I Am Worthy

If I had passed away two years ago, the three words that would have described me and my life would have been, "Not Good Enough."

I have been shooting for some sort of recovery for most of my life. One of my obstacles to recovery that I've known about for a long time was that much of the time, I rarely liked myself enough to stay in recovery. I have asserted for a long time that one has to care for oneself at least a little bit in order to do what is necessary to stay alive and healthy. I didn't have it, and I didn't know how to go about getting it.

In 1993, I was invited by a friend to attend a church called Unity West. I heard a very different message than I had heard from churches in the past, or from anybody for that matter. Part of the message is that since I am a creation of God, and God is good, I must be good. There is a part of me that seems to be able to recognize the Truth when I hear it, and I heard a lot at Unity that rang true to me. However, one of the great difficulties I've had is internalizing these Truths and living by them - it seems alcoholism and depression got in the way of my accepting some concepts that make life a lot easier to live. More specifically, my ego was so in the way that I suffered from the delusion that I was unique, alone, and disconnected. That's a pretty grand illusion - that I am not a part of this universe, and that I'm my own alpha and my own omega.

I spent years knowing that I wasn't good enough, and doing things to try to prove I was good enough, and ultimately failing at what everybody else seemed to do with ease because, I wasn't good enough. I used to seek approval from people whom I thought I should seek approval. Sometimes I didn't get it, which was frustrating, but not shocking. When I did get approval, it was like alcohol - there just wasn't enough. I'd get nice jobs, and think, "This is it!" and then, after the honeymoon wore off, and the imperfections of the job showed, and my imperfections showed, I'd get tired of the job and go back to feeling not good enough. I've had nice relationships where the same thing happened. I always looked outside of myself to feel good enough, and nothing ever worked permanently. I began to realize that there was nothing outside of me that would ever make me feel good enough - I could have a beautiful wife, awesome job, tons of money, a great home, and a lovely car, but deep down, I would still feel like and believe myself to be lower than whale shit.

So what is the solution? For me, a large part of it is 'acting as if'. You see, a person who has a decent amount of self-esteem, who believes themselves to be a worthwhile individual, does not need to seek approval from others. So I stopped seeking others' approval. A person who believes themselves to be 'good enough' accepts what they have in life, instead of continuously seeking more. A person who believes s/he is good enough as is also sees others as good enough - the person who has a healthy self-esteem does not find it necessary to judge others as less-than. I am neither more important nor less important than anybody else, no better or any worse. My shit's just a little different than yours.

This doesn't mean I'm not about improvement and growth. I am! But today, improvement and growth come not from making myself better, but from releasing those aspects of me that are not in alignment with who I really Am. I go to school to learn how to better use the gifts and talents that I already have. I practice self-care skills so that I can be of more effective service. I take setbacks not as indicators that I'm worthless or stupid; rather, they come up to enlighten me and make me stronger. Everything is useful; nothing is wasted. I stop questioning my presence in people's lives and simply try to show up as a blessing. I release worry and fear over my future, and work on simply living in today.

Now, of course, since this is all new to me, it is a practice. There's always something to work on, something to let go of. The big miracle here is that today I recognize that my life is valuable, and that your life is too, no matter what. When I am praised, I accept the praise at face value; when I am corrected or criticized, I try to be grateful for the lesson rather than taking it personally. Today I endeavor to live from the inside out, and each day I do that, I find more good stuff within me. 

I am grateful for the people in my life that saw who I really Am when I could not. I began to believe those folks and act as if they were telling me the Truth, and it looks like they really were. 

I am enough. I am worthy.

Namaste,

Ken



  

Why Even Bother?

