In this moment, I am free.
In this moment, I am healthy.
In this moment, I love myself.
In this moment, I am loved.
In this moment, I am connected.
In this moment, I am enough.
In this moment, I am peace.
In this moment, I am perfect.
In this moment, I am calm.
In this moment, I am rich.
In this moment, I am strong.
In this moment, I am courageous.
In this moment, I am well.
In this moment, I am blessed.
In this moment, I am beautiful.
In this moment, I am secure.
Namaste,
Ken
Tuesday, July 19, 2016
I Am Enough
There may already be a post about this, but this is one of those things that I can probably work on forever. I was introduced to this concept over 20 years ago, and have yet to fully swallow and digest. What it basically is is that by virtue of the fact that we are here, we are worthwhile. We are all children of One Loving Creator, and therefore we are all made from good stuff, connected to the Creator and connected to each other.
Lots of us, me included, learned something different. Lots of us learned that we had to earn the love of God, (and in turn, others), and that we have to work to be 'good enough'. Some of us got the idea that we'd probably never be good enough, no matter how hard we tried.
I really wish I could just scream "Bullshit!" and that would take care of it, but it doesn't.
What I'm doing in CBT is discovering beliefs that I acquired long ago that no longer serve my best interests (they might have at one time) or highest good, and that need replacing. This process is laborious, especially regarding the 'I'm not good enough' belief - it seems to crop up in a lot of ways and a lot of disguises.
The problem with erroneous beliefs is a phenomenon called Self Fulfilling Prophecy - if I tell myself, or somebody else tells me, something enough times, I will begin to believe it and act it out. Basically, it says that if I believe I'm a screw-up, I will either look for or create evidence to prove I'm a screw-up. If I think that I am not worthy, I will find and/or create evidence to prove that I am not worthy.
Why is this coming up now? I've encountered a situation in which this belief has shown itself to be operative and it is preventing me from accepting something good into my life.
I very often feel as if I don't measure up - sometimes physically, but more often with who I am or how I show up, either as a man, an employee, or a friend. When I encounter this feeling, or thoughts, the treatment is to examine the evidence, decide whether or not the evidence backs up my belief, and then come up with a new belief to replace the old one. Over the past 3 years, I've encountered enough evidence to be able to question the belief that I'm not good enough. Lately, I've been noticing positive changes in my behavior toward myself that indicate the belief is changing. However, it's a slow process, and one that can't be given up on, or I'll slide back.
I do not want to instill the belief that 'I am good enough', because, to me, it implies that there is a 'not good enough' possible in me or anybody else. What I would like to know, in my head and my heart, is that I am enough, you are enough, we are enough. We may not always show it or know it, but we are all beloved children of our Creator, and we are all worthwhile. Additionally, none of us is more or less worthwhile than anyone else at any time.
This is a fine ideal, but, like the ideals expressed in our Declaration of Independence, sometimes challenging to live up to.
I want to feel inside that I can rightfully accept all of the blessings and abundance that are mine to accept, and to deeply understand that 'measuring up' (or not) is a function of a misinformed ego.
I'll continue to let you know how it goes.
Namaste,
Ken
Lots of us, me included, learned something different. Lots of us learned that we had to earn the love of God, (and in turn, others), and that we have to work to be 'good enough'. Some of us got the idea that we'd probably never be good enough, no matter how hard we tried.
I really wish I could just scream "Bullshit!" and that would take care of it, but it doesn't.
What I'm doing in CBT is discovering beliefs that I acquired long ago that no longer serve my best interests (they might have at one time) or highest good, and that need replacing. This process is laborious, especially regarding the 'I'm not good enough' belief - it seems to crop up in a lot of ways and a lot of disguises.
The problem with erroneous beliefs is a phenomenon called Self Fulfilling Prophecy - if I tell myself, or somebody else tells me, something enough times, I will begin to believe it and act it out. Basically, it says that if I believe I'm a screw-up, I will either look for or create evidence to prove I'm a screw-up. If I think that I am not worthy, I will find and/or create evidence to prove that I am not worthy.
