manipulate, lie, or steal to receive all I need for today and beyond. I simply have to find the flow and go with it. When I encounter resistance, I can take a step back and see whether that resistance is coming from within or without, and find out what I need to do about it. Trusting that the best days of my life are ahead of me, I don't have to wheel and deal to make it so, and that eliminates just a whole bunch of un-trustworthy type thoughts and behavior right there.
6. Accept that I am human and admit when I make a mistake. And don't beat myself up for it. Mistakes are lessons. Mistakes are indicators that I have room to grow, which is a good thing. Mistakes are indicators that I need a higher power, which is a good thing. Mistakes can be used to help others, which is a good thing. Mistakes are indicators that I'm not better than nor worse than anybody else, and that's a good thing, too. I guess my mistakes are good!
Anyway, I certainly can't change anyone's view of me. What I can change is how I think, behave, and view myself, and how I view others. When I allow others their own opinions and concern myself only with how well I'm living up to my standards, and adjust my behavior accordingly, I'll begin to trust myself, and the trust of others will follow along.
Namaste,
Ken
Thursday, June 2, 2016
Simplicity
In addition to having abstained from alcohol for over a year, I've also found that it has been over a year since I've felt compelled to engage in road rage. That's not a causal relationship; what it is is that my last vehicle took it's final dump in April, 2015, and I haven't replaced it with another motor vehicle. I now walk, ride my bicycle, ask for rides, or ride the bus. If I get road rage while riding the bus, then I've really got issues!
Here are the benefits I've experienced as a result of motor vehicle liberation (that's the positive way of saying 'I don't have a car'):
Increased serenity.
Reduced stress - I don't have the stress of trying to navigate my community's crazy traffic; I no longer worry when my next brake job is due every time I step on the brake; I don't have to worry about the weird noises coming from underneath the hood (I never really did - that's what car radios are made for); I don't have to worry about my vehicle breaking down; and I don't have to worry about how I'm going to fill the gas tank. Add to the list anything you want - insurance expenses, traffic tickets, depreciation, whatever.
Increased health - walking and riding my bike is healthy! And it's more enjoyable, which leads to reduced stress and increased serenity. And when I listen to my MP3 player on the bus, I can meditate or listen to motivational/inspirational messages on my ride in to work.
Money Savings - I haven't actually calculated the amount of money I haven't spent on gas, repairs, and insurance, but I'll bet it's a lot. The reason I haven't calculated that total is because I don't yet make enough money to spend on gas, repairs, and insurance. So, I'm avoiding the stress of figuring out where to get money to support a vehicle and, in turn, I'm reducing stress, increasing serenity, and benefiting my health!
Increased organizational skills - because I can't just hop in my car and go when an idea strikes me, I have to plan my trips to work, to the store, to recovery meetings, to just about everywhere. I have to say 'no' to some opportunities presented me. I have to ask for help sometimes. All of this keeps me more mindful of what I'm doing and where I'm going and what's important to me. If something important to me is happening in Appleton, I'll find a way there.
Smaller carbon footprint - I'm not contributing as much as I used to to world pollution and global warming. I don't really care that much, to be honest, but it is true.
Increased socialization/decreased isolation - this could go either way, really - I could choose to use the excuse of not having a car to avoid interacting w/my fellow human beings, and I have done that a few times. Most of the time, however, I'll ask for a ride and spend time getting to know my chauffeur, and letting them get to know me.
So, for the past year I've experienced all of the above benefits and more. My brain likes to tell me that the more I do, the better off I am. My brain lies a lot. I used to spend a good chunk of each day in my vehicle, running here, going there, doing this and that. Much of it was unproductive and unnecessary. Much of it unnecessarily increased my stress, which in turn decreased my health and serenity. I would take on stuff which wasn't mine to take on, and I seriously complicated my life. I now know that the lifestyle I led contributed greatly to my relapse.
Now, as a responsible adult with a valid driver's license, I know that eventually I will have a car or a van again. I have more responsibilities in my life than I had a year ago, and having my own vehicle will facilitate the fulfillment of my responsibilities. I hope I remember when I do get a vehicle to use it mindfully, and to continue to use my other forms of transportation as well. Most of all I hope to always remember to keep my recovery and my serenity and my health as #1, and to remember that I do not need a motor vehicle to be happy, healthy, and sober.