I've made a commitment to myself to write only positive, uplifting, helpful posts. We'll see how this goes:

I've met some people that do not have the self-destruct switch. Killing themselves or using alcohol and other drugs in an effort to stop the pain of living does not occur to them. They love life, no matter what. (I wonder if researchers have studied their brains to see what's right with them?) I'm obviously not one of those people. I think I was born with a bad attitude, and, as life bore on, my outlook got more and more negative. Today I experience miracles in my life of which (I think) most people wouldn't even be aware - miracles like "I got through an entire day without thinking, "This is all bullshit." What is a miracle to me never crosses another's mind. Oh well, gotta deal with me, not other people, ultimately.

I have had moments lately where I have asked the question, "Why am I doing this? Why live?" It's really hard to admit that, but it is the truth. (Another couple of miracles here - the moments have been only moments, not entire weeks or months, and I'm admitting it.) Sometimes outer stuff affects me. I take a look around my world, and I don't understand it. Behavior that appalls me. People who seem as dense as granite yet (seemingly) breeze through life. The incomprehensible pain that some folks go through. How human beings treat each other. Yeah, stuff like that leads me to ask things like, "If there's no hope for humanity, why bother?" I had a few of those moments today. 

Yes, Virginia, sometimes I fake it 'til I make it. There are a couple of reasons for this: One, it's impossible to get to happy if I'm always frowning - if I smile when I don't feel like smiling, I at least have a chance of getting there; two, it's not my place to piss on anyone else's parade. Would I love to stand on top of a very tall soapbox and scream to the entire world just exactly what is wrong with it? Oh, you betcha. However, I'm told that, in those moments, I'm not sane, and, if the world is as I think it is sometimes, telling it how f#$%ed up it is wouldn't have much of an effect. I might feel better, though...

Have you ever said something that you wished you hadn't? If you've got a mouth and vocal cords, you probably have. About four years ago, I was sitting in the locked ward of a hospital in another county, and I said, "I'm here to show the miracle-working power of God," and in that moment I knew I was screwed. God loves a volunteer. You see, a miracle can't happen if there's nothing to overcome. Jesus didn't perform miracles on healthy people livin' the good life. Jesus performed miracles on people who really needed assistance overcoming their own humanity. The miracles that are ascribed to Jesus all seem to have happened in an instant. Well, time is relative, and perhaps in 50 years all the miracles I've had will seem like they occurred in an instant. Right now, they're not. Sometimes, I feel every painful nanosecond. But whatever, right?

I think I mentioned in the last post one of the reasons I endeavor to stay alive - I have a really strong belief that this lifetime isn't my final shot, and ending it prematurely won't alleviate me of any upcoming lessons. This lifetime, next lifetime - I'm at the (sometimes painful) point where I'm willing to take care of this stuff right here and now. And I'll give you an example of something I chose to not face: My father passed away a few years ago, and I chose to not try too hard to patch up our relationship while he was still living, even though I know that it'll be coming around in the next lifetime in a different form. I now regret not trying very hard. All I did do, really, was to take care of his needs in the present. I was still filled with much anger and resentment, though I rarely showed it to him. It seemed easier to do that than to try to do any healing. 

There's other reasons to stay alive - I finally, finally believe that my thinking is not always right. Sometimes I assume things that are painful to me, yet they have nothing whatsoever to do with reality. The pain is still real, however. And there are times when I can look at the same thing in a multitude of ways. This is one of the benefits of the cognitive behavioral therapy I've been learning and practicing the past couple of years. So I know that, in any given moment, my reality may not really be reality. There's another miracle right there - that I can successfully pass through a day without knowing what's real and what's not (I just don't react to the stuff that's questionable).  And then there's the fact that I don't know how much importance to place on events. Another for instance: have you ever been raging mad at your computer or phone for taking its time? No, of course not. Well, I have, and I'm grateful for the understanding that it's not so important that I should go about smashing my electronic devices with a hammer. This too, shall pass, and I have bigger chickens to fry.

