For me, hope is the most important ingredient in recovery. Without hope, I have no desire. Without hope, I have no willingness. Without hope, honesty and open-mindedness does very little. Without hope, there is no faith.
I have been hopeless many times before. Hopelessness is a dark, lonely, cold place. There is nothing to hold onto, nothing to comfort me. Hopelessness is painful, deeply painful.
Paradoxically enough, I do not think I would be alive today if it were not for my addiction. Hopelessness is pure and final; nothing will change it. But my addiction gives me one small hope - that I can change the way I feel, ease the pain, if only a little. I can't always find hope, but I can almost always find a bottle or a pill - something. The paradox of the paradox is that if I continue to look for hope in a bottle, eventually I'll die.
Each time that I've taken a stab at recovery, I have started with a glimmer of hope - a hope that things would be different this time, that I could wake up and step out of myself and learn to live and enjoy this life. I've then done what I thought I needed to do in order to recover. Eventually, the depression, being mostly untreated, would come back, slowly chewing up whatever hope and positive outlook I had gained, until I reached the darkness of hopelessness again.
Today I believe that hope doesn't leave. Those things that are mine by right of being a child of God, like love, hope, joy, peace, faith, acceptance, humility, etc., never really leave; but they can be obscured by trauma, active addiction, and error thinking. In plain English, I can pile a mountain of shit on top of any of my spiritual gifts and obscure them to the point of hopelessness, or even, I suppose, lifelessness.
So those times that I felt hopeless, I really was not; I had backed myself into a corner by my thinking and my actions which led me to believe there was no hope for me.
My re-discovery of hope seems hard-won these past 15 months. It did not come quickly or easily, and I suppose that is probably a good thing. I may be learning what I heard a really long time ago - that nothing truly good comes to us without some effort. Or, better put, I think, is that the recognition and actualization of our true assets takes a good deal of consistent effort.
If hope is something I'll always have, but don't necessarily always recognize, what can I do to uncover hope within me an let it flourish? Gratitude is a good way to start. When I am grateful for all I have and all I am, the gratitude sustains hope. It is helpful to be grateful every day - not only for the seemingly good, but also for the seemingly bad. When I experience the seemingly bad - let's say an illness, a financial setback, an apparent rejection - it is what I do with that experience that determines whether it's bad or not. I can spend all day on that topic; but as it relates to hope, I can know immediately that if I look for the good in the seemingly bad, I will find it (eventually).
Another good way to nurture hope is to give it away. I am extremely blessed to be able to share my story of recovery with others who are just beginning their recoveries. During the day, I can get a little preoccupied with my 'problems' or issues. When I meet someone who is new in recovery and I share my experience, strength, and hope with them, I hardly remember my 'problems'. I recognize that I have very little to gripe about.
A few weeks ago I rode in the MS 150 - a weekend bike ride supporting the National Multiple Sclerosis Society. During the ride, I passed by a car for sale that really caught my eye:
This is a 1970 Cadillac Fleetwood Brougham. It is in very good condition, and it has 34,000 miles on it. The seller wants $9900 for it; I did a little research, and that's probably a fair price. I would like to purchase this car. If I had around $9000 lying around, I would purchase this car.
Why do I mention this in a quasi-spiritual blog in a post about hope? Because hope has nothing to do with apparent reality. Hope says I can be different than I am today. Hope says I am prosperous; I simply need to clear away the blocks that are keeping me from realizing it. Hope says that nothing material or spiritual is out of my grasp. In fact, the more outlandish the dream, the better. Half a century ago, Martin Luther King, Jr., had a dream, and he instilled hope in millions of citizens. He believed that all people deserved to live in freedom, despite a ton of evidence to the contrary. He gave his life for this dream, which is still being brought to fruition today.