Namaste,
Ken
Here are the benefits I've experienced as a result of motor vehicle liberation (that's the positive way of saying 'I don't have a car'):
Increased serenity.
Reduced stress - I don't have the stress of trying to navigate my community's crazy traffic; I no longer worry when my next brake job is due every time I step on the brake; I don't have to worry about the weird noises coming from underneath the hood (I never really did - that's what car radios are made for); I don't have to worry about my vehicle breaking down; and I don't have to worry about how I'm going to fill the gas tank. Add to the list anything you want - insurance expenses, traffic tickets, depreciation, whatever.
Increased health - walking and riding my bike is healthy! And it's more enjoyable, which leads to reduced stress and increased serenity. And when I listen to my MP3 player on the bus, I can meditate or listen to motivational/inspirational messages on my ride in to work.
Money Savings - I haven't actually calculated the amount of money I haven't spent on gas, repairs, and insurance, but I'll bet it's a lot. The reason I haven't calculated that total is because I don't yet make enough money to spend on gas, repairs, and insurance. So, I'm avoiding the stress of figuring out where to get money to support a vehicle and, in turn, I'm reducing stress, increasing serenity, and benefiting my health!
Increased organizational skills - because I can't just hop in my car and go when an idea strikes me, I have to plan my trips to work, to the store, to recovery meetings, to just about everywhere. I have to say 'no' to some opportunities presented me. I have to ask for help sometimes. All of this keeps me more mindful of what I'm doing and where I'm going and what's important to me. If something important to me is happening in Appleton, I'll find a way there.
Smaller carbon footprint - I'm not contributing as much as I used to to world pollution and global warming. I don't really care that much, to be honest, but it is true.
Increased socialization/decreased isolation - this could go either way, really - I could choose to use the excuse of not having a car to avoid interacting w/my fellow human beings, and I have done that a few times. Most of the time, however, I'll ask for a ride and spend time getting to know my chauffeur, and letting them get to know me.
So, for the past year I've experienced all of the above benefits and more. My brain likes to tell me that the more I do, the better off I am. My brain lies a lot. I used to spend a good chunk of each day in my vehicle, running here, going there, doing this and that. Much of it was unproductive and unnecessary. Much of it unnecessarily increased my stress, which in turn decreased my health and serenity. I would take on stuff which wasn't mine to take on, and I seriously complicated my life. I now know that the lifestyle I led contributed greatly to my relapse.
Now, as a responsible adult with a valid driver's license, I know that eventually I will have a car or a van again. I have more responsibilities in my life than I had a year ago, and having my own vehicle will facilitate the fulfillment of my responsibilities. I hope I remember when I do get a vehicle to use it mindfully, and to continue to use my other forms of transportation as well. Most of all I hope to always remember to keep my recovery and my serenity and my health as #1, and to remember that I do not need a motor vehicle to be happy, healthy, and sober.
Namaste,
Ken
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
10 Minute Thank You!
One of the blessings of being in recovery/discovery is that there is always something to do, and always adjustments to be made in order to keep life balanced. As new things come into my life, I find I must either find more time and energy, or let go or lessen some of my involvement in other things. And the really neat blessing is since I still can feel overwhelmed if I trip over my shoelace, the new things coming in help me keep my recovery first.
On May 21, 2016, I celebrated 1 year of sobriety. I am very grateful to have finally found the right level of despair that led me to abandon any idea that I knew what I was doing and could manage my own sobriety/mental health. I am grateful to live in a community that has a multitude of resources for people in my position, and grateful to have some really wonderful individuals in my life. I'm also grateful that today my life has more meaning, and that I feel less and less like this is all a big waste of time.
I'm grateful for my recovery groups, I'm grateful for the opportunity to participate, no matter how low I've been. I'm grateful that I'm a better man than I was a year ago, and I'm grateful there's a lot of improvement yet to come.
Most of all I'm grateful for people like you - people who can see past circumstances and appearances and see the good (God) in others, and make the effort to uncover that good.
Thank you for my sobriety. Thank you for my sanity. Thank you for my life.
Namaste,
Ken
On May 21, 2016, I celebrated 1 year of sobriety. I am very grateful to have finally found the right level of despair that led me to abandon any idea that I knew what I was doing and could manage my own sobriety/mental health. I am grateful to live in a community that has a multitude of resources for people in my position, and grateful to have some really wonderful individuals in my life. I'm also grateful that today my life has more meaning, and that I feel less and less like this is all a big waste of time.