Then there's my spiritual beliefs, which I continue to work on making them stronger and stronger in my life:

There is only one God (Source, Universe, Creator, whatever, It doesn't care what you call It) and It is Good and Supports Life. The only devil in the world is between my ears, and it only has as much power as I give it. Therefore, giving in to the shit storm in my brain would be giving in to the devil, which is really non-existent in the first place. Doh! The God of my understanding not only didn't, but couldn't create a universe that doesn't make sense, so to think that being a human, I'm on a sinking ship, and I might as well jump into the icy waters now rather than later is incorrect thinking. And, I am coming more and more to believe that the world, or my reality, is really created by me, and that I have the means available to day by day, moment by moment, create a reality that is a little more palatable.

Then there's my faith, which is different than my spiritual beliefs. My faith is my action. What am I doing to make my beliefs reality? I've been working the heck out of my spiritual tools (they're no longer in mint condition from sitting on the shelf for years). I put these beliefs into practice, and I see the results, which increases my faith. It's a vicious spiral upwards. 

So yes, I'll continue bothering. And, I think I've accomplished something here - I think I've touched upon how messed up in the head I can be while still remaining positive. Life has to be worth living. And it is. Even with the dark moments, the frustrations, the doubts, life is worth living - if I persevere, and don't go it alone.

If you've read this far, God bless you - you're a trooper for even venturing out toward my neighborhood. In any event, I feel a lot better after writing this than before.

Namaste,

Ken

Embracing Connections

Connections are meaningful to me. I'm not talking about electrical connections, although having sound electrical connections is very important. I'm talking about connections with other human beings. I get the feeling that knowing and cultivating my connection with others and the Universe may be the single most important thing I have to do in this life; however, it's still a very scary thing for me. Important, desired, yet scary.

Early on in life, I adopted the belief that I should walk through life mostly alone. And then I created situations which supported that belief. (That's what humans do - we get an idea about the way things are, and then we set out for the rest of our lives to prove ourselves right). I tried to connect with people I couldn't trust. Or people with whom I connected had the audacity to die, or leave. I found it easier and less painful to not connect. I put shields up around me - very effective shields. I became self-centered, self-absorbed, self-obsessed. The only people important in my life were those that I felt had a contribution to make to my safety and security.

Now, a person can become successful at that. A person can make it through their entire lives doing what they need to do to ensure that their physical survival needs are met, and nothing more. I know people who have done that. I don't believe anymore that that is the way I want to live. It's not inwardly fulfilling or rewarding for me. It's not what I'm here for - to be just another animal roaming the surface of the earth living out my life expectancy. 

I actually really began recovery - total recovery - about 4 years ago when I accepted that I wouldn't be able to stop drinking/stay alive if I didn't let people into my life and get to know the real me. If I felt that this lifetime was a one-shot deal, I probably wouldn't care so much. I believe that there are different levels of existence, and that the 'stuff' I have to face, I have to face - if not now, sometime further down the road. It's been a great life so far 😕, but I have no desire to repeat it. 

As I've mentioned once or twice before, an amazing thing happened when I began allowing people to get to know the real me, warts and all - people began to show up in my life who were real and genuine and genuinely care for me. I've always had good people in my life - I never knew where they came from, or why they were there - but now I've got even more and I appreciate them. I have connections!

Alcoholism, addiction, and mental illness destroy connections.  The drug takes the place of the connection. The mental health condition overshadows the connection. Alcoholism and depression are very lonely, painful places. I've heard many people describe that feeling of being all alone in a crowded room, and I've experienced that feeling myself. I prefer to feel lonely when I'm alone - it's slightly less painful.  Often, when people start in recovery, their loneliness - lack of connection - vanishes. For others, like me, removing the alcohol or the symptoms of my mental health condition make the loneliness more acute.

I think that very early in my life my trust in people was betrayed. I don't have a specific memory of this, but, after doing the math, it makes sense. So, when I think about friendship and connection and all that mushy stuff, I feel icky. It's scary. I don't want to be hurt. I don't want to be wrong. I don't want to feel that pain. I don't ever want to give someone enough reason or ammunition to attack me. That's the way I feel. However, I know this feeling is not conducive to recovery, and, today, I have some faith in the Process, so I am willing to allow these connections to develop. It really is creating a new reality for me.

