Trusting In The Process

 Last week at work, I had a nice schedule - 2 days of being a courtesy clerk, and 3 days of checking, and I had Monday and Friday off. I mentioned to the store director how I liked that schedule, and he thought it fit the store's needs nicely. Almost every employee at the store gets a different schedule each week. It's not always radically different, but it probably won't be the same as last week. If you've read previous posts, or know anything about retail and especially retail grocery, you know this is par for the course. 

So for next week's schedule (which is posted on Fridays), I was expecting something similar to the previous week. Last week I had 2 days starting at 6am, and 3 days starting between 9-9:30am. Imagine my surprise when I saw that next week's schedule has me checking only one day, and the other 4 days my start times are all over the place! Additionally, I didn't have as many hours scheduled as I did the previous week.

[I italicized expecting in the paragraph above to note here that, for people in recovery from addiction, expectations can be dangerous. Expectations are precursors to resentments for recovering people, and resentments can be deadly. Having an expectation often means I feel entitled to a certain outcome, and when the outcome is different than what I'm expecting, I feel disappointed, and my inner little-me screams, "Unfair!"]

The first thought that came from seeing next week's schedule was "I must be doing something wrong." Why? Because my first thought, good or bad, almost always revolves around me (little-me) and what little-me wants and thinks he needs in order to feel secure.

My first priority, or job one, is staying sober and in remission from depression, so I had some work to do to turn my thinking around and find a way of looking at the schedule that works for me in a positive way. First, I looked at the cognitive distortion of "my schedule's different, I must be doing something wrong." This comes from a core belief, which I'm working on changing, that I'm almost always wrong. There was no evidence that I was doing anything wrong this past week (other than the few errors I made which were immediately pointed out to me). So toss that idea out.

Second, because I'm just not the type to blindly accept things, I looked for another reason why my schedule might be so drastically different. I'm going to note here that nothing in the schedule was out of bounds for what I've given the store as my available times to work. There are over 100 employees at my store, meaning that scheduling has to be difficult to accommodate every employee's needs as well as accommodating what the store needs. I've taken ownership of my job, but that doesn't mean I don't work for somebody else - I do. That means that I've agreed to make myself available whenever and for whatever the store needs (again, it's not about me). So my conclusion is that because I'm a flexible employee, the store director scheduled me where he needed me. Ok, I can live with that.

But wait, there's more! Upon further review of the upcoming schedule, I noted that I'd be able to go to more recovery meetings this week and that there was more time to schedule a 1:1 with my counselor. This realization opened my mind to what might be going on here - I began to see that this week's schedule might make room for some possibilities and opportunities for me (see how it comes back around to me?). So I begin to look for the unexpected, because my schedule was unexpected.

As an alcoholic and a person living with depression, I'm very used to seeing the negative possibilities in life. As a person in recovery, a huge part of my recovery is reframing the way I see myself, others, life, and God, because focusing on the same old shit will get me the same old results.

That, for me, is trusting in the process. If one follows the teachings in the Bible, both the Hebrew Bible and the New Testament, there is a lot of evidence that God is continually supporting us and giving us opportunities to flourish. Aside from the Bible, there is a lot of evidence in my own history that a Power greater than myself supports me - I've given up multiple times throughout my life, and I'm still here and good stuff still happens to me, in me, and through me when I let it. 

Another example is this treatment program in which I'm involved - it is not run very much at all in the manner I think it should be run. (It's good to note here that nobody has asked me how I think it should be run). However, I've been sober since I've been here, and since I've been here, my depression seems to have gone into remission - not just gotten better, but got up and left! (I still have to live in a way that doesn't lead back to depression and/or drinking). So something is going right with where I've been and what I've been doing for the past almost 4 months. 

So trusting in the process means not relying upon my first impression (my own understanding) of anything to make a judgment about whether something is good or bad for me, and not resisting what comes my way. When I practice non-resistance and acceptance (when I stop fighting life), I am able to see possibilities and opportunities and grace that I was unable to see before.

I need to mention before closing that I have not had my rights trampled on at work or in treatment, and I have not experienced any abuse. Trusting in the process does not mean accepting abuse; I do not need to be beaten down physically or emotionally in order to get better - the only thing that needs to take a beating is my insistence that in order for life to be good, everything must go my way.