Remember how I said that I have had a lifelong belief that I would never be able to handle life? That I'd never learn to care for myself? Hope says find evidence to the contrary and focus on that. It was just about one year ago that I moved out of the halfway house (which I now work at) on my own, and became what I consider a responsible citizen who takes care of himself. I have been doing something for the past year that I have never done before in this lifetime - I have housed myself, clothed myself, fed myself, and maintained myself without having to lean on others for financial support. And during that time I've also paid back debt of over $3000. I am living something that I never thought possible. My reality used to be that I would always be dependent and needy. Today my reality is much different. I carry that with me knowing that even greater things lie ahead for me.
And another thing about hope: I know that if I can do it, anyone can. We're not miserable sinners stuck on a crappy rock for six or seven decades, serving a life sentence with the hope of heaven in the afterlife. Heaven is right here right now, within each one of us. It's a matter of each of us seeking it within ourselves and sharing what we discover with others.
Namaste,
Ken
Hi Dear Reader(s),
I ran across an article in Sunday's Milwaukee Journal/Sentinel Business Section entitled "Website Chronicles Patient Experience," about a project at UW-Madison to bring a UK project to the US. The article lists a website where patients' experiences with depression are chronicled, and I thought I would share this link to 1), shed some light on what living with depression is like, and 2), get you to look it over and report back to me, because I might not get to it and then forget about it.
Here it is:
http://healthexperiencesusa.org/
So, please check it out when you get a chance, and see if it is a good site to look at.
Namaste,
Ken
Personal responsibility is one of my most important ideals. Please note that an ideal is like a target - I practice personal responsibility, but I'm far from perfect. I do not believe that I can achieve healthy, long term physical and emotional sobriety and good mental (and physical!) health without personal responsibility. As I quoted in an earlier posts, victims don't stay sober.
I used to say to a lot of situations that came up in my life, "God, I don't need this shit!" I have since come to believe that those situations were exactly the ones I did need, even though they seemed to interfere with MY plans.
Some years back, I studied a bit about Edgar Cayce, termed the "Sleeping Prophet". He would go into trances and help people heal from all sorts of issues by contacting The Source. What I learned is that we come to this plane of existence with some sort of purpose, and we are set up in our lifetime to fulfill this purpose. It's a win-win sort of thing if I can figure out what my purpose is and let it happen. Edgar also said that we can make other choices, and go other directions, but that we do have a definite purpose.
My belief today, and I've heard others intimate this, is that I came into this lifetime with a purpose, a framework of sorts, that I've agreed to do. This relies on the theory that in the beginning, there was God (Source), and that was it - nothing else. God wanted to know itself, but since God was all there was, it was impossible. So, God created - beings and planets and stuff that were God-like, but not exactly God. In other words, in order for God to know itself, it had to know not-God. God wants to experience itself in all of its glory, so it creates beings (us) that are conscious, but don't necessarily know that we are connected with Spirit (and with each other). As we grow in awareness of our God aspects, we create and live and give, and that's what we see going on all around us - humanity remembering who it is. (To me, it makes a lot more sense than a fall from grace and vicarious atonement through blood sacrifice. That never sat very well with me).
A lot of times now when I'm going through something that I find unpleasant, or I don't really want to do, I say, "God, I asked for this?" and I imagine God smiling and saying, "yep, you did!" What this does for me is that it tells me that it's all good - that whatever I'm experiencing is ok, and will turn out fine. What this way to believe does for me is it makes all that I've experienced in this lifetime meaningful - not necessarily understandable, but meaningful. It also gives me hope that I can learn and grow. It would be a very cruel and unusual God that would make Its beloved go thru several useless cycles of recovery and relapse and then die from alcoholism and depression. What a waste!
So, why explain the way I look at the Universe? Because it explains how I try to look at life, and my place in it, and my relationship to others (we're all connected - even the people I don't like). And it's the best way I've discovered (or remembered) to deal with the things in life that I don't like, or don't think are fair, and get through it all not only with dignity and grace, but also successfully. At least if you look at my definition of success. And lastly, because it's important to know in order to read my next post.