Using various methods, I've endeavored to avoid pain my entire life. As a result, I've experienced much suffering. I don't want to suffer anymore, so I'm more willing to experience the pain that living sometimes hands out. Human relationships are not easy. Conflict is what makes us grow, and we can grow together or grow apart. I have a little idea on how to be a true, good friend, but I know for sure what doesn't work. So, bit by bit, day by day, I face my fear, set it aside, and allow these connections to happen. I don't really seek them out, but the way my life is now, I can't avoid them. 

We are all connected. We are One. We rarely know this, but it is the Truth. There is no Other. But we pretend there is, because it's easier to label someone as different or evil and ignore them (or even kill them) than it is to seek to understand them. The way to realize our connection with others is to learn to trust ourselves, and then to seek to really understand others, one person at a time.

Namaste,

Ken

Letting It Happen (Cooperation with the Universe)

I like things that work consistently and reliably. I have reliable transportation to work (my car, walking, or my bike), the electricity in my home is reliable, my paychecks get deposited consistently every 2 weeks. The law of inertia is reliable, which comes in handy when playing sports or throwing one's unreliable cell phone.

Spiritual principles, when practiced consistently, are reliable as well. One of them that I have used consistently for the past couple of years that works reliably for me is Letting. Michael Bernard Beckwith claims that our spiritual connection can be boiled down to Letting Go (of those things that don't serve us well) and Letting In (of Spirit).  The abundance and power of the Universe is available to us now, but I have to unlearn and let go of my beliefs that restrict that abundance, and learn how to let the power in. Perhaps better said, I need to learn how to get in the flow and go with it.

I have an interview today to see if I can be admitted into the Wisconsin Certified Peer Specialist training. I've been wanting to do this for about a year and a half. A peer specialist is a person who is in recovery from a mental health condition and/or a substance use disorder who is trained and certified to work with his/her peers - others who have mental health conditions. I've put in the footwork to get to today. I filled out the application a couple of weeks ago, and I was pleasantly surprised that I did it with ease (my history is that I loathe filling out applications. I still haven't filled out the initial application to work at NAMI, and I've been working here about 9 months). My application was accepted, and I got on the list to be interviewed. I was reviewing the list - there were 140 applicants, and they're doing 48 interviews over the next few days to fill 18 spots. And I started fretting a bit, wondering what I needed to do to get in. 

I don't need to do anything other than show up and be me. I've already done the footwork and preparation. There's nothing left to do but show up and see what happens. That's what Letting is - I do the footwork, and leave the results to the Universe (God). As I've mentioned in other posts, my concern is only with the process - how am I showing up - not the outcome. I am confident about today, but my expectations are still to 'see what happens'.

My ego tells me that I need to wheedle, cajole, and manipulate to get what I want. My higher self tells me that all that wheedling will do is destroy my peace of mind, and my peace of mind is a requirement for my sobriety and mental health. It seems like an easy choice, but sometimes, when I really want something, it's not an easy choice.

The prerequisite to this practice is to be willing to see if what I've been told is correct - that, despite appearances and any core beliefs I might currently hold, the Universe is always conspiring for my greatest good. I don't have to be a 'good' guy, I don't have to be an excellent prayer and meditator, I simply have to be a part of the Universe. And I don't have to believe this with 100% of my heart - 51% will do. (However, the more I believe, the better it works). 

So, I will go forth today to that interview, be the best me that I can be, and see what happens, and then go from there.

Namaste,

Ken

Thank You

Yesterday I celebrated two years of sobriety and recovery from depression. It seems like it's been a really long two years, and at the same time, it seems like just yesterday that I could barely walk and was sitting in the Waukesha Alano Club drinking free coffee waiting for the Salvation Army to open so I could get a bed for the night.