Why is this coming up now? I've encountered a situation in which this belief has shown itself to be operative and it is preventing me from accepting something good into my life.
I very often feel as if I don't measure up - sometimes physically, but more often with who I am or how I show up, either as a man, an employee, or a friend. When I encounter this feeling, or thoughts, the treatment is to examine the evidence, decide whether or not the evidence backs up my belief, and then come up with a new belief to replace the old one. Over the past 3 years, I've encountered enough evidence to be able to question the belief that I'm not good enough. Lately, I've been noticing positive changes in my behavior toward myself that indicate the belief is changing. However, it's a slow process, and one that can't be given up on, or I'll slide back.
I do not want to instill the belief that 'I am good enough', because, to me, it implies that there is a 'not good enough' possible in me or anybody else. What I would like to know, in my head and my heart, is that I am enough, you are enough, we are enough. We may not always show it or know it, but we are all beloved children of our Creator, and we are all worthwhile. Additionally, none of us is more or less worthwhile than anyone else at any time.
This is a fine ideal, but, like the ideals expressed in our Declaration of Independence, sometimes challenging to live up to.
I want to feel inside that I can rightfully accept all of the blessings and abundance that are mine to accept, and to deeply understand that 'measuring up' (or not) is a function of a misinformed ego.
I'll continue to let you know how it goes.
Namaste,
Ken
Friday, July 15, 2016
3 Days
I was recalling today my last relapse, which took place in early April, 2015. Obviously, if you've read my previous posts, you'd know that the relapse began way before that, with my thinking and my actions; but the actual breaking of my abstinence from alcohol took place in early April.
The straw that broke the camel's back was that my vehicle, which I needed for my livelihood at the time, took a major dump. I originally started my business with my Monte Carlo, which was a really nice car. I decided I needed a small van, because the Monte Carlo was not a good car to use for hauling equipment. I did a quick sale on the Monte Carlo for less than it was worth, and paid $500 for a Town and Country minivan that had over 200,000 miles. Now, I did get my money's worth out of the van - it definitely paid for itself. However, I tried running it long after it should have been declared dead, and it ended up costing quite a bit before I finally let it go. Then I was vehicle-less for awhile, and this was in the middle of winter. So, I suspended my business for a couple of months, and relied mainly upon my part-time job at the hardware store. Getting there was difficult, and I asked some people for a lot of rides. Then I bought a temporary interim car (a Grand Prix) to use while I waited for my next van, and that was somewhat helpful. I then purchased my last ride, the Astro Van. That went fairly well for a couple of months, and then the head gasket blew. I would have had to fix the head gasket or buy a rebuilt engine to get this van running again, and I just did not have the resources for that.
I had the van towed to my mechanic's garage. One of my first thoughts was, "I wonder what kind of wonderful story will come from this?", which is actually very good thinking; however, I did not believe it. I did not understand at the time what the real problem was. This is what is important:
I did not understand at the time what the real problem was.
I spent the next couple of days trying to figure out how I could fix the van or replace it, or what I could do to make money real quick. I spent all of my energy looking at ways to keep my fledgling business alive. Finally, after 3 days, I lost all hope, and decided that I will never succeed at anything in life and I might as well be dead, and I began the potentially fatal business of drinking.
Not once during those three days did I consider the questions, "How will I put my recovery first and stay sober through this?", or, "What do I need to change in me?" Not once did I consider this to be an indicator that I was sick inside, and that I needed to begin healing. I was a time bomb waiting for the next shoe to drop (that's mixing metaphors, by the way).
The problem was, and I was so unaware of it, that the change must come from within before it shows up without.
When I began to accept that I have lots of healing to do, and that that healing must come first, my recovery began. When I began to accept that the problem is not life itself, but my reactions to life, my recovery began. When I began to accept that I was a part of the universe, not the center of it and not apart from it, but a part of it, my recovery began. When I began to accept that I need to listen to others as well as myself, my recovery began. When I began to accept that the only thing I have to do today is do my best to stay in recovery, my recovery began. When I began to believe that there might be a diamond hidden underneath piles of shit, and when I picked up the tools to start digging, my recovery began.