Namaste,
Ken
In this moment, I am free.
In this moment, I am healthy.
In this moment, I love myself.
In this moment, I am loved.
In this moment, I am connected.
In this moment, I am enough.
In this moment, I am peace.
In this moment, I am perfect.
In this moment, I am calm.
In this moment, I am rich.
In this moment, I am strong.
In this moment, I am courageous.
In this moment, I am well.
In this moment, I am blessed.
In this moment, I am beautiful.
In this moment, I am secure.
Namaste,
Ken
There may already be a post about this, but this is one of those things that I can probably work on forever. I was introduced to this concept over 20 years ago, and have yet to fully swallow and digest. What it basically is is that by virtue of the fact that we are here, we are worthwhile. We are all children of One Loving Creator, and therefore we are all made from good stuff, connected to the Creator and connected to each other.
Lots of us, me included, learned something different. Lots of us learned that we had to earn the love of God, (and in turn, others), and that we have to work to be 'good enough'. Some of us got the idea that we'd probably never be good enough, no matter how hard we tried.
I really wish I could just scream "Bullshit!" and that would take care of it, but it doesn't.
What I'm doing in CBT is discovering beliefs that I acquired long ago that no longer serve my best interests (they might have at one time) or highest good, and that need replacing. This process is laborious, especially regarding the 'I'm not good enough' belief - it seems to crop up in a lot of ways and a lot of disguises.
The problem with erroneous beliefs is a phenomenon called Self Fulfilling Prophecy - if I tell myself, or somebody else tells me, something enough times, I will begin to believe it and act it out. Basically, it says that if I believe I'm a screw-up, I will either look for or create evidence to prove I'm a screw-up. If I think that I am not worthy, I will find and/or create evidence to prove that I am not worthy.
Why is this coming up now? I've encountered a situation in which this belief has shown itself to be operative and it is preventing me from accepting something good into my life.
I very often feel as if I don't measure up - sometimes physically, but more often with who I am or how I show up, either as a man, an employee, or a friend. When I encounter this feeling, or thoughts, the treatment is to examine the evidence, decide whether or not the evidence backs up my belief, and then come up with a new belief to replace the old one. Over the past 3 years, I've encountered enough evidence to be able to question the belief that I'm not good enough. Lately, I've been noticing positive changes in my behavior toward myself that indicate the belief is changing. However, it's a slow process, and one that can't be given up on, or I'll slide back.
I do not want to instill the belief that 'I am good enough', because, to me, it implies that there is a 'not good enough' possible in me or anybody else. What I would like to know, in my head and my heart, is that I am enough, you are enough, we are enough. We may not always show it or know it, but we are all beloved children of our Creator, and we are all worthwhile. Additionally, none of us is more or less worthwhile than anyone else at any time.
This is a fine ideal, but, like the ideals expressed in our Declaration of Independence, sometimes challenging to live up to.
I want to feel inside that I can rightfully accept all of the blessings and abundance that are mine to accept, and to deeply understand that 'measuring up' (or not) is a function of a misinformed ego.
I'll continue to let you know how it goes.
Namaste,
Ken
I was recalling today my last relapse, which took place in early April, 2015. Obviously, if you've read my previous posts, you'd know that the relapse began way before that, with my thinking and my actions; but the actual breaking of my abstinence from alcohol took place in early April.
The straw that broke the camel's back was that my vehicle, which I needed for my livelihood at the time, took a major dump. I originally started my business with my Monte Carlo, which was a really nice car. I decided I needed a small van, because the Monte Carlo was not a good car to use for hauling equipment. I did a quick sale on the Monte Carlo for less than it was worth, and paid $500 for a Town and Country minivan that had over 200,000 miles. Now, I did get my money's worth out of the van - it definitely paid for itself. However, I tried running it long after it should have been declared dead, and it ended up costing quite a bit before I finally let it go. Then I was vehicle-less for awhile, and this was in the middle of winter. So, I suspended my business for a couple of months, and relied mainly upon my part-time job at the hardware store. Getting there was difficult, and I asked some people for a lot of rides. Then I bought a temporary interim car (a Grand Prix) to use while I waited for my next van, and that was somewhat helpful. I then purchased my last ride, the Astro Van. That went fairly well for a couple of months, and then the head gasket blew. I would have had to fix the head gasket or buy a rebuilt engine to get this van running again, and I just did not have the resources for that.