Namasté,

Ken

Letting Go of the Good to Make Room for the Better

 I've been trying to compose a post about reducing perfectionism, but I haven't yet got it quite right. So here's this post instead:

I've had several jobs that, besides what I was employed to do, have taught me a great deal about how to get along better in life, and how to practice spiritual principles. My current job is no exception. I am employed as a courtesy clerk at a chain grocery in Prescott. I have varied responsibilities, from cleaning, to customer service, to gophering, to reducing our liability by making sure the parking lot doesn't have a lot of stray carts. I like this job, both because I know how to do it, and because I get to be of service to others. I never want to diminish how important it is for me to have a chunk of time (up to 8 hours) during the day when I am 90-100% certain of what my next step is to be.

I've been at my job almost 2 months, I think, and I have evidence that I am exceeding expectations. Part of that evidence is that I am being trained as a checker, and have actually been scheduled one day (so far) in that role. A couple of days ago, one of the managers mentioned that on Friday and Saturday I'll be training a new courtesy clerk for 4 hours each day on how to open for. Ok - I'm not a big fan of training, but this is fairly simple work for most folks, and one can tell fairly quickly whether or not the trainee is going to succeed in the position. Earlier, a colleague and I had been talking about when we do a good job, we don't get a raise, we get more to do. That's actually fairly accurate for the grocery industry, as well as others, I'm sure.

Anyway, I asked the manager if I'd get training pay, and he said, "No, but if you do a good job training, you'll be able to get scheduled more often as a checker." He did not realize how profound that statement is.

As I mentioned above, almost every job has lessons for me to learn, because my Higher Power does not take a break while I'm working. And the lesson, or message, that I received today is so simple, I think it is often overlooked: In order to me to move forward or evolve in this lifetime, I must be willing to let go of my current position. And at work, if I want to move forward and upward in the company, I need to be willing to let go of the role in which I started.

Now let's take a look at (my) life and see how that can be applied. Certainly, if I want to progress in my education, I need to leave behind my last grade completed. That's usually how things work in our temporal world - we complete one level and then move on to the next. When applied spiritual evolution, the picture gets a bit murkier, but it isn't indiscernible. Say, for instance, that all my life I've been seeking something more than my current experience. I might find that 'something more' in alcohol or drugs. I might even find it in the addiction experience, where, if I survive, I will find that the alcohol and drugs no longer work for me, but I can't quit. At first, when I found alcohol and drugs, they were THE experience. I had arrived. But, bit by bit, I realized that what I was experiencing wasn't really what I was seeking; it was something more, but in a way that made me and others suffer.

Now here is where today's lesson becomes important: In order to get to the next level, I need to let go of the current experience. I must put down my drinking and drugging, and begin to seek a new path. Scary stuff, because the new path is unknown to me. There are times when the fear of what's next overpowers the misery in which I'm living. Now, hopefully, in the temporal world, I don't have to be miserable in my current situation before I move on to my next; however, in the addiction world, which I think is both temporal and spiritual, that's often the way it works out. 

Today, specifically, I can apply this lesson to my practices of ending and beginning my day. Mostly what I've been doing before going to bed is surfing the web on my phone and then going to sleep when I got tired enough. This isn't really good sleep hygiene, and good sleep hygiene is important to my recovery - both my sobriety and my mental health - and it is especially important now that I have a job that starts at 6am, because getting up early to get to work at 6 is not normally in my nature. Therefore, if I want to consistently get up on time and in a good frame of mind, I need to make sure I go to bed in the best frame of mind - with a clear conscience and looking forward to the next day (God willing). What I just started a few nights ago is letting go of surfing before bed, and instead ending my day with thoughtful examination, prayer, and meditation. I might have written about this before.

The principle here is that whatever I'm focusing my energy on today is going to stay in my experience until I begin focusing my energy on what I would like to experience next. People living with addiction who successfully abstain from alcohol and drugs don't focus on not drinking and using; we focus on practicing the tools of recovery. Similarly, I don't move away from mental illness by focusing on its symptoms; I get better, again, by practicing skillful coping mechanisms, and finding out what works for me.

Speaking of which, I have been nearly symptom-free from depression for about 10 weeks now. That is a really long time for me, and I do not recall being as hopeful, motivated, and willing as I am now for a very long time. If I knew exactly how that came about, I would certainly share it. I believe that a lot of factors, physically, mentally, and spiritually have come together over the past two months. But I had to let go of the need to feel shitty about myself and my life in order to get better. I have to be willing to walk into my future without knowing exactly for sure what it's going to be like. This is a point at which many alcoholics begin recovery - "I don't know what not drinking is going to be like, but it's gotta be better than this!"