Was it inevitable, did I need to drink again to begin this discovery? I've heard that I needed absolutely everything I've experienced to get to where I am today, and I've debated that. But, looking back today, I needed to be defeated physically, mentally, and spiritually in order to begin to accept real recovery. Am I glad I had my last relapse? No. It was painful, and it really sucked, and I'm still paying for it today. I am very grateful for what has come from that, and I am so grateful to be living the life I'm living today. I am rich and truly blessed.
Namaste,
Ken
The straw that broke the camel's back was that my vehicle, which I needed for my livelihood at the time, took a major dump. I originally started my business with my Monte Carlo, which was a really nice car. I decided I needed a small van, because the Monte Carlo was not a good car to use for hauling equipment. I did a quick sale on the Monte Carlo for less than it was worth, and paid $500 for a Town and Country minivan that had over 200,000 miles. Now, I did get my money's worth out of the van - it definitely paid for itself. However, I tried running it long after it should have been declared dead, and it ended up costing quite a bit before I finally let it go. Then I was vehicle-less for awhile, and this was in the middle of winter. So, I suspended my business for a couple of months, and relied mainly upon my part-time job at the hardware store. Getting there was difficult, and I asked some people for a lot of rides. Then I bought a temporary interim car (a Grand Prix) to use while I waited for my next van, and that was somewhat helpful. I then purchased my last ride, the Astro Van. That went fairly well for a couple of months, and then the head gasket blew. I would have had to fix the head gasket or buy a rebuilt engine to get this van running again, and I just did not have the resources for that.
I had the van towed to my mechanic's garage. One of my first thoughts was, "I wonder what kind of wonderful story will come from this?", which is actually very good thinking; however, I did not believe it. I did not understand at the time what the real problem was. This is what is important:
I did not understand at the time what the real problem was.
I spent the next couple of days trying to figure out how I could fix the van or replace it, or what I could do to make money real quick. I spent all of my energy looking at ways to keep my fledgling business alive. Finally, after 3 days, I lost all hope, and decided that I will never succeed at anything in life and I might as well be dead, and I began the potentially fatal business of drinking.
Not once during those three days did I consider the questions, "How will I put my recovery first and stay sober through this?", or, "What do I need to change in me?" Not once did I consider this to be an indicator that I was sick inside, and that I needed to begin healing. I was a time bomb waiting for the next shoe to drop (that's mixing metaphors, by the way).
The problem was, and I was so unaware of it, that the change must come from within before it shows up without.
When I began to accept that I have lots of healing to do, and that that healing must come first, my recovery began. When I began to accept that the problem is not life itself, but my reactions to life, my recovery began. When I began to accept that I was a part of the universe, not the center of it and not apart from it, but a part of it, my recovery began. When I began to accept that I need to listen to others as well as myself, my recovery began. When I began to accept that the only thing I have to do today is do my best to stay in recovery, my recovery began. When I began to believe that there might be a diamond hidden underneath piles of shit, and when I picked up the tools to start digging, my recovery began.
Was it inevitable, did I need to drink again to begin this discovery? I've heard that I needed absolutely everything I've experienced to get to where I am today, and I've debated that. But, looking back today, I needed to be defeated physically, mentally, and spiritually in order to begin to accept real recovery. Am I glad I had my last relapse? No. It was painful, and it really sucked, and I'm still paying for it today. I am very grateful for what has come from that, and I am so grateful to be living the life I'm living today. I am rich and truly blessed.
Namaste,
Ken
Speak Up
I get much of my inspiration from Science of Mind, the monthly magazine put out by Religious Science, one of the prevalent New Thought philosophies/ways of looking at God/life. The following is an excerpt, taken from the July 15, 2016, daily guide written by the Rev. Dr. Judy Morley. This month's daily guide emphasis is on Freedom, and I thought I'd share today's reading:
Speak Up
The minute a person whose word means a great deal dares to take the open-hearted and courageous way, many others follow. - Marian Anderson
Who knows what would transpire if all [people] would speak the truth? - "The Science of Mind, " Ernest Holmes, p. 56.