All of the things I have experienced over the last two years I could not have imagined, because I had given up (almost) all hope of ever having any kind of a life. 

I would not be here today if I had not stopped drinking (of course), but also if I had not addressed my mental health condition. I am very grateful for the many people that come into my life to teach me, assist me, and support me. And I am especially grateful for the people who allow me to share my experience, strength, and hope with them - the patients at Waukesha Memorial Hospital, the residents of Genesis House, and the people who avail themselves of the programs at NAMI-Waukesha. Without you, I would have no purpose. 

I am grateful to be able to acknowledge the Power of the Universe, and that I am learning how to let that Power work in me and through me. And I am grateful that I have lots to look forward to. And I can honestly say that I'm grateful for my illnesses - in seeking relief, I have found a meaningful life and a beautiful world that I never would have sought if I had not been ill.

I am grateful that today I love myself enough to want to continue on this journey.

Namaste,

Ken

Opinions, Facts, and Experience

I got called to task yesterday 3 different times by 3 different people, two of whom I know. When two or three unrelated people are telling me the same thing about me, I listen. 

I was violating some of my own policies and standards - I made comments on Facebook that (a) have to do with controversial issues, and (b) were based more on opinion and feeling  that actual fact. I avoid controversial issues, like religion and politics, because my purpose is to support others in learning to help themselves - so I try not to alienate anybody. There are basic principles which apply to recovery and spirituality that have nothing to do with politics or religion. Additionally, when I share something, it needs to be based not on a feeling or a wish, but on a provable fact and/or my own experience. 

Facebook is tricky ground for me. I'm on it to share myself with others, to share my employers' posts,  and to promote the MS 150, the bike ride to benefit MS. I receive a lot of good stuff from Facebook, too, but I don't need Facebook to get the information I need. There are other channels available. The challenge for me is that Facebook is fertile ground for unhealthy thinking and behavior. I am learning to live life from the inside out. For the vast majority of my life, I've lived it from the outside in. For most of my life, I've been a reactor - my actions were based on my perceptions of what was going on around me. This is actually the way the human brain is designed, and it's a safety/survival mechanism - it's an instinct. However, we are spiritual beings having this human experience, and capable of not only reacting to life, but also living from an intuitive sense. In other words, we create our own reality. If I can't help but to create my own reality, I think it's good to be conscious of what I'm doing. Facebook allows me to get back into letting others create my reality for me, which is what I'm used to doing. Creating my own reality is relatively new for me, so it's easy to slip back into old patterns. I have to be careful when I get on Facebook, because it can become my reality, and that's not healthy for my recovery. Perhaps a better way of saying it is that I used to let others do my thinking for me, because I didn't want to be responsible for my own thinking and actions, and Facebook is an excellent vehicle for that mode of living.

So, getting back to the topic at hand - Opinions, Facts, and Experience:

Opinions are simply personal preferences. I have opinions on which foods I like, which religions I prefer, the type of government I'd like to see, which girls are most attractive to me, what's fun to do and what's not fun to do. What I've learned about my opinions is that they're much like my penis - it's nice to have and be proud of, but I shouldn't expose it unless someone asks (and even then...), and I definitely should not force my opinion about anything on anyone. I laugh at the Facebook posts that ask for my opinion about whether someone should go to jail or things like that because...who cares? What does my opinion matter? It won't change anything. Don't misunderstand me - I absolutely love it when someone walks up to me face-to-face and asks me for my opinion on something. However, my opinion is really valueless to anybody else but me. It makes no difference what my opinion is, because it's only about my personal preference, and that can change quickly.