I had the van towed to my mechanic's garage. One of my first thoughts was, "I wonder what kind of wonderful story will come from this?", which is actually very good thinking; however, I did not believe it. I did not understand at the time what the real problem was. This is what is important:
I did not understand at the time what the real problem was.
I spent the next couple of days trying to figure out how I could fix the van or replace it, or what I could do to make money real quick. I spent all of my energy looking at ways to keep my fledgling business alive. Finally, after 3 days, I lost all hope, and decided that I will never succeed at anything in life and I might as well be dead, and I began the potentially fatal business of drinking.
Not once during those three days did I consider the questions, "How will I put my recovery first and stay sober through this?", or, "What do I need to change in me?" Not once did I consider this to be an indicator that I was sick inside, and that I needed to begin healing. I was a time bomb waiting for the next shoe to drop (that's mixing metaphors, by the way).
The problem was, and I was so unaware of it, that the change must come from within before it shows up without.
When I began to accept that I have lots of healing to do, and that that healing must come first, my recovery began. When I began to accept that the problem is not life itself, but my reactions to life, my recovery began. When I began to accept that I was a part of the universe, not the center of it and not apart from it, but a part of it, my recovery began. When I began to accept that I need to listen to others as well as myself, my recovery began. When I began to accept that the only thing I have to do today is do my best to stay in recovery, my recovery began. When I began to believe that there might be a diamond hidden underneath piles of shit, and when I picked up the tools to start digging, my recovery began.
Was it inevitable, did I need to drink again to begin this discovery? I've heard that I needed absolutely everything I've experienced to get to where I am today, and I've debated that. But, looking back today, I needed to be defeated physically, mentally, and spiritually in order to begin to accept real recovery. Am I glad I had my last relapse? No. It was painful, and it really sucked, and I'm still paying for it today. I am very grateful for what has come from that, and I am so grateful to be living the life I'm living today. I am rich and truly blessed.
Namaste,
Ken
I get much of my inspiration from Science of Mind, the monthly magazine put out by Religious Science, one of the prevalent New Thought philosophies/ways of looking at God/life. The following is an excerpt, taken from the July 15, 2016, daily guide written by the Rev. Dr. Judy Morley. This month's daily guide emphasis is on Freedom, and I thought I'd share today's reading:
Speak Up
The minute a person whose word means a great deal dares to take the open-hearted and courageous way, many others follow. - Marian Anderson
Who knows what would transpire if all [people] would speak the truth? - "The Science of Mind, " Ernest Holmes, p. 56.
In 1939, famed contralto Marian Anderson was scheduled to perform at Washington's Constitution Hall, but her concert was canceled at the last minute by the venue's owners, the Daughters of the American Revolution, because Anderson was black.
First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt was outraged. She resigned her membership from the DAR and arranged for Anderson to perform at the Lincoln Memorial. The subsequent audience of 75,000 people was more than 20 times the number of people who could have fit into Constitution Hall. By speaking up, Roosevelt helped Anderson raise awareness about the breadth of discrimination in America.
Where in your life does your word mean a great deal? Are you speaking up or do you "go along to get along"? It can be difficult to face our friends and peers with an unpopular stance, but it is by speaking up that we exercise our spiritual freedom and stay in integrity with who we really are.
If we stay silent for fear of hurting someone's feelings or being judged for our opinion, we are hiding that divine spark within us and contributing to our own bondage [emphasis added].
Affirmation
I speak my truth, knowing that the truth will set me free.
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Namaste,
Ken