In 1939, famed contralto Marian Anderson was scheduled to perform at Washington's Constitution Hall, but her concert was canceled at the last minute by the venue's owners, the Daughters of the American Revolution, because Anderson was black.
First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt was outraged. She resigned her membership from the DAR and arranged for Anderson to perform at the Lincoln Memorial. The subsequent audience of 75,000 people was more than 20 times the number of people who could have fit into Constitution Hall. By speaking up, Roosevelt helped Anderson raise awareness about the breadth of discrimination in America.
Where in your life does your word mean a great deal? Are you speaking up or do you "go along to get along"? It can be difficult to face our friends and peers with an unpopular stance, but it is by speaking up that we exercise our spiritual freedom and stay in integrity with who we really are.
If we stay silent for fear of hurting someone's feelings or being judged for our opinion, we are hiding that divine spark within us and contributing to our own bondage [emphasis added].
Affirmation
I speak my truth, knowing that the truth will set me free.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Namaste,
Ken
Speak Up
The minute a person whose word means a great deal dares to take the open-hearted and courageous way, many others follow. - Marian Anderson
Who knows what would transpire if all [people] would speak the truth? - "The Science of Mind, " Ernest Holmes, p. 56.
In 1939, famed contralto Marian Anderson was scheduled to perform at Washington's Constitution Hall, but her concert was canceled at the last minute by the venue's owners, the Daughters of the American Revolution, because Anderson was black.
First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt was outraged. She resigned her membership from the DAR and arranged for Anderson to perform at the Lincoln Memorial. The subsequent audience of 75,000 people was more than 20 times the number of people who could have fit into Constitution Hall. By speaking up, Roosevelt helped Anderson raise awareness about the breadth of discrimination in America.
Where in your life does your word mean a great deal? Are you speaking up or do you "go along to get along"? It can be difficult to face our friends and peers with an unpopular stance, but it is by speaking up that we exercise our spiritual freedom and stay in integrity with who we really are.
If we stay silent for fear of hurting someone's feelings or being judged for our opinion, we are hiding that divine spark within us and contributing to our own bondage [emphasis added].
Affirmation
I speak my truth, knowing that the truth will set me free.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Namaste,
Ken
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
I Have a Voice, Part Two
In order to stay in recovery, one of the things I must practice is releasing blame. I heard a speaker say recently, “Victims don’t stay sober.” And I can probably extrapolate from that that victims don’t maintain mental/emotional health, either. I don’t necessarily need to accept responsibility for everything that has happened to me; however, I do need to accept responsibility for my reactions and I do need to accept responsibility for my healing. Others may assist in my healing, pointing things out to me, holding my hand, and/or guiding the way, but in the end, I am the person responsible for my life. A big part of accepting responsibility is acknowledging and accepting those instances where my thinking and actions have been less than skillful, forgiving myself, and learning new, more skillful ways to think and act.
All that being said, I wanted to write down a couple of things I experienced while I was an elementary school student that I’ve never written down before, and almost never talked about. The first is what I remember from 1st grade: I remember standing in the corner in the front of the classroom with my back toward the class. I turned around to look at the class, and my 1st grade teacher said, very sternly, “Turn around. Nobody wants to see your face.” This is one of those things that some folks can use for humorous stories later in life. Not me. First, I do not remember to this day what I said or did that sent me into the corner. Second, as was my custom back then, I never talked about this incident – to anybody. Third, I believed what she said, and my thinking back then was that if somebody was pissed at me, they were pissed off for life. There was no forgiveness, or problem resolution or anything like that. Each ‘bad’ thing I did, each mistake I made, became another brick in my wall of self-hatred that separated me from you, God, and everybody else.