Another area of my life to which this applies is my living situation. I'm currently in sober living, and I don't like it too much for a variety of reasons. There are a lot of things that I live with that I wouldn't have to live with if I lived alone or with one other person. I desire moving on from where I'm at, so I've laid the groundwork: I've begun looking for rooms, roommates, and apartments; I've been letting others in recovery know that I'm looking; and I've sent in a prayer request to my church, as well as prayed myself. Now, the next thing is to focus not on what I don't like about where I'm living, but about what is good about where I'm living - in other words, to be grateful for the things that I like about where I'm at. These include, but aren't limited to: I'm grateful for hot water; I'm grateful for the really nice view; I'm grateful just to have a roof over my head; I'm grateful that I live a half-mile from work; I'm grateful the rent is affordable; I'm grateful for wi-fi; I'm grateful that I currently have a room to myself, etc. 

The challenge is that I cannot see into the future. I can say that I believe it will be good, but I have no idea where or with whom I'll be living in, say, a month or two from now. In the meantime, I'm doing my best at making the best of my current situation, and coming to believe that no matter what, I am supported by my Higher Power. It's a practice.

I want to use this last paragraph to first of all thank you for reading this far! Thank you! Also, something I was thinking about recently - part of me wants me to be able to write the absolute Truth, the absolute Answer for everything. That's where I get hung up sometimes, because it can't be done (not today, anyway) - I haven't uncovered the Complete Truth yet, and probably won't in this life time. But it's not about that; it's about the journey. It's also about giving readers an opportunity to ponder some of my experiences and thoughts and to see what insights you might experience about your own life. Sharing and connection help me to have the kind of life experience I think a Loving God wants me to have. Nobody's in this thing alone.

Namasté,

Ken

Starting at the Top

 My current counselor recently introduced me to a new (to me) concept. We were talking about doing our best vs seeking approval. My counselor used to teach, and he said that when he began the semester, he told his students that they all had A's - that all they had to do if they wanted to have an A at the end of the semester was to maintain it by learning and doing the work. This sounded to me both intriguing and a little fishy. The more I started to think about it, and to examine my past regarding doing my best vs approval seeking, the more it made sense, especially spiritually.

As discussed in an earlier post, one of my core beliefs that doesn't work for me anymore is that I am inferior, I'm not good enough, I don't have what it takes (whatever it is). I have reinforced that belief time and time again through sabotaging the opportunities that came my way. When I had an opportunity, instead of doing my best, I did what I thought would bring me approval and love. Living for approval is not sustainable in the long run for (at least) two reasons: the first is that if I need approval from someone else as motivation to live life, I've made another human being (or an institution or corporation) my higher power, and no human being (or institution or corporation) is equipped to take on the job of being mine or anyone else's higher power. The second reason is that I have an addictive personality, and approval is like a drug to me, and eventually, I can't get enough. So the end result of living life to get others' approval is discouragement, disappointment, and resentment. Not good.

Those of us who have lived through mental illness and/or addiction and/or incarceration can probably relate - we've hit bottom in one way or another. When we get out of the hospital, or the treatment center, or the prison, if we don't want to go back, it looks like we're at the base of a very tall mountain - the mountain being recovery and regaining health, dignity, and respect. Lots of us get a little way up the mountain, get exhausted, fall down and roll back down, somewhat like Sisyphus.

What if I changed my thinking on this? What if, instead of starting at the bottom, beaten and broken, and having to scrabble my way up, I start at the top, meaning cultivating a belief that I already have what I need to be successful in whatever I desire to do today? Cultivating this belief, however, has a few prerequisites - I must be willing to live a day, or even a moment, at a time; I must be willing to act as if I have a loving Higher Power that provides me with everything I need today to have a successful day; I must be willing to not only count the mistakes I make in a day, but to count the things I've done well during the day.

I have a new job - I work at a grocery store as a courtesy clerk and, more recently, as a checker. Most days I open, meaning I start at 6 am  checking and preparing certain things for the day's business. In other words, I clean the bathrooms and the break room, sweep the floors, take out the trash, and perform other miscellaneous tasks. Then when customers begin coming, I help bag groceries, collect carts, check prices, and other miscellaneous tasks. I love what I'm doing (being of service) and I feel extremely grateful and fortunate to be working in a grocery store. It has great meaning for me - 23 years ago I worked in grocery, and I really messed that job up in a big way. I feel like I've been given another chance and an opportunity to make indirect amends to the grocery store for which I used to work, as well as direct amends to myself - I get to work each day at being a different person than I used to be. I go at my job each day with enthusiasm, and I do my best. Apparently my best is very good, as my work has been noticed several times in a positive way. 