I'm grateful for my recovery groups, I'm grateful for the opportunity to participate, no matter how low I've been. I'm grateful that I'm a better man than I was a year ago, and I'm grateful there's a lot of improvement yet to come.
Most of all I'm grateful for people like you - people who can see past circumstances and appearances and see the good (God) in others, and make the effort to uncover that good.
Thank you for my sobriety. Thank you for my sanity. Thank you for my life.
Namaste,
Ken
Saturday, May 14, 2016
Community
I moved to the community in which I now live almost 3 years ago. The reason in my mind was two-fold - I wanted to get out of the community I lived in at that time, which happens to be the same community in which I physically grew up, and I wanted to be closer to where most of the people I know live.
I got a whole lot more than I expected. I found a home.
All of my life I've wanted to be somewhere else. That is such a sad statement, but it's true. I used to hate the community in which I grew up physically (I say 'physically' because I'm not done growing up emotionally or spiritually). When I turned 18, I moved away from that community into a community that I thought I'd like a lot better. I did. But I didn't find a home. I didn't belong there, either.
Then I spent a lot of time moving around and roaming. I didn't know I was looking for a home. Maybe I wasn't. Maybe I was just moving around and roaming. Maybe I was still trying to move away from that which I hated - myself.
Then, in a really misguided attempt to reconcile with my past, I moved back to the community in which I grew up physically. You've probably heard of taking a second bite of the same shit sandwich. Yep, that's it alright.
Then I moved here. I didn't feel at home immediately, but the past several months I've noticed that I really, really like living here. And the reason I mention it is because it is a strange, new, wonderful feeling. I was walking down the street I live on this morning, looking at the houses and the lawns and breathing the air, and loving where I was. I like the fact that every day when I go somewhere in my new hometown I see somebody I know.
A few weeks ago at work I had occasion to speak to someone from Mt. Airy, North Carolina. I said to her, "Now, it's my understanding that Mt. Airy is Mayberry, is that correct?" and she said it was. Then I said, "That must be a very nice place to live," and she said it was.
I like it here because I can be me here. I like it here because, for some reason, I feel like I'm supposed to be here. I like the river, I like the parks, I like the people I've met and I'm going to meet. I don't like the traffic, but I haven't driven in a year, so so what?
So, for whatever reason, I am home. I don't know if I'll always live here. I'll go where life takes me. But I get the feeling that moving forward, wherever I go, I'll be at home.
Namaste,
Ken
I got a whole lot more than I expected. I found a home.
All of my life I've wanted to be somewhere else. That is such a sad statement, but it's true. I used to hate the community in which I grew up physically (I say 'physically' because I'm not done growing up emotionally or spiritually). When I turned 18, I moved away from that community into a community that I thought I'd like a lot better. I did. But I didn't find a home. I didn't belong there, either.
Then I spent a lot of time moving around and roaming. I didn't know I was looking for a home. Maybe I wasn't. Maybe I was just moving around and roaming. Maybe I was still trying to move away from that which I hated - myself.
Then, in a really misguided attempt to reconcile with my past, I moved back to the community in which I grew up physically. You've probably heard of taking a second bite of the same shit sandwich. Yep, that's it alright.
Then I moved here. I didn't feel at home immediately, but the past several months I've noticed that I really, really like living here. And the reason I mention it is because it is a strange, new, wonderful feeling. I was walking down the street I live on this morning, looking at the houses and the lawns and breathing the air, and loving where I was. I like the fact that every day when I go somewhere in my new hometown I see somebody I know.
A few weeks ago at work I had occasion to speak to someone from Mt. Airy, North Carolina. I said to her, "Now, it's my understanding that Mt. Airy is Mayberry, is that correct?" and she said it was. Then I said, "That must be a very nice place to live," and she said it was.
I like it here because I can be me here. I like it here because, for some reason, I feel like I'm supposed to be here. I like the river, I like the parks, I like the people I've met and I'm going to meet. I don't like the traffic, but I haven't driven in a year, so so what?
So, for whatever reason, I am home. I don't know if I'll always live here. I'll go where life takes me. But I get the feeling that moving forward, wherever I go, I'll be at home.
Namaste,
Ken
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