Facts are facts. This happened. That happened. It's 40 degrees Fahrenheit and rainy. That's a fact. How I feel about it, what I think about it, what I do about it - there's an infinite range of possibilities. But a fact can be backed up by evidence, and, very often, if not always, I can't change a fact, I can only change my response to it. One caution, though, is that facts aren't necessarily the absolute truth. Facts can change. The weather is going to change. The GNP of the US is going to change. Another factor is that sometimes a fact seems like one thing, but, upon closer examination, we find it's another thing. It used to be that the Sun revolved around the Earth - that was a fact given the knowledge at the time. Today, most of us agree that it's the Earth that revolves around the Sun, based on the evidence we now have. Another thing about facts is that they can be misleading. Did you know that 100% of the people that ate pickles in 1865 are dead now? True fact! But, neither the pickles nor the deaths are related (except for those very few who choked on a pickle or were shot and killed for eating someone else's pickle). So, facts have slightly more value than opinions, and may be useful as a guide.

Then we have experience. That's what I share with folks. My experience is, "This is what I did, and this is what happened." This is what I do, and it makes me sick, and this is what I do, and it makes me well. Now, experience is a really good thing, because we're all having this human experience, and a lot of things that are true for one person are not necessarily true for another. Experience is like an opinion in that I don't necessarily need to share it with someone who doesn't want to hear it. So, if you've read this far, and you're not interested in my opinion or my experience, I'd have to ask, "Why did you read this far?" Experience is like a fact in that my experience is a fact. Yes, I did this. Yes, I am sober today. Yes, I am, in a relative way, sane today. Here's the funny thing about experience - sometimes we assume a causal relationship where there is none. Yesterday I was walking down the street and a black cat crossed my path. Shortly thereafter, I bought a scratch-off ticket and won $50. Both of those experiences are facts. But can I say for certainty that they are related, that a black cat crossing my path caused me to win $50? Of course not! Everybody knows that a black cat crossing your path is bad luck!

But I like to write and talk about the experience of applying spiritual principles and psychological methods to my recovery from a hopeless state of mind and body, and what I think I've learned from my experiences. And because I do these things fairly consistently and I get consistent results, my experience has value (in my opinion).

So I think I might have mentioned that my primary purpose is to be of service to others by growing in recovery and sharing that recovery with those who want it. Seems fairly simple, right? But, other stuff interests me as well, and I have lots of thoughts and feelings on all sorts of topics. However, the Universe has shown me that my role is not to be a social commentator, although sometimes I'd like to be. The Universe has also shown me that I am not a political pundit, although sometimes I'd like to be. That's not my schtick; it's someone else's. Also, I have an inner grammar nazi, and Facebook is extremely fertile ground for grammar nazis; alas, that's not mine to do either.

My experience has been that I am much happier, much more stable, and much more effective when I stick to what is mine to do, and leave the other stuff to other folks. It's taken a long time for me to learn that I'm not everything to everybody, and that it's not only ok, it's as it should be. I don't always understand or like what I see in the world, and today I don't need to do so. I simply need to be ok within myself with what I'm doing.

Namaste,

Ken

Moving Through Fear

Fear is creepy for me - it creeps into my life, and I don't always recognize it for what it is until I'm paralyzed by it. I'm not good at recognizing fear. I don't seem to be good yet at feeling emotions (but I am getting a little better) and I think that accounts for not recognizing fear well. I don't often feel anxiety, or have other physical symptoms of fear, so I have to guess at it. More on that in a minute.

Yesterday, I had to shit or get off the pot. Not literally - I just had that moment when I had to decide to walk (or ride) through my fear, or let it overtake me. I have allowed fear to creep back into my life, and haven't done much about it. Yesterday I was going to go on my first real bicycle ride of the season. I didn't want to. I felt 'tired'. I wanted to crawl into bed and sleep.

It didn't make sense. I love bicycle riding. Yesterday was the perfect day for a ride - sort of cool, sunny, and fairly calm. I knew I would feel good after a ride. Over the past two years I've ridden over 3000 miles on my bicycle, and I had just had my wheels trued and tuned up my bike. There wasn't a think 
(←see that Freudian slip?) thing keeping me from my ride. 