Because I see this job as a gift from God or an opportunity from the Universe, I am interested in seeking my approval regarding how I show up and perform each day. I know what I need to do to feel like I'm doing a good job. I'm not interested in anyone else's approval, though I do get it. (And that's one of the paradoxes in my life - when I do something for it's own sake - for instance, being authentic - rather than in an effort to gain approval, I get more approval than I would have gotten if I had tried for it, and it feels better, too, because it's genuine. I did not solicit it).

What I'm not doing is coming at this job from an angle of 'not good enough' and trying to prove myself. I suit up, show up (on time), and do all my tasks believing that they are gifts. So I don't get paid a whole bunch monetarily, but I am wealthy beyond belief in self-esteem and gratitude.

Now let's take a look at recovery. My current counselor, and a lot of people in recovery, say that the only thing I have to do today in order to be successful is to abstain from using alcohol or drugs. That is really tough for me to swallow, because I counter with, "You mean I could stay in bed all day and do nothing and I'm a success?" Well, sort of. The thing is that staying in bed all day is not conducive to sobriety or mental health recovery. However, if I put my recovery first, I am going to be doing things to support my recovery, and those will be good, healthy things. So maybe I lose my job and crash my car - I'm a success today if I don't allow those circumstances to drive me back to drinking or mental illness. If my reaction to life today is constructive, rather than destructive, and even if I didn't finish everything, or not everything went according to plan, and can still consider myself a success this day. 

I've met so many people who've had difficulty in recovery because addiction or mental illness had crushed their idea of what success "should" be. Nobody has to buy in to another's idea of success. When I follow my heart and conscience, that's success to me today. When I do today what brings joy and peace into my life and the lives of others, I am successful today. I don't need to measure up to anybody else's ideas of success.

To start at the top, I do these things: I open myself, my mind, and my heart to life today - this is where I am, right here and right now, and attempting to avoid or escape it only brings me suffering. In prayer, I align my will with my Higher Power's will, and if I am fuzzy on how to do that, I ask for help. I become grateful for the multitude of gifts that I have, which makes me feel good inside, which in turn motivates me to keep moving in a positive direction. I acknowledge my mistakes, and rectify them if I can and/or learn from them - I no longer beat myself up for them. I no longer say, "I should have known better," because obviously I didn't. I endeavor to live life from the inside out, to be of service, and to utilize the gifts and talents that I have. Through this, I see I have the potential to add a lot to life; this doesn't mean that I have to do it all today. I understand that in order to get wherever I'm going, I have to pass through today, so I endeavor to make today satisfying and joyful.

I've been symptom-free from anything for over two months now. Life is challenging, but it has not been a struggle. I do not recall a time in the recent past when I've felt so engaged with life and actually happy to be alive. I am very grateful.

Namasté,

Ken

I Belong

This is the second in a series of posts about core beliefs I am challenging because they no longer serve me. The first is I Am Valuable. There is at least one more after this, or possibly two.

I belong. Growing up, I often felt as though I did not belong. I just felt like I did not fit in anywhere, including my family. When I was old enough to know what adopted meant, I thought I was. I'm not. I've heard similar reports from others who live with addiction and/or mental illness - they felt like they didn't fit in, they didn't belong, they were different, they were alien. I like the alien idea - that gives me hope that some day I'll be beamed up!

Humans reinforce what we believe. This is why change can be so difficult - our beliefs are like our appendages, and we don't let go of those easily! I reinforced the core belief of I don't belong in part by sabotaging anything good that came into my life - education, jobs, friendships, relationships, marriages, apartments...you name it, I somehow messed it up.

In 2013, when I moved to Waukesha to begin another cycle of recovery, I didn't get the feeling that I belonged there. I was, however, grateful that I was out of the town in which I lived previously. When I began my own business, I began to get the feeling that I belonged. I also liked the feeling that I was supporting myself, which is the opposite of my core belief that I'm unable to support myself. In 2015, my business stopped because my van stopped, and I didn't have the means to get it repaired. This event reinforced strongly the beliefs that I'm useless, I'm not good enough, and I don't belong.

After a miraculously brief relapse, I began treating both my alcoholism and my depression. I began adding recovery meetings that focused on mental health. I began getting into the community of people living with mental health disorders, and I once again started feeling that I belonged. And when I worked for NAMI-Waukesha, I found that I really belonged there - I felt appreciated, liked, and useful. I felt a part of the community of Waukesha as a whole because of my community involvement. After another relapse 3 years later, I was unable to generate the feeling that I do belong. I entered treatment after treatment after treatment. This is the cycle that ended July 17th, 2020, when I got sober for the last time.