The second thing that impacted me greatly in elementary school involved the band. Starting in the 5th grade, we had the opportunity to begin to learn to play band instruments and take lessons. The instructor was on loan from the middle school. I was interested in learning to play the baritone. I am musically inclined, and had begun my piano studies some 3 years earlier. The band met before school started in the little library. Due to the low amount of regular attendees, the instructor began thinking about cutting out the band program at our school. I did not want to lose this opportunity, and I voiced (to somebody, I don't remember exactly who) that I really would like the band to continue. I remember a teacher, a Mrs. ____, telling me in no uncertain terms that whether or not the band existed was none of my business, and that I needed to learn to keep my opinions to myself. As I write this, I feel a great amount of sadness, hurt, and anger. Back then, I probably felt that too, but, per my M.O., I kept it to myself.
I use these examples to illustrate what I learned very early in life - #1, I needed to avoid pissing anybody off. #2, If I needed or wanted something, the thing to do was not to ask, but to somehow get what I wanted without you knowing I was getting what I wanted. Over the years, I honed my skills at being a devious little shit.
There have been lots of consequences from running my life this way, not the least of which has been spending 5 years of my life incarcerated in jail and prison. The deeper damage was that I never learned to express my true self in appropriate and healthy ways, and I stuffed a lot and I tried to drink and drug a lot away. I really am surprised to this day that I am as physically healthy as I am. I understand that stuffing our feelings and covering up who we are creates all sorts of stress-related disease processes in our body, and, so far, all I seem to have acquired is alcoholism and depression. I suppose that's enough.
Today I am learning a different way. I'm learning that, yes, there are some people who do want to see my face, despite the fact that sometimes I do and/or say stuff that is inappropriate. Today I'm learning that it is ok to be human, that the experience, though messy and fraught with trials and tribulations, is quite natural and normal and can sometimes be quite joyful. Today I'm learning that I was not created to cover up who I am, but to discover who I am and to share who I am (appropriately) with others. And I'm learning that it's ok for someone to be pissed off at what I say or do, that my responsibility is not to regulate anyone else's feelings, but to regulate my thoughts, feelings, and actions so that I am always endeavoring to express the best of that which I am capable. Today I'm learning to ask for what I need or want, and that it's ok to be told no. Today I'm learning that it is much better to be up front, that my desires aren't wrong, they are simply my desires.
It's a long process. This blog is part of that process. Sharing my story in person with others is part of the process. Openly and honestly interacting with others is part of the process. To this day, there's not a day that goes by that I don't hear the critical voice in my head telling me how stupid I am for speaking up or for taking risks. I don't think there's a medication to shut that voice up, but I think I'm teaching that voice bit by bit that I am safe and loved, and it is ok for me to have a voice and express who I am.
Namaste,
Ken
Friday, June 24, 2016
I Have a Voice, Part One
In former posts I have shared a little about some of the organizations I utilize to support my recovery. The organizations to which I belong are very important to me. Every human being has value and worth simply by virtue of being here. That is the Truth. I understand that concept in my head, and I can understand it for others, but I have difficulty most of the time understanding it for myself in my heart. When out there in the world, I can easily get lost. I don't know who I am, and when I look to others to figure that out, I end up comparing, and I usually end up on the short side. I am unable to recognize on my own what a truly wonderful and unique expression of Spirit I am, and I go back to the old belief that I can't fit it, I can't measure up, and I might as well be dead.
Fortunately, I have found groups of people with shared experiences who are on the same path as I am. One of these groups is the Waukesha Chapter of NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness). When I began my recovery a little over a year ago, it was suggested to me by more than one person that I might check out a NAMI support group. Even though I've made a home in substance abuse recovery groups for years, I was reticent about checking out NAMI or any other mental health support groups. A bunch of people sitting around talking about their mental illnesses did not sound like a very fun time. It sounded sort of depressing, and I didn't need any help in getting depressed - I manage that pretty well on my own!