So I got up and went, and had a great ride. But, it wasn't the reasoning that got me going. It was the recognition that I was going down the slippery slope of fear, one that will only lead to my next drink, which I'm still postponing. I don't know how much living in fear I can take before I relapse. I don't know, as far as my mental emotional state goes, where the point of no return is. So, it pays to not try to find out.

I'm thinking as I write this that it might be helpful to treat fear like I treat the first drink. The basis of physical sobriety is to abstain from the first drink - then one doesn't have to be concerned with which drink is going to cause trouble (is it the 3rd? The 5th? The one I take the morning after?) Perhaps the basis of emotional sobriety might be to stay away from the first 'drink' of fear.

Emotional sobriety isn't as clearly defined as is physical sobriety. For instance, I can blow into a breathalyzer right now (I actually have one here as I write this) and be able to tell whether or not there is any alcohol in my body. However, we haven't invented a device that can test my emotional sobriety - one that would measure my level of serenity, or check for negativity, anger, fear, arrogance, lack of gratitude, etc.

I've lived my whole life with a high level of fear and dread. I used to hate waking up and getting up in the morning. In fact, I used to pray to not wake up. I've gotten much better - now I only dislike getting up, and sometimes I'm even ok with it. Anyway, every day I would have to face living, and I hated it. So I learned work-arounds - ways to escape from the fear of life without actually escaping. Drinking, drugs, food, computer games, sleeping, sex - there are a lot of things that I used to escape. And I also learned not to feel. I became emotionally dead, and a very good actor.

Over the past two years, I've made a great deal of progress in reversing my fearful nature. Two of the big ones are that I no longer fear supporting myself, and I no longer fear your disapproval (much).  But there are a lot of areas that still need work.

So, without feeling when I'm fearful, as it seems quite a natural state by now, how do I know when I am allowing fear to inform me? I've been around the block enough to know most of the signs of my fearfulness:
Procrastination - totally centered around fear. Whatever I'm procrastinating about is something I fear doing.
Hatred - if I hate something or someone, there is fear surrounding it or them.
Avoidance - (very similar to procrastination) - if I'm avoiding something or someone, I fear it.
Sleepiness - If I'm craving sleep, especially when I don't have a physical reason to be tired, I'm fearful.
Food cravings - food cravings for foods that make me feel better are an indication that I'm being fearful about something.
Computer time - surfing the web is a great way to avoid!

I wrote in an earlier post about my discovery early on that I can view life as my Higher Power, or view my Higher Power as life. So long as I go from the standpoint that Life really is good and supportive, I can take what comes my way each day as lessons and experiences that are good for me, no matter what they might seem to be. When I began to embrace that, my life becomes much richer. 

Writing is often about self-discovery for me, and as I'm writing this, I realize that I have a huge opportunity here to step up my recovery program. I've gotten several signs lately that I can go ahead and begin living with less fear, less timidity. Today, I have a lot of faith and evidence to back up that I have nothing to fear. I like the idea expressed earlier that I can treat fear like the first drink, and stay away from it. When I feel like doing any of the things listed in the previous paragraph, I can simply go ahead an do what's in front of me to do. A large part of recovery is doing what I know to be healthy despite how I feel in the moment, and I can begin to expand the areas in which I do this. 

I really have nothing to fear anymore. I only need to go ahead and prove it to myself.

If you've read this far, I really do appreciate you! I'm coming up on two years of sobriety next month, and I recognize more and more each day how much my sobriety isn't my own - it's a result of awesome people in my life and a lot of things and people of which I may not currently be aware. I used to be the boy in the bubble - forever protected from the 'germs' of life, but incredibly miserable. The bubble is gone now, and I'm one with the 'germs', and it really is ok. Thank you for being a part of my life!

Namaste,

Ken