In December 2019, I really got the vibe that I didn't belong in Wisconsin anymore, and I clumsily moved to Arizona. When I arrived in Arizona, I still needed help, and I got it. Generating the feeling that I belonged here was hampered by Covid-19 - I was unable to meet a lot of people because recovery meetings and churches closed face-to-face gatherings and went online. It's just not the same. However, I was able to feel like I might belong here due to lack of evidence that I didn't.

Nobody, absolutely nobody, has told me that moving to Arizona was a bad idea (the way I did it was very unskillful). I'm receiving state insurance and nutrition assistance. Nobody has told me that I'm a drain on the system; everybody I've met having to do with the assistance I'm receiving has been most helpful. (Because I'm making Arizona my home, I have a desire to in some way pay back what they've given me). I am surprised that I've not run into one person that told me I should get the heck out of Arizona. So I am building the belief that I do belong where I'm at due to lack of evidence that I don't belong. I've recently started working a real tax-paying job, and I've recently found another recovery fellowship that meets every day. Soon I will write about that.

The real absolute Truth of the matter is that I belong right where I'm at in this moment because I cannot be anywhere else but here. That's a big chunk to take on faith and digest, so I continue to recognize the evidence of my belonging, and continue to create more evidence by becoming involved in whatever way I can in the community.

There is one very important attribute that I must develop - I must begin to recognize and accept the signs the Universe supplies me to see when it's time to change. I need to be able to take the rudder of my own ship and steer it in the direction my intuition and other signs tell me to steer it. The way to develop the attribute of recognition is to stay in this moment as much as possible, and to meditate, which is listening to God. I've been told that a consistent meditation practice will yield positive results in being able to navigate life. I no longer need to create crises to create change.

Changing core beliefs takes time and practice. Something in me thinks that if I get a better idea that I can implement that in my life overnight. Not so; making real change is akin to steering an aircraft carrier. It might receive orders to make an 180 degree turn and go in that direction, but it takes a lot of time and energy to make that change. So I need to daily be mentally and spiritually present in my life to be able to go in the direction that is meant for me.

Namasté,

Ken

Improving My Reception

 I had an interesting and unusual experience last week - I received a package from Amazon. That's not unusual - what is unusual is that I wasn't expecting it and it's something I needed. The package contained 2 black polo shirts, which I need for work.

When I received the package, I didn't know what it was, so I opened it up and discovered the shirts. They were two Hanes brand black polo shirts. I wondered if I had ordered them by mistake, because a few days before, I was looking on Amazon at these exact shirts. I started to doubt my sanity, but then I remembered that I had no money on my debit card with which to pay for these shirts. I went to my card account and found I still had no money, and that I hadn't sent any to Amazon in over 3 months. Did Amazon, out of the goodness of their corporate heart, decide to send me something I was just looking at?

Then I found a little slip of paper inside that said this was a gift from someone, but it didn't have their name. There are only 3 people who know my shipping address, and I quickly narrowed it down to one person. I found out I was correct.

So what's the deal - is this a coincidence, or is it evidence that the Universe is constantly conspiring for my highest good? I'm choosing the latter - I want to believe what I've read and been told - that there is a force for good in the Universe that is unconditional Love, and that this force - Spirit - is always giving. I like to compare it to the Sun, even though Spirit is infinitely bigger and more powerful than the Sun. All the Sun does all day (and all night, even though we don't see it) is send out light. It doesn't matter if it's cloudy or not - the Sun is still emitting it's rays. The Sun, I know, doesn't care whether I'm a "good" boy or a "bad" boy - it just keeps shining on me. Receiving those shirts from an anonymous benefactor is tangible evidence to me that Something is working on my behalf. 

I must admit that I don't have blind faith in my Higher Power. I do, however, have an intuitive sense that an underlying Substance that is perfect Love and intelligence governs Life and governs my life.  This intuitive sense is my faith, and a lot of days it seems like it's not very developed. What I do have faith in are the spiritual principles of recovery from addiction - honesty, openmindedness, willingness, surrender, humility, love, hope, courage, faith, strength, and others. When I practice these principles, I am able - I have the power - to stay in recovery and be a blessing to those around me. When I stop practicing these principles, I relapse into depression and active addiction. It's that simple, and yet it's not. I have faith in these principles because when I practice them, and I see others practice them, I see them work. I see sobriety and recovery. I've experienced the results.

The question that baffles me is why do I backslide? Why do I make real progress, and then relapse? 