But, because I was desperate and willing to do anything to recover, I went to Care Connection. (Please at this point read my disclaimer to the right, underneath the copyright notice - my views are a culmination of over a 1/2 century's experience, and I've gotten a lot of ideas from a lot of sources. Some of those ideas don't necessarily agree with the ideas put forth in the organizations I may attend, so I claim them as my own and not anyone else's. Capiche?). Care Connection is one of NAMI - Waukesha's support groups. It is for both individuals who have experienced mental illness and for the loved ones of those who have experienced/are experiencing mental illness. Loved ones are affected, too! just like with alcoholism. Anyway, at Care Connection, I found I related to the people there. That was surprising to me. An even better surprise was that these people seemed to be living in the solution (mental health), not in the problem (mental illness). It wasn't depressing! It was interesting! It was fun!
Most of all, I began to discover that I have a voice.
I brought all of me to these groups. They are a safe haven for those of us with beautiful minds. As I've mentioned before, I've been attending substance abuse recovery groups for a long time. There I would watch people work a program of recovery from substance abuse, and I'd see them get better. There I tried to work a program of recovery, and I would stay sober, and inside I'd get worse. And sometimes I felt different and less-than. Here I was in a strong group with other recovering alcoholics and addicts, and there was something missing in me. There was something wrong with me.
Because I hadn't ever accepted that I have another mental illness besides substance abuse, I had rarely looked for another or an additional vehicle for recovery. I spent a lot of years in pain and misery when the answer was just next door. Now I utilize both NAMI support groups and the substance abuse recovery groups.
At Care Connection I found support, understanding, friendship, and compassion. As I continued on the path, I also began going to a Thursday night peer support group held at the NAMI office. And I enrolled in, participated, and completed a 10-week Peer-to-Peer course which focused on mental health, wellness, and recovery for anyone experiencing a mental health challenge. And then, I was asked to be a Peer Mentor, which involved learning to facilitate the Peer-to-Peer program. And then, I became involved with Stories of Hope, where pairs of us in recovery share our stories of recovery with patients in various mental health treatment programs. And this weekend, I will be going for training to be a Peer Support Group facilitator. Additionally, I also volunteer at the NAMI office, which is fun and enriching.
My involvement with NAMI does a number of things for me:
1. It keeps me in recovery - my commitment to NAMI means to me that I must stay in recovery if I want to be involved;
2. It gives me a vehicle to be of service to others. I can share my experience with recovery with others;
3. It broadens my world - I've met people this past year that I never would have dreamed of meeting, and they're in my life and I am grateful;
4. It gives me a safe and supportive place where I can be me while at the same time develop and grow into an even better me.
5. It gives me lots of stuff to think about and write about, and it gives me hope.
I have heard than when the student is ready, the teacher appears, and I believe this to be the Truth. I spent a lot of time getting ready, lemme tell ya, but I've also been given the most awesome teachers.
Namaste,
Ken
Fortunately, I have found groups of people with shared experiences who are on the same path as I am. One of these groups is the Waukesha Chapter of NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness). When I began my recovery a little over a year ago, it was suggested to me by more than one person that I might check out a NAMI support group. Even though I've made a home in substance abuse recovery groups for years, I was reticent about checking out NAMI or any other mental health support groups. A bunch of people sitting around talking about their mental illnesses did not sound like a very fun time. It sounded sort of depressing, and I didn't need any help in getting depressed - I manage that pretty well on my own!
But, because I was desperate and willing to do anything to recover, I went to Care Connection. (Please at this point read my disclaimer to the right, underneath the copyright notice - my views are a culmination of over a 1/2 century's experience, and I've gotten a lot of ideas from a lot of sources. Some of those ideas don't necessarily agree with the ideas put forth in the organizations I may attend, so I claim them as my own and not anyone else's. Capiche?). Care Connection is one of NAMI - Waukesha's support groups. It is for both individuals who have experienced mental illness and for the loved ones of those who have experienced/are experiencing mental illness. Loved ones are affected, too! just like with alcoholism. Anyway, at Care Connection, I found I related to the people there. That was surprising to me. An even better surprise was that these people seemed to be living in the solution (mental health), not in the problem (mental illness). It wasn't depressing! It was interesting! It was fun!
Most of all, I began to discover that I have a voice.