I've experienced a ton of healing in my life, but I've also experienced a ton of sickness. I think it's about 50/50 right now, but the healing might be getting in the lead. Since July 17th, I've experienced sobriety, hope, insights, changes in attitude and behavior, and an overall improvement in my reaction to Life. I seem to be cooperating with Life lately, and that urge to self-destruct has gone into remission. As this has been developing, I've also receive signs that Spirit is active in my life. I like these signs; two of the big ones are the shirts I received and the job for which I received them. It really is a miracle that I'm back in grocery again, and all I'm going to say about that is that I recognize this job as an opportunity to make indirect amends for the shitstorm I caused over 20 years ago!

So, I've got all these signs, and I'm feeling good about my experiences and the progress I've made over the past 8 weeks (which really is no time), and I believe more and more that something Divine is working in my life - how do I keep this going? Consistent spiritual practice. I begin to learn that today  I have no more important job than to maintain my sobriety/recovery. I begin to understand at a deep level that I cannot do this on my own; I must accept & receive the help of my Higher Power. Then I continue to develop my relationship with that Higher Power. 

I can see more clearly today how I rationalized the thinking and behavior that pushed me away from recovery and toward relapse. I can see how I created the clouds that obscured the Sunlight of the Spirit and made me believe again that my life had no value, that I had no value. These "clouds" are fear, doubt, low self-esteem, lack of humility, resentment, self-pity, escapism, isolation, lack of connection, and hopelessness. When I allow these clouds to form, they effectively block Spirit, even though Spirit is still there. Spirit never leaves me; I try to hide. 

I believe one of the key elements in keeping the faith is active gratitude. Active gratitude is simply seeking and seeing the blessings in and around me, and being thankful to Source for them. As we know by now, what I focus on grows and grows - when I focus on the shit in life, shit grows; when I focus on the good in life (and in myself), the good grows. So when I seek and acknowledge good in my life, I find it more and more; that's just the way the Universe works.

So here's the point - my experiencing the coincidences and miracles in my life is really me opening up my mind and heart to experience them. I'm improving my reception. I believe I live in an abundant Universe - that blessings and miracles are swirling around me - and that the only thing that keeps me from receiving these blessings is poor reception - a closed mind and/or a closed heart. God shows up in my life in a lot of ways - through different people and different events. In order to receive, I need to stay open; otherwise, I'll walk right by my blessings. 

The way for me to improve and maintain my receptivity, my reception, is to keep a consistent spiritual practice, which includes prayer, meditation, and gratitude, and also a sense of expectation throughout the day. For me, it's skillful to expect something good - something good will happen. Expecting specific things has often proven unskillful for me - my focusing my mind on specific things seems to make me miss the better things that Spirit has in Mind for me.

I don't know how to end this, probably because there isn't an end; no matter how practiced and skillful I get, there will always be room for improving my reception. So for now, I'll say blessings on your path, thank you for reading, and

Namasté,

Ken

I'm Doing Ok

 This isn't a post about what I've been doing since June 21st, the date I last published a post; however, I will probably explore some of that. We'll see. This is a post about me and a post I read earlier today on Facebook. I can no longer find it, but it declared that not too many people will notice the healing work I'm doing, but to continue it anyway. It's important, and it does make a difference in my life, the world, and in the Universe. Ok, you can stop reading now if you want because that's the main point, or you can continue on if you have a minute - there is some more good stuff further on.

One of the mal-adaptive behaviors I developed was approval seeking. It's ok to desire being appreciated, but if I need to be appreciated for me to love myself or even be ok with myself, that's a problem. One of the reasons it's a problem is that it's not your job to appreciate me or approve of the things I'm doing or the things I've accomplished; if you do, you do, if you don't, you don't. However, that's not good enough for me. If I need your approval or appreciation to keep going, I'm going to do things that go against my self - things that impugn my integrity. I've spent a lot of time and energy during my life trying to be and do what I thought you wanted me to be and do. It has only been in the past 7 years that I've been endeavoring to show up as my authentic self; I've made progress, and I'm still working on it.

The other reason that expecting approval or appreciation from you is a problem is that anywhere from 50% of the time to 100%, I'm going to be disappointed. Unreasonable expectations often lead to resentment, depression, and even self-loathing. My "I'm not good enough" belief becomes active, and when this happens, I'm sliding down the road to relapse.

This reminds me of a recent adventure. I went on a long (30 mile) bike ride. When going on a long ride, it is good to check that the bicycle is in good working condition and that I have everything I need. Well, things looked fine, so I took off - without adjusting my brakes. I have disc brakes on my bike, and I love them, but, on a bike, they need to be adjusted a little more often than other kinds of brakes. My brakes are fine for city driving; however, I discovered that they were not ok for driving in the country, where I will encounter steep grades and attain speeds above 20 mph. So anyway, I'm going down this hill at about 30 mph, and I went around the curve. In front of me were stoplights regulating the intersection of the road I was on and Arizona highway 89A. So I squeezed both brakes (front and back) as hard as I could, and I knew right away that I wasn't going to be able to stop before the intersection. My choices were to hope for no traffic and turn right onto 89A, or use my right foot. I was wearing my new Merrell hikers, and I stomped my right foot down on the ground. Immediately I smelled burning rubber. With my foot on the ground, I was able to stop in time, and make a mental note to adjust my brakes next time. Anyway, the analogy here is the road to relapse - it's downhill, and the brakes are my coping skills and interventions I've learned to prevent relapse. If my skills are weak or if I don't use them at all, I will go head-on into active relapse, which in my case is drinking and suicidal ideation. (By the way, my shoes are fine - plenty of rubber left.)

Ok, back to the main topic. What's been happening to me since July 17th has been lots of "aha" moments - revelations and insights about what I need to be doing in order to get well. Some of these I've shared with others, some I haven't. The insights and inspiration I've received have been for me. They are precisely directed at my situation, my journey. They may or may not help anybody else. Because they are specifically for me, I may not get some of the recognition I think I deserve, and this is where I get tripped up - one of the patterns of my life has been to abstain from engaging in healthy activities for myself that nobody else will see or care about. This pattern has remained fairly steadfast until the last 6 or 7 weeks. I've been able to do things important to me and for me about which nobody cares, and that in itself is a miracle for me.

I see and feel that I am on a healing journey. I feel consistently more alive and willing to embrace life, whatever it entails, than I've felt over the past 2 years. I do not know what flipped the switch and it doesn't matter. I do know how to stay in this healthy place - what it takes is to keep Spirit and recovery first, above situations, people, places, and things. 

One thing I'm missing, and that's what this post is about, is enough self- esteem, care, love - whatever you want to call it - to be able to do what I know in my heart is right and healthy for me to do. So, how will I continue to basically affirm myself and my life and (hopefully) completely let go of the need for others' approval?

There are a few ways I know of to affirm myself. The first is prayer and meditation. I've been doing that in the morning, but not in the evening. Having set times to do this each day is a commitment to myself, and fulfilling a commitment to myself will build self-esteem. Second is journaling. This blog is a type of journal, but the kind of journaling I'm talking about here is to nightly list my accomplishments and the good things I've experienced during the day. Writing my experience down on paper gets it out of my head and makes it real to me. Third is physical exercise. Engaging my body in exercise affirms my physical existence, helps keep me physically healthy, and alleviates stress, anxiety, and depression.

There are more ways to affirm my life, such as eating healthily and practicing good sleep hygiene, which I do. I'm going to use the word 'vibe' here - the practices I'm talking about raise my vibe, which can be defined as overall mood, aspect, or affect. And when my vibe is raised, my little world gets better, and I'm able to see possibilities and opportunities that I didn't see when I was operating at a low vibe.

One thing I know from experience is when I'm feeling healthy and more whole, I need to run with it. If I just lay about enjoying the feeling, it'll disappear again, and it's very difficult to get to that place again - the place where I really am enjoying living.

Well, this is cool - I'm going to publish this post in a minute. I have about 6 drafts between 6/21 and now, and this is the first one I've been able to complete to my satisfaction. Yay! I appreciate you for reading this far - as you know, it means a lot to me.

Namasté,

Ken

I Am Valuable

Over the past month or so, I've been focusing daily on changing a few core beliefs that I hold that no longer serve me. Unfortunately, I'm unable to toss aside a core belief as one might toss away an outdated textbook. Fortunately, it is possible and it is challenging - it takes dedication, humility (the opposite of humility in this case would be, "I'm fine - I don't need to change), hope, and a willingness to look at life in a new way. 

The core belief I am endeavoring to change is that I believe I am  worthless, defective, and bad. The very first thing that I have done is acquire a mindset that my Creator is good, and anything and anyone my Creator has created is intrinsically good. Do you know why lawyers are buried 24 feet deep? It's because, deep down, they're good people. So that's my mindset - that at the very core of my being, I am valuable. I have within me all the attributes of my Creator; it's just that presently, a lot of those attributes are covered up by trauma, mental health issues, and unhealthy coping mechanisms that I've acquired over the years. So I don't have to acquire anything in order to become who I really am, my best self - I just have to let go of those things I've acquired that are unlike my best self.