I brought all of me to these groups. They are a safe haven for those of us with beautiful minds. As I've mentioned before, I've been attending substance abuse recovery groups for a long time. There I would watch people work a program of recovery from substance abuse, and I'd see them get better. There I tried to work a program of recovery, and I would stay sober, and inside I'd get worse. And sometimes I felt different and less-than. Here I was in a strong group with other recovering alcoholics and addicts, and there was something missing in me. There was something wrong with me.
Because I hadn't ever accepted that I have another mental illness besides substance abuse, I had rarely looked for another or an additional vehicle for recovery. I spent a lot of years in pain and misery when the answer was just next door. Now I utilize both NAMI support groups and the substance abuse recovery groups.
At Care Connection I found support, understanding, friendship, and compassion. As I continued on the path, I also began going to a Thursday night peer support group held at the NAMI office. And I enrolled in, participated, and completed a 10-week Peer-to-Peer course which focused on mental health, wellness, and recovery for anyone experiencing a mental health challenge. And then, I was asked to be a Peer Mentor, which involved learning to facilitate the Peer-to-Peer program. And then, I became involved with Stories of Hope, where pairs of us in recovery share our stories of recovery with patients in various mental health treatment programs. And this weekend, I will be going for training to be a Peer Support Group facilitator. Additionally, I also volunteer at the NAMI office, which is fun and enriching.
My involvement with NAMI does a number of things for me:
1. It keeps me in recovery - my commitment to NAMI means to me that I must stay in recovery if I want to be involved;
2. It gives me a vehicle to be of service to others. I can share my experience with recovery with others;
3. It broadens my world - I've met people this past year that I never would have dreamed of meeting, and they're in my life and I am grateful;
4. It gives me a safe and supportive place where I can be me while at the same time develop and grow into an even better me.
5. It gives me lots of stuff to think about and write about, and it gives me hope.
I have heard than when the student is ready, the teacher appears, and I believe this to be the Truth. I spent a lot of time getting ready, lemme tell ya, but I've also been given the most awesome teachers.
Namaste,
Ken
Wednesday, June 22, 2016
Fuddy-dud?
My therapist has told me at least twice that if I continue to practice improving my thinking, a more positive attitude will become natural to me, just like my negative attitude is still fairly prevalent - at least as far as first thoughts go. I doubted this, even though it's part of what I preach.
This morning, I was loading my laundry onto my bike when I heard something hit the ground. I looked down and saw that my mirror had broken off. I immediately said, "Oh, fuddy-dud." Then I stopped and thought, "Where did that come from?"
You see, I'm very familiar with feeling frustrated and overwhelmed. Laundry is not my favorite household task, especially when it involves traveling some distance to get it done. And early morning has not historically been the best time to catch me in a good mood. I was shocked this morning, because my former response to my mirror falling off would have been much more profane, and possibly even a little violent. I have been practicing finding a better thought/reaction to the little things in life that frustrate/overwhelm me. I don't like the fact that little things can really get to me. Now it looks like I can say, "I used to let little things get to me."
It looks like my therapist might be right!
And little things like this, while not really fit for the front page of the newspaper, give me confidence and hope that I can turn my thinking around, with practice. That's good news!
Namaste,
Ken
This morning, I was loading my laundry onto my bike when I heard something hit the ground. I looked down and saw that my mirror had broken off. I immediately said, "Oh, fuddy-dud." Then I stopped and thought, "Where did that come from?"
You see, I'm very familiar with feeling frustrated and overwhelmed. Laundry is not my favorite household task, especially when it involves traveling some distance to get it done. And early morning has not historically been the best time to catch me in a good mood. I was shocked this morning, because my former response to my mirror falling off would have been much more profane, and possibly even a little violent. I have been practicing finding a better thought/reaction to the little things in life that frustrate/overwhelm me. I don't like the fact that little things can really get to me. Now it looks like I can say, "I used to let little things get to me."
It looks like my therapist might be right!
And little things like this, while not really fit for the front page of the newspaper, give me confidence and hope that I can turn my thinking around, with practice. That's good news!
Namaste,
Ken
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