I know that I am not alone in holding beliefs that I'm not good enough or defective in some way. Some religions teach us that we are born bad because of the things A&E did in the Garden of Eden. What I've learned that they did was to mistrust God's guidance, and that has created all sorts of woe ever since. And our consumer society tries to convince us that we are defective - we smell bad, our hair is either too kinky or too straight, and it's never the right color, our ass is too big or it's non-existent, we'll never have enough money, etc. I wrote a post a while back talking about this instilled fear over nothing, and I think we all have it to a greater or lesser extent. 

So the task is letting go of those fears, those thinking errors, and those habits which contribute to the belief that I want to let go of - in this case, the belief that I am defective and worthless. I do have value. I am valuable. The challenge is to begin to believe it despite what my mind or my mood tells me, despite my station in life, despite the things I've done or the places I've been.

I was at an open speaker meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous a couple of decades ago - might even be 3 decades - and I still remember how inspired I was by the recovering alcoholic speaker, Milt L., from Cleveland, OH, I think. His alcoholism had led him to shoot a police officer some years before. While he was in jail, his cellmate told him about the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, and how it could keep a person sober and lead him to a better life. Milt talked about how he had a spiritual awakening - that he knew his cellmate was telling him the truth, even though his cellmate was in jail with him. Milt said the Truth is like gold - it is valuable, whether it's in a garbage can or in Fort Knox. That rang true to me, and I've never forgotten it (though I put it on a shelf and haven't begun using that truth until recently). I am always valuable, no matter what, because I am - whether or not I'm choosing to reflect that value in my life is another story.

So what am I actively doing to release the old core belief of worthlessness and instill the new belief of value? First of all, let me mention humility again - having humility means that I know my place in the Universe, and that I am no better nor any worse than any other being. I owe what I am, my life, to my Creator. I am grateful for any accomplishments or any good that comes through me from Spirit, and my only part is willingness - saying 'Yes!' to Spirit. Now that little explanation is another one of those mindsets, or attitudes, to which I aspire. I'm not claiming that I practice it 100%, but I am willing to grow toward that mindset. Additionally, I don't have to define value - I simply have to begin to believe the words, "I am valuable", and take those actions that show I believe I have worth, and begin to abstain from actions and thinking that reinforce the belief I want to let go of. 

Ok, so here are some of the things I'm doing to instill a proper belief that I am valuable:

• Taking my medication - I have a mood disorder from years and years of reinforcing that I'm a piece of shit, and presently I rely upon some prescribed chemicals to help me get my mood up to a level that I can begin to think and do good things for myself;
• Practicing regular prayer and meditation - I know cognitively that I am the Child of a Loving Creator, but I don't feel it much yet; however, I practice affirmative prayer and meditation knowing that it does good no matter what, and I look forward to the day when I actually discover and feel the Light I know is within me;
• Continuing with counselors - I've found professional input invaluable in leading me to better ways of thinking and being;
• Taking care of my body - getting proper sleep, abstaining from mind altering drugs, eating properly, paying regular special attention to certain parts, like my feet, exercising, and getting sun (a lot, nowadays!), making sure I don't get too much;
• Affirming my value by saying it out loud - I am valuable - and avoiding spending any amount of time in negative thinking about myself; 
• Taking care of my immediate environment - keeping my living area clean, making it a pleasant place to come home to and be in;
• Being around people who are supportive and uplifting;
• Supporting others who are challenged - being of service;
• Recognizing the value in others;
• Avoiding getting too caught up in the world - I know what's going on, but it takes little space in my mind because I focus on what's in front of me and what's mine to do;
• Making sure I do things of which I am afraid, like getting a job and speaking my truth (still working on this!);
• Practicing using my gifts, like writing.

This list is general, and not necessarily complete. Sometimes people with mental health disorders move into doing these things gradually. For me, it's about creating habits that keep me in a state of realization that I and my life are valuable.

A word about affirmations: Affirmations are positive "I am" statements that express a truth about ourselves that we'd like to bring into realization. Affirmations can be powerful tools in recovery from addiction and mental illness as well as in spiritual, personal, and physical development; however, they must be partially believable by the speaker for them to begin to work. It's a bit like climbing a ladder - one doesn't claim the top rung when one is starting at the bottom.

Proclaiming and believing that I am valuable is a spiritual endeavor. If I did not know of a Higher Power, or understand that my sense of separation from others is an illusion, I wouldn't be able to believe that I am valuable because of the situation I'm in. But I know today that because of who I am, and because of who you are (children of a Loving Creator), we are valuable, and if I concentrate on my value, I will manifest valuable things and situations. 

Namasté,

Ken